Autism Mom Journey

Hold Off On The Added Attention Vitamin

2011-03-31T02:01:00.000-04:00

They are all exploding in the kitchen when I buy them. I called the company who told me that the batch with the 2013 expiration date has a mixture where the sugars ferment and make it explode when you open it. She said the "new formula" should be ready in 2 weeks. I asked her to call me when it is ready. In the meantime, AJ has been taking MRM Attention Gels. She hates taking them because she has to swallow them whole. Sometimes she chews them a bit and swallows them quickly with a drink because they taste disgusting when chewed...poor little thing. But they seem to be keeping her in our world...so that is good.

Hello Again

2011-03-19T14:45:00.000-04:00

It has been over a year since my last post. I wanted to update and say that AJ is doing really well right now and I know why. Her liquid vitamin, "ADDED Attention" by, Burried Treasure, is like a miracle for her. I don't know about other kids on the spectrum but this is what she needs for sure. When she doesn't take it she is in a complete fog (one time we ran out and I couldn't get more for a month). After we give it to her for 3 days she gets a bit better...then after 2 weeks she is a new person. Her teachers can tell the difference too. We also are very good about giving her (and her siblings) "Rhino Gummy Calci-Bears with vitamin D. They are by "Nutrition Now."

It is huge for me to know what keeps AJ's head clear. Before we would have major ups and downs...some weeks were great and some were awful. Now I know that it must have been that some weeks she was randomly getting the nutrition she needed, and others, she wasn't. When I am good about giving her the vitamins she is able to talk to friends and keep friends. She still is horrible about getting her homework done...but less horrible than when she isn't on the vitamins. She is just happier and listens more. She is on "Earth" as we joke, when is taking the vitamins.

We have changed her diet a bit. I still am good about keeping her diet free of, gluten, soy, preservatives and artificial color, cows milk. But after we realized the vitamins had so much to do with her improvement, we do now successfully cheat with some food that was previously off limits because of the gfcf diet...and this is how we do it:

We have discovered that she can have cheese sometimes without it affecting her. This is great because the local "natural" pizza place makes an amazing gluten free pizza. This is AJ's favorite food and we have it every couple of weeks. Also now at Publix they have Annie's Gluten Free Pizza. Now I can keep something in my freezer that I can give to her when running out of time.

I still keep her far from cows milk. She is very happy with rice milk in her natural sweet rice flakes for breakfast. In face all my kids drink rice milk becuase my middle son is like a different kid on cows milk. When he drinks cows milk he asks for it all day long and is emotional and angry. When I take it away and give him rice milk, he is a great kid. I don't know why...I'm not a doctor or a scientist. But it is as clear as a bell with him. I don't keep cheese away from him but he doesn't seem to crave cheese like he does cows milk and I try not to serve it every day. We do put a bit of cheese on our rice pasta which makes the kids like it more though. So I have learned to use some stuff (cheese) that used to be on the "no" list. I have to be really tuned in to their needs and emotions. I am so happy now though because I have found a food/nutrition balance that works for them. Now I have happy kids even though they are not "typical" kids. Emmy (my 2-year-old) is completely typical and she is fine with cows milk. But...I give her rice milk anyway. She gets gummy supplements and breast milk still...not she is not missing out on any nutrition.

And...we got a microwave. Our friend was giving away her brand new one because she replaced it with a super fancy one for ther new kitchen. Our microwave mostly just sits there but every couple of weeks I heat up some frozen peas for my 2-year-old. I still don't use it to cook whole meals. If pregnant people are not supposed to be around microwaves...I don't think that kids with autism should really be either.

So that is my update. Things are good.

Facebook is kind of Funny

2009-10-16T23:33:00.004-04:00

When I look at my profile facebook page it looks like I have this super-interesting, fun life with tons of amazing friends. It is kind of a reminder of how lucky I am. But what is funny is that the truth lying beneath it is not so rosy. Like, I wrote how we went to Miami yesterday to get passports for the kids since we are going to England next week to attend my Grandmother's memorial service. Anyway, this all looks very interesting, but I don't mention of course how the drive was really scary for me because of my anxiety disorder (and I was the passenger not the driver.) I feel like many of my posts have underlying things in there that I don't mention and I wonder if this is the same for other people. When I look at my high school friend's profile pages, sometimes it looks like everyone has this amazing life, but I have to remember that the profile pages are what people choose for their books "cover."
My friends all do Facebook and when we get together we take lots of pictures and post them all. It is like a big advertizement for how cool we are or something when the opposite is true. We are are struggling and have problems, some of us serious problems, amongst of course, joy also and a strong bond of friendship. But the photos show us all smiling and hanging out and having a great time with the girls. They don't show that we talked about autism or my friend's daughter who is regressing because of her seisures. All people see when they look at my page is the smiles, the friends, the summary of each story that has so much more to it than what is posted.
I feel like I have been posting a lot of deaths recently. My cat/1st baby died two weeks ago and everyone comforted me with their 2 sentence words of sympathy. Then my Grandma died and I posted something about that and got more sympathy. It is just knid of weird really. So why do I post? I don't know. I suppose I want my friend's to know this stuff. It is like letting everyone know without having to email them and if my friend's want to know what is gong on it is very easy for them to check in on my profile page. The very weird part though is the people who I am "friends" with who I am really just aquaintences with. I wonder if they get tired of my "feeds" about my life. I guess they can easily not see my feeds anymore. I wonder how many people have done that.
me.

Won't Do Classwork

2009-09-29T20:55:00.007-04:00

Another day of school work strike. She came home with 5 worksheets to complete that she didn't do at school. After speech, we sat at the table and did school work for an hour or more. At one point I took her hand and wrote her sentences for her. This is ridiculous. I don't know why she can't just do her work like she always did before 1st grade. And why is an aid getting paid to let her leave school without completing her work? If I can get her to do it in an hour, her aid should be able to get her to do it in the 6 hours of her school day. I don't know...

Bullying....anxiety......getting better....happiness.

2009-09-25T23:25:00.015-04:00

So my friends and family do not read this blog. They know I have a "secret" blog and that is about it. Isn't that weird? I like that I can just pretty much say what I want, say the truth and exactly how I feel.. and get some feedback from other autism moms and such.

Bullying the autistic kid:

AJ came home from school yesterday saying that some kid, Thomas told her she was "really stupid," and "not pretty." She said he came over and pushed her in the playground and then when they were back inside the classroom he threw her name tag in the trash and that her teacher didn't have anymore tape...whatever that meant...but she was very upset about it. She said she didn't want to go to school anymore now. So I called her teacher right away.

Her teacher had given me her home phone at the beginning of the year and I decided this was the time to use it. I called and left a message about what AJ had told me. I couldn't help but think though that maybe this Thomas kid perhaps had a crush on AJ. The thing is, is that AJ is quite remarkably pretty and people often comment on her looks and I know the kids in her class do think she is pretty. So he was trying to get a rise out of her (probably because she was ignoring him). But even so, he mustn't be allowed to torment her. She said he had left his soccer match with the boys to come over to her to push her, then went back to his soccer match. That sounds like a 1st grade crush to me really. But even so, she was threatened by it and didn't want to go to school because of it, so it needed to be stopped.

Well her teacher did not call me back last night so I went in a little bit early this morning and her teacher saw me and said, "Ahh! I got your message. We need to talk!!".

We stepped outside the classroom and her teacher told me that she didn't call me back last night because she didn't get my message until 11pm, but then she was so troubled by it that she couldn't sleep afterwards. So she looked online and chatted with other teachers about what to do. She then told me that her plan was that she needed me to tell her 3 things that AJ does, that shows she is super smart, and that she will share these 3 things with the rest of the class.

So I said, "She often tells me, 'Mom, when you are 46 I will be 16' and she can figure out pretty much any age difference between herself and any member of the family at any time in our future."

Her teacher said, "OK, so she can do double digit addition and subtraction in her head. Give me 2 more things."

"Well, she could read small words when she was only 2"

"OK, one more"

"She knew all of her states and capitals when she was 2."

"OK, perfect"

"But I don't think she knows them anymore though."

"That's OK, I've got my 3. What I'm going to do is have her aid take her out of the class and I am going to tell her class just how smart AJ is! Now I have to go in and teach." She hurried back inside her classroom, leaving me standing outside, holding Emmy, feeling a bit dazed.

So I went and got in the car feeling a bit troubled. It didn't seem like a typical way to approach this. I thought that she would take Thomas aside and help him and AJ have a dialogue about what was wrong, and then tell Thomas that it is not OK for him to push or call her stupid etc. But instead her teacher would be taking her out of the classroom, singling her out again, and addressing the whole class about the issue, who are all fine with her. So I sat in the car nd thought about going into the office and asking them to have the teacher call me when she gets a second. But I also didn't want to make a huge deal out of it. You have to pick your battles and since this was in the works of being resolved, I decided to trust her teacher and see how this odd approach went.

So when I went to pick up AJ this afternoon she came out with a huge smile on her face. Her teacher, the assistant teacher, and her aid all told me that AJ had a great day and that their talk with the class worked really well. Her teacher then told me that the kids in her class are very smart, very competitive and judgmental. She said that explaining how smart AJ actually is, made them have more respect for AJ and that she thought it helped immensely. She said that she told the class that they have to treat everyone properly, not just AJ. That sounded pretty good to me.

Taking AJ out of the classroom didn't seem to have a negative affect as AJ was really happy and even a bit chatty which is highly unusual. When we got in the car I asked her how it was with Thomas today and she said brightly, "It was really good!!!"

I couldn't help myself. I said, "See, I told you I could fix it."

I know that sounds totally self-serving, especially since I didn't fix it, her teachers did. But I wanted her to know that if she does confide in me when she has a problem, that I might actually be able to help her. So maybe this connection will keep her communicating with me when she is upset about something so that I can always try and help her.

I used to help my little sister when she was bullied. In fact, the only fist fight I have ever been in in my life was over some girl being mean to my sister. The same day my sister told me this girl was tormenting her in school, I remember I saw the girl that night in a teeny bopper dance club that we all went to and she walked past me and bumped me with her arm so I pushed her. She walked up and stuck her face in mine so I punched her right in the face. She ran away, which is funny because I am only 5'3" and was pretty skinny at that time in my life...I was 18. Anyway, the bullying of my little sister stopped and the girl, Jen, even apologized to me a year later for all of the stupid drama.

I helped my little sister another time when some kid, Ben, was yelling, "jew" at her in the hallway. The dumbest thing about that is that we are not even jewish. Our maiden name is jewish because my grandfather on my dad's side was, but everyone else wasn't and so no one, especially jews, consider our family to be jewish. But it was odd that he was yelling it at her to be, I don't know, racist or something. It was pretty disturbing.

The thing about my little sister is that she was very very pretty and never spoke a word in high school...not one word. So I think this kid was trying to get a rise out of her. But she hated school and didn't want to go because of this odd, nasty, yelling at her in the hallway. So I fixed it because I was friends with one of Ben's best friend's...a best friend who was older than Ben and I figured was kind of a mentor. So I called him up and told him what was going on and asked him to make Ben stop...and he did, and my sister was happy once again.

There is one time in my life that I was not able to fend off a bully. I was the one being bullied and I have always fended off anyone who tried to mess with me. I worked with her. She was my boss. And the difference between her and say, the boss in The Devil Wears Prada, was that she was physically threatening. She had slapped someone in the office before, she was huge, and CRAZY. She even told a coworker once about how she was going to kill everyone in the office. She had it all planned out...what gun she was going to use and who she would shoot in the back of the head and who she would shoot facing them etc. So as you can see, she was not your normal bully. She was a complete nutcase. But I kept working there. It was this terrible toxic environment and when I finally left, on the second to last day of my two weeks notice, I had a nervous breakdown at home, in the middle of the night. I had no idea what was wrong with me. I thought I was having a stroke. My hands were ice cold, my heart was racing and pounding, I could barely breathe. My husband (boyfriend at the time) took me to the emergency room and they examined me and told me I was having an anxiety attack. I was like, WTF?? They gave me some ativan and 3 more to take home with me. Then after that the anxiety came back for no reason. There was like a shelf when I tried to breathe, my heart was constantly racing. I couldn't get a full breath in. So I tried to go jogging but after my run, my heart didn't slow down and my breathing didn't get easier. I skipped my last day of work. Those bastards. Anyway...

I saw my doctor and when I went in there she said, yes, these physical things could be anxiety. I said that I couldn't fathom that anxiety could do make me feel so physically ill. So she gave me some Paxil and told me to try that. I went home and took a Paxil, thinking it would calm me down right away. DH was out somewhere and my anxiety actually got worse. I didn't know what to do with myself. I suddenly realized why people kill themselves and thought about suicide for the first time in my life. I thought about calling 911 but was too worried about what would happen. That was the worst few hours in my whole life. Well, at that time...before my sister's accident. Anyway, I finally called a psychiatrist in town and told her everything. She said it was very serious, to take one of those Ativan I got at the hospital right away and scheduled an appt to see me right away. I have to say that she pretty much saved my sanity, if not my life. I took ativan twice a day for a month until the zoloft she was giving me, kicked in. I went all the way up to 200mg of zoloft. Then it finally started working and I didn't need the ativan anymore. But it did weird stuff to me and I thought the weird stuff was my anxiety but I know now that it was side effects from the medicine. I felt like I had to clench my jaw and yawn all the time. Anytime I did exercize to get my heart rate up I got the yawns. I would get songs playing loudly in my head and I stopped playing and making music because it would stick in my head and screw with me. Especially in the morning. It was like the fight or flight symptoms never stopped, unless I was surpressing them with ativan. I knew the ativan was addictive and after a month, a bad idea to continue to take. So I didn't take more than 2 a day, one in the morning and one in the afternoon.

My biggest problem was that I was furious with myself for being "beaten" for not being stronger blah blah. I was so angry and disappointed in myself for being "crazy" although my psychiatrist assured me I wasn't. hmmmm....

Then after a couple of months, everything evened out and got so much better. I was seeing the psychiatrist twice a week and my diagnosis changed from post traumatic stress, to general anxiety disorder (I told her about my anxiety as a kid in middle school.) But it was the crazy boss who triggered this severe, crippling anxiety and it took years to get under control without medication...I would say 6 years to stop cropping up every few months or even weeks.

After my breakdown, I was on the very high dose of 200 mg of zoloft for 6 months. That means I was still on 200 mg on my wedding day. I finally went down to 100 mg after that, then weaned myself down to 50 mg when I got pregnant with AJ. I tried to go cold turkey during my first trimester and it was a disaster. But I think that my anxiety during the "cold turkey phase" was probably worse for AJ than the zoloft.

I only took a teeny tiny bit of zoloft while I was pregnant with Owen, and I took none this time while pregnant with Emmy. I didn't need it. All the anxiety melted away by my second trimester. I had never felt better in my life. I can't help but wonder if the awful shock and grief I felt from my sister's death, kind of rebooted my system. I'm not saying the shock was good for me, I mean I aged terribly over the 6 months following her accident, my whole family did too. But I think that mentally it changed some things, set them on a different paths...moved some paths around.

Now, I still have a bit of anxiety, but nothing like I used to have. My anxiety keeps me from driving out of town by myself or with the kids, and I never never drive on the interstate. That is also because of my sister's accident. But I am afraid of driving where one little mistake could instantly kill you. I am afraid of death, but not like I was when I was having serious issues, now it is in a way that I think most autism mom's fear it. Now I just feel like I need to be here for my kids, so nothing better ever happen to me. I also know that my parents and younger sister couldn't mentally survive another huge loss in our family.

So that is the history after my anxiety disorder was triggered. It had always been lingering as a kid, but didn't blow up until it was triggered. And perhaps that is how autism happens, it is just triggered like that too. Perhaps AJ will get better but always be a bit autistic, just like I am better but will always have a slight anxiety disorder. Who knows, perhaps with all of this new epigenetic research, maybe both my anxiety disorder and her autism will be cured. Hey, if they can cure anxiety in rats, they should be able to give me a little of that medicine.

If you stuck through this whole post, thank you :)

me.

1st grade stuff and some other stuff

2009-09-24T00:03:00.007-04:00

So AJ is on the upswing and has been for a few days. In fact, the day after she stayed up with me and ate peanut butter, she had a really good day. This means, I think, that we can add peanut butter back in her diet again and not just for a one-time treat. Her nervous cough is gone now and Her teachers and aid think that they have "figured her out" at school. I guess when she was going through her work strike they were just letting her wander off to the book nook, and sit on pillows and read while everyone else was doing spelling and math. When I found this out I told them simply that she should only be allowed to do this AFTER she completes her assignments. Now, she magically does her work and then gets to have free time. We are still struggling with handwriting getting in the way of her writing stuff freely, although today was the first day that she just wrote a story in her journal. The letters were all mixed up with caps and lowercase and many were turned the wrong way...BUT fewer were backwards than last month and fewer were capitalized. She just has a major problem with the letter a...she only wants to write, A. Oh, well, this seems so minor but once she learns something it gets stuck in her head and it is like we have to unlearn that it is OK to mix up caps and lower case. It is not like most kids where you just kind of change what you do....with AJ you have to teach her to unlearn this way of writing then help her relearn how to do it properly. Then the odd changing in how she is supposed to do it, upsets her. I don't know why they didn't teach the kids how to do it properly the first time around. When I was a kid, I was taught it properly and wasn't left to learn my own way of writing...mixing up all the letters and such.

When I pick her up from school I talk to her teachers and aid almost every day for a few minutes. So when DH and I went to AJ's open house tonight we didn't really learn anything new. I just completed the "parent assignment" which was to draw a picture in her journal and write about it. I drew a picture of our family, wrote our names over our heads then wrote it the book: Hi AJ, Your journal looks great. I love you so much. Love, Mommy (and DH wrote, "and Daddy.")

I noticed at open house when I looked in her journal that she only drew pictures with no writing until a couple of days ago and I thought it was kind of strange that she was left to struggle and just write stuff freely. When I was a kid I was given a book where I drew on one side then I brought the picture to the teacher who asked me what it was then wrote it down on the next page...for example: "This is a beautiful fairy. She has pink wings with blue on them."

Then I would copy the teachers writing undernieth each word. This way I got used to how it should look and such...until I was ready to start writing it on my own. I did this a bit with the kids over the summer but AJ really needs it more. So maybe I will start doing it at home again with the kids. As if I didn't have enough to do :) Target has these cool notebooks where it is blank on the top of the page then lined at the bottom. I'll get a couple of those.

After open house, DH and I went out to eat. My parents were watching the kids so we snuck in a bit more alone time and had a nice dinner. I even ordered a cosmopolitan and didn't get a headache!! I didn't drink the whole thing though since I knew I would be nursing Emmy in a couple of hours. It was nice to relax though. I felt so much better after a small drink and got all happy and chatty with DH. Our food was delicious and a tiny dragon fly landed in my water! DH saved it and we watched it sit and dry out its wings for a little while then fly off. I got a new water. As much as dragon flys are pretty, I still don't want to drink after them.

I did something kind of weird. I asked my sister's husband (the sister who passed away) if I could have her fake Christmas tree. I was thinking about how a few years ago she was obsessing about finding a hot pink Christmas tree, then she found it and paid like, $400 for it. I thought it was really funny that she wanted it, and wanted it so bad that she paid a lot of money for it which wasn't really like her. I thought about how it would be so cool to have since she was always with us for Christmas before and it would be like a representation of her and the kids would decorate it and she would be with us through Christmas. DH was a bit "ugh" about the prospect of a hot pink Christmas tree, especially since he really enjoys picking out real ones each year. But he said if it meant a lot to me that it was fine with him. So I emailed my sister's husband last week, asking him, and he hasn't emailed me back. Now I am starting to feel a bit weird about the whole thing. I'm also wondering if I really want it after all. I mean, maybe it will just be sad when I look at it and glaring in my my living room.

Hm, I have a feeling he will not want to give it up. Although I can't imagine him putting it up. This is the first thing I have asked for. He did bring me her bike, which I haven't ridden yet, and all of her sewing stuff, which I haven't used. It is weird to have that stuff. Hm. Maybe it will be weird to have her Christmas tree. Maybe it will just be sad.

Stuff coming up: DH is going on tour for a week with his band and they are going to play at CMJ in NY. He was all excited tonight because CMJ is giving the bands new shoes. Their new album is coming out next month. Also coming up...For my birthday we are traveling 3 hours south to my hometown where I am going to see all my friends . The fam is going to stay at my friend, Tina's house. I am going to attempt to have a girls night out with my friends there so that will be fun/interesting. DH and Tina's husband will watch the kids who are going to have a fun sleepover. Gosh I would love to go dancing. I think that is a bit too ambitious though. Also coming up...my parents are closing on my childhood house next Wednesday. Holy crap, that is an emotional thing I will have to try and live around.

me.

First Grade and Stuff

2009-09-17T23:22:00.004-04:00

I let AJ stay up with me tonight until 10:30 while DH was off feeding my parent's dog while they are in England....then Israel. I also let her eat peanut butter which I thought made her foggy in the past but she asked for it and looked at my eyes and said, "please mommy." I couldn't say no so we put some on a rice cake with a bit of honey. I guess I let her have it because, well, she was hungry and we didn't have anything else in the house, and she has been foggy lately anyway, even though we are following the diet strictly.

Her teacher switched AJ's desk again...to the front of the classroom this time, right next to her teacher's desk. I thought it was a good place for AJ to be but I winced at the fact that she was moved again. I know the kids notice when a "problem" child is moved around the classroom a few times in an effort to make things work a bit better. As I hung up AJ's backpack this morning as AJ put her lunch in her cubby, the girl who used to sit next to AJ told me with with glee that AJ had been moved away from her and sat up front now. That annoyed and worried me. Whatever. I don't know.

I have these forms that the autism society sent out a link for. Here is the link. So I printed them out to show to her teacher and see if she likes any of them. AJ has this tic. She coughs and when she is stressed she coughs about every 10 seconds. This drives people nuts. It doesn't bother me though since I feel very sorry for her. But her teacher this morning asked if there were any tricks to distract AJ from coughing as it disturbed the library visit a few days ago and they were going to that classroom again today. I said that no, there was nothing and that it would probably go away in a few days. AJ told me tonight that she has a bad cough and maybe she shouldn't go back to school until it goes away. sigh.

So we are reading the Wizard of Oz. AJ's teacher is reading it to her class so I downloaded it on my iPhone and have been reading it to the kids while the lights are off and they are in their beds. I wanted to do the same book so that AJ would be able to answer questions better if she was getting a double dose of it. Also I am going to order them some Wizard of Oz Halloween costumes tomorrow. I already have a lion costume that I borrowed for Emmy.

Emmy, by the way is doing amazingly well. She just brings joy like a ray of sunshine that doesn't stop glowing all around the house. She was 6-months-old on Sunday and she is already starting to sit up and rock forward, she even managed to do a tiny tiny bit of crawling forwards today. I was so excited. She is super cute and sweet and smiley. We haven't done any vaccines yet but I might follow the Dr. Sears vaccine schedule and take her in next week for the first one. I'm not doing HepB though since I just read today that it is linked to Autism. I knew one of these vaccines would be eventually and it kind of makes sense that it is the one they give the babies at 3 days old. I knew that seemed crazy when I was a brand new mom with her, but I decided to trust the experts, HA! Turns out that the only expert on your kid is yourself. You know, I write that but, you know, taking Owen to the hospital when he couldn't breathe was super-important, and my doctor did save my life when I had appendicitis. So it is hard to criticize when modern medicine saved my life and perhaps even Owen's. But if I blindly trust, well, look what happens.

I'm tired, I'm going to bed.

Goodnight,

me.

Wow so much has been going on

2009-09-16T01:32:00.002-04:00

AJ started 1st grade and I was once again reminded that I have a little girl with autism. I guess over the summer I was able to kind of forget. At summer camp she happily played, made friends and had a nice time. She did the little work books that I made for them and things were pretty chill. We just all kind of hung out and gave Emmy lots of attention.

Now...she is going on a "work strike." Her new teacher is sending home pages and pages of homework which are worksheets that she didn't do in class. We spent 2.5 hours yesterday (with breaks) doing homework like writing spelling words and doing math problems that she can do in her sleep. So it has been a tough transition and she started her little cough/tic again. Her little cough comes back when she is stressed out. At speech today her speech teacher was worried about her being so stressed and said she wanted to figure out a way to "help us." I have a feeling that means a psychologist or something. I told her I will take any help I can get to keep my little one comfortable and happy.

me.

Obsessive Doll Arranging

2009-08-07T22:15:00.005-04:00

So I decided there are worse things than a husband buying a keyboard for his beloved band. I decided I didn't feeling being mad so I just let it go.

AJ has been obsessing over her dolls. When we are out of the house she wants to get home because she "has work to do." She arranges them into piles and decides who are the brothers and sister and arranges them in to classes and grades. She didn't want to go to sleep tonight because she had "lots of work to do." I think I am going to do what I did before and allow her 6 or 10 dolls at a time because she seems to have about 50 little dolls again. Then she can switch them out each day for different ones. But she gets overwhelmed and obsessive over having so many. I think she will be happier without so much work to do. We will play it by ear, I don't want to take away what she loves, but I have a feeling there will be some relief involved if we cut it way down.

this sucks

2009-08-06T22:09:00.008-04:00

I'm kind of freaking out right now. DH told me that he bought a midi keyboard for his band. This is at a time when we have no money and I have been busting my butt to get wedding video bookings and editing whenever I get a second between taking care of the 3 kids. The keyboard was $250. I feel like he is pissing away my hard work...on his band. He said he bought it because I got a booking and 2 more inquiries. I have been so stressed lately with trying to keep the business going so we can pay our mortgage, so stressed that it made me sick with this shingles..which you only get when your immune system is compromised and/or if you are suffering from severe stress.

If I spend too much money it is because I went to Gymboree and went a bit nuts on the sale rack or something. It is always for the kids or our family. I am so disappointed that his splurge is for the band while our family is suffering severe money issues. There is so much we could do with $250 right now for the business. This recession is kicking my ass.

His band is really good. They are getting ready to release a new album and go on tour. He loves it and I try hard to support him. But tonight...I hate it. Tomorrow I will gather myself up again and look on the bright side again. Now, I think I will make myself a cup of decaf tea to try and get rid of this migraine, and maybe find something mindless on TV.

me.

The happy panicker

2009-08-02T12:45:00.006-04:00

Good afternoon. This morning I slept and slept while DH made blueberry pancakes for the kids and did laundry and then cleaned the kitchen. Please call me the luckiest person in the world.

