These past couple of days have been really emotional. I have been shocked at what feels like the baby blues, before the baby is born. The house seems a little in turmoil, I think we are all tired of waiting. The kids are having tantrums, I am tired and useless...not wanting to clean or do anything at all besides sleep. It wasn't like this with the other two. I was so excited. Now I have been nervous about the pain of labor. I am worried about going to the hospital full of strangers and  I keep thinking that after laboring at home for a while I am not going to want to get out of the tub and put clothes on and go to the hospital at transition. At least the weather is warming up this weekend. 

I guess I should be glad since DH's surprise party is tomorrow. I have to make his cake and get stuff for it tomorrow. I hope the kids are better behaved tomorrow. Owen was horrible about leaving the park, which is unusual for him, and AJ freaked out about going to bed and hit and kicked DH when he told her to put her dolls away to go to bed. We had done so well avoiding this. It has been weeks since we have dealt with any hitting or kicking. I guess it is because she wasn't in bed by 7:30 with lights out at 8. We just have to stick to that schedule like crazy or have to deal with the consequences. It worries DH and I though because that type of behavior will be even more difficult with a new born around. He can't seem to put them to bed very well. That stuff doesn't happen when I put the kids to bed. I took a short nap tonight leaving him in charge of bed time.  If I can't even have a rest without order going out the window, how am I going to nurse all day? Hopefully my sling will help.

I realized tonight that I am also dealing with grief for my sister. It is just shocking for me to be doing this without her, and to not be comparing notes and to not be talking about her birth experience. She should be telling me I'm nuts to not get the epidural. I wish there were more people to love this baby, like her and her baby. He should have her as an aunt and her boy as his cousin. The holidays should be nuts. But my family is growing without cousins. 

I don't think I am complaining about that fact, I just want my sister. Right before labor is such a family time. Everyone is so excited. But with Claire in Israel and my parents also freaking out that my older sister isn't experiencing this, it feels kind of alone. Maybe that is why I was so upset when my midwife said she won't be available this weekend to help. I just feel like the familiar and comforting support system that I had with the other two has ruptured. I know that DH will be amazing and I am so lucky to have my mom in town. But I wish that number 3 here had as much love waiting for it here on the outside of tummy world, as AJ and O did. 

I guess I have infinite amounts of love to give though. 

I don't think the baby will come tonight because instead of a burst of energy I have been stressed and depressed.  I told DH that I think it will be next tuesday.

I just want to hurry up and  have this baby though because my sister and her baby didn't make it and I want to give my parents a new grandchild that gets born, an unanswered question answered with joy.

me.