I am 12-13 weeks now and reeling from how pregnant I feel, so early on in my pregnancy. My belly is like a round hard ball and I wake up at night from the discomfort, and this isn't supposed to be happening yet right?!! Oh well, whatev.
I am trying to balance discomfort, joy and grief all in one. When I wake up at night I have to try and figure out what I am waking up about. Is it because my belly is bloated and feels like a balloon? Or is it because I am fiercely grieving over my sister and her baby. Tonight I think it is about her baby as I think about mine.
DH's band played last night. We left the kids with my parents, they went to sleep at their house, and I got to go and hang out and see the band. John dedicated the last song to his partner and to me too and he said, "and baby makes 3, wait, no, 5."
It was nice to get out and see some bands play and sit in a booth outside with fans blowing so it felt good, not too warm. I could see into the little gift shop as they played, and all the hanging mobiles were glinting in the lights and moving around from the wind coming from all the fans. All the colors and the lights reflecting from the mirrored ones, were quite beautiful. I would listen to DH on the pedal steel and watch the mobiles and was surprised at how good I felt. There was no anxiety, no worries about the kids or baby. I kept a check on the grief and even thought of how when I see something beautiful now, that I wonder if she is there in the beauty somehow. Like a few months after she passed away I saw an amazing sunset behind some branches of trees and a breeze. It was pretty in the way that is surprising, like it it sitting there in the normal world but surpassing normality, and you think of the word magical, and now when that comes up I think of my sister being a part of that. If she is not part of the tangible world, she must be a part of the magical one, where things kind of have their own life beyond ours.
I don't know.
I'm supposed to go to sleep now on this uncomfortable bed. Wish me luck. It is 3:06am.
me.