Acutally he probably did it because I had really bad anxiety last night for the first time in a long time. I actually had gone to sleep at 10 then woke up at midnight in a panic. I called to DH who finished up his video game level then came in to see what I needed. I told him my skin hurt and I was panicking. I told him that I didn't want to look at these same f....ing walls. He said that the laptop was right there and so was my iphone. I said no, I need a book or photos or something. He left and came back with a big wad of photos from the photo drawer, many of which were from our wedding. That made me smile and we went through them together. Then when we got to the photo of my parent's old house at Christmas time I started to cry. They sold that house yesterday. It was on the market for over a year, almost 2 years I guess. It is a huge 5 bedroom 3 bath, two story red brick house with a huge front and back yard and our swing on the oak tree out back. They sold it for $175,000 which is digustingly low for that amazing house...my childhood house. But the people buying are really excited about it, which makes it better for some reason.

So I realized that is why I woke up panicking. I also was panicking for a very, very, weird reason. It was this video, this short 4 minute story that I watched right before bed and then seemingly for hours, played in my head like clockwork till I woke up freaking out. If you watch it and can figure out why I was panicking about it, I'd love to hear your theory because I have none. p.s. he didn't give them 50cents.

me.

a couple of things

2009-08-01T21:59:00.004-04:00

OK this Shingles stuff is a bit more uncomfortable now. It isn't so uncomfortable that it makes me panicky, and it isn't worse than a headache or stomach ache, in fact it is still better than either of those. But my skin is starting to hurt and my neck is sore too. The weird thing is that it looks like the rash is starting to clear up. This evening I told DH that I think I am getting sick because my neck aches an my skin hurts. He said "You are sick. You have shingles."

"Oh yea."

But my skin hurts all over, not just near the rash, which is what happens when I am getting sick.

Tonight something wonderful happened. I lay down with AJ for a while as she was going to sleep and we chatted a bit. She will chat with me to keep me there since she likes having company when she is fighting going to sleep. So I get to chat. When we were done I told her thank you for talking to me and that I love talking with her. She said, "Mom, you make my heart super happy."

I just about cried right then and there. She is such a beautiful child. I just want to keep her safe and happy every second of her life. I think it is good enough now though that we love each other and hang out a whole bunch.

me.

Breast feeding and Autism

2009-07-31T18:51:00.003-04:00

This is sooooooo depressing

http://www.ucsf.edu/science-cafe/conversations/merzenich/

It talks about a study saying that breast feeding causes autism (PCB's) and the source is credible. This sucks. I'm not stopping yet, but, big sigh.

shingles and nursing

2009-07-31T01:45:00.003-04:00

It is day 4 of this shingles business. My rash is looking pretty awful but I don't have open wounds. In fact I wonder if it is clearing up without getting revolting. I hope so. I don't know if that is possible though. The Tegaderm plastic cover things are working really well. Emmy is nursing on that side now (no more pumping except to get milk for AJ and Owen) and when Emmy nurses it actually stops the itch, which is really nice. The main bad thing is that if I forget and scratch it, it feels like someone is holding a match to my skin. So I have only forgotten twice. My right eye feels kind of funny. I hope that nothing weird goes wrong with that. It is itchy and kind of sore.

I'm writing this down because I didn't see any day by day accounts when I looked up shingles on the internet, so I wanted to document it a little bit incase anyone else had a mild case of it like me and wanted to see what it is like each day. The very best thing I am doing is resting. DH is coming home for lunch so I can sleep and that makes me feel so much better.

So since Owen hasn't had any dairy, his stuttering has stopped. One of my friends told me that there must be a major genetic allergy to dairy in my family. I told her I think it is totally weird that the allergy is neurological. The she said, "Hasn't your anxiety been much better?" She is right. It has. I am happier now than I have been in many many years. Maybe that is because I have my third baby and we have our own house. But I don't know. Maybe it is because my brain doesn't do well with dairy also? Hm, that seems like a stretch and I miss my pizza for sure.

OK, goodnight for now.

me.

shingles, autism, recession

2009-07-29T13:06:00.005-04:00

I'm on day 3 of this shingles rash and I think I must be one of the lucky few that isn't that bothered by it. It is itchy but if I just leave it alone it is OK. If I forget and touch it, then it hurts. But I am being super careful to just ignore the itch. I don't have pain on the nerve where the rash runs so I guess I am very lucky not to have that. I am just really really really tired. I also have swollen glands and a sore throat but not too badly or anything.

So I have been using the plastic stuff, Tagederm, over the rash which helps because I can see where it is. I have started nursing Emmy on that side again since her mouth doesn't go near the rash, where as the pump piece got a bit too close to it and aggravated it a bit.

I have been pumping and giving the milk to AJ and Owen, disguised with chocolate rice milk so they are not totally grossed out. I am hoping the antibodies will help Owen not get it and might help Avery's autism?? Who knows. I was also thinking that I stopped nursing AJ around 14 or 16 months and if autism has anything to do with immune defficiency that breast milk can only help with that. I know she is 6 but its not like I'm putting her on my boob or anything. She doesn't even know she is getting it (she would be grossed out if I told her.) Both AJ and Owen are doing well today. Owen's stuttering seems to be much better too since I stopped giving him dairy a week or so ago. DH noticed that too. Of course, it could be a coincidence, but I don't think so.

So DH is at a meeting but is going to come home from work early so that I can sleep. He came home for a long lunch and I slept for an hour and a half. I might go lie down right now while the kids are watch a movie and Emmy is asleep.

Oh, I finally got a wedding video booking, which means we now have August and September's mortgage covered (if everyone sends their checks in). Maybe that is why I got shingles. I was so stressed about paying the mortgage because we weren't getting any bookings that it made me sick? I don't know.

me.

A helpful Yahoo Answer to my question about Shingles

2009-07-27T22:29:00.001-04:00

My Question:

When do Shingles start to hurt? I am on day 1 and no pain but worried the rash will start to hurt?
I have covered the rash with bandages and see red lines down my back where I guess it is spreading to. I have no pain and mild itching. My dermatologist prescribed Valtrex but I see no need to take it if there is no pain, but I am worried the pain may suddenly start. Does anyone have any experience with this day by day?
Thank you for any help.

Answer: (from a very smart 13 yr old!)

Yikes. im sorry to hear that you have shingles. im 13 and i got them this year. yes, they will get very painful. but what helped me SO much, (my doctor didnt even recomend it, my mom told me:) is calamine. its a pink liquid. you apply it on the rash and leave it there. what it does is drys out the blister and then they will tend to fall off. i had to gob on the calamine. its very cold also and feels good when you put it on the rash. relief. i put it on with a cottonball. so i would start with that before the pain comes because trust me, it killls. but dont be scared. because you'll feel a whole lot better with calamine on(: aha. and also, when the calamine starts to work and dry the blisters out, DONT scratch at them or pick at them. it will leave scars:/ i have a collage of dots on my side and chest because of these nasty little thingss. and dont pop them either. this will spread the diease.

P.S. sorry i dont have a day by day.. but the first couple of days i didnt feel anything. i thought it was acne or something. but when the blisters start to really pop out of your skin, you will feel it. just be strong.(: and good luck!
Source(s):
experience.. *sigh*

Oh Crap I've Got Shingles (I thought you had to be old)

2009-07-27T17:44:00.010-04:00

So last night I was getting these weird hot flashes and I was having a bizarre waking dream that I was in the show, Merlin. (I love that show). I didn't realize I was sick, I just thought I was hot because Camelot was hot. But then I got up and turned the AC down, get this...so the kids wouldn't be too hot in Camelot (I was out of it). About a half hour later I felt fine, but not sleepy. At that point (about 1am by now) I felt something itchy on my breast and it felt like a bug bite or something but then I realized it was bigger than a bug bite. I got out of bed and went into the bathroom to check it out in the mirror. I was dismayed to see I had an awful rash on there...itchy red bumps. So for the rest of the nights feeding with Emmy I made sure the rash was covered with my T-shirt so her lips didn't touch the affected area.

This morning I felt fine but the rash looked so soft and lumpy and disturbing that I called my dermatologist and made an appointment for tomorrow morning at 8am. Then this afternoon I noticed that the rash had spread in a line all around my breast and I got very nervous about nursing Emmy so I called back my dermatolgist and begged them to see me today. They said they weren't a walk in clinic but when I told them I was worried about my 4 month old nursing near the rash, they fit me in this afternoon.

So when the doctor came in and I showed her the rash she backed away and hurried out of the room saying she was going to get another doctor. I thought that was kind of nerve wracking. Then she stuck her head in the room and said the other doctor was coming. She said that she was pregnant and if I had what she thought I had, that was very contageous and horrible for a pregnant woman. Then she left again and my heart was pounding out of my chest.

The next doctor came in and looked at it and said it was shingles.

I said, 'I thought only old people get shingles."

She said, "Anyone who had chicken pox as a child can get it. Doe it hurt?"

"no."

"You are very lucky that it doesn't hurt because it can be very painful."

"No it just itches a bit."

She prescribed me Valtrex and said it would be fine for nursing. I asked if Emmy could get the virus from my breast milk and get chicken pox. She said she would call my pediatrician and find out for sure. A half hour later they told me that the milk was not affected and this is what I needed to do:

1. bandage the blisters well

2. put plastic stuff over the bandages (Tegaderm)

3. pump on the affected breast making sure that no part of the rash touches the plastic of the pump. Pump while she is nursing on the other side.

4. feed her the milk that I pumped.

Now I am home and showered and bandaged up. My boob is wrapped in enough plastic to pack it in a box and ship it off somewhere. I did pump and Emmy finally took a bottle after I tried 2 different kinds. She likes the Born Free bottles and nipples and would only take it sitting on my lap and facing away from me, go figure.

I'm really tired and about to go to bed now. I decided not to take the Valtrex since I am nursing. I gave some of the breast milk that Emmy didn't drink and mixed it with AJ's favorite, chocolate rice milk and gave her a cup. I think that if autism has anything to do with viruses from shots still living in her system, maybe my antibodies fighting the shingles will help her. I'm going to give Owen some too although he isn't vaccinated for chicken pox and I might take him to get vaccinated tomorrow.

They also took a mole off to send away for a biopsy.

I'm off to bed now. I hope it isn't a bad idea not to take the Valtrex.

me.

Gluten Free, Casein Free, Soy Free

2009-07-22T01:24:00.002-04:00

I hear about people trying Gluten Free Casein Free and it not working but I wonder if they took out soy or not, or if they tried it for a good period of time. When we were off the diet, AJ lived in a fog. If I mess up the diet, she goes back into her fog. On the diet, she is aware of her surroundings. On the diet (very strictly) with methyl b12 shots added, she is awesome.

I have to be so strict about keeping any trace of soy, gluten or casein out of her diet and it is such a pain. Soy is almost as bad as gluten too. I have a feeling that most people do not do the diet this strictly and I have a feeling that if they did, that the results would be different. This means also cutting out fast food and anything that is processed. It means keeping the salt and sugar intake low and simply getting rid of anything with a long list of ingredients on the label.

I don't think that the diet is given a good enough chance. Maybe I'm wrong, but I have that feeling. I want to know if I am wrong so tell me if I am wrong.
me.

2009-07-21T00:15:00.002-04:00

Today was day 1 of the 5 weeks till school starts and it was a really nice day. I met friends at the park since it wasn't 100 degrees out this morning and realized that they both were doing the 5 week no camp thing too and so we will do play groups and such together. This is actually going to be fun. I slept in a bit too while the kids played educational computer games until I got up. I was nice and rested since I didn't have to get up and get everyone ready for camp.

I talked to L's husband tonight. More on that later

me.

Oh my god

2009-07-20T00:36:00.002-04:00

So I am going to be home with the kids for 5 weeks before school starts. FIVE WEEKS. I can't afford more summer camp or babysitting. And I have a huge wedding video that needs to be done in 3 weeks that will take about 80 hours to edit. How do I do that with 3 kids at home with me during the day...one being a 4 month old? So I am up tonight working on it. This post is my break, along with some chips and hummus.

So I have decided to change my game plan a bit. I am now going to offer less expensive videos and do less editing. I never wanted to do that before. I just wanted to do super fun challenging stuff, with lots of cool effects and music, and charge a good amount for it. But I am FREAKING out right now because I am getting no bookings. I guess no one wants to spend $3000 on a wedding video these days. For the big ones I was traveling, even out of state. But now I won't travel because of Emmy and no one in our little college town is snatching us up, or even knows about us really. I have been trying to shmooze the local wedding vendors this past month but with no bookings I don't even have $ to buy more business cards to give out. I am doing everything I can on all the social media sites short of completely spamming people, and we are having a photographer and his family over for dinner on Friday. I am going to do a bridal show in September that is breaking the bank for us now. I didn't think the economy would affect us since people don't stop getting married. But it has...and we are buying groceries on the credit card this week that we just paid off with our taxes a few months ago.

This sucks.

me.

The positive side of autism?

2009-07-17T00:04:00.006-04:00

Today was our babysitter's last day. She was AJ's aid during the school year and she has been coming over in the afternoons, picking the kids up from summer camp and watching them 3 days a week while I edit my wedding videos on the computer. She is getting her special ed certification and she is a lovely 22 year old, brilliant teacher/friend. She is already married and building a house at age 22 which I find baffling but don't harp on.

Anyway...today, her last day, she told me that she read a book recently about the positive side of autism. Of course I have already forgotten the name of the book and the author (memory lapse due to either nursing or past large doses of Zoloft before my anxiety disorder magically disappeared by itself with my most recent pregnancy). Sorry, I digress. So she told me that in this book the author visited different autism families and asked them what was positive about autism and at first they were shocked or confused by the question. Then they answered with things like, now they look at the small achievements instead of expecting large ones.

I didn't think that seemed like such a positive thing although I have a feeling that there are probably some amazing positive stories in this book and I probably need to get it. So at that point of the conversation with our babysitter I was thinking about what I think about autism. I don't really think it is positive really but it is hard to sit on that conclusion since my little girl is so completely amazing and happens to have autism. I used to think that the autism made her amazing. Now I think that her being amazing has nothing to do with the autism and that the autism actually makes it difficult for her to express herself properly. I have another way of explaining this that goes a little below the service. Here is the disclaimer...if you are squeamish about grief, stop here.

Let me start with the phrase, "All Souls Are Equal." I first heard this phrase when I was doing a photo montage honoring an amazing psychiatrist who ran the Center For Autism and Related Disabilities, and had passed away. For the montage, his former employees and his freinds sent in little notes and blurbs and recordings of what they found special about him.
I had no idea what his friend was talking about when she made this whole recording about how she loved that he taught that all souls are equal. I had no idea what on earth she was talking about and I didn't really care because I just needed to get the photo montage done and looking good and it wasn't my job at that point to try and digest the meaning of peoples sentiments.

And I didn't think of it again until a couple of months after my sister's funeral. My sister had an open casket funeral and I remember when I went to look at her I was shocked that she wasn't in there. Her body was there looking alarmingly strange, but after my first glimpse I found myself looking frantically around the room and in the air around her for her soul. I have never understood what a soul was before but now I knew exactly what it was and I suddenly knew that her body there in the casket was a house for her soul. Now her body couldn't house her soul and her soul did not have a way to express itself and I wondered where it was now. Perhaps her soul is in heaven, whatever that may be. What I know more than ever is that in this lifetime I will never know where her soul is...although I have a feeling that it isn't that far away. In fact I remember feeling an odd pang of relief when I saw that she wasn't in there because she wasn't going to be buried. Her body was, but her soul, the part that I loved, was somewhere else and was not going into the ground.

So how does this relate to autism? Since I now realized that our bodies are simply a house for our soul, I also realized that our bodies fail us sometimes and make it more difficult for our souls to express themselves. When our bodies are no longer able to express our souls, our souls have to leave our bodies. So yes, all souls are equal even though not all bodies are equal. It was a life-changing moment the evening a month or so after my sister's funeral that I remembered that phrase and realized exactly what they were talking about.

I think that autism makes it a bit harder for AJ's soul to express herself. BUT there is something positive in this because she is able to express herself in many different ways that she would not have done without the autism. Maybe I am reaching here, and we do "reach" for the sake of love and happiness. But she is able to live in an amazing world that seems to me, from the outside, to be a beautiful one. I have learned a new level of patience that I didn't know existed in me. I remember reading that Madonna said that very same thing, now that she was a parent, yes, Madonna the singer. And I remember that weird tidbit of information because when I read it i was like, yes, me too, wow. I digress again. Sorry. So the positive side of autism. In conclusion, I don't think that autism is who my little girl is. I think it is a complicated maze that mixes up how she expresses herself. Sometimes it is wonderful and amazing, sometimes it is heartbreaking and down right frustrating for everyone. Do I think she would be even more amazing if her autism wasn't in the way? Well, yes I do. I think that autism "got" her because she is such a sensitive brilliant little girl. She was one of these babies who spoke at 10 months and was singing full songs at 12 months. She was a genius child, then autism struck and it was like the book, "Flowers For Algernon." Her skills just started to back track on themselves. At first, at 14 months she could work the CD player like a teenager, finding her favorite song, memorizing the number of it and then dancing to it. Then at age 2 she suddenly couldn't do it anymore and I remember both she and I were shocked and scared. That is when I called the pediatrician and the autism journey really began.

So did I answer this question OK? Is there a positive side to autism? I think my final answer is, yes. But I do reach for it, and I do hold on to it...cling on to it. What I DO know is that I have an incredible child who happens to have autism. That, my friends, I am certain about.

Hello Again

2009-06-21T03:51:00.003-04:00

I haven't posted in ages for a few reasons
1. I am in baby world and loving it
2. I am working hard on building up my business in town so I don't have to travel to film the weddings
3. AJ is doing really well and I haven't had much to report
4. I started a blog for my business and have been spending time on that

So, for an update. Emmy is all roly poly cherubby tubby little thing. But it is all from breast milk, not Cheetoes. She is happy and calm and sweet, not fussy. Although over the past couple of days she has started teething and being a bit grumpy. When I realized I had an easy baby on my hands and not much money, I decided to really get the business going and to get it going here in town so I don't have to be away from Emmy for long. So nursing is going well. After I took Diflucan for a couple of weeks everything got better and it was smooth sailing from the on (despite 2 mastitas bouts that I kicked without antibiotics).

AJ is in summer camp now and has made a friend...another little girl who is on the spectrum. I saw her the other morning when I dropped AJ off and was a bit surprised that her hair wasn't brushed at all in a way that looked a bit neglectful and her outfit was like she had found it at the bottom of the dirty clothes hamper. But this camp is expensive so there isn't poverty involved. I almost said something to AJ's teacher but then decided that a kid could look that that sometimes over the summer and I perhaps next time I see her she will be a bit more groomed. But then I saw her again and it was even worse. I thought, well, maybe they take hippie to new levels? I don't know, but this is AJ's new great friend. She has a twin brother who is also in the summer camp with them. AJ wants me to invite her over and I will, but as usual this is very nerve wracking for me as I have no idea what the reaction will be from her family. I will post about it after I send the note/invite.

We are going on a beach vacation next week. This is our first real vacation that will last for a whole week. DH's family is renting a beach house and we are going to drive up and meet them there. The kids are so friggin excited. I think it might be a bit of a challenge with a baby on the beach, but I am going to get one of those beach tents from OneStepAhead.com

OK, I'm finally tired.
goodnight,
me

Late Sunday Night Post

2009-06-01T00:19:00.009-04:00

AJ's doing really well. Some days she is still a bit foggy, but I have noticed that lack of sleep seems to be a huge reason for fog. It is like everything just affects her more than typical kids. But she is talking up a storm and I LOVE getting to see what is inside of her head. It is pretty amazing. She is trying to make jokes these days and has about 90% misses because of saying inappropriate things then laughing, for example: "I'm going to eat Emmy!" so, slightly disturbing and not really funny. But sometimes she gets a winner, for example, she and I and Emmy are all not having dairy so AJ likes to say that the girls are allergic to dairy. Then she heard me say in the car that Owen is allergic to cats and DH chipped in and said he was allergic to cats. So AJ said, "The no-dairy's are not allergic to cats."

Our summer break started last week and the kids have been making lots of artwork. They have been making books...drawing lots of pictures then dictating the story to me while i write type it on the computer and print it out so they can paste the words in their books and read them to me. It is great for getting them to learn to read new words because they love reading the books that they created. The artwork is wonderful too.

I'm just really happy and satisfied with my life right now. Of course there could be improvements. I wish I were more caught up on my wedding video editing that is alarmingly behind. But AJ's aid, let's call her C, is going to start babysitting the kids this summer and so I will get some work done. I am going to pay her $100 a week but it will be worth it to catch up on my work. It feels good to have a plan to fix this problem. I have the house clean now, the laundry caught up and everyone is asleep (and not sick). So I feel pretty good right now.

(Read the following only if you are not squeamish about death.)
It has been a strange time though in a way. I feel almost an urgancy to enjoy my life because I have been so alarmed by death. It was my sister's birthday last weekend. She would have been 39. Our family and my parents went out to her and the baby's grave (they were buried together) it says, "Eternally in our hearts, eternally in mommy's arms." I chose that wording actually. I chose the wording for my sisters side of the stone too. She would be glad about that I think. So even though her death it is getting to be a bit more normal, it is still more shocking than anything else. I don't think that will ever go away, which is OK. I didn't bring her flowers but my mom did. She brought her white lilly's which were in her wedding bouquet, and mine too. I stood there by myself and talked to her for a while. I was annoyed when anyone came up and interrupted me. I just wanted to talk to her privately then say goodbye and leave...which I did eventually. My shrink from a while back told me that there is more energy at graveyards than in other places and this is somehow scientifically documented. I think this is one of the reasons I want to go there, because of what he said. Otherwise I would think that it wouldn't matter because she is with me wherever I go anyway and I don't need to go there...when she is here right? I dunno.

Then, my friend's mom died of cancer two weeks ago. I held her mom's hand and told her I would take care of her daughter, an hour before she passed. I only was in there for about 2 minutes and was shocked by what she looked like. only a few weeks before that she had looked great. Here her face had nothing between the skin and the skeleton it seemed. Her eyes seemed to be popping out. It was shocking and I thought that no one should have to ever be in that position. I thought about how labor and having a baby even by C-section, is so difficult and intense. It is like a right of passage and I think that the life that is born takes so much out of us, the pain is shocking and dreadful. BUT the light at the end of the tunnel is that we have a beautiful baby to hold in our arms. There is a miracle in the room afterwards. So when I looked at my friend's mom, at the shocking and dreadful time she was going through, I realized that I had previously thought that labor was the worst pain and right of passage I would have to go through in my life, besides the ocean of grief I have also had to wade through. But now, seeing her, I realized that there in more in store. I realized that dying is terrible and it scared me. But I can't help but wonder...we get such a miracle at the end of giving birth, that perhaps..just perhaps...there is a miracle waiting for us at the end of dying? Probably not. BUT, my other friend who works for hospice told me that people who are minutes from dying talk to people in the room that she can't see and it give her goose bumps. I liked that. She is a trustworthy person and doesn't make shit up.

Finally, I think of a quote, "Life is the good part between tragedy." That is where I am at right now. I am so glad to be alive and I am working on keeping thoughts and feelings like this at bay and in perspective so that they are something I write about at night and not something that bothers me during my daily life routines and playing with my kids. Instead it gives me permission to be happy with what I have now, that it is enough..more than enough. And this makes the fact that I don't know when I am going to die, a little less relevant.
me.

funny stuff

2009-05-03T01:23:00.001-04:00

Yesterday AJ and Owen were being very quiet and when DH and I looked for them on the couch, Owen had some tape and was wrapping it all over AJ's head, all in her hair and across her forehead and they were both laughing. They had the Macbook on the couch with them and DH saw that they had been using the Macbook to take pictures of their escapade using the Photo Booth app. They also used one of the weird effects that they have in photo booth. We thought that was hilarious. Luckily it wasn't too hard for AJ to get all the tape out of her hair and off her skin. I liked that they did something together, even if it was a bit naughty. Check out some of the pics...

L thoughts

2009-05-03T01:00:00.008-04:00

Tonight I thought about after my older sister's accident, we will call her L, my younger sister, Claire was crying in her room at my mom's house. Let me clarify. This was only a few days after L's accident and Claire had flown from Israel with her husband...boyfriend at the time. I was there with DH and the kids were there and my parents. They have a big house (that they are still trying to sell now that they live up here.)

So it was morning and I heard Claire crying so I opened her door and went inside. Her husband was on the bed too but I just went right over to her and held her while she cried. She said she had a dream and I made her tell me the dream. She said she dreamed we were at the baby shower, it was one that we had just been to a few days ago for our good friend. But in the dream, L was there and she had a bandage on her stomach and that she knew she was going to die in a few days.

Then Claire told me that she woke up and the dream was true. That L was really gone and it wasn't just a dream. I told her that no that wasn't how it happened so her dream wasn't true. I said as I held her while she sobbed, that L didn't know she was going to die and that she was happy and that she didn't know at all and that one minute she was there and the next she was gone. I said that it was very different. I think I made her feel a tiny bit better but we were both kind of freaking out. It was terrible.

I keep waiting for L to come back. I keep waiting for all of this to not be real. Even after almost 2 years it doesn't seem real. It doesn't seem possible that she would be gone and the rest of us, my parents, me and Clair, to still be here. That just isn't how it was supposed to be. I still can't wrap my head around it. It helps that Emmy's middle name is after L. It somehow softens it all a little which is a bit strange but I think it even helps my parents. And when people send gifts for her they include her middle name on the card. No one ever did that for AJ and Owen.

Emmy is doing wonderfully well.

My Book

2009-04-24T23:20:00.003-04:00

Emmy is sleeping...all wrapped up like a papoose here on the bed. I didn't swaddle the first two...oh how I missed out on a wonderful calming tool. She has been going to bed at 10:00pm and waking up at 3:00am to eat, then again at around 6am. This is a good schedule. I hope she keeps it up. Her fussy period is for a couple of hours at night before bedtime and is contained by DH and I taking turns with her and me nursing her quite often. With both of us working to keep her comfortable, the crying is minimal and that is kind of amazing. She cries in the car. Owen calls it the "waaa song." It is uncomfortable but I am not too bothered by her crying in the car since there is nothing I can do about it. If I have learned anything in the past couple of years it is to tune out things I have no control over. It makes life easier.

