update

My older sister's husband came today and brought belated birthday presents for DH, AJ and Owen. He sat on the couch and looked at Emmy and said that her fingers were so small. I knew he was thinking about his son and it made us both cry. His mom was with him but she stayed in the car and didn't come inside to see me. I was so relieved. I haven't seen her since the funeral and I know that I would remind her so much of my sister it would have been too much for her, especially with a newborn in my arms. It would have been too much for me too. I would have just cried the whole time I think. 

It was nice to see him anyway but so so hard. It doesn't seem to get any easier. He is just struggling  without her. He said he never knew what nervous breakdowns were before but now he is dealing with them, although they are starting to get better. We talked about how we try and stay in a  world where she is still there in a way. We can't think about the tragedy. We live kind of how we lived when she was in our lives, only well, she isn't, but we can't face  that or something. We don't let ourselves think about that too much. I think of  her all the time but I can't face that she isn't accessible. I can't imagine that so I just sort of block that part out. I picked up my cell phone a few days ago and spoke to her on it. I know that is weird and I didn't expect her to talk back and I didn't dial any numbers or anything. It is just how I used to talk to her every day, sometimes more than once a day so it seemed like the best way to somehow reach her with what I wanted to say. I don't even remember what I said...something about how hard it is without her but how she is still with me every day. I gave Emmy her middle name to honor her.

Well, Emmy wants to nurse again. I have her in a sling here. I can't believe she sat here without fussing at me for 15 minutes so I could write this post.

Bye for now (things are still going well)

me.