When I woke up this morning and realized I did not go into labor last night it felt like that movie groundhog day...when Bill Murrey wakes up and everything is exactly the same when it should be different. I don't know how I will get out of bed to take the kids to school on monday. I'm not going into labor tonight. I can just tell. I have had some bx contractions but nothing is really moving along. Today I did have the cleaning bug but it wasn't for the baby's room or the house, it was for our cars so I don't think that counts as valid nesting leading to labor. I cleaned out and vaccumed both mine and DH"s cars, and they were a lot of work since we park outside, kind of in the dirt so it took tons of vaccuuming and wiping down every nook and cranny. DH put some mulch down in the driveways and then down the pathways in the garden so that all my hard work wouldn't be ruined the second we all got into the cars.

DH had his surprise party last night at our friends house and I think he really enjoyed it, in fact I know he did. It is funny that he doesn't say much or even say thank you really. But he did exclaim that he hadn't had a birthday party in years and that he really was surprised. I could tell by how much he was smiling at the party that he had a good time. The kids had fun too. I hope I got some good wife brownie points. I'm pretty sure I did. Like I said, he doesn't say much so I have to just sort of figure. I told him the other day that he is no fun to buy presants for because he doesn't ever say thank you or give hugs or act like he likes anything at all. He seemed a bit surpriesed and I think he logged it in his brain. This stuff makes him sound like kind of an ass, but he isn't. He is just kind of spectrumy in a autism kind of way, meaning that he doesn't have an idea he is doing socially lame things unless you "matter of factly" - not meanly, point things out to him. He might show a little more gratitutde next time he gets a present if he logged that one well enough. When I first met DH he never ever used eye contact with anyone. He barely does now but I told him way back when that you should look at people when you talk to them, and he got better and better over the years we have been together. I noticed last night though actually that he really does avoid contact when he is having small talk conversations with the guys. It is so so weird for me to watch. I find my self smiling at the ground in mild embarrassment. I never say anything these days. He knows about eye contact now. I don't need to come back to that. And I can't help but think it is kind of cute in a way. Also, he still manages to have witty and mildy sarcastic small talk conversations with his friends, even without eye contact. I am terrible at that so I can't help but be a little in awe.

Our whole family is very anxiously awaiting this baby. My dad told me though that he can't get out of work on Monday morning to watch the kids. I wasn't surprised. He is weird about some stuff and I knew he would be weird about this. That is why I have a friend lined up to take care of the kids while my mom and DH help me at the hospital. My dad is too unpredictible and emotionally screwed up these days. Speaking of emotionally screwed up, I refuse to imagine what it will be like to have a baby in the house. I have let myself fleetingly think of it, but I feel like it is bad luck or something and I just have to picture myself getting through labor first. Then when the baby is here I will allow myself to picture it a part of the family and in the different rooms in my house. I think becasue we all experienced my sister' s baby not arriving it is so intensely hard on us that my baby has not arrived yet. We just want it to happen, to know that it can and to get the baby here safe and sound.

I spoke to my sister's husband today. It was his birthday. He said he was just hanging around the house. He didn't try and lean on me today or say how sad he was. We didn't even talk about my sister. I didn't mention being pregnant or anything like that. Our conversation was very removed and distant and kind of polite. I feel a little bad about it. But I am in no shape for an emotional conversation with him.

Most of my friends, if not all, don't really know about the intense behavior problem AJ has. We had another screaming, throwing things, breaking things and hitting-night. I let DH deal with it and he was really good. He just restrained her when she started destroying her room and then when she said she would calm down he let her go. We gave her a melatonin, the first in a couple of weeks I think. She asked for mama and came into my room and said she was sorry and asked me to lie down with her. I said no, I said that when she hits and throws things that I don't want to lie down with her and I will see her in the morning. I want her to understand that when you have that kind of behavior that people don't want to be around you. Maybe tomorrow I will talk about that with her. I will have to think carefully before I speak though because I don't want things to come accross as, I only love you when you are good. I need to figure out how to say it so that it makes sense and it not confusing and I haven't figured that out yet.

She got mad tonight because she wanted to play with her dolls instead of going to bed. I gave her time, lots of time and warnings and choices. Then finally when it was time to stop negotiating and get her to put her dolls away, the scream came. So I took on of the dolls "until tomorow" and she starting hurling the dolls at the wall. That is when DH came in and scouped her up for time out in her room. Thank goodness he did that because I get so angry when she does this. I wish I understood what she was feeling or going through because then I would know how to approach it better. I just can't imagine why she thinks it is OK to completely loose control over minor things and make her night and everyone elses so completely miserable. One thing that DH said to her when she was kicking and hitting him, well, after she had calmed down a bit, was that he didn't feel safe around her when she kicks and hits him and tries to hurt him. He said that it makes him really sad and how would she like it if mommy and daddy tried to hurt her? I think it is interesting that he talks to her like she is an intelligent human being even when she is acting like a complete nut job. I think it is great that he does that and I learn from that.

We talked about it after the kids were asleep and decided to try giving her scenarios before things escalate. For example, at the first scream when she is angry about something, we could present how things could go and what her choices are. She could either, 1. scream and hit and throw thing and be very sad and make mommy and daddy sad too, or 2. she could be a good listener and put her toys away and then come and lie down with mommy for bed time together and we will all be very happy. This might not work. She might just sit there and say no or something , but it used to work at the park when it was time to go and she didn't want to go. DH and I are both going to do it so it will be consistant. We aren't consistant enough in our handling her outbursts because even though it has happened often enough, we are still just completely flabergasted anyway. Our beautiful little girl just turns into a monster and we are caught off guard every time. So that is a peice of a plan put in place. Besides that I guess we will continue our time out option and restraint when she hits or throws things. I don't know if what we are doing is right and I am going to get that "Explosive Child" book.

Finally I want to find a website or something where aspie and autistic kids post and ask them what AJ is feeling and thinking and going through. Maybe they will have some insight and help me understand her better and maybe even have some advice on how to deal with it. I will post if I find any good ideas.

Like I said, I think our family is just kind of in turmoil waiting for this baby to arrive.

me.