I have been writing a book. I haven't added to it since before we moved to this house. I put some of the problems I was going through, in the book, as the character's problems. When I read it last night for the first time in months, I was kind of shocked at how bad my anxiety was and how DH and I were going through a bad patch. We do much better together now on a team, parenting a little one. We are so proud of the little beautiful person we created together that how can we be angry with each other?

Before I got pregnant I was starting to get antsy and wanted to connect with him somehow, either by writing music together again or him helping me with the business again. But he was instead spending more time with his other band and pulling away from helping me with the business. So I was feeling kind of alienated. But we were also living with my parents at that time and that is pretty bad for our relationship. That was when they had just moved here and were living with us for a few months.

I guess I kind of worry that when Emmy gets older that DH and I will drift apart again. But I also suppose that every couple has bad patches and I know that we will fight for our relationship. I was also grieving very badly at that point, an DH seemed to be acting like I was supposed to be getting better, not tanking. When I found out I was pregnant, DH was suddenly way nicer to me. I suppose we suddenly had that connection that was missing and that I was craving. Then when we moved to this house it was like a weight lifted and we were both happy again.

So the book is over 40 pages long. It is pretty good actually. It needs a lot of work too but it was interesting which is a good thing I think :) I just need to figure out how to spin it into a plot a bit more and make something happen and then be resolved. I'll have to think about that.

We had a good night tonight. The kids went to bed OK and last night they went to bed well also. I have been bribing them...saying that if they go to bed well they can have chocolate the next day. Today they got chocolate and so at bed time they wanted to be good again. I was also in a good mood which I know sets the whole positive tone of the routine and makes things much easier.

I ordered some more b12 today so I will give AJ a shot tomorrow.

We are filming a wedding tomorrow. I have to be away from Emmy for hours while my mom watches her and the other two. The wedding is near my house so I will be able to nip home to feed her while DH films. But I also have some bottles saved up and I will bring the pump with me to the wedding. Goodness knows where I will go to pump in a church. I just hate being away from Emmy for any amount of time. She is 6 weeks old today. I don't know how people can bare going back to work at 6 weeks and putting their babies in day care. I know many people just don't have the choice and I feel beyond lucky that I do.

me.

Kinda weird

2009-04-22T23:59:00.004-04:00

Last week when I was having a morning sleep-in, I had a vivid dream that a government company was laying huge pipes in our streets and came in our yard and even had to come in our house to do it. When I woke up I heard big trucks drive up outside the front of my house. I looked out of my bedroom window and was stunned to see 2 enormous trucks with a huge pipe on the back of one. I realized later when I went outside that it was not a pipe, but a telephone pole...and the work they did was 2 houses down, putting up a new telephone pole. So it wasn't exactly like my dream. But then today we got a notice from the electric/water company, a leaflet left on the gate to the front picket fence, that they would be working on our street tomorrow and possibly have to come in our yard. I just think that is very odd. They said the electric would be out all afternoon.

We went and got pizza for dinner tonight...we let AJ cheat and I cheated too...hopefully Emmy won't have green poop. The result for AJ was a huge melt down at bed time. I suppose that could have happened anyway, but I found out today that the pizza crust is made of millet and flax, which seems to make her crazy...never mind all that cheese too. I think that we are done cheating. I always say that and always end up cheating. Her behavior was horrible tonight:

1. She dumped her sippy cup of water on rug because she was angry it wasn't rice milk (we said only water since she had already brushed her teeth).

2. When I put her in time out she was trying to hit me and succeeded a few times.

3. I sat on the floor with her in time-out to restrain her and then when she said she would stop hitting we just sat there. I was so angry but when I am being challenged like that I pretend I am on TV, on super nanny and I have to act perfect for the cameras. This helps me do the right thing when I want to give her a good hard smack on the butt, but know I shouldn't. Super Nanny wouldn't like that, and neither would I after the fact.

4. I got her some paper towels and she wiped up the water quite happily, almost proud of the mess she had made. It was both frustrating and a relief that she enjoyed it.

5. Back in bed she wanted me to lie down with her and I said I didn't want to lie down with her because she hit me and I don't want to lie down with someone who hits me.

6. She said, "Oh I'm sorry". She learned about "sorry" in social skills a couple of weeks ago.

7. I told her that words don't fix it. Only actions...and being good and lying down for 15 minutes quietly with her head on her pillow will show me she is truly sorry and that will fix it.

8. She did this and I ended up going in 15 minutes later and lying down with her and talking to her for a little while. I asked her what we could do to make her go to bed at night without hitting or having bad behavior. She said, "I don't know."
I don't know either.

I feel like such a failure when this stuff happens. I know it will help to have a clean house so I will try to work on that. Right now is it after midnight and I am waiting for a DVD to burn. It will take hours. I have most of them burned and printed up and I will send them out to the bride on Friday. I had to turn down work today from a company who wanted me to make them an instructional video. I told them I couldn't help until August and they didn't want to wait that long of course. I am just so behind on my weddings, I couldn't make the brides wait even longer while I took up a new project. But I hate turning down work too. Its not like we have money or anything.

Tomorrow is a new day.

OK, I'm off to clean.
me.

Good Morning

2009-04-16T12:57:00.004-04:00

I have got the sweetest, prettiest, most laid back baby and I attribute it to a few things. The first is because I am exclusively breast feeding and although it hurt at first and although the thrush thing has been a struggle, it is worth it to not have to listen to her cry after a bottle and not know what to do next, to always have food with me where ever we go and to have that closeness with her. I am not worried about her food because she is growing and pudging up really well.

This morning we slept in until 1 in the afternoon (right now). Jeff dropped the kids off at school this morning and is picking up Owen this afternoon. I was up this morning actually, getting the kids ready for school. But the rest of the morning I slept cuddling with Emmy and feeding her every few hours. She didn't even spit up because I held her upright on my chest for 20 minutes after each feeding. Then she was fine and didn't even have any cramping. This is a very different experience for me!! And this morning she gave me the best smile. I thought I would melt. Yesterday, a mom at AJ's therapy waiting room saw me nursing Emmy in the car and came over to say hi. She told me that when babies smile at this point, it is because the angel who looked after them in the belly are coming to visit them and check on them now, and it makes them smile.

I worry that our mornings are too decadent. I shouldn't be allowed to spend this much amazing quality time with my baby. But I am just going to soak it in while it lasts and enjoy every single tiny second of it. This is what life is all about right here and for some reason, I don't have to rush by it right now.

Emmy is allergic to dairy too

2009-04-16T01:39:00.002-04:00

So I don't know if I mentioned this before but I am not eating anything with casein in it because I wanted to cut down the chances of Emmy getting bad colic while nursing. It seems to be working. She is a fairly easy baby unlike my previous 2 difficult little ones. She still has reflux and chokes sometimes, but I so know what to do, that it all feels pretty normal. She doesn't freak out crying for hours every night either. What I do to help her with reflux and stomach cramps seems to calm her and we are both happy.

I cheated:
After my mamagram the other day, Jeff and I got lunch at a local restaurant that I like because it it posh, well priced and all organic and localy grown food. I totally cheated and ate lots of dairy, including cheese and a creamy artichoke dip that was so yummy. Right after that meal, Emmy nursed and her next poop was flourescent green. Today it was finally back yellow again and I think that is so weird that it took a whole week to get back to normal. I know that not getting enough hind milk will turn poop green. But Emmy gets tons of hind milk. In fact, if there were milk behind hind milk she would get that too with how much she treats my boob as pacifiers. We are also dealing with yeast and I have to put All Purpose Nipple Cream on like, every day. That probably isn't good for her stomach either.

I told DH tonight that I am so attached to Emmy that it is like still being pregnant, except louder since she cries at her fussy time...which is only for like an hour at night after I get tired of cluster feeding her and let her cry for a bit while I hold her or while DH holds her.

OK, I'm tired
Goodnight,
me.

2009-04-13T00:39:00.002-04:00

I have been looking for a Hello Kitty lunch box for AJ since she has been asking me for one and it is quite unusual for her to ask for specific things...so when she does, I enjoy indulging and getting it for her. Something as small as a Hello Kitty lunch box is quite easy, but I hear there are lead in lunch boxes sometimes so I checked it out on http://www.goodguide.com/products/211185-hello-kitty-lunch-box

It said that it has lead and PVC in it and rated it one of the most toxic things you can buy.

Emmy calls...
me.

Not Cancer

2009-04-10T15:35:00.006-04:00

I do not have breast cancer. That is one less strike against me in the possibilities of death before my children are raised.

OK, enough with the dramatics and I have to say that the best part of the mamagram this morning was that the mamographer controls the squoosher with a pedal, it doesn't just come down on its own and gauge the pressure automatically like an automatic bloodpressure cup does. I was so scared that the machine was just going to come down on its own and clamp my breast until it was so horribly squeezed. The mamographer was in control of the squoosher with a pedal and yes, my boob was flattened like a pancake, but I had a human in control of it so I could ask her to change it if it ended up being excurtiating...which is wasn't. In fact after nursing Emmy and then pumping and pumping and pumping, it really wasn't half as bad as I thought it was going to be.

The Doctor came into the room finally (no men were allowed past the waiting room...weird) so it was just me. The Dr. put my boob pics up and showed me that they looked fine. I just saw a bunch of white swirly lines in what looked like an outline of my breasts and didn't really know what she was talking about, but glad she said they looked fine. She then did an ultrasound on the lump in question and said that since it was white and not black it showed that it was just breast tissue and not "trouble."
Then she said, "What do you think it is?"

That surprised me. She seemed to really want to know. I said that I guessed it was breast tissue like she said, because it wasn't a plugged duct because it didn't change when I nursed or took a hot shower and it wasn't tender or anything. She said that she didn't know why they were called plugged ducts, because there wasn't milk stuck in there or anything. That confused me, because....yeah, there is milk stuck in there when there is a plugged duct and I started to wonder if she knew what she was talking about. She must have sensed my fear because then she said that I looked totally fine to her and she spotted trouble very well and she had seen over 65,000 patients so she wasn't a newby.

I said OK and she said that I can go to a surgeon too if I want. I sat there, a bit confused. Why did I need to go to a surgeon if I was fine? Then she said, "Why don't we have you come back in 6 weeks and have another look and see if it has changed."
I said, "Do you think it will go away?"
She said, "Well, yes!."

So........we shall see.

In the mean time I feel pretty good that I don't have "trouble" in there. I can go on establishing the routine with Emmy in the house and trying to get things kind of back to normal. No more elephant in the room.

OK, time to change Emmy's diaper.
me.

Fever gets rid of autism...sweet validation and exciting article

2009-04-09T00:07:00.005-04:00

I am so excited about this article and so glad I didn't delete it from my inbox before looking at it. I am going to paste in here for you. I have been saying for years AJ's autism just goes away when she has a fever. During her flu bout a couple of months ago we had a week of conversations, no sensory issues at all (I could have her in bed with me and she didn't drive me nuts with wiggling around constantly) and her behavior was wonderful with no tantrums. She was my typical little girl that week of the flu. Now, FINALLY here is an article about autism and fever, validating what I have been shouting from the roof tops:

New Theory Of Autism Suggests Symptoms Or Disorder May Be Reversible

ScienceDaily (Apr. 2, 2009) — http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/04/090401145312.htm

Scientists at Albert Einstein College of Medicine of Yeshiva University have proposed a sweeping new theory of autism that suggests that the brains of people with autism are structurally normal but dysregulated, meaning symptoms of the disorder might be reversible.

The central tenet of the theory, published in the March issue of Brain Research Reviews, is that autism is a developmental disorder caused by impaired regulation of the locus coeruleus, a bundle of neurons in the brain stem that processes sensory signals from all areas of the body.

The new theory stems from decades of anecdotal observations that some autistic children seem to improve when they have a fever, only to regress when the fever ebbs. A 2007 study in the journal Pediatrics took a more rigorous look at fever and autism, observing autistic children during and after fever episodes and comparing their behavior with autistic children who didn't have fevers. This study documented that autistic children experience behavior changes during fever.

"On a positive note, we are talking about a brain region that is not irrevocably altered. It gives us hope that, with novel therapies, we will eventually be able to help people with autism," says theory co-author Mark F. Mehler, M.D., chairman of neurology and director of the Institute for Brain Disorders and Neural Regeneration at Einstein.

Autism is a complex developmental disability that affects a person's ability to communicate and interact with others. It usually appears during the first three years of life. Autism is called a "spectrum disorder" since it affects individuals differently and to varying degrees. It is estimated that one in every 150 American children has some degree of autism.

Einstein researchers contend that scientific evidence directly points to the locus coeruleus–noradrenergic (LC-NA) system as being involved in autism. "The LC-NA system is the only brain system involved both in producing fever and controlling behavior," says co-author Dominick P. Purpura, M.D., dean emeritus and distinguished professor of neuroscience at Einstein.

The locus coeruleus has widespread connections to brain regions that process sensory information. It secretes most of the brain's noradrenaline, a neurotransmitter that plays a key role in arousal mechanisms, such as the "fight or flight" response. It is also involved in a variety of complex behaviors, such as attentional focusing (the ability to concentrate attention on environmental cues relevant to the task in hand, or to switch attention from one task to another). Poor attentional focusing is a defining characteristic of autism.

"What is unique about the locus coeruleus is that it activates almost all higher-order brain centers that are involved in complex cognitive tasks," says Dr. Mehler.

Drs. Purpura and Mehler hypothesize that in autism, the LC-NA system is dysregulated by the interplay of environment, genetic, and epigenetic factors (chemical substances both within as well as outside the genome that regulate the expression of genes). They believe that stress plays a central role in dysregulation of the LC-NA system, especially in the latter stages of prenatal development when the fetal brain is particularly vulnerable.

As evidence, the researchers point to a 2008 study, published in the Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, that found a higher incidence of autism among children whose mothers had been exposed to hurricanes and tropical storms during pregnancy. Maternal exposure to severe storms at mid-gestation resulted in the highest prevalence of autism.

Drs. Purpura and Mehler believe that, in autistic children, fever stimulates the LC-NA system, temporarily restoring its normal regulatory function. "This could not happen if autism was caused by a lesion or some structural abnormality of the brain," says Dr. Purpura.

"This gives us hope that we will eventually be able to do something for people with autism," he adds.

The researchers do not advocate fever therapy (fever induced by artificial means), which would be an overly broad, and perhaps even dangerous, remedy. Instead, they say, the future of autism treatment probably lies in drugs that selectively target certain types of noradrenergic brain receptors or, more likely, in epigenetic therapies targeting genes of the LC-NA system.

"If the locus coeruleus is impaired in autism, it is probably because tens or hundreds, maybe even thousands, of genes are dysregulated in subtle and complex ways," says Dr. Mehler. "The only way you can reverse this process is with epigenetic therapies, which, we are beginning to learn, have the ability to coordinate very large integrated gene networks."

"The message here is one of hope but also one of caution," Dr. Mehler adds. "You can't take a complex neuropsychiatric disease that has escaped our understanding for 50 years and in one fell swoop have a therapy that is going to reverse it — that's folly. On the other hand, we now have clues to the neurobiology, the genetics, and the epigenetics of autism. To move forward, we need to invest more money in basic science to look at the genome and the epigenome in a more focused way."

Journal reference:

1. Mehler et al. Autism, fever, epigenetics and the locus coeruleus. Brain Research Reviews, 2009; 59 (2): 388 DOI: 10.1016/j.brainresrev.2008.11.001

Adapted from materials provided by Albert Einstein College of Medicine.

2009-04-08T09:57:00.002-04:00

I called the radiologist this morning and they got me in for this Friday morning, just two days from now... and said that I will have a mamagram that morning too. I am feeling pretty cheerful that I got an appt so quickly, although I am not looking forwards to the testing and stuff. I really hope that from the tests that they will be able to tell that there is nothing wrong and it will just go away or just not be a big deal or something.

me.

not just a plugged milk duct

2009-04-07T23:44:00.003-04:00

I went to see my midwife, Lilly, this morning. When I called yesterday and told her about the lump in my breast she said I could come in today if I was worried about it. So I did and when she checked me out she said that I was right and this was not a plugged milk duct but a mass and that I needed to go to a specialist. She referred me to a radiologist who also does ultrasounds and such. After the exam she walked me up to the front desk. She is a big woman and her voice is rather booming. She said loudly to the receptionist and pretty much everyone in the waiting room, "Call to get her an appt. She has a mass in the left breast, she is breastfeeding, see that the Dr. gets her in as soon as she can."

When I walked through the waiting room to leave, with Emmy in her car seat, I felt like everyone was looking at me and I felt like I was in a bad dream.

So now I wait for the phone call for the appt. But I'm not going to wait. I will call the radiologist office tomorrow and set up the appt since I don't have too much faith in front desk operations and procedures. I have a few very good reasons why I can't die of breast cancer and my biggest one is my child with autism. DH said something kind of weird. I know he is terrified and he said, you don't have anything to worry about, I'm the one who has something to worry about...implying that he doesn't want to be left a single father of three kids. It was kind of a joke but a little alarming anyway.

I'm not going to mention anything to my mom or younger sister until I get the all clear or otherwise, because they don't need to do the waiting game with me. I wish I could talk to my older sister about this. If I prayed... I would pray about this.

me.

2009-04-07T01:48:00.002-04:00

I don't think this lump is a plugged duct. I have had many plugged ducts before and they were nothing like this. I am going to go and see my midwife tomorrow and she said she will have a look at it. She said if it isn't a plugged duct we will do an ultrasound and she will set me up with a consult with a surgeon. I just talked to another friend who just went through the same thing...I talked to her about it like, last week. Now it seems to be happening to me. She was fine after her biopsy. I really hope this is nothing and I really hope I don't have to even get a biopsy. I am terrified of surgery. I am more terrified of dying of breast cancer. This sucks. I haven't told my mom or younger sister and I am going to keep it that way.

me.

a bit scary

2009-04-05T14:14:00.002-04:00

So last night I found a lump in my left breast. I had DH check it out and he said, yeah, you need to go to the dr about that. But this morning I mentioned it to my friend who came over, and who's mom has struggled with breast cancer said that she didn't think I needed to worry because it was probably just a plugged duct from nursing. I said that it doesn't feel like one because it isn't sore and it doesn't drain at all and it is at the top, not near the areola. She said that she got all sorts of weird lumps and bumps while she was nursing and that we have milk ducts everywhere. So I will still go to the dr about it tomorrow but I'm not going to worry about it in the meantime.

me.

2009-04-05T00:04:00.003-04:00

So what kind of an autism mom am I? Recently I have been deleting articles in my in-box and avoiding the autism month thing. I have been just completely avoiding autism and kind of pretending like it isn't in our house anymore. I am playing house like I have 3 typical children but I don't and I am wondering if/when I need to change my tune.

One email from the Generation Rescue site was asking for stories of recovered children. As I looked at it I realized that I do not have a recovered child. I have a little girl who is brilliant and who is hurdling the barriers that autism shoves in front of her daily, hourly...by the minute. But she does have autism and it wasn't that long ago that we were dealing with endless reverse pronouns and limited speech...no real conversations. In fact that was at the beginning of this school year. Now she will carry on a conversation and ask questions. She will play well with her brother, even make eye contact and she will approach children on the playground when we go to the park in our neighborhood, and she will end up playing with them. She is not typical. Her conversations are often quite odd, and often repetative, "Mommy how old are you?" I get that multiple times a day even though she knows how old I am but that transitions into endless questions about how old I will be when she is 27...and how old Owen will be when she is 45 and how old Emmy will be when she is 76. This goes on all day and I go through it all with her doing the math in my head like a rusty swing. When she talks to other children she seldom looks at them and her speech is very musical. But she has all sorts of phrases and expressions memorized and she uses them appropriately in a way that makes DH and me smile. She even says, "Oh OK!!" in a huff when we ask her to wash her hands for dinner. This is so great for me because it is so typical, but somehow it is a little more rehearsed sounding than a typical child.

So even though she plays the part of a typical child, she is not recovered, she still has autism and so maybe I shouldn't be playing the part of a mom with a recovered child. I should still be reading the articles. But I think I avoid them because I don't want to delve into more biomed. I wonder if I do more that perhaps I could help her even more. But it is such a huge commitment to do this diet so strictly and it is such a huge expense that I don't want to take it further. I am afraid to drive to where the DAN! doctors are ( OK so not recovered from anxiety disorder completely either I guess) and I don't want to shell out hundreds and hundreds of dollars for the appointments and the testing. I have so little time as it is, and researching and implementing biomed is a huge investment of time. So I play the part as if I am done with autism, but it is not done with us. Thank goodness many of my friends email me stuff because I do actually read those.

We still do the B12 shots and they still give us amazing results. I am very interested in the hyperbaric oxygen treatments but she will be terrified to sit in one of those tanks. I don't want to do that to her, but it might be amazing for her. I could take the articles with me to her pediatrician and ask her to prescribe it as a treatment perhaps. Or maybe I could ask her psychiatrist who diagnosed her (saw her once) to prescribe it as a treatment so our insurance would pay. Maybe it still wouldn't though.

I should be sleeping since Emmy is sleeping. I have a bit of mastitas sp?? or thrush or something, another pain in my butt..or boobs I should say. So nursing hurts. I have some "all purpose nipple cream" to put on but I need to bug Emmy's dr for some stuff to put in her mouth because we are passing the yeast back and forth. But I hope she will just call it in for us because I hate taking Emmy into the germiest place ever, the pediatrician's office. Fun stuff eh?

Bye for now,

me.

2009-04-03T00:44:00.003-04:00

I am so absurdly behind in my work that I am going to have angry brides beating down my door pretty soon.

Today I baked cookies. I haven't made anything from scratch in years, but when I looked at this recipe that a dear friend emailed to me, I saw with surprise that it was super duper easy. I had all the ingredients and both me and AJ could eat it because all it was, was almond butter, sugar, an egg and baking soda. I threw it all in a bowl and stirred it up then made little balls and stuck them on a baking sheet. They were done in only 10 minutes and I suddenly had delicious GFCFSF cookies that were actually good for you because of the almond butter.

OK, I'm off to fee Emmy, she's fussing.

me.

update

2009-04-01T22:09:00.003-04:00

My older sister's husband came today and brought belated birthday presents for DH, AJ and Owen. He sat on the couch and looked at Emmy and said that her fingers were so small. I knew he was thinking about his son and it made us both cry. His mom was with him but she stayed in the car and didn't come inside to see me. I was so relieved. I haven't seen her since the funeral and I know that I would remind her so much of my sister it would have been too much for her, especially with a newborn in my arms. It would have been too much for me too. I would have just cried the whole time I think.

It was nice to see him anyway but so so hard. It doesn't seem to get any easier. He is just struggling without her. He said he never knew what nervous breakdowns were before but now he is dealing with them, although they are starting to get better. We talked about how we try and stay in a world where she is still there in a way. We can't think about the tragedy. We live kind of how we lived when she was in our lives, only well, she isn't, but we can't face that or something. We don't let ourselves think about that too much. I think of her all the time but I can't face that she isn't accessible. I can't imagine that so I just sort of block that part out. I picked up my cell phone a few days ago and spoke to her on it. I know that is weird and I didn't expect her to talk back and I didn't dial any numbers or anything. It is just how I used to talk to her every day, sometimes more than once a day so it seemed like the best way to somehow reach her with what I wanted to say. I don't even remember what I said...something about how hard it is without her but how she is still with me every day. I gave Emmy her middle name to honor her.

Well, Emmy wants to nurse again. I have her in a sling here. I can't believe she sat here without fussing at me for 15 minutes so I could write this post.

Bye for now (things are still going well)

me.

2009-03-25T22:43:00.002-04:00

Well it has been 12 days and I have been able to nurse without supplementing so far. This is huge for me...huge. It isn't easy but I do like that I am not living with my parents this time around so I don't have to fee weird in front of my dad if I'm leaking milk all over my shirt or something. I'm not stuck in my room with the door shut when I want privacy from my parents. She is such a good little thing and so so dang cute. AJ and Owen are still taking it well and it is all still very new. Well, she is crying now. I'm off to feed her.

Happiness Prevails

2009-03-21T00:18:00.005-04:00

Emmy had her first dr appt today. She said that Emmy was "perfect." I figure that if you are going to be perfect at any time in your life, it is when you are baby and you can't mess things up too much. So she is perfect at looking dang cute, eating, pooping and sleeping. I think I am pretty perfect at the last three too though so it must run in the family.

She was 1 oz more than her birth weight which means she is getting breast milk and after my trauma with AJ not getting enough colustrum and her blood sugar being low because of it and having to suppliment in the hospital, well, it feels good to not be going through that again. I didn't have any milk for AJ because I was taking Zoloft and Zoloft inhibits the let down reflex, kind of like how it inhibits an orgasm too. Your body just is kind of numb from feeling stuff, which is great if you are numb from being anxious about stupid things...but not great if you can't feel natures gifts. Anyway, Zoloft-free for the past year, I have enough milk but am still in major, major pain from the latch but it goes away after a few seconds. I wonder, wonder when that pain will go away. What if it never does. What if months from now I am still wincing in terrible pain every time she latches on? I doubt it but I don't know.

DH is playing video games right now as I type. The kids are sleeping, including Emmy, in her sleep positioner on our bed. I think she is getting used to that being her place to sleep. She lay happily on her floor mat in her bedroom as I sat in there and folded laundry and put them into piles. She lay there for about 10 minutes without crying or anything...just kicking and making noises and cooing and looking at me while cramming her tiny fingers in her mouth. Amazing.

AJ was good today. Emmy slept while I was able to do the night time routine with the other two. They were clearly happy that they had me back for an evening to do that. They even let me wash their hair without too much fuss. Tomorrow morning I am going to go and buy some flowers to give as thank you's to freinds who have been bringing food and gifts to help us this past week. My friend Sally has brought me tons of stuff, like a bathtub she found at a garage sale which is small with a kind of insert that is perfect for sponge-bathing Emmy on the kitchen counter. She has made dinner (chicken rice-pasta salad with nuts and grapes) and hummus and two batches of butternut squash soup...while managing to not stray from our absurdly difficult list of food requirements and no no's. I told her that I don't expect anyone to cook for my family since it is hard to know what to do or how to put anything together with no casein, gluten, soy, MSG, food from cans lined with BPA's, preservatives...and preferably all organic. But she still made us food and so did another friend using rice pasta, ground beef, peppers and pepperoni made a type of goulash, is what DH called it. A mom from Owen's school gave us a bunch of hot pink cloth diapers, a bike trailer and the cutest girl clothes from Gymbore and little fancy boutiques...stuff I could never afford. Usually when you get clothes from friends/acquaintances they have weeded out the best stuff for close friends or to save. But this is the stuff that I remember her baby girl wearing and thinking she had such beautiful clothes. So I kind of feel like I have struck the lottery with this. The amount of generosity and giving and kindness from people over the past week is really baffling and appreciated. So tomorrow I will get the flowers and vases and do some delivery's around town, or well, DH will. I don't really like leaving the house since our nursing sessions are still so close together and still painful at first. I was really nervous about taking her to the dr this morning but it worked out just fine. I even nursed in the room waiting for the dr, which I really didn't want to do in such a germy environment. But it went just fine. My mom was with me which was a comfort. I don't want to drive Emmy anywhere though, I just want to keep her in a bubble...not realistic I know.

