Catch up blog:

I did put the kids in the same room and now we have a lovely baby room that we put together this weekend. I cleaned the house so it was spotless and put all the clean laundry away so everything is now organized.

I have not talked to my dad about the love letter Christmas card. I'm not sure if I am going to. A friend told me that it was a huge stress to take 0n and this might be something I should leave for my parents to work out between themselves. I don't know, but for now I am going to lie low.

So we are back to freak out phase again. AJ has decided to start hitting. Yesterday when I put her in time out she leaned back and kicked my belly hard. I told her she was grounded from ice cream(rice cream)  for a week. Tonight when she had to clean up or time out she hit me again in the belly. I was so angry I spanked her and she laughed. I don't want to spank her, I don't think it helps and it only make me look and feel like things are completely out of control. But I am so, so sad that she is hitting my belly. It makes me dislike her and she is my own daughter. There is nothing that makes me more angry than her showing violence towards the baby. When I spanked her I wanted her to cry and be sorry but she laughed and lay on her back on her bed and kicked in the air. I felt like I was on a bad episode of Super Nanny. I really could have used Super Nanny tonight. I can't leave AJ and shut the door because she destroys everything in her room. I have to sit there and hold her down.  And I just can't believe it when she struggles to get free so she can hit again. She knows there is a baby in there. We talk about it all the time and she constantly want to look at and feel my belly. When she climbs on my bed for a hug we talk about how she has to climb on the bottom of the bed and come around so she doesn't squoosh my belly. She understands that there is a baby in there and that mommy and baby can be hurt by squooshing the belly. She even knows not to touch  my belly button because I tell her it is sensitive. That is why I feel such anger when she hits it because she knows the severity of it. I need to take a time out myself. When I take her away from the situation and sit with her, it is like giving her what she wants. She wanted to not clean up, she likes sitting with mommy, acting out gets her attention. But like I said, if I leave her she destroys her room. I have to think of a plan that involves no hitting on my part,  and of not loosing my cool, no matter what.

So she finally settled down and I said I was done for the night. DH is doing the going in every 10 minutes thing to check on her tonight. We bribe her to stay in bed by saying if you are in bed in 10 minutes we will sit with you for a minute and give you a kiss and a hug. But if she is out of bed we leave.  So DH is in there with her now. I am disgusted and I feel like a terrible mom for being so angry and disappointed and worried and struggling with not holding a grudge against my autistic 5-year-old.  It is just that my belly is so huge now. It is sticking out like a watermelon, I am getting constant comments, and AJ is using it as a punching bag. I want to keep her at a distance at a time that I know she needs me more than ever. But how on Earth do I teach her not not hit and to especially not hit my belly? Why doesn't she  understand that? Why isn't that ingrained in her being and what does this mean when she is a teenager if she so obviously have no self control or concept of not crossing the line.  She is up crying "ma ma" now and I just went and told her that if she hits, mama is done. And I left. I guess that is a way to get her to understand the severity, to not go back and act like everything is OK. 

#2 The kids are having a joint birthday party at a local gym on Sat the 21st. Almost everyone that Owen has invited has already RSVPd and said they are coming. Only one girl from AJ's class has RSVP'd and that is it. So far she has 1 classmate coming to her birthday party and Owen has 8. 

#3 AJ went back to school this Monday morning after being out for a whole week. When her classmate came back to school after being out for a week, everyone gathered around her and gave her a hug. No one greeted AJ. When she went to look at what the boys were doing, Jad gave her a stern look, then looked around for me and looked back at me and saw me looking at him and he looked down at the ground and didn't tell her to get lost. 

I just know she is this amazing child and has so  much inside of her but this autism thing just mixes it all up. It makes it so that she can't present or express herself that allows others to see how magical and wonderful she is. She doesn't validate anyone. Oprah said once that she knows how to deal with people because she validates everyone. If she doesn't agree, she still says, "I understand what you are saying...this is my view/comment." But she first says that she understands, which validates people.  This is something that AJ doesn't ever, ever do. Maybe someday I will be able to teach her that. For now we have to get this fog cleared. She was completely clear of fog the whole 7 days she had a fever. Now that she is better she is in a sensory hell-fog. I gave her way too much sugar over the past few days to try and get her to just eat. Two days ago she had rice cream 3 times a day and lots of fruit. So perhaps we are dealing with a yeast problem and perhaps the fevers help to kill that off. I don't know I don't know and once again, I don't know. I guess I need to make another Dr. appt with her "progressive" Dr who is out of town.

