Mother's Day Grief and a Stint in the ER

So I booked a wedding a while ago that we will film in Philadelphia. They are going to fly us out there and pay for a hotel for 2 nights. We are leaving in two weeks. I knew that we would be flying out the day after my sister's birthday but I didn't realize that the pain leading up to that day would be so shocking. How am I going to film a wedding two days after her birthday? They better not play Dancing Queen at the reception.

The sister I"m talking about is my older sister. The sister that is I don't know where she is now because she died in a car accident and I don't understand or have a fixed idea about where you go after you die, after she died, or her baby, because she was 7 months pregnant. Today is mothers day. We just acted like everything was normal today. But through it all, even though I didn't cry or see my mom cry, today was the most painful most awful most...wrong mothers day because it was supposed to be her first. And I could write about autism, I could write about being a mom to a little one with autism, but my sister didn't get to see what it was like to be a mom at all, none of the joy or the pain. She is just gone and I don't know where she is or perhaps there is a slim chance she is holding her baby somewhere in some kind of heaven. I don't know. Maybe it will make more sense someday but not right now.

So happy mothers day to me to my mom and to my sister wherever you are. I miss you.

I read her card from last mothers day and it was amazing and she thanked me for being an amazing mom and a wonderful sister. Her handwriting is so bubbly. I guess I will look at it every year as long as I am alive I suppose.

That is my autism blog. Sorry it is not more about autism. Perhaps I could end the blog like this. The sudden and unwanted understanding of the fragility of life, puts things into perspective. How lucky we are to be able to love and hold our children. And yes, I do only think it is luck, because how could there possibly be a reason that my loyal, intelligent and amazing sister who was so excited to be a mom...how could there be a reason for her life to be taken so violently? There isn't one. There isn't one.
me.


So right after I finished writing that last night I head O coughing a croupy cough and ended up having to call an ambulance because he couldn't breathe. It was really really scary.

Today though, everything is better. They took him in and fixed him up at the hospital and now my baby is just fine. I keep getting slammed from one emotional roller coaster to the next. But I sit here just fine too somehow. I guess this is just life.
me.