Finally, AJ brought her Kindergarten report card home today and got all 1's...all of them, which is like straight A's.

me.

2009-03-19T14:30:00.002-04:00

It has been a week, and what an amazing week. Somehow, so far, I have had the best case scenario dropped into my life. She is the prettiest, most laid back sweet little baby. I have not had to suppliment with formula for the first time ever, although the latching on is still like a burning iron clamp on my nipple. BUT that is getting better and the scabs are healing. I am starting to be more picky about my latch and figure out what I need to do to stop the pain. She likes the sling, which is amazing and she sleeps in it while I type. The wrap around one I looked at on the internet and bought, is working like I had hoped it would. I it amazing to me that what I had imagined might work, to help make life easier, actually did work. So we have not been dealing with bottles or formula or sterilizing or feeling horrible about giving her milk protein. I have been strict about not having casein in my diet and she doesn't seem to have tummy problems. She does spit up when I lie her flat on her back, but that is simply solved by the elevated sleep positioner we have on my bed, which I elevate a litte more with a flat pillow and then I have another pillow where her legs go so she doesn't slide down.

I have learned about swaddling, which I did not do with the other two. When she is fussy and I need an hour to fill up with milk, we swaddle her and DH takes her and she is calm until I am ready to feed her. I am constantly amazed that our strategies and tools are actually working and she seems to be comfortable and happy and full. She does choke a bit on the let down but all my friends say that their babies do/did that. The main difference between her and Owen's drinking is that she stops drinking when the flow gets fast. She waits and then she breathes, then she drinks some more. Owen used to gulp and gulp and gulp and I would find myself saying "breathe, breathe!" Then he would choke on it and cough and sputter and try to breathe. When I would take away his bottle or latch him off to give him a breath he would choke too. So even though Emmy is having a little trouble, it seems to be a normal trouble, not like Owen's intense, weird medical swallowing problem. The funny thing about that is that Owen couldn't get a rythum going with his swallowing and breathing. Now the kid has the most incredible rythum you have ever ever seen in a 4 year old. His rock band drumming skills are so amazing I could get him on Oprah I'm sure if I sent them a video.

I let AJ pick out an outfit for Emmy every morning and she loves doing that. She goes into Emmy's room and looks in the basket where I put all the pink 0-3 clothes and brings something back, very excited to watch me put it on her. Owen's job is to come and tap Emmy's back to help burp her.

So I am so in love with my perfect little girl. I want to protect her with a ferocity that is beyond me. I want to make sure that this new immense joy and huge bubble of love surrounding our whole family, stays and stays. I guess I have no control really, but I want this. This is like nothing I could let myself even imagine. Having her in the house is like having everything lit up with gold sunlight, I'm serious. The flowers outside are more pink, the leaves shine brighter and the blue sky is like a comforting dome over our little house. I'm not saying things are perfect, but when joy has hidden her face for years, it is quite exciting to have her in our life again thanks to Emmy.

they do come out

2009-03-16T22:32:00.003-04:00

I went into labor about 3 and a half hours after writing the previous post. Emmy was born on March 13 at 12:30. She is the most perfect little thing ever...so sweet and laid back and amazing. I am so happy.

me.

When are you having that baby?

2009-03-13T00:02:00.003-04:00

I have been having contractions for the past 3 days now and thought I was in labor 3 different times! In fact, the kids are at my parent's house right now because I thought I was in labor this afternoon and had my mom leave work and come and get them. They are sleeping at my parent's house but I'm not in labor anymore.

I went to see Lilly when the contractions were more intense but dying off again...and she checked me and said that I was pretty much the same, maybe 2 cm dialated instead of 1 but that was a stretch. She said I might be in early labor but probably not.

So now over the past few hours from about 10 pm to a little after midnight I get a contraction about once or twice every half-hour or hour. They don't feel like BX contractions, they feel real but apparently they are getting me nowhere. When Lilly checked me today I though that the baby would be at least a few stations down but no, but no. It is still "way up there."

People in the hallways of the kid's schools are saying "When are you having that baby?"

AJ so wants me to have it soon. She is so excited about it. When I dropped her off this morning all the little girls in her class lined up to hug my belly. They all looked so cute in their dresses because it was picture day. I was thinking about it and even though the waiting is frustrating, I am so lucky to be on the verge of having my 3rd child. He/she is moving around a lot and the kids are happy and I have a lot of support. This afternoon I swept the leaves off the front pathways and thought about the different jobs I've had, and my old apartment in California that was above a fancy restaurant. And I thought about how wonderful it was that here I was sweeping leaves off my very own pathway in my own grassy front yard in 78 degree breezy weather on a street completely pink and white with Azaleas and Dogwoods. I realized it was a very special time.

dancing elixer

2009-03-09T11:54:00.003-04:00

I hope I am bringing this baby into a good place and a good family. We kind of just do a little better than manage right now and I know that a new baby it going to throw that back to just manage. I would like to think that there will be a lot of joy too, but maybe that will be a perk added to the hard work that I know is coming. My friends have advised me to think positive thoughts for the baby, that it can feel the good energy coming from me. I know they are right so I am trying. If I put music on everything gets better. In fact, there we go. I think I'll go clean now to Kylie Minogue :)

p.s. it was no big deal taking the kids to school this morning.

2009-03-07T23:19:00.002-05:00

When I woke up this morning and realized I did not go into labor last night it felt like that movie groundhog day...when Bill Murrey wakes up and everything is exactly the same when it should be different. I don't know how I will get out of bed to take the kids to school on monday. I'm not going into labor tonight. I can just tell. I have had some bx contractions but nothing is really moving along. Today I did have the cleaning bug but it wasn't for the baby's room or the house, it was for our cars so I don't think that counts as valid nesting leading to labor. I cleaned out and vaccumed both mine and DH"s cars, and they were a lot of work since we park outside, kind of in the dirt so it took tons of vaccuuming and wiping down every nook and cranny. DH put some mulch down in the driveways and then down the pathways in the garden so that all my hard work wouldn't be ruined the second we all got into the cars.

DH had his surprise party last night at our friends house and I think he really enjoyed it, in fact I know he did. It is funny that he doesn't say much or even say thank you really. But he did exclaim that he hadn't had a birthday party in years and that he really was surprised. I could tell by how much he was smiling at the party that he had a good time. The kids had fun too. I hope I got some good wife brownie points. I'm pretty sure I did. Like I said, he doesn't say much so I have to just sort of figure. I told him the other day that he is no fun to buy presants for because he doesn't ever say thank you or give hugs or act like he likes anything at all. He seemed a bit surpriesed and I think he logged it in his brain. This stuff makes him sound like kind of an ass, but he isn't. He is just kind of spectrumy in a autism kind of way, meaning that he doesn't have an idea he is doing socially lame things unless you "matter of factly" - not meanly, point things out to him. He might show a little more gratitutde next time he gets a present if he logged that one well enough. When I first met DH he never ever used eye contact with anyone. He barely does now but I told him way back when that you should look at people when you talk to them, and he got better and better over the years we have been together. I noticed last night though actually that he really does avoid contact when he is having small talk conversations with the guys. It is so so weird for me to watch. I find my self smiling at the ground in mild embarrassment. I never say anything these days. He knows about eye contact now. I don't need to come back to that. And I can't help but think it is kind of cute in a way. Also, he still manages to have witty and mildy sarcastic small talk conversations with his friends, even without eye contact. I am terrible at that so I can't help but be a little in awe.

Our whole family is very anxiously awaiting this baby. My dad told me though that he can't get out of work on Monday morning to watch the kids. I wasn't surprised. He is weird about some stuff and I knew he would be weird about this. That is why I have a friend lined up to take care of the kids while my mom and DH help me at the hospital. My dad is too unpredictible and emotionally screwed up these days. Speaking of emotionally screwed up, I refuse to imagine what it will be like to have a baby in the house. I have let myself fleetingly think of it, but I feel like it is bad luck or something and I just have to picture myself getting through labor first. Then when the baby is here I will allow myself to picture it a part of the family and in the different rooms in my house. I think becasue we all experienced my sister' s baby not arriving it is so intensely hard on us that my baby has not arrived yet. We just want it to happen, to know that it can and to get the baby here safe and sound.

I spoke to my sister's husband today. It was his birthday. He said he was just hanging around the house. He didn't try and lean on me today or say how sad he was. We didn't even talk about my sister. I didn't mention being pregnant or anything like that. Our conversation was very removed and distant and kind of polite. I feel a little bad about it. But I am in no shape for an emotional conversation with him.

Most of my friends, if not all, don't really know about the intense behavior problem AJ has. We had another screaming, throwing things, breaking things and hitting-night. I let DH deal with it and he was really good. He just restrained her when she started destroying her room and then when she said she would calm down he let her go. We gave her a melatonin, the first in a couple of weeks I think. She asked for mama and came into my room and said she was sorry and asked me to lie down with her. I said no, I said that when she hits and throws things that I don't want to lie down with her and I will see her in the morning. I want her to understand that when you have that kind of behavior that people don't want to be around you. Maybe tomorrow I will talk about that with her. I will have to think carefully before I speak though because I don't want things to come accross as, I only love you when you are good. I need to figure out how to say it so that it makes sense and it not confusing and I haven't figured that out yet.

She got mad tonight because she wanted to play with her dolls instead of going to bed. I gave her time, lots of time and warnings and choices. Then finally when it was time to stop negotiating and get her to put her dolls away, the scream came. So I took on of the dolls "until tomorow" and she starting hurling the dolls at the wall. That is when DH came in and scouped her up for time out in her room. Thank goodness he did that because I get so angry when she does this. I wish I understood what she was feeling or going through because then I would know how to approach it better. I just can't imagine why she thinks it is OK to completely loose control over minor things and make her night and everyone elses so completely miserable. One thing that DH said to her when she was kicking and hitting him, well, after she had calmed down a bit, was that he didn't feel safe around her when she kicks and hits him and tries to hurt him. He said that it makes him really sad and how would she like it if mommy and daddy tried to hurt her? I think it is interesting that he talks to her like she is an intelligent human being even when she is acting like a complete nut job. I think it is great that he does that and I learn from that.

We talked about it after the kids were asleep and decided to try giving her scenarios before things escalate. For example, at the first scream when she is angry about something, we could present how things could go and what her choices are. She could either, 1. scream and hit and throw thing and be very sad and make mommy and daddy sad too, or 2. she could be a good listener and put her toys away and then come and lie down with mommy for bed time together and we will all be very happy. This might not work. She might just sit there and say no or something , but it used to work at the park when it was time to go and she didn't want to go. DH and I are both going to do it so it will be consistant. We aren't consistant enough in our handling her outbursts because even though it has happened often enough, we are still just completely flabergasted anyway. Our beautiful little girl just turns into a monster and we are caught off guard every time. So that is a peice of a plan put in place. Besides that I guess we will continue our time out option and restraint when she hits or throws things. I don't know if what we are doing is right and I am going to get that "Explosive Child" book.

Finally I want to find a website or something where aspie and autistic kids post and ask them what AJ is feeling and thinking and going through. Maybe they will have some insight and help me understand her better and maybe even have some advice on how to deal with it. I will post if I find any good ideas.

Like I said, I think our family is just kind of in turmoil waiting for this baby to arrive.

me.

2009-03-06T00:14:00.004-05:00

These past couple of days have been really emotional. I have been shocked at what feels like the baby blues, before the baby is born. The house seems a little in turmoil, I think we are all tired of waiting. The kids are having tantrums, I am tired and useless...not wanting to clean or do anything at all besides sleep. It wasn't like this with the other two. I was so excited. Now I have been nervous about the pain of labor. I am worried about going to the hospital full of strangers and I keep thinking that after laboring at home for a while I am not going to want to get out of the tub and put clothes on and go to the hospital at transition. At least the weather is warming up this weekend.

I guess I should be glad since DH's surprise party is tomorrow. I have to make his cake and get stuff for it tomorrow. I hope the kids are better behaved tomorrow. Owen was horrible about leaving the park, which is unusual for him, and AJ freaked out about going to bed and hit and kicked DH when he told her to put her dolls away to go to bed. We had done so well avoiding this. It has been weeks since we have dealt with any hitting or kicking. I guess it is because she wasn't in bed by 7:30 with lights out at 8. We just have to stick to that schedule like crazy or have to deal with the consequences. It worries DH and I though because that type of behavior will be even more difficult with a new born around. He can't seem to put them to bed very well. That stuff doesn't happen when I put the kids to bed. I took a short nap tonight leaving him in charge of bed time. If I can't even have a rest without order going out the window, how am I going to nurse all day? Hopefully my sling will help.

I realized tonight that I am also dealing with grief for my sister. It is just shocking for me to be doing this without her, and to not be comparing notes and to not be talking about her birth experience. She should be telling me I'm nuts to not get the epidural. I wish there were more people to love this baby, like her and her baby. He should have her as an aunt and her boy as his cousin. The holidays should be nuts. But my family is growing without cousins.

I don't think I am complaining about that fact, I just want my sister. Right before labor is such a family time. Everyone is so excited. But with Claire in Israel and my parents also freaking out that my older sister isn't experiencing this, it feels kind of alone. Maybe that is why I was so upset when my midwife said she won't be available this weekend to help. I just feel like the familiar and comforting support system that I had with the other two has ruptured. I know that DH will be amazing and I am so lucky to have my mom in town. But I wish that number 3 here had as much love waiting for it here on the outside of tummy world, as AJ and O did.

I guess I have infinite amounts of love to give though.

I don't think the baby will come tonight because instead of a burst of energy I have been stressed and depressed. I told DH that I think it will be next tuesday.

I just want to hurry up and have this baby though because my sister and her baby didn't make it and I want to give my parents a new grandchild that gets born, an unanswered question answered with joy.

me.

2009-03-04T23:37:00.003-05:00

So I was kinda hoping I would go into labor tonight since this is the last time Lilly will be on call until next week. I'm tired though. I think instead of waiting up I am going to go to bed. I put clean sheets on and took a shower, incase the baby does come tonight. Oh endless endless anticipation and the unknown, well, I have decided to be positive about it.

Yesterday something happened that I have been wanting to happen since AJ's first day of school. Shoot, I'm too tired. I'll blog about it tomorrow.

me.

2009-03-03T00:15:00.002-05:00

The cosleeper was not in storage and my mom thinks we gave it to my sister. I'm not asking her husband for it back. But I have a friend who is going to lend me a rocking cradle that we can put next to our bed for a couple of months. I am sad we won't have our beautiful co-sleeper, it was so handy. But we will be able to move the cradle around and perhaps that will be nice. I don't know as I have never had one before.

I was feeling pretty bad that since DH is a leap year baby, he never gets a good birthday. Last year we had relatives staying and we were grieving terribly and trying to make the kid's birthday a success. So even though he had a birthday, we didn't celebrate it really and he got totally gipped. This year he didn't have a birthday, and on the 28th, he was off filming the wedding all day and also it is AJ's birthday. Then he was a horrible grump on March 1st and all I gave him was a chocolate bar that said happy birthday on it, because we don't have any money this week. I finally asked my parents on sunday night to watch the kids and give us $20 to see a movie (I know that is pitiful). We saw Coraline...his pick. But then it ended up not being in 3D like it was supposed to be because the Jonus Bros movie took up that screen. So once again, he was disappointed. So he had a grumpy birthday.

I was explaining this to my friend, Lisa and she said that we should have a surprise birthday party for him at her house this Friday night. So that is what we are going to do. I don't think this baby is going anywhere so at least the party will be a distraction from the unbearable anticipation. We are going to play Rock Band and we will invite our friends and mostly Lisa's friends because we only have a couple and she has a bunch that we like a whole lot but don't take the time to connect with...even though we should of course.

AJ had a good day. In fact something wonderful happened this evening. I started dancing to a song that DH was playing on the CD player and then AJ started dancing too. She hasn't danced with me since she was a wee little thing, pre autism really. We both danced around and then SHE took MY hands and danced with me. I knew it was really special and I was so so happy.

me.

2009-02-28T23:26:00.002-05:00

We got through the weekend, DH is headed back from filming the wedding. It will take him about 3 hours so I gave my body the go-ahead to go into labor if it wants to. Ha ha, my body will do what it wants...but if it made a smidge of a difference, now we have the birthday party and the wedding behind us. My mom's first PTO day is Monday, so OK, body, lets go. I don't know why mom did that since my due date isn't until Thursday. Talk about pressure.

Wait, I just realized I still need to get the co-sleeper out of storage and the baby car seat put in the car. Great. now I won't go into labor tonight. DH would be very tired too if I did, after driving for 6 hours total today and filming for 8 hours. It would be a bit much for him to be a labor coach after that.

The latest autism vaccine issue/case

2009-02-25T23:25:00.012-05:00

It looks like they dug up an autism vaccine case from 2 years ago that actually won in vaccine court. I think that when a very public case wins, with the premise that the vaccine triggered the autism, then that will be a true victory...not so this "brain damage" win from a couple of years ago. All of the "under the table victories" are confusing and offer no credibility to parents who know that vaccinations contributed to triggering their child's autism. I think the whole brain swelling thing is interesting since AJ's head size soared off the charts during those vaccination years. I used to think that her brain was just growing faster than her head since she was so smart. I wasn't worried.

I think that overlying issue is that the fear of not vaccinating our children and spreading disease is greater than the fear of not telling the truth. It is almost like this is an issue that it is socially acceptable to sweep under the rug "for the greater good."

There are so many things that parents just are not told about when autism or any developmental issue is suddenly rearing its ugly head. A tiny example (not an autism one) is that Owen has been stuttering for more than 6 months now. I haven't thought much about it because he is so smart that he wants to get his words out faster than he can say them. But this past week he has been tripping over his stuttering and it is time to get some speech therapy or take some kind of action I suppose. So I called his pediatrician and instead of referring him to the free state program who will evaluate him for free, she referred him to AJ's expensive therapy place where our insurance would not cover a $400-$800 evaluation.

I told her that we were going to do the state program and she replied that contacting them is my responsibility and gave me the phone number, which I was fine with. Imagine though if I hadn't known about the state program and I would have simply followed this path of shelling out hundreds of dollars when I didn't need to. I didn't think about it at the time but these small oversights by the people we look to for help, are precisely what get new autism parents confused. It is like they are told to go left when they should have gone right. To add to that the foggy vaccine issue is just so overwhelming. We want to be on our pediatrician's side, believing the "strong proven evidence that vaccinations have nothing to do with autism" and feel good to be with our trusted doctor on the side of science. Then we watch our children regress after each shot and suddenly have to change teams to the side that is all but ridiculed by the press and general public (hence that awful episode of Private Practice). Then new autism parents hear about this GFCF diet and are like, "Oh my God."

So I am glad that I feel like I finally have my black belt in what to do if your kids needs some help. So why is it so hard to help those new parents who are grasping for information and for this to all make sense? The endless conflicts in autism and developmental delay information is detrimental to the important early intervention that our kids need. Sifting through the different advice is a full time job. Making decisions for your child based on your own findings is terrifying. In 10 years I hope it will be a much more simple, straight forward process. For now, I will blog about it and be one of those small papers in a sea of conflicting information. But at least I speak the truth from my heart and have nothing to gain otherwise. But shoot, isn't that what all autism parents do?

Today

2009-02-24T23:36:00.003-05:00

Things have been fairly smooth in the household. I am still trying to keep a handle on messes and food preparation and just all the basics while overnighting photo montages (another one today) and trying to get videos finished when the kids are at school and in bed...between glorious naps. Now when I get up to go to the toilet my back can barely bare the weight of my incredible stomach.

This morning I went to see my midwife, Lilly and she said that I was half effaced and a couple centimeters and could easily go another couple of weeks. So to try and make myself feel better I went to the second hand maternity shop to try and get something to tie me over since I am wearing the same two outfits every day...the only two that fit over my belly. I did this after picking up the kids from school and it was a nightmare trying to get them to stay in my sight while trying on clothes in the temporary dressing room then moving to the soon-to-be-new dressing room to look in a mirror. I got pretty depressed at how ridiculous everything looked. Even XL's didn't fit over my belly all the way. The kids were very upset about having to be in the dressing room with me and AJ couldn't keep her hands off my bare belly which was very annoying to me at that time.

I finally ended up buying a new maternity outfit that they cleverly put near all the used stuff. And it was $60, clearly not what I had planned to spend on two shirts and a pair of pants. I wanted to spend $20. But the pants are gloriously comfy and the shirt looks nice. It is black so I don't look quite so moo moo.

Then we went to the park and I sat on a blanket with my friends who met me there while the kids all played. We agreed at the park that this was our favorite thing to do...to sit on a blanket in the sun and chill out while the kids had fun. I feel very lucky to be able to do that. Then when we came home it looked like a bomb had hit the place and I suddenly realized that I was giving up a tidy house for a blanket in the park. The kids needed dinner. The phone rang, it was Tina and she said that she heard that I spend over $1000 month on groceries and that was outrageous and she wanted to help me. She told me that I need to do organic co ops and such. But I was just kind of like, I know it is crazy, but right now we finally know what to buy to keep AJ healthy and happy and out of the fog. We also know what both kids will eat, and it costs us over $1000 a month to do this and keep our sanity. I just don't have the time to make black bean burgers from dried beans, I just don't. In fact the Eden brand black beans are the only cans we buy since they are apparently the only cans that are not line with BPA's. After talking to Tina and feeling like a big fat failure of a mom for not being more efficient in the kitchen, I made some extra black bean burgers for AJ's lunches. I put some in the freezer and felt good that I have an extra protein to pull out of there that isn't a hot dog. Yesterday I made baked meatballs and the kids loved them with their pasta and sauce. But buying meat without hormones in it is very expensive and not something I am going to give up. I have to serve meat since AJ can't have dairy or soy and only like's beans disguised as burgers. We never go on vacation, we rarely buy things at all. We choose to spend our money on healthy food.

Tina did inspire me though to try and find an organic co op around here. There has to be one in this college town. She is like the master of organization, money management and keeps a tight organized and clean ship. She is wonderful to learn from. But I will never be as self disciplined which I think is OK. She does inspire me and I feel like if I ever get up the time, money or inclination to do stuff I want to do, like grow my own blueberry plants and such, then I know I just need to give her a call and she will have the answers in a second.

The baby isn't moving as much now that it is squooshed so tightly in there. I am going to go and have a big glass of ice water with lemon in it to try and get this little one wiggling a bit since I need to do my movement counts and it makes me nervous when it seems a bit quiet in there.

me.

still pregnant

2009-02-22T21:24:00.003-05:00

Today was remarkable. I'm trying to think of why. I am just enjoying this happiness that I feel like my pregnancy has brought me, like an unexpected gift in every form. My clinical anxiety has been almost none-existent after the first trimester and the aches and pains have been minimal.

This morning after my shower brunch I stopped eating diary. So now I will be able to nurse with no dairy in my milk that might cause colic or stomach problems. My mom made me some bread with no dairy in it. It is yummy and organic and fresh too. I had a turkey and tomato sandwich with mustard instead of mayo, and I put some olive oil on it too since I hate dry sandwiches but oh it was not the same without that Helmens Real Mayo. Oh, I'm cutting out soy too and Helmens has soybean oil in it.

The happiness of expecting has been soaking in. I fearfully realize though that it might come crashing down if the baby is born with Downs or anything else that is difficult to deal with as a family. This might be my last few days/weeks of blissful happiness well, ever. I know that sounds nuts and I know it is not likely. But whatever. I will deal with whatever comes my way and make the very best of it. I will love and care for my child no matter what...no matter what.

AJ has had a wonderful weekend. She talked up a storm both days and was excited to talk about her birthday party to her Grandad today who bought us a new washer and dryer. We put them in the shed that now has electricity and water hooked up thanks to DH and my dad. They just have to put outlets in and we can plug em in and not have to go to my parent's house to do laundry anymore. I can't wait to be able to wash towels more often.

A friend gave me a bunch of glass baby bottles and has also offered to give me her cloth diapers. Now that we have a washing machine I can do cloth. She said they are hot pink though, so if it is a boy he will look kind of funny. I will just have to keep those onzies snapped I guess. It is nice of her to pass those on to me because they are too expensive for me to buy.

Bye for now,

me.

The party

2009-02-22T05:40:00.006-05:00

It is 5am and I'm up feeling uncomfortable. I am in waddling mode now. I can't walk around without looking like I am in pain. I deliberately pick up my feet so they don't shuffle. My back only hurts for a few seconds though when I get out of bed to go to the bathroom.

Tomorrow we are having a brunch for me...kind of like a shower, but not a shower since I don't do real baby showers. Maybe I will someday but I'm still like, there is no way I am going to sit through a traditional one when My sister's came and went that I was supposed to give for her. She would have found that annoying, that I would skip friend's baby shower's because I couldn't have hers. She hated drama and being emotional in ways that are not logical. She would tell me to get over it and go to the damn baby shower. But...I haven't had to worry about it for a while and mine tomorrow is just going to be breakfast and friends and a few gifts, which will be nice. My friends came up from out of town for this and for the kids party so I feel really lucky.

The party went well. There were 28 kids there which was kind of nuts. When I looked at them all in the kids huge indoor play area made of tubes you run through and climb with ropes and slides and mats and all that kind of stuff, I was so glad we were there and I wasn't trying to entertain them all at my parent's house (my house would be too small.) There were 3 instructors and they rounded up the kids and took them back to a large gym area. Here they did relay races and an enormous parachute. Then they went to another huge gym area with a trampoline built into the floor. They did an obsticle course and swang on a trapeze really high then they would land in the foam pit. There were low beams to walk across and little set up tubes to crawl through. The kids had a blast. They really needed all 3 of those instructors though because it was mayhem.

