Well it has been 12 days and I have been able to nurse without supplementing so far. This is huge for me...huge. It isn't easy but I do like that I am not living with my parents this time around so I don't have to fee weird in front of my dad if I'm leaking milk all over my shirt or something. I'm not stuck in my room with the door shut when I want privacy from my parents. She is such a good little thing and so so dang cute. AJ and Owen are still taking it well and it is all still very new. Well, she is crying now. I'm off to feed her.

me

Happiness Prevails

Emmy had her first dr appt today. She said that Emmy was "perfect." I figure that if you are going to be perfect at any time in your life, it is when you are baby and you can't mess things up too much. So she is perfect at looking dang cute, eating, pooping and sleeping. I think I am pretty perfect at the last three too though so it must run in the family.

She was 1 oz more than her birth weight which means she is getting breast milk and after my trauma with AJ not getting enough colustrum and her blood sugar being low because of it and having to suppliment in the hospital, well, it feels good to not be going through that again. I didn't have any milk for AJ because I was taking Zoloft and Zoloft inhibits the let down reflex, kind of like how it inhibits an orgasm too. Your body just is kind of numb from feeling stuff, which is great if you are numb from being anxious about stupid things...but not great if you can't feel natures gifts. Anyway, Zoloft-free for the past year, I have enough milk but am still in major, major pain from the latch but it goes away after a few seconds. I wonder, wonder when that pain will go away. What if it never does. What if months from now I am still wincing in terrible pain every time she latches on? I doubt it but I don't know.

DH is playing video games right now as I type. The kids are sleeping, including Emmy, in her sleep positioner on our bed. I think she is getting used to that being her place to sleep. She lay happily on her floor mat in her bedroom as I sat in there and folded laundry and put them into piles. She lay there for about 10 minutes without crying or anything...just kicking and making noises and cooing and looking at me while cramming her tiny fingers in her mouth. Amazing.

AJ was good today. Emmy slept while I was able to do the night time routine with the other two. They were clearly happy that they had me back for an evening to do that. They even let me wash their hair without too much fuss. Tomorrow morning I am going to go and buy some flowers to give as thank you's to freinds who have been bringing food and gifts to help us this past week. My friend Sally has brought me tons of stuff, like a bathtub she found at a garage sale which is small with a kind of insert that is perfect for sponge-bathing Emmy on the kitchen counter. She has made dinner (chicken rice-pasta salad with nuts and grapes) and hummus and two batches of butternut squash soup...while managing to not stray from our absurdly difficult list of food requirements and no no's. I told her that I don't expect anyone to cook for my family since it is hard to know what to do or how to put anything together with no casein, gluten, soy, MSG, food from cans lined with BPA's, preservatives...and preferably all organic. But she still made us food and so did another friend using rice pasta, ground beef, peppers and pepperoni made a type of goulash, is what DH called it. A mom from Owen's school gave us a bunch of hot pink cloth diapers, a bike trailer and the cutest girl clothes from Gymbore and little fancy boutiques...stuff I could never afford. Usually when you get clothes from friends/acquaintances they have weeded out the best stuff for close friends or to save. But this is the stuff that I remember her baby girl wearing and thinking she had such beautiful clothes. So I kind of feel like I have struck the lottery with this. The amount of generosity and giving and kindness from people over the past week is really baffling and appreciated. So tomorrow I will get the flowers and vases and do some delivery's around town, or well, DH will. I don't really like leaving the house since our nursing sessions are still so close together and still painful at first. I was really nervous about taking her to the dr this morning but it worked out just fine. I even nursed in the room waiting for the dr, which I really didn't want to do in such a germy environment. But it went just fine. My mom was with me which was a comfort. I don't want to drive Emmy anywhere though, I just want to keep her in a bubble...not realistic I know.

Finally, AJ brought her Kindergarten report card home today and got all 1's...all of them, which is like straight A's.

me.

