Friendship Put To The Test

Tonight I talked to my best friend, Taylor (since 7th grade) who's daughter, Maddie, is A.J.'s exact age. We were pregnant together with our girls. Taylor talked about how Maddie is all into soccer now and scores goals and she is really good. It was hard to listen without a little resentment, even though I am happy for them at the same time. It is very difficult to feel like that. It is sometimes easier to avoid even talking to her, to avoid the pain of hearing what A.J. would be doing if she didn't have autism. But I don't settle for that and keep working on one of my most important friendships, if not thee most important.

A.J. won't go after a soccer ball, when she does have it, if anyone tries to take it away from her she lets them have it then wanders off the field. When A.J. was 18 months, she would kick the ball around with D.H. all the time and she was an amazing little soccer player. I know that if she didn't have autism she would be so good at it...just a little star. She has the build for it. She isn't a skinny little thing like I was as a small child. She is muscular and solid like D.H. I find myself hoping that maybe....maybe, if I keep working on researching her treatments and the right nutrition, that maybe there is still a chance that she will aquire the confidence and skill it would take for her to be the star soccer player she was meant to be, before this thing...this autism crap robbed her of her gross motor skills. It robbed her of her fine motor skills too...she can barely cut paper. She is aware now of these difficulties she has and so I am going to try to help her. I want her to be able to ride a bike with us, like Maddie does all the time. I want that.

I don't think that Taylor knows that it is not OK to me that A.J. can't play soccer. I haven't come to terms with it and I haven't let go of the dream that she will be able to get "it" all back...the old A.J. before the autism regression. I don't want to lump A.J. into the autism catagory that does not recover. I want her to be one of these kids that gets better, that is able to ride a bike and run after a ball. So when Taylor puts A.J. in the category of other children she knows with autism, although it makes sense, I don't want to hear that Taylor has settled with A.J. being not as skilled as Maddie at soccer. A.J. is obviously not as skilled...but like I said...that is not OK with me and talking about it pretty much breaks my heart. It also breaks my heart that such an important friendship is so often put to the test because of this. Taylor is there for me and understands me in a way that no one else does. So sometimes I just can't beleive how she has no understanding of this whatsoever. I have tried to talk to her about it, but it is like she keeps forgetting or something. But on the other hand, she needs to be able to talk to me about her daughter. I know that. How do I ask her to leave out the soccer...and the reading...and cutting paper and wrapping Christmas presents by herself and the amazing and wonderful stuff Maddie does? How, as a best friend can I ask her not to share the triumphs of her little girl with me...that A.J. is so far away from doing? I don't. I don't and I just listen and I am sad and freaked out at how different our worlds are, and then I get over it. But sometimes I don't feel like being sad so I find myself calling her less often. But I miss her. Maybe I'll tell her.

me.