Then it was time for pizza. The kids barely all squeezed around the huge table and I just had enough pizza for them all and the parents. AJ got gluten free pizza from a local amazing pizza restaurant that our friend's own. We let her have cheese as a one time special thing. My mom made her a gfcfsf cake though that had the same color icing as her Hello Kitty cake. So when the helpers swooped in with the cake (while the kids were eating their pizza). AJ and Owen blew out the candles and then they started to serve the cake before some of the kids were even done. I followed the helpers around with a big bowl of fruit salad that DH had made and put it on their plates with their cake. So they got to eat a little more. I gave some to parents too and felt a little better about the food situation since we really could have used one more large pizza. I had chips and guac there too which was dabbled in.

So that was the end of the party. I paid my $400 without gagging too badly as I had expected it and also some friend's had heard my moaning about it and brought me some cash as a present since we knew the kids were going to get so much stuff that it would be much nicer to get money towards the party. So the money basically paid for the $40 tip. Gosh, we also paid for the pizza and the cakes which brought the party total up to over $500. We could have had a slammin vacation at Disney for that. Anyway, it was really nice to have friends there and AJ and Owen could not believe how much fun it was. They looked so cute sitting together in this big blow up chair throne at he head of the table, and they were given medals to wear around their necks at the end of the party. They thought that meant that they won the relay races and I didn't tell them differently.

So the gym put the presents in huge black garbage bags for us, 3 of them, and helped us carry them out to the car. When we got back to the house we had a rest before delving into them. DH was really grumpy about it and kept saying how we don't have room for all this stuff and we have to take it back or wrap it up to regift. I told him we could do all that but for now we needed to open the presents and make thank you notes, then take ones away.

It is funny because after the first few presents the kids just wanted to play with some of the stuff they got and not do more an more. AJ actually hung in there a lot better than Owen and would come running to open a new one when I called her name while pulling out a new one from the huge plastic garbage bag. I felt kind of bad too because our friends were there with their kids and had to sit through the debauchery, definition- "Destroy or debase the moral purity of".

I felt kind of weird too since they had more gifts for me for tomorrow. But whatever. It was fine. We got them opened, packed in a huge gift bag and headed out for dinner at a local restarant that serves lots of vegetarian stuff and pasta. We sat outside so the kids could get up when they got antsly, and we were fine in sweaters which was great. The best part was that they had a kids meal with chicken breast, broccoli and sweet potato fries. We got that for AJ and she just had this amazing meal put in front of her. The fries were different and "weird" enough that she didn't just eat them and not the good food. She ate her broccoli first and then the chicken. Autism mom's know how wonderful this is. Actually, any mom does.

So now my friend is sleeping on a blow up mattress in the baby room, my two little ones' are in bed here with me. DH is on the couch because he went out with friend's to see some bands play and came home to find his place taken by his kids. And my friend's kid is sleeping on the crib mattress placed between AJ and Owen's bed, on the floor (only they aren't in there anymore!) Our other friend's are at my parent's house.

When I got up at 5am and went into the kitchen to get a drink of water. I came back to the living room and put a blanket over DH on the couch, then I looked at the huge bags of presents. I wondered if towards the end of month if we were going to be scavaging presents from the bag to take back for grocery money. It is nice to live for a few days as if we have money. But then it runs out. I will finish my photo montage for this next wedding after everyone goes home tomorrow, then bug my next bride for her payment and try and finish her wedding this week...before I go into labor. But, I am having a weird contraction right now...not a bx one. Oh boy.

2009-02-19T23:19:00.005-05:00

DH is at band practice. Their label prospect told them he wants them to re-record the album, which none of the 5 members wants to even dream of doing. So they might have to shop the album around again.

Then today his band found out that a compilation tribute album they were supposed to have a song on with some well known artists, finally came out. They were asked to contribute a cover song to this album two years ago and so DH's band learned, recorded and sent the song. Well, like I said this was 2 years ago and the compilation is finally coming out and was reviewed on Pitchfork. BUT...It turns out that their song was not put on the album, and to rub salt in the wound, a different band is on there who recorded the same song. They were really disappointed and insulted.

So DH said he hasn't mentioned my younger sister's big success story to his band.

I cleaned part of the house today. I cleaned the baby's room so it is spotless, even wiped the baseboards clean, that weren't even really dirty, and mopped with vinegar and mint oil. I cleaned my room too and we need to get the co-sleeper and car seat out of storage asap. I don't think I can wait a whole two weeks for this. I guess this is what nature does to you to make labor a little more bearable. It just makes the alternative seem worse. The baby is posterior. That means possible back labor. Whatever, I'm sure it will be fine.

I'm dreading spending so much on this bday party. But the weekend will be fun with friends coming up.

getting close, maybe, maybe not

2009-02-19T16:20:00.002-05:00

So this morning I was having Braxton Hicks contractions that were pretty intense. I was even wondering if I was in early labor. I had DH take the kids to school and be late to work and felt kind of guilty. But I slept for hours. I went in to see my midwife this afternoon and she said I was 1cm dialated and 60% effaced, which means it could be tonight or two weeks. So it means nothing. I knew that though.

I am watching the Oprah clutter show and I am going to go and get rid of some clutter right now.

me.

2009-02-18T12:37:00.002-05:00

This morning another mom from AJ's school stopped me in the hallway and told me she appreciated the letter. She said she is a child therapist and that she understood a lot about children on the spectrum and what the family's are dealing with. Then she told me I was very accurate about a lot of stuff in my letter, which I couldn't help but think to myself, of course I was accurate. But I am so grateful to be getting these responses from the parents.

I ordered the kids bday cakes today. AJ got a Hello Kitty cake, like she has been asking for since Christmas and she knew her bday was coming up next. I took in a picture of the Rock Band DVD cover for Owen's cake and the baker thought she could recreate it at no extra cost. I hope the kids love their cakes :) After we sing happy birthday I plan on whisking the cakes away to cut them so that when AJ gets her cake on a plate it isn't totally obvious that she is eating something different.

me.

the success is OK

2009-02-17T22:34:00.003-05:00

So I wanted to add that I spoke to DH (who brought me flowers tonight BTW) and he said that my younger sister is a talented song writer, but if it weren't for her husband, the song that was chosen for the retailer's ad campaign would not have been written, and also her husband is a great marketer and if it were not for him the song would not have been heard by anyone, except maybe my sister would have emailed it to me.

So without her husband there is no way the song would have been sold or even known by a huge company. It is only because of his incredible management and marketing skills that it is known by anyone. Not only that, a movie is a great thing to spend the money on and this one door of creativity is enabling them to open up another door of creativity. So that is a much better way of looking at their success.

me.

2009-02-17T20:35:00.004-05:00

So now it is the evening and it has been a little bit of an emotional day. I have been keeping my feelings in check very well this last home stretch of the pregnancy. But today I was a bit weepy.

Something really good happened though...

The mom who I have been asking over and over to get our girls together and who said yes but no plans, (who said I was amazing) called me today. She said that she got the letter about AJ and that she had no idea that AJ had autism and that it was a really great letter. She told me that she had often suggested to her little girl that she get together and play with AJ but her daughter said that AJ just wasn't interested in her. She said that now she knew why. She said that she also wanted to rsvp for the party and that her daughter was coming.

So that made me weepy with relief. It was like a problem solved really. Oh the wonders of communication. I guess this time, in this situation, it was worth the risks of communication.

I spoke on the phone to a friend this afternoon about everything that is going on and that I have been blogging about. She was totally there for me and after I talked to her I felt refreshed and validated and relieved. I realized that out of all the stuff that is weighing on me right now, the thing that was bugging me the most was the completely minor issue of no Valentines present. So when DH called this afternoon I told him that, even though it felt petty and embarrassing to say. He was nice about it. He said he would have to pick the flowers since we are waiting on a few late checks from clients. I said yes, that would be nice. The Azaleas are starting to bloom all over town :)

Something else good happened today. I got a thank you letter from a client about a photo montage I did for her. She completely gushed about it, saying amongst other things that it was "Completely magical and exceeded their every expectation." It was a bit much but definitely made me feel like it was worth the hard work with the of tons of quotes and scrolling text, and the issues of trying to edit photos to music of which the specifically meaningful lyrics were in Greek. The very best part of her note was that she included a check $ that she owed, and that I had expected last week. So tonight after DH got back from his late meeting, he went right out to deposit the check and buy groceries.

So today was a good day...not quite sure why I cried through it.

Me.

2009-02-17T11:20:00.006-05:00

Last night when I was sleeping I thought I heard my older sister call my name out loudly and clearly. I woke up and the baby was wiggling. I was comfy but decided to take it as a sign and moved onto my left side to make sure I wasn't on the cord or something like that. Her husband tried calling me last week, the day before Valentines day. I didn't call him back until the next evening when I thought he might be working, because I knew I wouldn't be able to handle the conversation. I finally talked to him this morning and he told me he was having a hard time last week. I told him about my dream, or whatever it was last night. But I was a bit removed talking about everything and I hope that wasn't hard on him. I just need to get through these next few weeks of having the baby and keeping it healthy or whatever is going to happen. I can help my sister's husband grieve after I make it through these enormous changes.

My younger sister in Tel Aviv called me yesterday and told me that a huge store in Israel, kind of like Israel's equivalent to H&M is offering to pay her band $20,000 to use on of their songs in an ad campaign. My first thought was that they could use that money to move back and put a down payment on an apartment in NY. But she said that her husband isn't getting funding for his movie that he wants to make before they leave Israel and so they are going to use the money for that. It all sounds exciting and whatever, but I can't help but think that her wonderful creative imagination and song writing talents that are going to fund her husband's movie, is kind of bunk. It just seems typical of stuff in my family. We just piss away money. So I say that and his movie might be a success and I will eat my words and feel really guilty for writing this. But I just feel like us three girls sometimes are/were under-appreciated by the men in our life. I can write good songs too, but my husband is more interested in making songs with his guy band. He said that he can't believe that my younger sister's band got that song deal and his band is struggling to get a new record deal after being dropped by Sub Pop. I told him that if he wanted $20,000 for a song he should be playing in my band. He kind of laughed. Oh, and I got nothing for valentines day. Nothing.

This morning when I took AJ to school a mom that was dropping off her son told me thank you for the letter. My eloquent response was, "Oh, I'd forgotten about that." Then I kicked myself for not saying something normal like, "you are welcome, I appreciate your acknowledging it."

Oh well.

I'm exhausted. 2.5 weeks left?

me.

2009-02-16T00:06:00.004-05:00

Tomorrow, even with my new due date, I will be 37 weeks which is considered full term. So if I went into labor they wouldn't give me drugs to stop it. I have a freakish looking belly and I'm a bit self conscious about what I look like. I pretty much look like Mr. Greedy, but my stomach is even more pointing out like a bullet rather than rounded like most pregnant people. Maybe it is because I am only 5'3" and pretty skinny. The baby just lives in the front of my belly and sags it down a bit and points out. When I lie down in bed on my side it is like putting the baby next to me on the bed too because my belly just rests like it is a layer of skin over a baby.

We had another wonderful day with AJ. How many is that now? She is talking and playing and answering and asking questions. Her conversation skills over the past 6 or 7 months have just exploded. She knows how to make sentences now. She knows how to communicate. Of course this is null and void when she is in a fog, but we have had no fog and she has been going to sleep with no melatonin. I have been very strict about our new bedtime routine and it is working. I am just in shock over the success of the past few days. Tomorrow I will be sure to give her the shot and not forget.

My Mom admitted that seeing me now is a reminder of what should have been with my sister...when I confronted her about it/ discussed it with her on the phone. I feel a bit resentful in a weird way that the fact that I am alive and well, most likely going to have this baby and such...that she should get any pain out of that at all. But I know it is life and you can't help how you feel. I will never be her precious oldest daughter, and I don't want to be. I miss her too. But please don't look at me and be sad.

me.

2009-02-13T22:54:00.004-05:00

So a separate post for separate feelings. My sister's husband (the sister who passed) called and left a message today and I didn't call him back yet. I didn't want to deal with his call. I know he is freaking about about Valentines day and that he is looking for comfort and support in me. I will call him tomorrow I think. I would like to go and see her grave mabye this weekend but I don't know. I am very conflicted about having this baby in my tummy for almost full term now. It doesn't seem fair that I will be standing at her grave with everything she ever wanted about to happen to me again while her baby lies next to her. It all seems so terribly wrong and I am in a place where I can't face it right now. I am working really hard to not panic. I am working hard to not panic that I know nothing about this baby because I didn't have a 20 week ultrasound or any tests. I don't even know if it has Downs. It is all so primitive how everything will be a surprise.

So I am riding this wave of happiness that my pregnancy has given me as a gift. I have very little pain, except for when I think things are hard on AJ. I have been standing furthar from grief than I usually am and not feeling guilty about it because I need my head to be in the right place and not wracked with fear, panick or grief. I am worried that if I call her husband tomorrow that it will be too much for me. I can't be his leaning-post tomorrow. He can't lean on me or I might break, but how do I tell him that. He is probably feeling resentful that my path is where his should have been only a year an a half ago.

I thought about my sister today, about how she spoke and about calling her and talking to her on the phone. I wondered how much drama over her son would have happened since he was supposed to have been born as she had a dramatic relationship with her husband that used to drive me nuts (another reason it is hard for me to give up my sanity to comfort him.) I thought about how I would like to be talking to her right now about these last few weeks and comparing notes.

When I think about it I am shocked at how tragic it is over and over and over again. I wonder if I got in an accident if my baby would live because she/he is full term now. I am scared to drive to this wedding because I want to make it to my due date. But we are going to go anyway and I am not going to let fear make the decisions for me.

So...that is what is plaguing me, and other weird fears that I don't feel like writing down. So I try to keep them away, and be healthy and happy and busy. Because what else am I going to do?

me.

2009-02-13T21:59:00.007-05:00

Another good day today. The kids had a lot of fun, starting in the morning. AJ wore her new Valentines dress with hearts all over it. My mom got it for her from Gymborie with even a head band and baretts to match. I secured the headband with the heart barretts so it didn't slip off and it was still in place when I picked her up in the afternoon. Owen also had a new red shirt to wear with guitars on it and we called it his rock-n-roll Valentine shirt. He liked that. AJ's aid called me this afternoon and told me that AJ had a really great day and she did lots of talking and made lots of eye contact. She said that she made sure that at the food party, that AJ only took fruits and meat and veggies and that there was so much of that, that AJ didn't have less on her plate than the other kids. She said she also made a sandwich out of the GFCF bread I sent, and diluted her juice. Wow, it is like having a nanny in class with her! She said that AJ played with a preschooler girl on the playground who was wearing the same dress as she.

When I picked up Owen he was very happy although he has a bit of a cold which is making him tired. I went through his bag and removed all candy except for a few pieces, so he could go through it at home and not know I had taken half of his stuff!

After getting AJ we just came home. We went through her bag of Valentines and I was amazed at how many parents had opted out of candy and did pencils and tiny activity books instead. I only had to take away one little packet of mnm's and AJ gave them to me and I traded them for some cookies my mom had made for her. She was very happy with that. I turned on some music and cleaned the kitchen, then made DH some Toll House cookies for V day tomorrow.

When the the cookies were cooled I took some big ones and put white icing on them in heart shapes and wrote a letter of his name on each heart with tiny chocolate chips. I would have liked to have done this with the kids but they would have begged for the icing at least and I just didn't want them to have any more sugar at all today. Owen typed fake names on the computer while I made the cookies, and called it his party list. AJ played with dolls in her room. Her play was interesting, very different from Monday and Tuesday. Today she had the dolls talking to each other but on Monday and Tuesday she was just lining them up and having them all say their age, one by one. I don't know why she had such autistic behavior on those days, and lots of typical behavior today. My guess is that she had too much sugar in her system, not enough protein...something was triggering sensory dysfunction. I have been strict about the diet (except for the cream cheese icing on yesterday's school cupcake, but the cupcake had no gluten and no soy) doing the Epsom Salts baths and keeping up well with the b12 shots, that she seems to not mind at all these days for some reason. I have been slacking on the probiotics.

The past 3 nights she has been going to sleep well. I started a strict bedtime routine. It is, get in bed at 7:30 and they can play or I can read them books or both. Then at 8:00 (and they have a clock in there to look at and I show them the time) it is lights out an they put their toys and books away. They can have teddy bears. They seem to have become used to this routine after only a few days of it and accept that this is how it is. In fact, tonight Owen called me in there when the clock turned 8:00 so that I could turn out the light. I thought that was pretty interesting. These kids like routine more than I realized. It is easier since they are both in the same room and see each other following the routine. I thought it would be harder with them in the same room but it weirdly seems to have worked well the past few nights. Owen still comes into our bed every night though and last night I was sleeping and didn't hear him get into bed, usually I sent him off to pee first. But not last night, and yes he did pee in my bed. I think he wakes up because he has to go to the bathroom then just comes into our room.

DH was saying that he wants Owen to stop coming into our bed before the baby is born. But I think that I can have the baby in the co sleeper and Owen in bed with us. I will see. If it doesn't work then I will change it, but I want to have as little change as possible at this point and I like having Owen there too. I know it won't last forever. He is not going to want to snuggle with mommy and daddy his whole life. So for now, we will see. Maybe it isn't the best idea since the baby will probably wake him up with crying for feeds. Maybe I will just have DH take Owen back to bed after 5 minutes of hugs, when he is starting to settle back to sleep. We will see. I am really glad that AJ hasn't been coming in our room until the morning. When she is up at night she stays up for hours and keeps me up too. So I am very happy that she is not doing that these days. That phase of hers seems to have passed for now.

I have finally had a few Braxton hicks contractions. It is so weird that I got them all the time with the first two pregnancies and am only starting to get mild ones now with this pregnancy. I kind of wish I could just have the baby now. I know I am not far enough along and I need to be wishing for the due date, no earlier no later. But I am no good with anticipation, the house is clean, it would solve some scheduling issues with work. I don't know. I just want the waiting to stop. But then again....DH and I are planning on going to see a movie tomorrow night while my parents watch the kids. That won't happen for a long time after the baby is born.

Oh! I almost forgot. AJ got her doll tonight for being good the whole rest of the week and not hitting. DH and I went in together to her room and DH gave it to her while I explained that here was the doll we promised on Friday as her reward for no hitting, and for her good behavior. She was so excited, more so than I realized she would be. She came and found me a half hour later and showed me that she had put tiny flower stickers all over the dolls shirt and how pretty it looked! I was excited that she brought something to show me...another typical behavior. Then tonight when she got stroppy about going to bed I told her that if she was a good listener all week again, that she would get another surprise next Friday.

I know it doesn't seem fair that Owen isn't in on this. But he is perfectly happy playing Rock Band whenever I let him (only at night when Daddy gets home.) And I just bribe him with that, or tell him he can't play Rock Band tomorrow if he doesn't clean up his toys. Then he gets a big high five when the cleaning is done. He seems happy with it and I am not completely comfortable with using material things/dolls/toys as bribes. But I needed something for AJ and this seems to be working well for now. I have a feeling that she views this doll as a symbol of her good behavior. She wanted that to be one of her sleep teddy bears tonight. She is very proud of it.

Goodnight for now,

me.

2009-02-12T22:44:00.001-05:00

(Have I written yet that the baby is in the right position now? yay!)

I just finished 26 valentines instead of the wedding video I was supposed to be working on.

The kids are asleep and DH came back from evening soccer practice just long enough to take a shower before he was off to band practice. At least his guilt made him very sweet. He keeps disappearing saying he won't be able to after the baby is born. It is kind of annoying, but tonight I don't mind. He would just be playing video games anyway which is annoying. OK, so even though it sounds like it I am not mad at him. I am just happy right now. I am happy that AJ had a wonderful day at school (I talked to her aid on the phone and got the scoop.) That automatically puts me in a good mood. And I only have about 3 weeks left of being preggers for the last time. I am so antsy but I just keeping telling myself to enjoy the last pregnancy. I am happy that AJ has the prettiest dress from Gymborie to wear tomorrow that my mom got her with Gymbucks. It has hearts all over it and AJ has been so excited to wear it to school. She has tried to put it on every morning but I keep telling her to wait until Friday. She also gets her doll for not hitting for the rest of the week. I got the doll from Owen's preschool because they have a share shelf where you can bring old toys you don't want and take other toys that you like that are on the shelf. So I can get AJ and Owen some reward toys from the table and get rid of stuff they don't play with anymore, its great!

Tomorrow they are having a food party at school, which is why I called her aid, who promised to be there during the party so she could closely monitor AJ and make sure she doesn't eat a bunch of food that she shouldn't have. Her aid is great, I really like her and I really like how much she likes AJ.

I took the letter in this morning and it went home with the kids tonight. I wonder if I will hear anything back from it tomorrow or next week. hmmm.

I am going to have a huge glass of water then go to bed.

Goodnight,

2009-02-11T21:55:00.000-05:00

Well here is the happier post I promised. AJ had a much better day today and was an angel. I don't know if it is because over the past few days I have kept sugar out of her diet and been strict with the GFCFSF and got her back on schedule with her b12. Or because she had a very hard time adjusting to going back to school and now she simply has settled. But tonight at bed she was calm and happy and talkative, completely different from this little wild enraged animal kicking her legs in the air while lying on her back on her bed. I was amazed kissing her head tonight as she smiled up at me with her huge brown eyes. I said, "I love you,"

She said, "I like you."

"Do you love me?"

"Yes."

I said, "I like you too."

"I like Darby" (a little girl in her class.)

"Yes, I like her too. She's a nice girl."

Now I just need to find out if Darby will come to her party. :)

So based on a blog comment, (thank you to those who comment, it does make a difference!) I decided it was time to put together a letter to the parents of the children in AJ's class. I typed it up this afternoon before I went to pick her up, then took it with me and showed it to her teacher when we were all sitting outside at pick up. I told her teacher that it was a rough draft and I wanted to make sure that the tone was OK (not negative at all) and if she thought it was even necessary. She read it and told me that she thought it was perfect and that we should have done this at the beginning of the year. She said that I need to send this home to the parents now and be sure to do it again in 1st grade.

Here is the letter (I am printing out 24 copies now and will send it home with the kids tomorrow):

Dear Parents,

I am writing a note to talk a little bit about autism. I am not sure how many parents know that my daughter, AJ, has high functioning autism. It is hard to tell at first because she does not have many of the “classic symptoms.” I don’t know if your child has mentioned AJ at all, or her differences, but I would like to give you a brief explanation about how the autism affects her and perhaps your child in the class.

AJ is a remarkably intelligent little girl with many gifts. She is able to think in a creative way that is surprising and enjoyable to her progressive teachers. Although there are many things that she can do very well and beyond her years, socializing is not one of them. It is difficult for AJ to make eye contact for more than a few seconds at a time. Sometimes she will walk away while her classmates are talking to her and even speak to them while walking away from them. I think this is confusing for her peers and may often be perceived as her being rude or that she doesn’t like them. It also may imply a lack of intelligence, which simply is not the case.

At one point we had a friend from the Center for Autism and Related Disabilities come and talk to the class about AJ and during this talk she mentioned that when AJ ignores her classmates she is not being intentionally rude. I think, however, this is a difficult concept for children to really understand and the guidance of a parent will help. AJ does very much enjoy interacting with her classmates but a real connection takes a patience on the part of her peers which just isn’t practical to expect in a kindergartener. Surprisingly though, I have found that many of her peers are very sophisticated in their ability to interpret her actions and are very sweet to her. This is huge for AJ and keeps her happy while she learns. (A small gesture such as making a space in the morning circle for her to sit down goes further than you can imagine!)

One of the most interesting things about AJ’s autism is that she does completely understand facial expressions and actions towards her, although she does not have the ability to consistently and effectively express back what she is also thinking and feeling…thus ending a conversation. She does know who are best friends in the class and she often plays at home with toys that represent the kids that she spends the most time with. I am sure she is much more interested in her classmates than they would ever guess or imagine.

On a final note, we are able to help her enormously by taking wheat-gluten, soy and casein (a protein found in cows milk) out of her diet. We do low sugar and salt, and keep preservatives out of her diet. The difference that diet makes in her ability to interact and focus well is incredible. Autism is not “who she is.” It is a barrier that we are able to shed at times and we get remarkable, occasional glimpses of “typical behavior.”

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I wanted to offer up some information as I am sure some parents have heard different bits and pieces so I wanted to be more clear. I will be happy to answer any questions and so will Ms. Darry. AJ is having such a great year with her class and we are proud of her huge accomplishments and the insight and encouragement that her teachers bring to the table on a daily basis.

(our names) parents to AJ, Owen, and soon #3

p.s. Ms. Darry wanted me to add that she has an article available in the classroom for any parents who are interested in reading more general information about autism in young children.

4 weeks to go till due date

2009-02-11T01:55:00.000-05:00

Today AJ's aid told me that AJ was crying a lot at school today. She didn't want to do her work and was very upset throughout the afternoon. This evening DH asked her who her friends are, and she named all of my friend's children and no one in her class.

I asked her tonight why she was sad at school today and she said it was because Kyle (her new aid) wouldn't let her have fun. So maybe she is just having trouble adjusting to having to do work after a week of relaxing. I don't know.

I'm still checking my emails for those birthday party rsvp's. I only invited the girls in AJ's class because it is $200 to have the party at the gym then $12 per child after 10 kids and I don't want to end up paying $400 for their joint birthday party. But it looks like now that maybe I need to send those invites out to the boys too. I can't have only two kids from AJ's class showing up and lots from Owen's. When I picked AJ up from school today I told a little girl Christine who is in AJ's class and who was showing me her teddy bear, that she was invited to AJ's birthday party. She said very unenthusiastically, "Yea, I got the invitation" and that was it. I can't let one little girls negativity get me down about all the kids. I did this party at the gym because I thought it would be easy on me to not have to do anything. Now I'm thinking that Disney World might have been the way to go!

Oh, I just remembered this...this morning when I dropped AJ off at school, another mom who I have asked 3 times to get the kids together with lots of yes's but no plans happening...was walking her child behind me and said to me, "I just want you to know that I think you are amazing."

I was very surprised and said "Oh thanks." Then in the car I thought to myself, what the hec does that mean? Is it because I was walking my autistic child to class with my watermelon baby belly, attending Daisy Scout meetings (that this mom was at), organizing a birthday party and begging people to push their kids into being friends with my daughter? Or did she really mean that she thinks I am crazy?

me.

p.s. I do realize these haven't been the happiest posts, but I do stay optimistic and am very excited about the new addition to the family on the way. I promise to have some more upbeat blog posts coming up!!

2009-02-09T20:48:00.000-05:00

Catch up blog:

I did put the kids in the same room and now we have a lovely baby room that we put together this weekend. I cleaned the house so it was spotless and put all the clean laundry away so everything is now organized.