It has been a week, and what an amazing week.  Somehow, so far, I have had the best case scenario dropped into my life. She is the prettiest, most laid back sweet little baby. I have not had to suppliment with formula for the first time ever, although the latching on is still like a burning iron clamp on my nipple.  BUT that is getting better and the scabs are healing. I am starting to be more picky about my latch and figure out what I need to do to stop the pain.  She likes the sling, which is amazing and she sleeps in it while I type. The wrap around one I looked at on the internet and bought, is working like I had hoped it would. I it amazing to me that what I had imagined might work, to help make life easier, actually did work. So we have not been dealing with bottles or formula  or sterilizing or feeling horrible about giving her milk protein. I have been strict about not having casein in my diet and she doesn't seem to have tummy problems. She does spit up when I lie her flat on her back,  but that is simply solved by the elevated sleep positioner we have on my bed, which I elevate a litte more with a flat pillow and then I have another pillow where her legs go so she doesn't slide down. 

I have learned about swaddling, which I did not do with the other two. When she is fussy and I need an hour to fill up with milk, we swaddle her and DH takes her and she is calm until I am ready to feed her. I am constantly amazed that our strategies and tools are actually working and she seems to be comfortable and happy and full. She does choke a bit on the let down but all my friends say that their babies do/did that. The main difference  between her and Owen's drinking is that she stops drinking when the flow gets fast. She waits and then she breathes, then she drinks some more.  Owen used to gulp and gulp and gulp and I would find myself saying "breathe, breathe!" Then he would choke on it and cough and sputter and try to breathe. When I would take away his bottle or latch him off to give him a breath he would choke too. So even though Emmy is having a little trouble, it seems to be a normal trouble, not like Owen's intense, weird medical swallowing problem. The funny thing about that is that Owen couldn't get a rythum going with his swallowing and breathing. Now the kid has the most incredible rythum you have ever ever seen in a 4 year old. His rock band drumming skills are so amazing I could get him on Oprah I'm sure if I sent them a video.

I let AJ pick out an outfit for Emmy every morning and she loves doing that. She goes into Emmy's room and looks in the basket where I put all the pink 0-3 clothes and brings something back, very excited to watch me put it on her. Owen's job is to come and tap Emmy's back to help burp her. 

So I am so in love with my perfect little girl. I want to protect her with a ferocity that is beyond me. I want to make sure that this new immense joy and huge bubble of love surrounding our whole family, stays and stays. I guess I have no control really, but I want this. This is like nothing I could let myself even imagine. Having her in the house is like having everything lit up with gold sunlight, I'm serious. The flowers outside are more pink, the leaves shine brighter and the blue sky is like a comforting dome over our little house. I'm not saying things are perfect, but when joy has hidden her face for years, it is quite exciting to have her in our life again thanks to Emmy.

they do come out

I went into labor about 3 and a half hours after writing the previous post.  Emmy was born on March 13 at 12:30. She is the most perfect little thing ever...so sweet and laid back and amazing. I am so happy.

me.

When are you having that baby?

I have been having contractions for the past 3 days now and thought I was in labor 3 different times! In fact, the kids are at my parent's house right now because I thought I was in labor this afternoon and had my mom leave work and come and get them. They are sleeping at my parent's house but I'm not in labor anymore.

 I went to see Lilly when the contractions were more intense but dying off again...and she checked me and said that I was pretty much the same, maybe 2 cm dialated instead of 1 but that was a stretch. She said I might be in early labor but probably not.

So now over the past few hours from about 10 pm to a little after midnight I get a contraction about once or twice every half-hour or hour. They don't feel like BX contractions, they feel real but apparently they are getting me nowhere. When Lilly checked me today I though that  the baby would be at least a few stations down but no, but no. It is still "way up there." 

People in the hallways of the kid's schools are saying "When are you having that baby?" 