#3 On a better note, I had a midwife appt today and she told me that the baby is head down now and no longer sideways. I actually let her do a sonogram. She  said they had a machine and she would do a quick scan. She literally put the scanner on my belly, said yep, that's a head, and stopped. It probably took about 5 seconds, and I knew it would which is why I did it. I love this practice. I went to check out and told them two weeks (instead of 1) and she said OK and scheduled me 2 weeks out. My midwife doesn't check the cervix until 40 weeks so I don't have to worry about being poked and prodded and malled over the last few appts. That definitely appeals to me. I don't know why they do that anyway. Now that I know the baby is head down I feel like I will be able to labor at home for a good amount of time and I don't have to worry about going in as soon as I go into labor incase the baby doesn't turn and I need a C-section.

All is quiet in the kids room. DH gave AJ a melatonin for the first time in over a month and is now watching the Presidential News Conference.

I guess I will do some editing. sigh.

me.

The baby has more room by lying sideways. Perhaps it is already really smart?

Transverse

I looked up "sidways baby pregnant" online and found out that my baby is in the transverse position. This happens 1 in 2500 births according to the last website I looked at. It is risky if my water breaks apparently and I have to get a C-section as soon as I go into labor. I'm starting to kind of wish I was at the other, more organized practice. Maybe I should have gotten that ultrasound.

But...I am going to try acupuncture since that is what got my friend's baby to turn. I have a few weeks too. But why does this little one have to bee so different already when I so yearn for normal and boring.

I cleaned the house tonight after finishing a wedding video I promised would be out this week. I have been very busy working because of this wedding and the photo montage I overnighted on Tuesday. So when I was done with this wedding and waiting for the DVD to render (it takes hours) I cleaned the house. I was furious with DH for playing video games while I cleaned and eventually turned the Playstation off in the middle of his soccer match. He went into our room in a huff. I know it was very rude to do but oh so satisfying. I almost apologized to him an hour afterwards, but since I was still cleaning away and he was lying in bed watching TV shows on the laptop, I decided I didn't feel like apologizing. 

AJ has no fever tonight for the first time in 7 days, but I am going to keep her home tomorrow anyway and so she will be fresh and healthy and ready for school on Monday. She barely ate again today and her stomach has been off all day. So she needs some time to fully recover and this weekend will be the time she needs. The house was a disaster and I feel so much better now that it is tidy. I still have to do a big clean this weekend. We have all Ikea furniature and it cleans up quite nicely. 

DH's Dad has been emailing me lots of evangelist emails and I think he is kind of sad and looking for answers to why his son died and why he is watching his wife suffer through alzheimers. So I emailed him a picture of AJ and then sent him an email about what is going on, just a chatty one. I need to email him more often so he feels a part of things. 

So this weekend for sure we are going to put AJ and Owen in the same room and have a baby room. Gosh I would love to have one of those rockers in the baby room...a yellow one. But I doubt it will happen. We have way more important stuff to spend our money on right now.

Bye for now,

me.

Sideways

It is almost 6am and I have been awake since 4am. This happened with both of my last pregnancies too so I'm not too worried about it. There is only so long I can lie on my left side and it seems like 5 or 6 hours is the max. AJ is up too and it lying down on the couch. She might have dozed off. We are still dealing with fevers but now they are at 101 which seems low to me now after the 103's of a couple days ago. So no school again tomorrow. That will be 4 days of missing school and I have a feeling I will keep her out on Friday too since she still won't eat more than strawberries for dinner, or lunch for that matter. She usually is such a good eater.

So I have talked to a few friends about my Dad, one who worked with him too and they all think that it was some crazy lady who sent him the card. I tend to agree and I'm not too worried about it anymore. I will talk to my mom about it again soon I think.

So the baby is still sideways. I have never heard of a sideways baby. I have only ever heard of breach or right way round. This should be interesting.
me.