I have not talked to my dad about the love letter Christmas card. I'm not sure if I am going to. A friend told me that it was a huge stress to take 0n and this might be something I should leave for my parents to work out between themselves. I don't know, but for now I am going to lie low.

2009-02-09T20:04:00.000-05:00

So we are back to freak out phase again. AJ has decided to start hitting. Yesterday when I put her in time out she leaned back and kicked my belly hard. I told her she was grounded from ice cream(rice cream) for a week. Tonight when she had to clean up or time out she hit me again in the belly. I was so angry I spanked her and she laughed. I don't want to spank her, I don't think it helps and it only make me look and feel like things are completely out of control. But I am so, so sad that she is hitting my belly. It makes me dislike her and she is my own daughter. There is nothing that makes me more angry than her showing violence towards the baby. When I spanked her I wanted her to cry and be sorry but she laughed and lay on her back on her bed and kicked in the air. I felt like I was on a bad episode of Super Nanny. I really could have used Super Nanny tonight. I can't leave AJ and shut the door because she destroys everything in her room. I have to sit there and hold her down. And I just can't believe it when she struggles to get free so she can hit again. She knows there is a baby in there. We talk about it all the time and she constantly want to look at and feel my belly. When she climbs on my bed for a hug we talk about how she has to climb on the bottom of the bed and come around so she doesn't squoosh my belly. She understands that there is a baby in there and that mommy and baby can be hurt by squooshing the belly. She even knows not to touch my belly button because I tell her it is sensitive. That is why I feel such anger when she hits it because she knows the severity of it. I need to take a time out myself. When I take her away from the situation and sit with her, it is like giving her what she wants. She wanted to not clean up, she likes sitting with mommy, acting out gets her attention. But like I said, if I leave her she destroys her room. I have to think of a plan that involves no hitting on my part, and of not loosing my cool, no matter what.

So she finally settled down and I said I was done for the night. DH is doing the going in every 10 minutes thing to check on her tonight. We bribe her to stay in bed by saying if you are in bed in 10 minutes we will sit with you for a minute and give you a kiss and a hug. But if she is out of bed we leave. So DH is in there with her now. I am disgusted and I feel like a terrible mom for being so angry and disappointed and worried and struggling with not holding a grudge against my autistic 5-year-old. It is just that my belly is so huge now. It is sticking out like a watermelon, I am getting constant comments, and AJ is using it as a punching bag. I want to keep her at a distance at a time that I know she needs me more than ever. But how on Earth do I teach her not not hit and to especially not hit my belly? Why doesn't she understand that? Why isn't that ingrained in her being and what does this mean when she is a teenager if she so obviously have no self control or concept of not crossing the line. She is up crying "ma ma" now and I just went and told her that if she hits, mama is done. And I left. I guess that is a way to get her to understand the severity, to not go back and act like everything is OK.

#2 The kids are having a joint birthday party at a local gym on Sat the 21st. Almost everyone that Owen has invited has already RSVPd and said they are coming. Only one girl from AJ's class has RSVP'd and that is it. So far she has 1 classmate coming to her birthday party and Owen has 8.

#3 AJ went back to school this Monday morning after being out for a whole week. When her classmate came back to school after being out for a week, everyone gathered around her and gave her a hug. No one greeted AJ. When she went to look at what the boys were doing, Jad gave her a stern look, then looked around for me and looked back at me and saw me looking at him and he looked down at the ground and didn't tell her to get lost.

I just know she is this amazing child and has so much inside of her but this autism thing just mixes it all up. It makes it so that she can't present or express herself that allows others to see how magical and wonderful she is. She doesn't validate anyone. Oprah said once that she knows how to deal with people because she validates everyone. If she doesn't agree, she still says, "I understand what you are saying...this is my view/comment." But she first says that she understands, which validates people. This is something that AJ doesn't ever, ever do. Maybe someday I will be able to teach her that. For now we have to get this fog cleared. She was completely clear of fog the whole 7 days she had a fever. Now that she is better she is in a sensory hell-fog. I gave her way too much sugar over the past few days to try and get her to just eat. Two days ago she had rice cream 3 times a day and lots of fruit. So perhaps we are dealing with a yeast problem and perhaps the fevers help to kill that off. I don't know I don't know and once again, I don't know. I guess I need to make another Dr. appt with her "progressive" Dr who is out of town.

#3 On a better note, I had a midwife appt today and she told me that the baby is head down now and no longer sideways. I actually let her do a sonogram. She said they had a machine and she would do a quick scan. She literally put the scanner on my belly, said yep, that's a head, and stopped. It probably took about 5 seconds, and I knew it would which is why I did it. I love this practice. I went to check out and told them two weeks (instead of 1) and she said OK and scheduled me 2 weeks out. My midwife doesn't check the cervix until 40 weeks so I don't have to worry about being poked and prodded and malled over the last few appts. That definitely appeals to me. I don't know why they do that anyway. Now that I know the baby is head down I feel like I will be able to labor at home for a good amount of time and I don't have to worry about going in as soon as I go into labor incase the baby doesn't turn and I need a C-section.

All is quiet in the kids room. DH gave AJ a melatonin for the first time in over a month and is now watching the Presidential News Conference.

I guess I will do some editing. sigh.

me.

2009-02-07T01:22:00.000-05:00

The baby has more room by lying sideways. Perhaps it is already really smart?

Transverse

2009-02-06T01:30:00.001-05:00

I looked up "sidways baby pregnant" online and found out that my baby is in the transverse position. This happens 1 in 2500 births according to the last website I looked at. It is risky if my water breaks apparently and I have to get a C-section as soon as I go into labor. I'm starting to kind of wish I was at the other, more organized practice. Maybe I should have gotten that ultrasound.

But...I am going to try acupuncture since that is what got my friend's baby to turn. I have a few weeks too. But why does this little one have to bee so different already when I so yearn for normal and boring.

I cleaned the house tonight after finishing a wedding video I promised would be out this week. I have been very busy working because of this wedding and the photo montage I overnighted on Tuesday. So when I was done with this wedding and waiting for the DVD to render (it takes hours) I cleaned the house. I was furious with DH for playing video games while I cleaned and eventually turned the Playstation off in the middle of his soccer match. He went into our room in a huff. I know it was very rude to do but oh so satisfying. I almost apologized to him an hour afterwards, but since I was still cleaning away and he was lying in bed watching TV shows on the laptop, I decided I didn't feel like apologizing.

AJ has no fever tonight for the first time in 7 days, but I am going to keep her home tomorrow anyway and so she will be fresh and healthy and ready for school on Monday. She barely ate again today and her stomach has been off all day. So she needs some time to fully recover and this weekend will be the time she needs. The house was a disaster and I feel so much better now that it is tidy. I still have to do a big clean this weekend. We have all Ikea furniature and it cleans up quite nicely.

DH's Dad has been emailing me lots of evangelist emails and I think he is kind of sad and looking for answers to why his son died and why he is watching his wife suffer through alzheimers. So I emailed him a picture of AJ and then sent him an email about what is going on, just a chatty one. I need to email him more often so he feels a part of things.

So this weekend for sure we are going to put AJ and Owen in the same room and have a baby room. Gosh I would love to have one of those rockers in the baby room...a yellow one. But I doubt it will happen. We have way more important stuff to spend our money on right now.

Bye for now,

me.

Sideways

2009-02-05T08:50:00.000-05:00

It is almost 6am and I have been awake since 4am. This happened with both of my last pregnancies too so I'm not too worried about it. There is only so long I can lie on my left side and it seems like 5 or 6 hours is the max. AJ is up too and it lying down on the couch. She might have dozed off. We are still dealing with fevers but now they are at 101 which seems low to me now after the 103's of a couple days ago. So no school again tomorrow. That will be 4 days of missing school and I have a feeling I will keep her out on Friday too since she still won't eat more than strawberries for dinner, or lunch for that matter. She usually is such a good eater.

So I have talked to a few friends about my Dad, one who worked with him too and they all think that it was some crazy lady who sent him the card. I tend to agree and I'm not too worried about it anymore. I will talk to my mom about it again soon I think.

So the baby is still sideways. I have never heard of a sideways baby. I have only ever heard of breach or right way round. This should be interesting.
me.

Fever gets rid of sensory issues

2009-02-02T23:57:00.000-05:00

We are now on day 4 of AJ's flu. I took her to her pediatrician today after more than 3 days of 103+ fevers and they did a flu test which is a swab on the back of the throat. I didn't know they could do that. And yes, she has it. But her throat, ears and chest are all great. The pediatrician said for having the flu, AJ looks really good and that the fevers aren't too worrysome.

I told her pediatrician that this flu we have been dealing with is bitter sweet though because AJ seems completely shed of all sensory issues. She is focussed and interested and makes great eye contact. She is calm and if she was like this all the time I would consider her very close to being recovered. I love it when she is like this. She has been sleeping in our bed which usually is awful because she picks at me. But these past few days she is calm and doesn't need to constantly fidgit. Her conversation skills are flowing and make sense and she looks at me while we talk. This is not something that happens like this when AJ is not sick with a fever. I have been getting lots of hugs randomly. It is wonderful. I wish I could bottle it.

But when the fevers get really high she is very sick and very upset and I get really worried about her. We have been doing warm baths when it gets into the high 103's and she hates that but is very well behaved. This whole thing is so odd. I don't know what her body is fighting off while she has a fever but it comes back when her fever and illnesses have gone and her sensory issues kick in again. Why isn't this being studied? I know I am not the only mom saying this.

me.

Falling to Bits

2009-02-01T23:13:00.000-05:00

So yesterday my mom and I went out to lunch. She has been grumpy with my dad recently and while we were driving to the restaurant she told me that she was not mad at him but wanted to punish him. I asked her why, a little alarmed.

I said, "What did he do?"

"When I was opening up the Christmas cards on the morning of Claire's wedding, I looked in it and there was a love note to him. It said, to the man I love, then there was a love note inside."

"What?"

"And it was when all our relatives were sitting around the table. I just handed it to him."

When we got inside the restaurant she pulled the card out of her purse and handed it to me. I read the note that said stuff like, "Why did you stop calling me? I still love you."

Mom told me that Dad just blows it off and said it is some crazy lady from his old work. But she is furious.

I'm angry too but I knew he had contacts like these. He enjoys the attention and he doesn't know how to tell people to get lost. He has no judge of character when it comes to letting crazy people into his life, especially desperate women. He listens, he tries to help and doesn't understand when they are trying to manipulate him because they have a crush on him. He has always been like this. If people are crazy he deems them eccentric and accepts them because he has always been a bit pretty much a social outcast. He is a nice guy and a magnet for people who want to attach themselves to a nice guy.

Recently though, since my sister passed he hasn't been the same and I have a hard time connecting with him. I will never be my sister, whom he had a very close relationship with. And he has just always driven me nuts, even though I love him dearly.

Now my Mom, who has always been a bit alarmingly impatient with him, feels betrayed. She said she knows that it is some crazy lady from his work but she just can't shake it. He won't talk about it and she doesn't want to press the issue so she is just fuming. He has to live with her anger and she has to too. The thing is that her pain, and my Dad's pain gives too much credit to this person who sent the card. It is not worth their pain.

I don't know what to do. My sister would have known what to do. I told mom pretty much what I wrote here, that dad just lets people into his life and tries to help them when no one else will and so they "fall in love" with him, because he isn't mean to them. He doesn't find it disgusting when a woman attaches herself to him because she is desperate. He doesn't realize this is not a compliment. My mom appreciated my explanation. But I also told her that if she still has unanswered questions, then she will never get closure and that she needs to bring it up and demand real answers. Maybe that was wrong advice but I don't know, I can't imagine just sitting on this.

For me, I am at a loss. I don't know if I should bring it up or talk to him about it. I was thinking about calling him or going for a walk with him and talking about it with him without any anger and just discussing it with him. I know it isn't my business but it hurts my heart too. My family was my rock and now with my sister's death and then my Mom reading love notes to her husband written by another woman, it just seems like things will never be right again. I know they are not horrible. I don't think my dad is or ever was cheating on her. I do think he might have looked for comfort in someone who wasn't grieving when my sister passed because it is impossible to seek real comfort in someone who is going through the same terrible pain. But what about my mom? It isn't fair for her if he looked for that elsewhere while she struggled on her own.

So I am sad tonight and conflicted. So much stuff is going on but this is sitting at the front of my mind, hence, the blog.

I don't know what to do. I guess I will keep thinking about it but I feel so sorry for my Mom, and my Dad kind of too.

me.

2009-01-30T01:07:00.000-05:00

We had a good day after I picked up AJ from school. We went right home since it was raining and she and Owen played together better than they have ever played before. I let Owen force AJ to play with him by telling her to come to the museum with him and dragging her into the dining room (the pretend museum). At first she was upset but when he suggested going to the beach she was interested and followed him into my room and suddenly the yellow comforter was the sand and they had a blast. They had conversations and pretend play together. It was a speech therapists dream come true (and mine too really.)

I edited my wedding and enjoyed listening to them play with each other, plesently for over an hour. Then since DH had band practice I made dinner, rice spaghetti and meat balls. I actually made the meatballs with a recipe and baked them. The kids loved dinner and ate it. I couldn't beleive that Owen ate it too. They even took a bath with no fussing. It was amazing. I so needed an afternoon like today. We read books and then they went to bed. Keeping them in bed wasn't butter smooth but it was better than last night.

I think the b12 shot this morning helped, and I am optomisitc now that AJ has not "fallen off the wagon" and we will have some more time where she is in our world so amazingly, and I hope she doesn't slip off again anytime soon.

I have been looking at facebook alot recently and one of my sister's friends, Mike, sent me a friend request. She and her husband spent a lot of time with Mike before she passed and I had thought about him a few times. So I was happy when I got the request and right away looked at his profile. He had a picture up of my sister that I recognized that he must have copied and pasted from her old online work photo. But then I was shocked to read a comment under her picture from one of his freinds saying, "Oh my God I heard she died in a car accident and right before the reunion. Is that true? If so that is SOOOO sad!!"

I felt really sick reading that and just typed below, "I can think of much nicer comments to write about her, like how beautiful she looks in this picture."

I just wanted to passively point out how gossipy, and inappropriate her comment was. She wrote back right away saying she didn't meant to offend and deleted her first comment thank goodnesss, then I deleted mine. I felt weird like I was being over sensitive but I know that my sister would have hated that so I felt inclinded to say something. Then I thought I was doing fine afterwards and just watched a bit of TV, but had an anxiety attack when I went to bed. It was weird. I haven't had that in months and months.

So when DH came home he helped me to feel better and here I am, typing it all out to try and get some clarity. I don't know if I have any calrity now. I am trying hard to be removed from the pain of her accident a bit while dealing with these last few weeks of my pregnancy. I can't mix greif in with this succsessfully so I have just been focussed on the baby and of abstract and plesent thoughts and memories of my sister. It is when I see words like the "comment" under her picture, that I get slammed into dispare.
Anyway, enough about me, this blog is supposed to be about AJ right? :)
Goodnight,
me.
me.

The "Screaming Phase" again

2009-01-29T12:11:00.001-05:00

I have a little time before I have to pick up Owen and I have watered my Facebook virtual fairy garden already ;) so here goes...
AJ has started screaming again, I wonder if this is marking the end of her wonderful 2 weeks. She has decided to stop listening and start screaming when we ask her to do things. It is so tiresome. Yesterday DH gave her gummie worms. I don't think/know if they have anything in them that she shouldn't eat besides preservatives and just crap, but I was annoyed since I have been so strict and she has been doing so well. Last night she had a major tantrum at bedtime. It was after she had been put to bed but was up late playing with her teddy bears and turning on her light whenever she felt like it after we both told her not to. Then she said she was hungry and I said no, because she had eaten a good dinner. And because she was in bed and I didn't want her getting up.
DH said, oh we could give her some toast so I said fine.
Ten minutes later she was at the table eating her GFCFSF toast with veggie shortening on it. Then surprise, surprise, she wouldn't go back to bed. So DH took her back kicking and screaming then he came out and shut her door (she was still screaming) and sat on the couch. H said, "She kicked me in the adam's apple and I smacked her butt. Go see her."
DH never smacks her, ever. As a general rule we don't spank and I knew he was feeling horrible about it although I couldn't help but be a bit glad that she now knew that there is a direct result of kicking someone in the throat.

So I opened her door and said I would come back when she stopped screaming.
"But mom, I have a sore leg." She struggled to say it and to figure out just what to say and I stayed until she finished her sentence. I suddenly wondered if she was having growing pains and if that was making her act like this. I sat on her bed and rubbed her leg and said that, "sometimes when grow it makes our legs feel sore." She was quiet now and then she said, "Daddy smacked my butt, hard."
I said, "Well you kicked him in the throat. That is what happens if you kick someone in the throat you get smacked. He didn't want to. Now go out there and apologize to him right now for doing that."
"Will you hold my hand?" I was stunned at her request, she even held out her hand to me. But I was angry too.
"No, you do this one on your own."
She went out in the hallway and I heard her walk down and say, "I'm sorry for kicking you Daddy, I am just so so sad."
DH said, "Come here" and he gave her a big hug and said he was sorry for smacking her butt. I wasn't sure if he should have apologized for it since I try and act like our decision-making, follow through and any discipline action should be treated like it is on purpose and for a purpose and to help them, even if they don't like it. Apologizing is like saying that you were wrong for your action/reaction. But it felt right to him and he had reacted out of anger so it made sense that he apologized.

She came back to bed and sat down next to me and said, "Daddy said um, nothing"
"Did he say he was sorry too?"
"Um, yes."
"He loves you very much."
"Um, yes."

She said, "I'm not going to be naughty anymore."
"OK" She says that every time after a big tantrum but it doesn't stop the tantrums.

We talked for a little while longer. I enjoyed her focus and willingness to try and find words and sentences and have a back and forth conversation. Then she asked me to lie down with her. I said no because my belly is so huge now that it is hard to get back up but she said please and I wanted a hug, so I lay down with her and pulled her close for a hug and she let out a big sigh. It was such a nice "normal" hug I couldn't believe it. Then she said. "OK all done hug" and rolled over to go to sleep.

When she goes through her "screaming phase" this means we are also dealing with her running away now when we tell her to come and get in the car when we are leaving the park. For DH it was picking her up from school yesterday which he said was very embarrassing. He said that he let her play for a while then when it was time to go she went and sat in a bush, and that is why he promised her gummie bears. I told him, "You just count."
He said he didn't want to seem too stern in front of everyone. I have no problem with it if she is doing something like sitting in a bush and ignoring me. I am more embarrassed about looking like I have no control over my wild child. But I'm not a screamer either so it is very hard to reel her in sometimes. Counting seems to do the trick for now.

Both kids have been tricky this past week. We are also dealing with colds and stuff so I'm sure that doesn't help. When Owen is a little bear it tends to take a toll on all of us too.

So I gave AJ her shot this morning before school, I was 2 days overdue with the shot and I hope this helps her. I have been slacking on the probiotics so I will get that going again too.

I need to set up a positive reward system or something before I pick her up today.
Wish me luck :)
me.

Bit By Bit, Day By Day

2009-01-27T20:41:00.001-05:00

So the cold is still going strong and I asked DH to get me some Vicks vapor rub from the store since it seemed like it would be better than taking medication. Then I read on there that if you were pregnant or nursing to ask a dr first. I thought that was silly since I remembered using it as a child and rubbed some on my chest. Oh my God, now my skin is burning and I don't smell any vapors. So I tried to wipe it off with tissues but it isn't helping. hm.

AJ had a good day today. Her teachers were amazed at her eye contact and talkativeness. These are some reasons why perhaps she could be doing so well right now:

1. We started OT in the pool sessions yesterday and will do it every Monday for half an hour. She talked the whole time in the pool then did very well in speech after it. She also did well talking to the kids in the waiting room between OT and speech.

2. I have been giving her hot Epsom Salts bath every night and she LOVES hot baths so that solves the, screaming-when-it-is bath-time problem.

3. I have been keeping up with the b12 shots and she has been much better about them too.

4. I have been strict about sticking to her diet and have also kept salt and sugar very low.

5. Total coincidence

She is the only on in the family who didn't get sick.

I started to read my book last night that I haven't looked at for 7 months. Some of it was pretty good and some was total crap. So I fixed the parts that were awful and I still have more to read and I'm sure, fix. I wrote 40 pages so far which is a pretty good amount I think. Out of all of my dreams and everything I have ever wanted to do, writing a book was always one that I thought I would do. All this other stuff, writing songs and playing out and making documentaries about autism are all dreams that pop up then sort of linger. But the book one has always been there. I tell myself that no one can read it and it will be in a ficticious name so I can write what I want without being embarrassed. We will see. I guess I could have a "pen name."

Today the local top 40 radio station called and said they want us to do some local business ads to put on their website. We will see how that pans out. Being offered a job right before having baby #3 isn't quite as exciting as when I don't have a million things to do and think about already. We put the crib up yesterday and today at the park a freind gave me some "girl" clothes as I had been complaining that I only have boy baby clothes and if it was a girl she was going to be dressed in blue all the time. Then right after I had chosen all the pink onzies, my other good friend who is also pregnant just 2 months behind me came up to the blanket and announced she found out today that she is having a girl! So we decided that if mine is not a girl I would give her the whole batch. And if it is a girl I will just pass things down right away.

I put the girl clothes in the crib drawer.

I read this article about how all these popular brand products have mercury in them, more spcifically in the high fructose corn syrup. Luckily we only use two popular brand stuff for AJ which is Helmens Real Mayo (2/25/09 we don't give it to her anymore because it has soy in it.) Actually, that is the only thing. I was going to say ketchup but we buy the publix organic which I think is sugar and not HFCS. This is also another reason why I should not drink the Coke I totally crave this pregnancy.

Well, I am tired but I can't stand being so stuffed up when I lie down. I guess I'll just deal. I should be editing but I'm tired.

Good night :)

me.

2009-01-27T04:49:00.000-05:00

Well, it is almost 5:00 am and I have been up all night with a cold. I read that you can take Benadryl while pregnant but I just don't want to put anything in my body that won't be good for the baby. So here I am, sitting up with stuff poring from my eyes and nose. When I lie down I am like a leaky faucet, so I am sitting up.

I hope that the next time I write in this my cold/flu crap will be gone.

me.

stuff

2009-01-21T23:05:00.000-05:00

This morning we were a bit late to school because I had a stomach ache and needed to rest until it got better. I got AJ to school by 10:00am and when we got to her classroom her teacher was reading a book and the kids were sitting on the carpet. AJ sat next to a little girl she likes in there and when I looked over to observe as I am way too nosey, I saw this little girl scowling at AJ and giving her a long, mean look. AJ did a kind of laugh thing like she didn't understand, but she did. The little girl looked up at me and smiled at me and I didn't smile, I just looked at her with a serious face. She looked back at AJ and I turned to go. I am so tired of leaving her with children who treat her badly unless they are closely supervised. I think it is better when AJ's aid is there for the 2 hours a day she is assigned to AJ. The kids don't understand her and they feel like they can be mean to her because she is weird. I remember kids in my classes growing up who couldn't help but be different and they were targeted. I think we will make it through elementary school, then for middle school we will go to a school that is really laid back, too laid back. We will see. I always thought that maybe I could home school but I don't think I have the self discipline it takes to keep the kids on task, to stay organized and run my business. I am hoping I will have some answer figured out by middle school in 5 years. But maybe I won't. Who knows what will be happening in 5 years. Tonight when I was lying on the couch resting my belly with my head on DH's lap, I looked around our little living room and thought about how I was not in pain, how I had safe beautiful children sleeping in bed, a little one in my belly and a complete mystery of a future lying ahead of me. I had just been thinking about how beautiful DH's eyes were and how I could tell him that, but decided not to.

The last time I had a weird kind of revelation in time moment was two days before my sister's accident. We were watching LOST and they showed the guy who lost his son. They were on a raft and some people came on a boat and took his son. He freaked out and yelled and was such a good actor because he was in such agony at loosing his son. I said to DH that I didn't like watching stuff like that because so far I had been spared that kind of grief and agony but it does happen to people every day. This was supposed to be entertainment but people go through this, they loose people that they love in terrible ways and I haven't...I had no idea how it felt.

Then 2 days later my sister and her baby died and when I was crying on my bed on the same spot that we had been watching LOST on the laptop, I thought about how two days earlier I was spared this but now here I was living it.

So lying on the couch tonight as LOST ended, I hope that my looking around at my little safe haven and feeling healthy and ignorant of anything going on with the future of this baby in my belly, I hope that things move smoothly and that I don't get any more doses of how things really feel for too many people.

I guess I should go to sleep so that AJ isn't late to school tomorrow. I have a midwife appt tomorrow too.

me.

How to Make This Baby Stuff Work

2009-01-20T23:07:00.000-05:00

So I have been thinking about what was difficult when AJ and Owen were babies and what I want to do differently with #3. I had a hard time nursing both of them. I had troubles with plugged ducts, latch and then I had to stop with Owen because he had some rare issue with choking on thin liquids (we had a swallow study done) and so I had to stop or they said he would get pneumonia from aspirating on it.

They were both reflux babies too which was horrible, so I have been trying to think of what would help this time around. With both of them I had a sling but it was too big for me and didn't really help me very much.

I remember that when I was in the hospital with both babies I wanted to have skin to skin with him while I tried to figure out nursing properly. It was a bit embarassing to be naked from the waste up and I could tell from the reactions of the constant interupters" coming to check vitals every hour, that they weren't really used to that.

So now it has been a few years since my last baby and I have seen many different slings around that look like I could make work. So last night I looked up slings online and found this one

http://theslingstation.com/inst-wraps.html

I was thinking that since it is kind of stretchy and wrap around and good for newborns, that I could just wear that in the hospital and have the baby next to me pretty much all the time. If it seems realistic I could even sleep that way with DH kind of keeping watch. I'll feel it out. But also, if this is another reflux baby, which I am sure it will be, then this is a way I can keep it upright and against me after feedings and have a hand free. So much of my time with AJ and Owen was taken up trying to keep them comfortable after their feedings as their reflux was so bad.

One other thing I plan on doing is cutting dairy out of my diet starting two weeks before my due date, as it takes two weeks to get out of your system. I am hoping this will cut down on colic and perhaps the reflux. My friend Tina swears by it and her baby is 10 months now. I am hoping we have a better chance though of no reflux since I did not take but one zoloft pill this whole pregnancy and I took it regularly with AJ and 50mg every 3 days with Owen. Another friend told me that a study has been done showing that zoloft increases the chance of GERD in babies.