AJ so wants me to have it soon. She is so excited about it. When I dropped her off this morning all the little girls in her class lined up to hug my belly. They all looked so cute in their dresses because it was picture day.  I was thinking about it and even though the waiting is frustrating, I am so lucky to be on the verge of having my 3rd child. He/she is moving around a lot and the kids are happy and I have a lot of support. This afternoon I swept the leaves off the front pathways and thought about the different jobs I've had, and my old apartment in California that was above a fancy restaurant. And I thought about how wonderful it was that here I was sweeping leaves off my very own pathway in my own grassy front yard in 78 degree breezy weather on a street completely pink and white with Azaleas and Dogwoods. I realized it was a very special time.

me

dancing elixer

I hope I am bringing this baby into a good place and a good family. We kind of just do a little better than manage right now and I know that a new baby it going to throw that back to just manage. I would like to think that there will be a lot of joy too, but maybe that will be a perk added to the hard work that I know is coming. My friends have advised me to think positive thoughts for the baby, that it can feel the good energy coming from me. I know they are right so I am trying. If I put music on everything gets better. In fact, there we go. I think I'll go clean now to Kylie Minogue :)

p.s. it was no big deal taking the kids to school this morning. 

When I woke up this morning and realized I did not go into labor last night it felt like that movie groundhog day...when Bill Murrey wakes up and everything is exactly the same when it should be different. I don't know how I will get out of bed to take the kids to school on monday. I'm not going into labor tonight. I can just tell. I have had some bx contractions but nothing is really moving along. Today I did have the cleaning bug but it wasn't for the baby's room or the house, it was for our cars so I don't think that counts as valid nesting leading to labor. I cleaned out and vaccumed both mine and DH"s cars, and they were a lot of work since we park outside, kind of in the dirt so it took tons of vaccuuming and wiping down every nook and cranny. DH put some mulch down in the driveways and then down the pathways in the garden so that all my hard work wouldn't be ruined the second we all got into the cars.

DH had his surprise party last night at our friends house and I think he really enjoyed it, in fact I know he did. It is funny that he doesn't say much or even say thank you really. But he did exclaim that he hadn't had a birthday party in years and that he really was surprised. I could tell by how much he was smiling at the party that he had a good time. The kids had fun too. I hope I got some good wife brownie points. I'm pretty sure I did. Like I said, he doesn't say much so I have to just sort of figure. I told him the other day that he is no fun to buy presants for because he doesn't ever say thank you or give hugs or act like he likes anything at all. He seemed a bit surpriesed and I think he logged it in his brain. This stuff makes him sound like kind of an ass, but he isn't. He is just kind of spectrumy in a autism kind of way, meaning that he doesn't have an idea he is doing socially lame things unless you "matter of factly" - not meanly, point things out to him. He might show a little more gratitutde next time he gets a present if he logged that one well enough. When I first met DH he never ever used eye contact with anyone. He barely does now but I told him way back when that you should look at people when you talk to them, and he got better and better over the years we have been together. I noticed last night though actually that he really does avoid contact when he is having small talk conversations with the guys. It is so so weird for me to watch. I find my self smiling at the ground in mild embarrassment. I never say anything these days. He knows about eye contact now. I don't need to come back to that. And I can't help but think it is kind of cute in a way. Also, he still manages to have witty and mildy sarcastic small talk conversations with his friends, even without eye contact. I am terrible at that so I can't help but be a little in awe.

Our whole family is very anxiously awaiting this baby. My dad told me though that he can't get out of work on Monday morning to watch the kids. I wasn't surprised. He is weird about some stuff and I knew he would be weird about this. That is why I have a friend lined up to take care of the kids while my mom and DH help me at the hospital. My dad is too unpredictible and emotionally screwed up these days. Speaking of emotionally screwed up, I refuse to imagine what it will be like to have a baby in the house. I have let myself fleetingly think of it, but I feel like it is bad luck or something and I just have to picture myself getting through labor first. Then when the baby is here I will allow myself to picture it a part of the family and in the different rooms in my house. I think becasue we all experienced my sister' s baby not arriving it is so intensely hard on us that my baby has not arrived yet. We just want it to happen, to know that it can and to get the baby here safe and sound.

