Obsessive Doll Arranging

So I decided there are worse things than a husband buying a keyboard for his beloved band. I decided I didn't feeling being mad so I just let it go.

AJ has been obsessing over her dolls. When we are out of the house she wants to get home because she "has work to do." She arranges them into piles and decides who are the brothers and sister and arranges them in to classes and grades. She didn't want to go to sleep tonight because she had "lots of work to do." I think I am going to do what I did before and allow her 6 or 10 dolls at a time because she seems to have about 50 little dolls again. Then she can switch them out each day for different ones. But she gets overwhelmed and obsessive over having so many. I think she will be happier without so much work to do. We will play it by ear, I don't want to take away what she loves, but I have a feeling there will be some relief involved if we cut it way down.

me

this sucks

I'm kind of freaking out right now. DH told me that he bought a midi keyboard for his band. This is at a time when we have no money and I have been busting my butt to get wedding video bookings and editing whenever I get a second between taking care of the 3 kids. The keyboard was $250. I feel like he is pissing away my hard work...on his band. He said he bought it because I got a booking and 2 more inquiries. I have been so stressed lately with trying to keep the business going so we can pay our mortgage, so stressed that it made me sick with this shingles..which you only get when your immune system is compromised and/or if you are suffering from severe stress.

If I spend too much money it is because I went to Gymboree and went a bit nuts on the sale rack or something. It is always for the kids or our family. I am so disappointed that his splurge is for the band while our family is suffering severe money issues. There is so much we could do with $250 right now for the business. This recession is kicking my ass.

His band is really good. They are getting ready to release a new album and go on tour. He loves it and I try hard to support him. But tonight...I hate it. Tomorrow I will gather myself up again and look on the bright side again. Now, I think I will make myself a cup of decaf tea to try and get rid of this migraine, and maybe find something mindless on TV.

me.

The happy panicker

Good afternoon. This morning I slept and slept while DH made blueberry pancakes for the kids and did laundry and then cleaned the kitchen. Please call me the luckiest person in the world. 

Acutally he probably did it because I had really bad anxiety last night for the first time in a long time. I actually had gone to sleep at 10 then woke up at midnight in a panic. I called to DH who finished up his video game level then came in to see what I needed. I told him my skin hurt and I was panicking. I told him that I didn't want to look at these same f....ing walls. He said that the laptop was right there and so was my iphone. I said no, I need a book or photos or something. He left and came back with a big wad of photos from the photo drawer, many of which were from our wedding. That made me smile and we went through them together. Then when we got to the photo of my parent's old house at Christmas time I started to cry. They sold that house yesterday. It was on the market for over a year, almost 2 years I guess. It is a huge 5 bedroom 3 bath, two story red brick house with a huge front and back yard and our swing on the oak tree out back. They sold it for $175,000 which is digustingly low for that amazing house...my childhood house. But the people buying are really excited about it, which makes it better for some reason. 

So I realized that is why I woke up panicking. I also was panicking for a very, very, weird reason. It was this video, this short 4 minute story that I watched right before bed and then seemingly for hours, played in my head like clockwork till I woke up freaking out. If you watch it and can figure out why I was panicking about it, I'd love to hear your theory because I have none. p.s. he didn't give them 50cents.

me.

a couple of things

OK this Shingles stuff is a bit more uncomfortable now. It isn't so uncomfortable that it makes me panicky, and it isn't worse than a headache or stomach ache, in fact it is still better than either of those. But my skin is starting to hurt and my neck is sore too. The weird thing is that it looks like the rash is starting to clear up. This evening I told DH that I think I am getting sick because my neck aches an my skin hurts. He said "You are sick. You have shingles."

"Oh yea."

But my skin hurts all over, not just near the rash, which is what happens when I am getting sick.

Tonight something wonderful happened. I lay down with AJ for a while as she was going to sleep and we chatted a bit. She will chat with me to keep me there since she likes having company when she is fighting going to sleep. So I get to chat. When we were done I told her thank you for talking to me and that I love talking with her. She said, "Mom, you make my heart super happy."

I just about cried right then and there. She is such a beautiful child. I just want to keep her safe and happy every second of her life. I think it is good enough now though that we love each other and hang out a whole bunch.

me.