I don't know how this is going to turn out. I might have a child with autism, even severe autism. I might have a child with Downs, I have no idea since I did no testing, not even an ultrasound. So I will take whatever comes and deal as best as I can. I know it will be hard no matter what and I am not expecting a "normal" baby...whatever that is. I am ready for it to be tough and I will get through it and hopefully have a lovely happy family at the other side of all the hard work of the first 6 months.

All I can do is hope really.
me.

http://theslingstation.com/moby.html

http://theslingstation.com/inst-wraps.html

Beginning Ideas of GFCFSF diet help (will be continually continued)

2009-01-20T22:39:00.001-05:00

Diet free of gluten, casein, soy, peanut butter, preservatives, MSG, BPA's

There are more dinner ideas than I am listing, but my kids don't like salad, mushrooms and really quite a lot of good stuff. What I have listed is what I give the kids for breakfast, lunch and dinner. My dinner is often different because I like my cheese and wheat bread. Our favorite dinner though is rice pasta with sauce. I put fake meat in my sauce but AJ can't have it as it is made of soy. We all have our rice pasta with red sauce and I also eat garlic bread with mine. If we have some of AJ's gfcf bread on hand she will dip it in olive oil. She loves olive oil and it is good for her. Every family is different with different likes and dislikes. This is a list that works for us and can be tweaked and expanded upon by other families trying to figure out what to eat with this limiting but nutricious diet.

dinner ideas:

1. black bean burgers
note: make a bunch and freeze them for your little one so they always have a protein dinner staple when you don't want to eat GFCFSF with them.

a. Just mush up a can of black beans. Use Eden brand canned black beans as that is the only kind that does not line their cans with BPA's.

b. . Health food stores carry the bread crums you can use, they are Gillians bread crumbs and can also be found on GilliansFoods.com and here is the link right to the bread crumbs:

http://glutenfreegilliansfoods.netfirms.com/glutenfreegilliansfoods//catalog/product_info.php?products_id=64&osCsid=c55acec532117e81560e15622e8a86da

2. I barely cook fish because I am worried about mercury, but when we do have it I buy Wild Alaskan Salmon or Tilapia, as currently they are the two types of fish with the lowest mercury. I usually just bake it on the oven for 20 minutes with lemon juice pored all over it and cut up garlic. It is delicious.

3. Organic chicken for parmasan chicken (with no cheese of course.) Just get a kitchen hammer and hammer out some chicken breasts until they are flat (and will cook quicly in the frying pan)
a. get out 3 paper plates and in one put some rice or bean flower, the next put some beaten eggs and the last have some bread crumbs

b. coat the flattened chicken first in the flower, then the egg, then the bread crumbs and put right into the pan.

This is so delicious that the whole family can eat it and you can melt cheese on the chicken that is for family members who are not on the diet. This can be put on rice pasta with organic red pasta sauce. Always check your ingredients on the sauce label.

4. Nitrate-free organic hot dogs...cut them up to be dipped in ketchup or mayo

note: I pair these main course dinner staples with organic fresh veggies, mostly spinach, broccoli, corn and peas. These can be bought in the frozen organic section too. I get the kids to eat their peas by having them count them as they pop them in their mouth.

Desert:

I don't do a regular desert since I like to keep AJ's sugar intake low as it promotes yeast growth and she seems to get stumbly and agitated after a lot of sugar. But we do have some "ice cream" on hand such as frozen coconut, acai berry and rice dream vanilla. I don't give her chocolate because it seems to have a negative affect on her.

I keep organic suckers on hand from the health food store. They are sweetened with fruit juice. But again, these are a rare treat.

My mom makes amazing GFCFSF chocolate chip cookies that I will get the recipe for.

I keep GFCFSF chocolate chips on hand for a small treat and bribe

At birthdays I make the cakes that come in the box, but I haven't checked them recently for soy which I will have to do as taking soy our of her diet over the past few months has been a major help.

LUNCH:

1. egg salad
I boil the eggs for about 12 minutes then cool them and grate them. Then I add mayonaise. AJ loves Helmens Real Mayonaise. I would rather her have organic but this is one thing that she LOVES and we don't have to take away. If you buy the little jars of the may you can get it in glass rather than plastic. I put this in her lunch box in a dollup with a spoon and some organic blue corn chips which she dips into the egg salad.

2. Organic chicken lunch meat. I never buy turkey anymore because it puts her to sleep. Sometimes we get ham which she loves, but I am already squeamish about not being vegetarian anymore and so we don't often.
note: I either pull this into little peieces that she can dip in mayo or roll them up like how you see on an appetizer plate.

3. organic nitrate-free hot dogs

4. Almond butter and jelly on rice cakes.

5. bacon

I pair this stuff with:

a. Soft cubed carrots in the gerber baby food section. They are in a glass jar and can be dumped in a lunch box tub in seconds and she loves to eat them as finger food. She doesn't like crunchy carrots so this works better. I like that it is in glass but they don't have organic ones yet.
b. Soft green beans in the gerber jar
c. steamed organic carrots cut up
d. fruit (cut up apples with a bit on lemon juice on them so they don't turn brown, organic grapes, organic blueberries as often as possible, organic strawberries and she loves kiwi fruit
e. peas
d. sometimes she will actually eat cold, left over steamed broccoli when I put it in her lunch
e. hummus (check and make sure there aren't lots of preservatives. Local made stuff at the health food store is best).
f. organic baby tomatoes
g. rice cakes
h. organic raisins

Breakfast:

1. Rice Krispies with rice milk and a little bit of organic sugar

2009-01-19T23:17:00.000-05:00

It is 11:15 and I don't have heartburn tonight and my gaul bladder is not bothering me which is nice, since it kept me up all night last night and was threatening to bug me tonight too but went away.

I am going to put together a blog about how we do the GFCFSF diet so that when people ask me...it is right there.

facebook stuff

2009-01-18T23:53:00.000-05:00

It is almost midnight, but tomorrow is MLK Day so Jeff and the kids are home with me. I am missing My sister tonight in a weird way. I feel kind of removed from her and I know how to connect again. I could go and look at photo's and most of all, read the mother's day card from her, the one she wrote only a few weeks before she passed and said such nice things. I don't know, it is easier sometimes to just be numb.

I have been doing facebook recently and my old boyfriend is on there. He has twins, 4 months old now. He has nothing about his girlfriend/wife on there so I don't even know if he is married. There are pics of his twins but that is it. We were togther 7 years and were kind of engaged, he was going to move here after grad school and we had planned to get a place together. But I called it off because I just didn't want to marry him. That didn't mean I didn't love him. I did, and that kind of love never goes away. So it is weird to have him there, hanging around on facebook. It is is almost magical in a way though. I don't have to talk to him, I don't have to do anything to make me feel like I am being disrespectful to DH. But I get a little glimpse into what he is doing and where he is and what his email is. I don't ever plan on using any of it. But just having it accessible give me a kind of joyful feeling, like he is not gone. Just not in my life. I called him a few months after my sister's accident after a friend of a friend emailed me his phone number because she heard I wanted to talk to him. It was weird talking to him. He made me laugh and feel really good because he said that he thought it was going to be some rude contractor on the phone and it was me and he couldn't believe it. He had heard about my sister and was alkwardly terribly sorry. He was never good at that. He understood my relationship with her and I needed that connection. When we got off the phone I was glad I spoke to him and thought that maybe I would call him again maybe in 10 years. I told DH about it right away and he was understanding. If I thought it would upset him I would not have made that call. But now my that old boyfriend is on facebook and we can occasionally make small comments now and then I don't think I will ever have to call him again. He is there, living his life and giving tiny glimples...not more, or less than I want to see. I have lots of pics of my family and of me and DH together. So he knows too. I'm not sure how others/he perceives me from what I put up there, but it is what it is. I think that true love never dies. We would never have made it together. I knew that I would never want to put a child through our tumultuous relationship and I made the right decision. DH is the true love of my life. But just knowing that my old love is not in an abyss, as if he had died or something, well, I'm glad that is not the case.

I have my usual perpetual heartburn. The baby is moving a lot and getting more and more heavy in my belly. I wonder if it is a boy or a girl!! I have no idea. No idea.

goodnight,
me

Day to Day

2009-01-16T01:51:00.000-05:00

I am constantly baffled by how different AJ is on a day to day basis. This evening she has a quick response/processing time with eye contact, answering questions and just good behavior. This is following three day of sensory misery...stumbling around, practically falling off the bed when I was trying to do her hair this morning for school, ignoring me, making odd noises and screaming randomly. But tonight, she was happy, no weird noises, no falling about or stimming off my pregnant belly by wiping her nose on it. She was just happy, talkative, responsive, had eye contact and I just don't understand it.

We gave her her shot yesterday evening and sometimes is takes some time to work. But I think it probably has more to do with that a few days ago she had about 4 good days in a row and I gave her m-n-m's in the car when she was doing well and we let her have some real cheese on her rice pasta. I think that if I cheat with the diet, then in a couple of days she will just loose it. The confusing part is when it doesn't happen right away...so it is very hard to pinpoint the cause.

I'm still sad about her lack of friend situation at school, and my lack of ability to connect with the parents of the other girls in her class. I will keep working on it, gently, and try not to worry so much. I have a feeling that things may change or get better. And if they don't, we will still figure something out for my little one.

I'm 33 weeks now and starting to see elbows move under my skin. It is remarkable and a little overwhelming at the same time. I think we are going to be OK though. I am trying to get these next two weddings edited before the baby is born so I am going to have to really work hard over the next two weeks, as I also have photo montages to do asap as they are going to be shown soon.

goodnight,
me.

still 32 weeks, same that my sister was

2009-01-13T01:42:00.000-05:00

So no mom's have contacted me back about getting the girls together to play. I feel like I am in middle school again which is a very odd feeling. I swear I will get a play date for AJ if I have to kidnap one of these parents and make them bring their kid over.

Number 3 is kicking up a storm in my belly. It is both alarming and wonderful and uncomfortable all at the same time. The house is a mess and I wonder how I am going to survive with 3 when I can barely stay afloat with 2. But I am still foolishly happy and optimistic alongside my steadfast realization that anything can happen. I guess that is natures way of preparing your or something...The third trimester is intense but comes with a numbing shot of joy.

I had DH tell his brother and wife not to come to visit when the baby arrives, like the week of my due date is what they were proposing. I had this horrible image of me trying to clean the house when I was in labor, although I suppose it would keep me busy. The worst image in my head though was them seeing how I will probably be topless for the first two weeks trying to figure out how to breast feed without getting an infection or a plugged duct, cracked and bleeding or all those lovely things that happened over and over and over with my first two. I don't expect or plan for a smooth ride. I am planning for it to be very very hard. So the last thing I need is relatives who don't understand why people have children in the first place. I think that after seeing the first two weeks with a new born they would probably be horrified. So I don't feel like dealing with that, or having DH taken away on canoe trips when I will need him by my side.

Wednesday will be 33 weeks. If I can just make it till then...

2009-01-07T00:25:00.000-05:00

When I brought AJ into school this morning none of the girls were interested in playing with her and she could tell. I stay with her in the morning until the bell rings and they start the morning meeting. This morning a little boy, Cameron was playing a game by himself and she has talked about him before and he seems sweet. So I encouraged her to ask him if we could play and he was happy to say yes...probably the only kid there who would be happy to say yes to playing with her except perhaps one other little girl, Marley, who has a kind heart. So we played this board game until the "line leader" of the day rang the little bell which means put the toys (which they call "work") away and get in a circle. I left and peaked in the door. I saw AJ sit next to Clara who kind of bristled and looked annoyed. Then I saw AJ decide to move and go and sit next to Marley who I feel like tolerates her politely. I left feeling pretty depressed and went by the office to find out when this new aid is supposed to start. The assistant director, Jennifer told me that the aid was going to start next monday and would be in this week meeting the class and getting to know AJ and the kids. I think it is a shame that AJ has to struggle through the first week back on her own, then when it gets easier the next week, her aid starts. It will be 2 hours a day.
When I went to pick AJ up I spoke to her teacher at pick up, her teacher stays for 15 minutes after so if the kids are collected early I get a chance to chat which is really nice. I told her how I got a weird vibe this morning, and yesterday too really and she said yes, and that this afternoon she asked 2 girls to help AJ with a project, and that the girls really tried to help and the three of them had a good dialogue going together. I told her thank you and that this is what AJ needs, because the girls feel a sense of responsibility towards her and AJ gets to enjoy the comrodary.

After I dropped her off I went home and tried to think of what I could do (this seems to happen after every break.) So I called a mom of one of classmates, the one who lives closest and she has a strong personality. In fact she wasn't nice to AJ the first few weeks of school and the teacher had to talk to this little girl, Talula's mom. It got straightened out. Talula still isn't that interested in being friends with AJ but I have a feeling that since she has a strong personality and I think, is a good kid really, that if we do some activities together outside of school that she will learn how to befriend AJ and that it might translate to the classroom a bit better. Talula's mom anwsered the phone which kind of surprised me because I was hoping I would just be able to leave a message and not have to actually speak to a real person. She was very nice though and said they couldn't meet at the park today but maybe Thursday. So I hope that works out. She also said that her friends were meeting at the park today and that it was a mom's group she belongs to and that perhaps I could connect with them. That sounded promising.

I also wrote two notes in little butterfly cards to two parents. One is the parent of Marley and I was cringing to do it because they are very very wealthy and the father is in a popular band so I was terribly nervous and feeling rediculous that I was reaching out to try and make a connection. But I did it since Marley is so sweet to AJ and I put my own middle school fears aside to try and make something happen for AJ. I also put the same play date note in a card for a little girl, Elisabeth's mom because AJ often talks about Elisabeth and her old aid told me that Elisabeth is kind to AJ.

So when I picked up AJ, and when I spoke to her teacher, I also gave her these two cards and I was very nervous about it which was kind of embarrassing. Her teacher is so sweet though. She told me the mom's names to write on the envelopes and when I messed one of them up she got me a new envelope from the classroom...(that is how far out of my comfort zone I was, that I couldn't even get the envelope right.) Her teacher held up the cards and said she would put them in the kid's cubbies and she said, "This is good, this is how you do it!" That made me feel a bit better because I kind of feel like I am putting myself out there to basically be ignored. It is not very likely that they will call at all and I don't feel like being sad or frustrated about it. So, I just won't be. I will just be happy that I tired I guess. We will see if someone wants to meet us at the park.

Now I pretty much like most people and I certainly don't judge people. I especially like quirks, odities and most of all, kind and open hearts. But I will end this story of today to talk about Kevin's mom. Kevin is in AJ's class and is also picked up right after school like AJ and doesn't go to play group after like most kids their class. He sometimes likes to play with AJ after school, just running around while his mom and I and other parents talk and also chat with the teachers. Kevin is kind of Aspergers so AJ's mixed messages don't phase him at all, he just obliviously persists and she complies and follows him to look for bugs around the side of the school and such. But even though Kevin's mom is a nice, kind hearted lady, I have to say that I have a hard time spending more than 10 minutes around her. She doesn't stop talking and her conversations are shockingly open, slightly crass and sometimes pitiful, often exposing herlself to be a little bit crazy (which hey, who isn't) but she is so nuts that it is exhausting and I often look for an escape exit when she catches me in conversation. BUT today was "get AJ some class friend's day" and she was playing so well with Kevin after school, that when I was done talking to her teacher I told Kevin's mom that I was going to the park near my house and would they care to join us? She immediately said yes so I gave her directions and off we went.

More tomorrow...I'm tired and have to try and figure out how to get rid of this 32 week preg heart burn.
Good night,
me.

2009-01-03T23:37:00.000-05:00

It is 11:37 and I have been working on the photo montage again tonight. But before that we had a very fun evening playing the Rock Band video game with friends. The kids had a blast and AJ did some really great singing for 1 song to "Maps" by the "Yeah Yeah Yeah's." They both stayed up late but didn't have major freak outs about going to bed which was nice. The house is clean since, well, we cleaned it before our friends came over. DH made dinner, he made pasta and fake meat sauce (AJ had to have sauce with no fake meat as it has soy in it, and her own rice pasta.) Our Ikea dining room table is so small we could barely fit around it but we managed and the salad and garlic bread were outstanding.

I've been very nervous about what is going on in Israel since my younger sister is there. She is in Tel Aviv which is hopefully far enough away from the bombings. But I hate that they are angering the rest of the world with their attacks and I wish this could be resolved quickly without people dying. Most of all I wish she would move back tomorrow and not wait.

2009-01-03T02:22:00.000-05:00

It is late Friday night and I am fighting off a headache. It is actually Sat by now. I worked on a photo montage from 10 till 2 and it was one that was done until the bride told me she had emailed me music choices previously. I found the email and it was buried at the bottom and they were mp3 attachments that I hadn't been looking out for.

It is 2:23am. I can't just go to sleep after working. I have to decompress or something. I need to be up until I pass out or I will just worry.

I can't let myself just think that my pregnancy is going to go well and that things are going to be good because I feel like if I think that I will be punished or something. I allowed myself to think that with my sister. I feel like if I am terrified that something bad will happen that I will either be prepared or spared. I know that is crazy, I do, and I don't want to fee like that. But I am trying to protect myself from being caught off guard or something,

I think I might go and see my counselor guy that I visited a few times after my sister passed. Maybe I will go see him next week when I am 32 weeks, where she was when she and the baby passed.

OK, sorry that I am writing about this and not AJ stuff. This is just what is on my mind and has to be peeled off before I can focus on my little one. I will write this though, I have discovered that if I give at least 10 mintues to each child, after books, lying down and cuddling and chatting a little bit, they are much much happier about going to sleep.

me.

2008-12-29T00:35:00.000-05:00

First I want to write that the morning after the high fever of the previous evening (see below blog), AJ had a very mild one, it was 99 under her arm, and she was acting, well, incredible. I have blogged a few times before that when she has a fever that it is like she doesn't even have autism and the next morning, December 15th, it happened again. I wish I could bottle that fever. There is something there. It is something huge that is the key to unlocking, at least her autism and finding a way to help her. Her processing time was immediate. We had the best conversation and I knew the whole time I should get up and get my video camera but I couldn't bare to leave her as I knew that as the fever wore off, that so would the incredible immediate processing time. So I used all that time to talk to her and soaked it all in and enjoyed it.

On to other things. Right now my little one in my belly is wiggling around like crazy. I am almost 31 weeks along. My face is starting to get puffy, my hands were swollen this morning for the first time in a long time (I have been very careful about salt so I seem to be spared the major swelling so far.) It is starting to be hard to walk around since I am short which makes my belly stick way out. But I still am pain-free. I am trying not to eat like a piggy which I did not bother with my first two pregnancies. Although tonight I did eat a quarter of an apple pie, but I swear that isn't usual!!!

So Claire's wedding was last weekend. What a drama week. I won't bore you with the details but I will tell you that yesterday she lost her wedding band and today her engagement ring broke, and when my mom took it to the jewelry store to get it fixed, the little broken off flower got lost somehow. The worst part about that is that there were 3 flowers, 3 sisters, and now there are only 2 flowers. The irony, symbolism and whatever else is so cruel and exhausting and miserable. The rings are supposed to represent so much so it is kind of shocking to loose them and to loose broken, significant parts of them. Then she had to fly out this afternoon. Claire was sick for the last half of her visit and she is very much the baby when she is sick. Now she and her hubby are on on the plane on the way back to war torn Israel and once again, I am just trying not to freak out or stress as I read the news about the attacks on Gaza Strip and I can't believe she is going back there to live. My parent's cried at the airport. I didn't. I can't wait for her to come back, to move to Brooklyn again and get her life together and gain some weight and stand up straight. My whole family is still so terribly torn by my older sister's passing that I find it alarming to see the mess it has created, still. And I know it messes with me all the time, some times more than others. It gets tiresome trying to constantly cope, rather than just live. But I am also having a blast in a way...just living. In fact, as of midnight (It is just after midnight) it is my wedding anniversary. It has been 7 years!! The best part about it is that I am so happy with my husband. I love him more than ever, he has been amazing through all of this wedding stuff. It is so hard to feel so lucky though because you have so much to loose when you love someone this much. I don't think I could take much more tragedy honestly. I would probably end up in a mental institution. I think about that sometimes, what I would do if something so horrible happened that I couldn't deal with it... and I thought that maybe I would join the peace corps or something.

Anyway, this blog is getting off track and starting to sound a bit weird. This has just been an emotional week. I do want to add though that on Claire's wedding day, I had an amazing time with AJ getting her ready and dressed up as a flower girl. She let me wash her hair and blow dry it and curl it and put it in little clips with baby's breath flowers. She had one of those long white dresses on and looked like an angel. She was so excited about it.

I will write tomorrow about the toy brains exploding on her dress quite soon before it was time for her to walk out there.

OK, bye for now.
me.

up late

2008-12-15T01:06:00.000-05:00

Well first I have to say that the soy experiment continues. My little one has been clear as a bell ever since I got very strict about not having even a tiny bit of it in her diet. Now of course I am kicking myself for not doing it sooner. She probably has always had this major allergy to it and I never figured it out until now.
Anyway, I am up late because she has a high fever and I can't sleep when she is sick like this. Last night she was throwing up all night and DH took care of that since I was very wary of catching a stomach bug while pregnant. She was OK today but said she had a sore throat, and tonight her fever spiked to 102.6 under her arm. So I gave her ibuprofin and just now when I checked on her it was still over 101. She has pulled the covers up over her so I pulled them off and I think she is cooling down. I don't mind a fever, just not one that seems to be too high. She has her school Christmas concert tomorrow and I bought her the cutest outfit for it. I was so excited about going and she was about singing in it. I guess we will see how she is though. I am keeping her out of school and I will have to call to see if there is anything I need to know that she would have brought home from school. sigh.

She always has done remarkably well when she had a fever, but it is less obvious now that I have her off soy and she isn't in a cloud at all recently.

I have been putting away the baby's clothes, the one that I had given to my older sister and that she had in a chest of drawers all ready for her baby. Now it is weird to be putting them in the closet for my little one, knowing they were never worn by her baby. It feels wrong. But what am I supposed to do? I don't know.

me.

Salt and Swelling.........Diet and Ireland (yes, Ireland)..........and Yahoo's cancer article (I swear they do all relate in an eclectic sort of way

2008-12-11T00:18:00.000-05:00

Salt and Swelling.........Diet and Ireland (yes, Ireland)..........and Yahoo's cancer article (I swear they do all relate in an eclectic sort of way :)

So one of the autism theories I have read about is the swelling of the brain as a baby/toddler. I think that swelling is an issue with some immunity difficiancy disorders too (I'll check my source on this one before I elaborate.) AJ's head size was way off the charts as a toddler. Now that I am pregnant I keep reading about how eating salty stuff will make you swell. I have been staying away from chips and salt in general, and also I have been trying to keep AJ"s salt intake to a minimum and I think that helps her too.

I think what it boils down to is that we just have to simply give our autism kids healthy, natural food that is low in sugar, salt and is preservative-free (as well as the GFCFSF.) It is kind of like we have to go back to the stone age and give them anything that we ate as hunter/gatherers!!..before we knew how to grind wheat into flower, farm cows or create soy products. Did you know that so many people in Ireland are gluten intolerant that they offer a choice of gluten free crackers for communion in the Catholic Churches there. The theory is the very fast diet switch from mostly potatoes to mostly bread, didn't sit well with much of the population.

I just read an interesting article on Yahoo about how to prevent cancer and it basically said to eat your fresh fruit and veggies. We are all just saying the same things over and over, but not connecting them, and certainly not doing them...me personally included, but I'm going to try.

Claire's Wedding

2008-12-10T23:56:00.000-05:00

My younger sister, Claire, is my best friend on the planet and is pretty much the person I have been closest to my whole life. After our older sister passed, I realize all the time now that when I talk about my past that Claire is in everything I have ever done...ever...and that I really would have to erase my mind of the past if anything happened to her too if I were to keep going. Anyway, enough of that. I actually wanted to write about her wedding that is coming up on December 20th.

She is living in Israel with her man. They met in NY and dated for a year. Then she moved to Israel with him and then they got engaged. They weren't allowed to marry there because she wasn't "jewish enough" and they eloped to Cyprus a couple of months ago. My parents went to the elopement, and so did his parents. I felt awful that I didn't go but I had been dealing with some mild but clinical anxiety (which is completely gone now) and didn't want to deal with a huge trip away from the kids and flying when I was trying to do this pregnancy medication-free.

Soo...I was pretty sad that I was missing her wedding. It didn't seem right, in fact it felt completely wrong. So we are putting together a wedding for them here in town and it is going to be so cool.

Right now I am looking for a dress and I am hoping to find an empire waist dress that is not maternity but won't ride up too much in the front. I have to look fast because I only have a week and a half, but I need to wait until Friday, DH's payday...don't ask.
AJ is excited about her dress. She sees me editing wedding videos all the time and has been asking for months to be a flower girl and wear a "princess dress." So I have been looking on ebay and found a very fruffy one that she is very excited about. When I asked if she wanted this one she said, "Yes, and I now I need something to put in my hair"
So we will have to make her a crown of flowers.

I hope it isn't freezing cold. I hope it is like today, 80 degrees!! And I hope it doesn't rain.
I will write more tomorrow.
me.

What causes regressive autism, and my response to the St. Pete Times article about vaccines and atusim

2008-12-10T23:52:00.000-05:00

Subject: My response to the St. Pete Times' front page article about vaccines, and how this relates (or not) to autism ...

Begin forwarded message:

Date: November 24, 2008 10:26:54 PM EST
To: greene@sptimes.com
Subject: In response to your article about vaccines...from an autism mom.

Hi Lisa,
I enjoyed your thorough and fair article about vaccines and as an autism mom I wanted to offer up an explanation of how vaccines truly figure into autism.

The most current view is that vaccines do not cause autism. I believe, after researching for the past 4 years, that autism is triggered by numerous environmental factors, in children who are genetically predisposed. Vaccines are a part of the trigger, not a single cause.

One example of how to explain how vaccines factor into austims is the, "Princess Diana Tragedy Example." It states that you can say, "If only she was wearing her seat belt, if only she weren't being chased by the media, if only the driver had not been drinking"....if only one of these factors had been different, her fate may have been different.

With autism I could say, "If only I had not eaten a can of tuna fish a week during my pregnancy, if only I had not let her have 5 vaccines in one day, if only I had declined the flu vaccine with thimerasol in it, if only I had not microwaved her formula in plastic bottles, then maybe the genetic predisposition would not have been triggered and she would not have had lost skills at age 2, then regressed more and more with every vaccine."