I spoke to my sister's husband today. It was his birthday. He said he was just hanging around the house. He didn't try and lean on me today or say how sad he was. We didn't even talk about my sister. I didn't mention being pregnant or anything like that. Our conversation was very removed and distant and kind of polite. I feel a little bad about it. But I am in no shape for an emotional conversation with him.

Most of my friends, if not all, don't really know about the intense behavior problem AJ has. We had another screaming, throwing things, breaking things and hitting-night. I let DH deal with it and he was really good. He just restrained her when she started destroying her room and then when she said she would calm down he let her go. We gave her a melatonin, the first in a couple of weeks I think. She asked for mama and came into my room and said she was sorry and asked me to lie down with her. I said no, I said that when she hits and throws things that I don't want to lie down with her and I will see her in the morning. I want her to understand that when you have that kind of behavior that people don't want to be around you. Maybe tomorrow I will talk about that with her. I will have to think carefully before I speak though because I don't want things to come accross as, I only love you when you are good. I need to figure out how to say it so that it makes sense and it not confusing and I haven't figured that out yet.

She got mad tonight because she wanted to play with her dolls instead of going to bed. I gave her time, lots of time and warnings and choices. Then finally when it was time to stop negotiating and get her to put her dolls away, the scream came. So I took on of the dolls "until tomorow" and she starting hurling the dolls at the wall. That is when DH came in and scouped her up for time out in her room. Thank goodness he did that because I get so angry when she does this. I wish I understood what she was feeling or going through because then I would know how to approach it better. I just can't imagine why she thinks it is OK to completely loose control over minor things and make her night and everyone elses so completely miserable. One thing that DH said to her when she was kicking and hitting him, well, after she had calmed down a bit, was that he didn't feel safe around her when she kicks and hits him and tries to hurt him. He said that it makes him really sad and how would she like it if mommy and daddy tried to hurt her? I think it is interesting that he talks to her like she is an intelligent human being even when she is acting like a complete nut job. I think it is great that he does that and I learn from that.

We talked about it after the kids were asleep and decided to try giving her scenarios before things escalate. For example, at the first scream when she is angry about something, we could present how things could go and what her choices are. She could either, 1. scream and hit and throw thing and be very sad and make mommy and daddy sad too, or 2. she could be a good listener and put her toys away and then come and lie down with mommy for bed time together and we will all be very happy. This might not work. She might just sit there and say no or something , but it used to work at the park when it was time to go and she didn't want to go. DH and I are both going to do it so it will be consistant. We aren't consistant enough in our handling her outbursts because even though it has happened often enough, we are still just completely flabergasted anyway. Our beautiful little girl just turns into a monster and we are caught off guard every time. So that is a peice of a plan put in place. Besides that I guess we will continue our time out option and restraint when she hits or throws things. I don't know if what we are doing is right and I am going to get that "Explosive Child" book.

Finally I want to find a website or something where aspie and autistic kids post and ask them what AJ is feeling and thinking and going through. Maybe they will have some insight and help me understand her better and maybe even have some advice on how to deal with it. I will post if I find any good ideas.

Like I said, I think our family is just kind of in turmoil waiting for this baby to arrive.

me.

These past couple of days have been really emotional. I have been shocked at what feels like the baby blues, before the baby is born. The house seems a little in turmoil, I think we are all tired of waiting. The kids are having tantrums, I am tired and useless...not wanting to clean or do anything at all besides sleep. It wasn't like this with the other two. I was so excited. Now I have been nervous about the pain of labor. I am worried about going to the hospital full of strangers and  I keep thinking that after laboring at home for a while I am not going to want to get out of the tub and put clothes on and go to the hospital at transition. At least the weather is warming up this weekend. 