Fever gets rid of sensory issues

We are now on day 4 of AJ's flu. I took her to her pediatrician today after more than 3 days of 103+ fevers and they did a flu test which is a swab on the back of the throat. I didn't know they could do that. And yes, she has it. But her throat, ears and chest are all great. The pediatrician said for having the flu, AJ looks really good and that the fevers aren't too worrysome.

 I told her pediatrician that this flu we have been dealing with is bitter sweet though because AJ seems completely shed of all sensory issues. She is focussed and interested and makes great eye contact. She is calm and if she was like this all the time I would consider her very close to being recovered. I love it when she is like this. She has been sleeping in our bed which usually is awful because she picks at me. But these past few days she is calm and doesn't need to constantly fidgit. Her conversation skills are flowing and make sense and she looks at me while we talk. This is not something that happens like this when AJ is not sick with a fever. I have been getting lots of hugs randomly. It is wonderful. I wish I could bottle it.

But when the fevers get really high she is very sick and very upset and I get really worried about her. We have been doing warm baths when it gets into the high 103's and she hates that but is very well behaved. This whole thing is so odd. I don't know what her body is fighting off while she has a fever but it comes back when her fever and illnesses have gone and her sensory issues kick in again. Why isn't this being studied? I know I am not the only mom saying this.

me.

Falling to Bits

So yesterday my mom and I went out to lunch. She has been grumpy with my dad recently and while we were driving to the restaurant she told me that she was not mad at him but wanted to punish him. I asked her why, a little alarmed. 

I said, "What did he do?"

"When I was opening up the Christmas cards on the morning of Claire's wedding, I looked in it and there was a love note to him. It said, to the man I love, then there was a love note inside."

"What?"

"And it was when all our relatives were sitting around the table. I just handed it to him."

When we got inside the restaurant she pulled the card out of her purse and handed it to me. I read the note that said stuff like, "Why did you stop calling me? I still love you."

Mom told me that Dad just blows it off and said it is some crazy lady from his old work. But she is furious.

I'm angry too but I knew he had contacts like these. He enjoys the attention and he doesn't know how to tell people to get lost. He has no judge of character when it comes to letting crazy people into his life, especially desperate women. He listens, he tries to help and doesn't understand when they are trying to manipulate him because they have a crush on him. He has always been like this. If people are crazy he deems them eccentric and accepts them because he has always been a bit pretty much a social outcast. He is a nice guy and a magnet for people who want to attach themselves to a nice guy.

Recently though, since my sister passed he hasn't been the same and I have a hard time connecting with him. I will never be my sister, whom he had a very close relationship with. And he has just always driven me nuts, even though I love him dearly. 

Now my Mom, who has always been a bit alarmingly impatient with him, feels betrayed. She said she knows that it is some crazy lady from his work but she just can't shake it. He won't talk about it and she doesn't want to press the issue so she is just fuming. He has to live with her anger and she has to too. The thing is that her pain, and my Dad's pain gives too much credit to this person who sent the card. It is not worth their pain.

I don't know what to do. My sister would have known what to do. I told mom pretty  much what I wrote here, that dad just lets people into his life and tries to help them when no one else will and so they "fall in love" with him, because he isn't mean to them. He doesn't find it disgusting when a woman attaches herself to him because she is desperate. He doesn't realize this is not a compliment. My mom appreciated my explanation. But I also told her that if she still has unanswered questions, then she will never get closure and that she needs to bring it up and demand real answers. Maybe that was wrong advice but I don't know, I can't imagine just sitting on this.

For me, I am at a loss. I don't know if I should bring it up or talk to him about it. I was thinking about calling him or going for a walk with him and talking about it with him without any anger and just discussing it with him. I know it isn't my business but it hurts my heart too. My family was my rock and now with my sister's death and then my Mom reading love notes to her husband written by another woman, it just seems like things will never be right again. I know they are not horrible. I don't think my dad is or ever was cheating on her. I do think he might have looked for comfort in someone who wasn't grieving when my sister passed because it is impossible to seek real comfort in someone who is going through the same terrible pain. But what about my mom? It isn't fair for her if he looked for that elsewhere while she struggled on her own.

So I am sad tonight and conflicted. So much stuff is going on but this is sitting at the front of my mind, hence, the blog.

 I don't know what to do. I guess I will keep thinking about it but I feel so sorry for my Mom, and my Dad kind of too.

me.