This theory is based on the fact that our kids who are genetically predisposed to autism are more sensitive to environmental progress/toxins. They can't rid the body of toxins like most of us can and it ends up building up in their system and turning off switches in their brain (that hopefully can be turned on again some day as research continues.)

You can say a similar thing for many diseases and disorders. For example, breast cancer is believed to be triggered by carcinogens in those genetically predisposed. I think that environmental toxins are out of hand and we just turn a blind eye to them because it is so terribly inconvenient to do otherwise. We like eating fast food packed with preservatives and we like microwaving our food in inexpensive plastic. We can't bother with being worried about BPA's or MSG or bothering with whatever the new "scare tactic" is. Not only is it inconvenient to change our lifestyle habits, but how do we decipher which "scare tactic" has merit and which is a passing media trend that has simply received over-exposure.

A part of being an autism mom is trying to decipher just this. We have to pull out what we learned in statistics class in college and from biology about studies and credibility. Suddenly instead of just mom's we have to be scientists, researchers, nurses, doctors for our kids and it is overwhelming. Then we deal with "professionals" not listening to what we have discovered and what we are saying because we don't have the medical degree to back it up. We are a new generation of Lorenzo's Oil parents, which I have to say, sucks.

But...my little girl with autism has improved so much that after a diagnosis of severe autism only two years ago, she is now in a typical kindergarten at a highly regarded private school, where she is one of the best students in her class. My studies and theories put into practice have worked on my child. Now I watch as it unfolds and hope that small treatments such as diet modifications; feeding her fresh organic veggies, fruit and meat, and also taking gluten, casein and soy out of her diet, eventually become recommended by pediatricians. We give my daughter vitamins, probiotics, baths in epsom salts and B12 shots. None of this stuff is proven or standard, but it has worked for her, especially the B12.

So to get back to vaccines...when my daughter's pediatrician told me that it is rare to have severe side effects from vaccines, that they don't cause autism, that there is not enough thimerasol in the flu vaccine to be of concern, I trusted him. I know that he was not knowingly giving me wrong information. But my child was showing some mild signs of autism at that point and I should have been advised to wait on the vaccines until her immune system was stronger and to stay away from thimerasol and any environmental toxins...from food preservatives to bug spray.

A Short Rant:
Unfortunately today it still is not standard for pediatricians to advise the treatment of keeping preservatives and toxins out of autism children's systems while working on detoxifying and strengthening their immune systems. This theory is often dismissed as "not proven." For example, many pediatricians and even specialists will not say to concerned parents, 'I don't know if it the GFCF diet works or not because I am not a parent or doctor who has tried it." Instead the doctor will say, "These treatments are not proven," which implies some sort of knowledge on their part, where there actually is none. Parents end up getting cheated out of precious early intervention treatment time until they finally look it up and find the information themselves on the internet or through networking with other autism parents.

As an autism mom, like many others out there, I do not believe that vaccines simply cause autism. I do believe that if a child is genetically predisposed to it, that vaccines contribute greatly to triggering or worsening autism symptoms in overloaded, under-protected little systems.

The Soy Experiment Continues

2008-12-08T19:25:00.000-05:00

We are still soy-free and she is still clear of fog. It hasn't helped her tantrums or explosions, she still gets those. But she has not stumbled around in a daze since that last day after I gave her the gfcf waffles with soy in them and she was a zombie. I don't use margerine anymore because it doesn't exist without soy in it. I use organic vegetable shortening on her toast. We have bee using a lot more olive oil too because she really likes it and it is good for her. She seems to not have had any awful sensory issues recently, just normal levels, no awful sudden spikes for no reason I can figure out.

I have been slacking on her b12 shots. She was going through this awful back lash to it, screaming while we held her down to give her the shot. So it has been about a week since her last one and I'm feeling a bit guilty about it. I'm wondering if that will help her language and maybe her ability to not freak out over transitioning if I get the shots going again.

She has done a few different ticks over the past few weeks but seems to have settled on a cough that comes mostly at night. Someone suggested that it is a calming tool for herself. I hope that is right and it is not that she is uncomfortable and kept up by her cough.

I really hope that being strict about her soy is the key to keeping the fog clear. I love that she hasn't been stumbling around recently. She has been having little conversations with O over the past few days. In the car home from her school today she asked him about 3 questions about his day and his class at school.

I have been printing out worksheets so that she can work on her handwriting. She writes her Y's backwards in her name all the time and they don't seem to be working on correcting that at school. So we have been practicing at home and I have some gfcfsf chocolate chips that she gets after completing her worksheets. I hang them up on the wall too and switch them out each day. After she finally gets her name right and neat and tidy then we will start working on her last name with includes a backwards S. She writes lots of her numbers backwards too so that is behind her S's.

I have been getting O to do the worksheets too. He is very advanced in everything except handwriting, which I mean, he is only 3 so it doesn't matter. But it will be nice to practice so that he can start to write all of his good ideas down. I know he has the brain for it, I'm just not sure about the hand coordination since he is so young.

2 weeks until my younger sister's wedding. I have so much to do. AJ is doing her strange cough over and over and over.
me.

Happy Christmas Memory Made Today

2008-12-05T00:47:00.000-05:00

AJ was so excited and such a big help decorating the Christmas tree this evening. She hung ornaments carefully all over the tree. This is the first year that I didn't have to convince her to hang at least one or two ornaments. She dug into the boxes and found the ones she like and hung them very happily. She was so into it, like with her online games, it was really fun to see. O was really into it too and it was fun to all three be decorating the tree. I put on some Raffi Christmas music and that kind of completed it. DH was at band practice so he missed out, but we had all gone earlier to pick out the tree together which was really fun too...no major melt downs and it wasn't freezing cold.

AJ was a bit explosive this afternoon and I had to put her in time out for hitting me with O's jacket because I interfered with her online video she was watching on Noggin.com, sigh, but one thing that I have been noticing lately, is that since I taught her to make fake crying noises when she does something that she should cry about...such as fall and hurt herself or if she gets in trouble, I have noticed real tears starting to form. It is so weird to have to teach your little girl to cry. Most people are saying "don't cry" and I say, "you are doing such a good job crying." I have to be careful not to say, "don't cry, don't be sad" because she thinks I am really telling her to stop and doesn't realize I am just showing emotion.

Tonight at bedtime O fell asleep by himself no problem and I rubbed AJ's feet until she fell asleep, since DH is worried about giving her melatonin every night.

me.

2008-12-03T23:32:00.000-05:00

Let me start by saying that removing soy completely from AJ's diet has worked wonders. We used to give her food with just a little bit of soy in it, like margerine and some GFCF waffles. But I have since discovered then when she has no soy at all, she is "with us" but when she does have soy, like in the GFCF waffles, she is in lala land. I hope that we have found the secret to keeping her vocal and attentive. I will post again and see if this is consistent for more than two weeks.

So I am 27 weeks pregnant today. That is about how far along my older sister was when she came to visit me a few weeks before she passed at 32 weeks preg.

I have been dealing with something really hard core. Her husband told me a couple of days ago that they tried to save the baby. That he was taken from the scene, to the hospital, but he didn't make it. I had always thought that he died with her, in her belly, but hearing this threw me back into terrible grief again. After kind of figuring out how to separate her from the accident, I suddenly had to learn how to separate the baby from the accident and I am still dealing with it, still reeling from how horrible it is.

People say that they believe in angels. Where was my sister's angel? and why wasn't she her baby's angel? I have to figure out how to love the world anyway and the weird thing is, is that I do. I love that she had time with us, more than I hate what happened to her. I know that horrible things happen to people all the time but we always hope that we are exempt and that this stuff happens to other people...that we are the star of the story and they are all the characters that we read about.

But now I know that I could be gone tomorrow, that my kids could loose me or vice versa and I have to learn to not worry about it or I simply have no life. So I have kind of figured out how to go on and be happy anyway. Right now the baby in my belly is kicking away. It brings me so much joy but I am also shell shocked knowing exactly what my sister felt the last few weeks of her life. I also feel like there is this little life inside of me. There is this little personality and I when I feel my belly I can make out a head or a butt or a little foot. With the first two pregnancies it seemed like I had aliens moving around in my belly. This time it feels different. I know that there is a real little baby in there, my little one just growing and chilling out and getting bigger. He/she can even breath on his/her own if born right now. And these thoughts slam me back to my sister's baby. I don't know how long he was alive, if he even made it to the hospital. I think about how someone held him in their arms and it is a stunning thought. I kind of want to know who it was and what color the baby's eyes and hair were. But at the same time I want to leave it be and not ripple the waters more than they are, because no matter how much I find out, the outcome will be the same. I don't know how much more I want in my brain to make stories out of. I don't need any more answers that create more questions than before the answer was given...if that makes any sense.

DH said that he doesn't want me to grieve. He wants me to send "happy hormones" to the baby. And then I feel how unfair it is that I get this chance at being pregnant and having another baby while she was robbed of life and motherhood. I feel like I am stumbling through this in a way, thinking that at any second it could be taken away from me like it was her. Since she was older, i always followed in her footsteps...but not this, not this.

DH plays video games while I tell him about what I have been thinking and how I have been grieving and I cry and he plays video games until I tell him to turn it off and give me a hug. And he does, when I tell him to. I think that I have developed this kind of tolerance of him having no idea how to deal with this, because AJ needs to be told basic social things and I guess she got it from her daddy. So I don't get mad at him for playing video games while I cry about my sister. I just tell him what he can do to help me and when he willingly does it I am amazed at how he is so like AJ. His eye contact with strangers is terrible too. In fact, I can never ask him to get our waiter or waitress in restaurants because he won't look at their faces ever so he can't recognize them to ask them for something.

So a few other things that have slammed me back into grief mode is that I saw a fatal accident yesterday. I just went home and went to bed for 4 hours and made DH come home and watch the kids while I just waited for the shock to go away. Also my sister's husband brought me her sewing stuff. She has these amazing sewing machines, a Surger (which I never knew what one was until he brought it today...even though she had told me all about it before.) And another fancy machine I have no idea how to use. He brought tubs of remarkably organized thread and tubs of fabrics she had collected...some from little stores in her town and some from England when she went there with her husband last year. So now it is all piled in our living room until I figure out where to put it. I was thinking about putting it under my bed but I don't want to have weird dreams. Her husband also brought me her amazing mountain bike that she got when she was in college. The thing is, she would never have let me touch this stuff and now here it is in my shed and living room. My younger sister and my mom are both wonderful at sewing and neither of them want the machines. They can't deal with it. I feel closer to her when I look at her stuff and look at the fabrics and see the little sketches she drew of purses and a dress that she was going to make. I think that maybe I will try to make it in honor of her. My younger sister said she couldn't deal with that and that I can and that I have dealt with it head on right from the beginning. She said she could never had made a photo montage for the funeral like I did. I told her that making that video photo montage of her life was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life and I did it because mom asked me to and I obviously would have done anything for mom at that point...anything. DH helped me with it too when I would break down. My younger sister said that she just doesn't let any of it seep up. I don't really know what that means.

Speaking of my younger sister, she is having her wedding here in three weeks. I will write more about that next time .
me.

Why I Chose this OBGYN

2008-11-18T05:13:00.000-05:00

So my new OBGYN...here goes:

After finding out that I needed to get a scan by Nov 21st to remain at my current OBGYN's practice, I wasn't sure what to do. I eventually, one morning decided that I would just get the ultrasound and this way I could make sure that the baby was Ok and what sex it was too so we could prepare more easily and be able to get the kids excited about it. AJ is sure we are having a girl so it would be nice to be able to give her a solid answer she could get used to. I told DH this when I woke up in the mornign and he said he thought I was making the right decision and he was glad I was going to be able to stay with the midwives that I liked and not have to worry about this anymore.

But when I picked up the phone to make the phone call I couldn't do it. I sat there with the phone in my hand and thought about how I was being pressured into care that was not right for me because they were worried about liability, not because they thought I was wrong about not having the scan. It seemed to me that if they couldn't adjust their care plan for me, that I needed to go somewhere that could. I thought about the articles and the studies I had read. I couldn't get it out of my head that the book, "The Out Of Synch Child" was on the same shelf as "What to Expect When You Are Expecting" at Books a Million. And I couldn't get out of my head that email I got from babycenter.com saying that at 20 weeks is when the "sensory organs are all developing." I also couldn't get out of my head that I knew back when AJ was a baby that there was a question about getting her those flu shots with thimerasol in them. But I let the doctor talk me into thinking I was doing the right thing, and then I watched my baby regress so much so quickly that it was really scary.

So while holding the phone I called my younger sister instead of Northside. She said that either way she knew I would make the right decision. Hm... that didn't help. So I called my dad at his work and told him the story from beginning to end, and he advised me to go to the birth center.

There was one more place I could call. My friend, Suzanne had told me about it. She had birthed her first child there. But it was different now. When she was there there were 3 midwives and now there was only one. The hospital they were affiliated with was closing in a year, so it seemed like they were phasing things out. They used to have a place where a person could deliver at their practice rather than the hospital, but they don't do that anymore. I had tried calling them a week ago and left a message for the midwife to call me but she never called me back. So I decided to try again, just so I would know all of my options before making the final decision. I called and asked where they were located and then drove me and O there (since this was after his preschool got out)

When I got to the practice I was not impressed. It was in a grimy small strip mall next to a convenient store with bars on the window. It had a small old sign out front and I thought about just leaving but then decided to at least check it out so I would know all of my options before making a decision. O and I went inside and it was a bit grimy in the waiting room. I asked if I could speak to the midwife if she wasn't too busy and they brought me back to a type of conference room with a clock on the wall that was stopped, empty shelves, and old large desk and a musty smell in the air. When Lilly the midwife came in I told her about what was going on at Northside Hospital and she said that she thought I should just get the ultrasound. When I started to go into why I didn't want one she cut me off and said that she didn't care if I had the ultrasound or not, that she and the dr there would not require me to get it and that it wasn't an issue. She said that if I wanted her to care for me that it would be a pleasure to see someone who had planned to have the baby, who wanted to have the baby and who was interested in natural birth. I got the impression she was used to dealing with a whole different set of moms to be than who were going to Northside Midwives. She was really nice but I wasn't feeling like I wanted to be at a practice where the mom's weren't excited about having their babies and where it was not clean and warm and well, inviting at all.
So when I was walking out I asked about the hospital she was affiliated with. General Hospital was across the street from them and also quite close to my house. She said that if I wanted to have a look at the labor and delivery floor that someone would probably show me around.

So my next and final stop was labor and delivery at General Hospital. O and I went to the elevators that took so long to open that I almost left. I kept thinking that if I was in labor this would not be cool right now. But O loves elevators and he would have had a fit if we almost got to ride on one but then left. So we stuck it out and eventually made it to the 3rd floor. When the doors opened I couldn't believe how cute the lobby was. We walked out into a beautiful, clean, cute and inviting room. Then I looked through the door there and saw the nurse desk and hallways of labor and delivery. I looked for a way to be buzzed in and didn't see one, so I tried the door and was pretty much stunned that it opened and that it wasn't kept locked and under tight security like at Northside and where I had birthed O and AJ. I didn't like that at all. But when I walked in there the nurses looked up and smiled and when I looked around it was so sweet and warm and clean with cute pictures on the wall. The hallways were carpeted and not concrete. It just looked like a really really nice place to have a baby. It looked nicer, cleaner and more inviting than Northside.
One of the nurses showed me around and we went and looked at an open delivery room. It was in pristine condition and she picked up a wireless monitor and said that each room had one so I could walk around and move while I was laboring and not be confined to a bed.

So I decided that it would be nice to have the baby here because it was close to my house, so I could do most of the laboring at home, and because I wouldn't have to get an ultrasound...but I would be in a hospital if anything went wrong and they had a nic unit there also. I would be able to keep the baby in my room too. The only problem is that I would have to have round the clock family keeping an eye on my baby since I would be paranoid about the lack of security...not because it is in a bad area or anything, just because when I am a new mom I am intense about keeping the baby in family's hands and sight at all times. I guess I have a mistrust of society that kicks in hardcore for those first couple of days after my little one is born. It is kind of a shame really. It would be so much easier to be trusting and be able to sleep and send the baby to the nursery and such with no worries. But its not going to happen. It was going to be weird to have my prenatal care at a place that I wasn't too excited about, but I figured if the midwife is good (they raved about her at the hospital) that it would be OK.

So there is my long post about my experience with trying to find a place to have the baby. I am 25 weeks preg tomorrow. The little one is dong flips in my belly quite often. Exciting stuff...I'm so glad I made a decision and that I don't have to think about this anymore.

Let me end by saying that the main midwife at Northside told me that regarding my concern with the scans, that I was "probably way ahead of everyone on this one." If she is right, then perhaps this was all worth it.

me.

Major Bad Parent Mistake #1 (many more to come I'm sure)

2008-11-17T23:25:00.000-05:00

I'll write about the new OBGYN tomorrow. Today I'm going to write about O. Yesterday we went to the mall and I asked O to pick out a present for his school friend, Elle's party that was today. He picked out a $10 gift of two matchbox cars from the movie, "Cars." He was so proud of his choice that I just bought them and thought that I liked cars as a little girl so it is OK to give them as a present to a little girl.
But today while he was at preschool and I was back at the mall (getting them winter jackets) I saw some cute little dolls at the Childrens' Place that were only $10 and looked a lot more fun to give to her at the party that afternon than two matchbox cars. So I bought one, wrapped it up and gave it to O to give to his friend. I didn't mention to him that it was not the cars, but a doll. I was a little embarrassed at that moment at the gender labels I was solidifying. I didn't think he would ever know or be affected by it though because these days no one ever opens their gifts at their party. I figured it would be no big deal. I was right. We left before she opened them.

Then when we got home after a long day, he walked in the front door and there were the match box cars by the front door. I forgot to put them away. He picked them up and showed them to me and shouted, "We forgot the present!!!!!"
Instead of just telling him that I got her a doll instead I said, "There were cars in there. I bought two of them so you could have one and she could have one."
He looked a bit confused. I said, 'You can have these at Christmas time. I will put them away for now.
He said, 'I don't want them at Christmas, I want them at fall!!"
He very rarely gets spontaneous gifts, and I felt so guilty for my dumb lie that I just said OK and gave him the cars, pulling them out of the packaging and giving them to him.
So then at bed time he was holding the cars and he started crying. I asked him what was wrong and he said that there was nothing in the box that we gave Elle today. I said that there was a present in the box and I wouldn't give her an empty box.
He said, "NO, I checked, there was nothing in there!!"
The box was sealed well, there was no way he could have checked, but he is such a smart kid that he probably wondered why the box was so light, as this was a stuffed doll, not the heavy little cars. I decided to level with him and said, "I bought her a doll and put it in the box."
Now he was utterly confused and I was in a pickle. He said that he wanted to put the cars back in the packaging we had just taken them out of and give them to Elle tomorrow. He kept saying that the present box we gave her was empty.

His sophistication of his indignant protests was stunning. My heart was breaking as he cried because of how my ballooning white lies and bad decisions were affecting him.

So tomorrow I will go to Sears and get another packet of cars, the same one and bring it to his preschool so that he can give it to Elle. I won't really be making up for lying to him. I won't be fixing the confusion of the stories changing and possibly loosing his trust in me. But it is one small thing I can do to try and make up for it. I might even keep him out of preschool and take him with me to Sears and he can help me wrap it. I don't know. I don't want to make too big of a deal out of it but I need to follow through with something solid that makes sense to him.

So that was my bad parent vent. I know I will make many more mistakes but I have learned that even though O is 3, he is a very very smart little person and that I must always be honest with him, even if it inconvenient. Because the alternative is unfair and just well, pretty much awful.
me.

2008-11-13T06:34:00.000-05:00

It is 6:30am and I have been up since 4. AJ came in our room and got in bed with us then didn't get back to sleep for two hours. Now she is fast asleep. Not me. DH got up and went to sleep in her bed so we would have room and because she wiggles for hours so no one sleeps. Tomorrow, well, this morning I am going to talk to him about what we can do to get her back in her bed since when the baby comes I can't be up all night with both of them. At least O has been sleeping through the night these past few days. AJ seems to wake up in wee hours of the morning when we give her melatonin.

Today I am going to call her pediatrician and tell her about what I wrote in my previous blog. We shall see what she says.

So I am 24 weeks preg now. The baby is doing summersaults constantly. I love that feeling! I got one ultrasound at 10 weeks and he/she looked great. Then they scheduled me for a 3D ultrasound at 20 weeks and I remembered something weird that my sister told me about her 20 week ultrasound. She said it was funny because it looked like the baby was running away from the scanner thingy the whole time. I thought that was kind of weird. So I looked up ultra sounds and autism and just like everything else, there is someone who says there is a connection. So I looked some more to try and have my research be even and not just take the word of a youtuber. I found a study by Yale done in 1996 that shows that ultrasounds cause displaced brain cell placement in mice. They went on to say why this applied to human babies too. You can find the article on the Autism Speaks website if you search under ultrasound.

So I thought to myself, well, no biggie, since I already had an ultrasound and things looked good, I just wont' get the 20 week one so I won't have to worry or think about it anymore. Then I went in for my check up and when I told my midwife, Jane, that I cancelled my ultrasound and that I decided not to have one, she kind of freaked out. She said that the doctors who own the practice would not be OK with that. She said that for liability reasons I had to get the ultrasound done or they wouldn't see me anymore.
I left feeling kind of shocked. I thought that I should just get the scan and forget about it. But at the same time I was annoyed that they were choosing liability issues over the individual care of the patient. I totally understand why they would, but I didn't really want to be a part of it.

So...I went to the birth center in town and spoke with the midwives there. I loved it there and it is only minutes from my house. But they don't offer the option of an epidural which is a bit scary but I thought would be the right option for me. I decided to go to the birth center. Then that night, I woke up in a panick, remembering when I got an epidural with O and telling myself that if I was dumb enough to have a third, to not try and do it without an epidural. I remember burning that into my brain, that I never wanted to feel that strength of a 9cm contraction ever again in my whole life.

I talked to DH about it and he said he didn't want me at the birth center. He said he wanted me and the baby at a hospital so if anything went wrong we would have immediate care. So now that left me in this weird position of do I just get the scan and stay at Northside Hospital? Or do I suck it up and go to the birth center?

My friend suggested that I go and talk to the doctor in charge at Northside. So I made the appt and DH and I went in to see her. She said that she agreed with me, that all of my reasons and arguments and points were valid and true. BUT she still couldn't risk the liability because in the rare chance that there was something wrong with the baby, I could sue her and say that she didn't councel me properly on why I needed it done.

for 3 weeks , between 21 and 24 weeks preg I had no baby care practice to go to. That was kind of stressful to be that far along and out in limbo. Then a friend told me about another place. This other place is the one that I chose. I will blog about that tomorrow :)
me.

Is she having seizures?

2008-11-12T23:52:00.000-05:00

So today we I piked A up from school and me, A and O went to the University Therapy building for A's usual Wednesday OT and Social Skills class. We have a break between OT and Social Skills and so the kids play in the waiting room with the other kids and it is like a mad house in there. I talk to the other moms and it is very interesting hearing how they deal with their children's disabilities and gifts. When the SLP came out and called A to come in for her class, as usual she was spaced out and it took calling her a name a few times to get her attention and then she went with her therapist to do her little class.
The weird part...the part I am leading up to is one of the moms I talk to came up to me and sat down and she looked pretty nervous. I really like this mom. She is an amazing person who homeschools her kids and her typical daughter is the sweetest little girl ever and is so kind to the children there who have disabilities and is never rude. Her brother goes there for therapy. He has CP and seizures. Well, this mom said to me, "I really hope I don't offend you but I think that I need to share this with you."
That kind of scared me because I tend to say some dumb things sometimes and wondered if she was going to call me out on something that I said that was controversial or odd. But I decided to keep an open mind and not get too worried.
I told her that it was OK and to let me know what was up.
She told me that when A was being called by her therapist to come with her and how A just was standing there staring out of the side of her eyes at nothing, then seemed startled out of it by the therapist calling her name, as if she were waking up out of something...she said that this was exactly what her son, Nathan did when he was having his absence seizures. She said that Nathan is on medication for it and is doing really amazingly well. She said that the seizures cause regression, and could have been the cause of A's sudden regression at age 2 and that they can be treated so that she stops spacing out all the time.
I told this mom that A had an EEG before and there were no seizures. she said that absence seizures can be once every 4 hours and that the half hour study could have simply missed them. She said that A needs a 24 hours study.
I asked for the name of her doctor and he is 3 hours from our town. But I am going to call our pediatrician tomorrow and talk to her about it and see what she says.
Wish me luck. I hope this is truly something treatable.
me.

pregnancy, grief, joy, confusion, resolution

2008-08-28T02:54:00.000-04:00

I am 12-13 weeks now and reeling from how pregnant I feel, so early on in my pregnancy. My belly is like a round hard ball and I wake up at night from the discomfort, and this isn't supposed to be happening yet right?!! Oh well, whatev.
I am trying to balance discomfort, joy and grief all in one. When I wake up at night I have to try and figure out what I am waking up about. Is it because my belly is bloated and feels like a balloon? Or is it because I am fiercely grieving over my sister and her baby. Tonight I think it is about her baby as I think about mine.
DH's band played last night. We left the kids with my parents, they went to sleep at their house, and I got to go and hang out and see the band. John dedicated the last song to his partner and to me too and he said, "and baby makes 3, wait, no, 5."
It was nice to get out and see some bands play and sit in a booth outside with fans blowing so it felt good, not too warm. I could see into the little gift shop as they played, and all the hanging mobiles were glinting in the lights and moving around from the wind coming from all the fans. All the colors and the lights reflecting from the mirrored ones, were quite beautiful. I would listen to DH on the pedal steel and watch the mobiles and was surprised at how good I felt. There was no anxiety, no worries about the kids or baby. I kept a check on the grief and even thought of how when I see something beautiful now, that I wonder if she is there in the beauty somehow. Like a few months after she passed away I saw an amazing sunset behind some branches of trees and a breeze. It was pretty in the way that is surprising, like it it sitting there in the normal world but surpassing normality, and you think of the word magical, and now when that comes up I think of my sister being a part of that. If she is not part of the tangible world, she must be a part of the magical one, where things kind of have their own life beyond ours.
I don't know.
I'm supposed to go to sleep now on this uncomfortable bed. Wish me luck. It is 3:06am.
me.