I guess I should be glad since DH's surprise party is tomorrow. I have to make his cake and get stuff for it tomorrow. I hope the kids are better behaved tomorrow. Owen was horrible about leaving the park, which is unusual for him, and AJ freaked out about going to bed and hit and kicked DH when he told her to put her dolls away to go to bed. We had done so well avoiding this. It has been weeks since we have dealt with any hitting or kicking. I guess it is because she wasn't in bed by 7:30 with lights out at 8. We just have to stick to that schedule like crazy or have to deal with the consequences. It worries DH and I though because that type of behavior will be even more difficult with a new born around. He can't seem to put them to bed very well. That stuff doesn't happen when I put the kids to bed. I took a short nap tonight leaving him in charge of bed time.  If I can't even have a rest without order going out the window, how am I going to nurse all day? Hopefully my sling will help.

I realized tonight that I am also dealing with grief for my sister. It is just shocking for me to be doing this without her, and to not be comparing notes and to not be talking about her birth experience. She should be telling me I'm nuts to not get the epidural. I wish there were more people to love this baby, like her and her baby. He should have her as an aunt and her boy as his cousin. The holidays should be nuts. But my family is growing without cousins. 

I don't think I am complaining about that fact, I just want my sister. Right before labor is such a family time. Everyone is so excited. But with Claire in Israel and my parents also freaking out that my older sister isn't experiencing this, it feels kind of alone. Maybe that is why I was so upset when my midwife said she won't be available this weekend to help. I just feel like the familiar and comforting support system that I had with the other two has ruptured. I know that DH will be amazing and I am so lucky to have my mom in town. But I wish that number 3 here had as much love waiting for it here on the outside of tummy world, as AJ and O did. 

I guess I have infinite amounts of love to give though. 

I don't think the baby will come tonight because instead of a burst of energy I have been stressed and depressed.  I told DH that I think it will be next tuesday.

I just want to hurry up and  have this baby though because my sister and her baby didn't make it and I want to give my parents a new grandchild that gets born, an unanswered question answered with joy.

me. 

So I was kinda hoping I would go into labor tonight since this is the last time Lilly will be on call until next week. I'm tired though. I think instead of waiting up I am going to go to bed. I put clean sheets on and took a shower, incase the baby does come tonight. Oh endless endless anticipation and the unknown, well, I have decided to be positive about it.

Yesterday something happened that I have been wanting to happen since AJ's first day of school. Shoot, I'm too tired. I'll blog about it tomorrow.

me.

The cosleeper was not in storage and my mom thinks we gave it to my sister. I'm not asking her husband for it back. But I have a friend who is going to lend me a rocking cradle that we can put next to our bed for a couple of months. I am sad we won't have our beautiful co-sleeper, it was so handy. But we will be able to move the cradle around and perhaps that will be nice. I don't know as I have never had one before. 

I was feeling pretty bad that since DH is a leap year baby, he never gets a good birthday. Last year we had relatives staying and we were grieving terribly and trying to make the kid's birthday a success. So even though he had a birthday, we didn't celebrate it really and he got totally gipped.  This year he didn't have a birthday, and on the 28th, he was off filming the wedding all day and also it is AJ's birthday. Then he was a horrible grump on March 1st and all I gave him was a chocolate bar that said happy birthday on it, because we don't have any money this week.  I finally asked my parents on sunday night to watch the kids and give us $20 to see a movie (I know that is pitiful). We saw Coraline...his pick. But then it ended up not being in 3D like it was supposed to be because the Jonus Bros movie took up that screen. So once again, he was disappointed. So he had a grumpy birthday. 

I was explaining this to my friend, Lisa and she said that we should have a surprise birthday party for him at her house this Friday night. So that is what we are going to do. I don't think this baby is going anywhere so at least the party will be a distraction from the unbearable anticipation. We are going to play Rock Band and we will invite our friends and mostly Lisa's friends because we only have a couple and she has a bunch that we like a whole lot but don't take the time to connect with...even though we should of course. 

AJ had a good day. In fact something wonderful happened this evening. I started dancing to a song that DH was playing on the CD player and then AJ started dancing too. She hasn't danced with me since she was a wee little thing, pre autism really.  We both danced around and then SHE took MY hands and danced with me. I knew it was really special and I was so so happy.

me.