We had a good day after I picked up AJ from school. We went right home since it was raining and she and Owen played together better than they have ever played before. I let Owen force AJ to play with him by telling her to come to the museum with him and dragging her into the dining room (the pretend museum). At first she was upset but when he suggested going to the beach she was interested and followed him into my room and suddenly the yellow comforter was the sand and they had a blast. They had conversations and pretend play together. It was a speech therapists dream come true (and mine too really.)
I edited my wedding and enjoyed listening to them play with each other, plesently for over an hour. Then since DH had band practice I made dinner, rice spaghetti and meat balls. I actually made the meatballs with a recipe and baked them. The kids loved dinner and ate it. I couldn't beleive that Owen ate it too. They even took a bath with no fussing. It was amazing. I so needed an afternoon like today. We read books and then they went to bed. Keeping them in bed wasn't butter smooth but it was better than last night.
I think the b12 shot this morning helped, and I am optomisitc now that AJ has not "fallen off the wagon" and we will have some more time where she is in our world so amazingly, and I hope she doesn't slip off again anytime soon.
I have been looking at facebook alot recently and one of my sister's friends, Mike, sent me a friend request. She and her husband spent a lot of time with Mike before she passed and I had thought about him a few times. So I was happy when I got the request and right away looked at his profile. He had a picture up of my sister that I recognized that he must have copied and pasted from her old online work photo. But then I was shocked to read a comment under her picture from one of his freinds saying, "Oh my God I heard she died in a car accident and right before the reunion. Is that true? If so that is SOOOO sad!!"
I felt really sick reading that and just typed below, "I can think of much nicer comments to write about her, like how beautiful she looks in this picture."
I just wanted to passively point out how gossipy, and inappropriate her comment was. She wrote back right away saying she didn't meant to offend and deleted her first comment thank goodnesss, then I deleted mine. I felt weird like I was being over sensitive but I know that my sister would have hated that so I felt inclinded to say something. Then I thought I was doing fine afterwards and just watched a bit of TV, but had an anxiety attack when I went to bed. It was weird. I haven't had that in months and months.
So when DH came home he helped me to feel better and here I am, typing it all out to try and get some clarity. I don't know if I have any calrity now. I am trying hard to be removed from the pain of her accident a bit while dealing with these last few weeks of my pregnancy. I can't mix greif in with this succsessfully so I have just been focussed on the baby and of abstract and plesent thoughts and memories of my sister. It is when I see words like the "comment" under her picture, that I get slammed into dispare.
Anyway, enough about me, this blog is supposed to be about AJ right? :)
Goodnight,
me.
me.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Thursday, January 29, 2009
The "Screaming Phase" again
I have a little time before I have to pick up Owen and I have watered my Facebook virtual fairy garden already ;) so here goes...
AJ has started screaming again, I wonder if this is marking the end of her wonderful 2 weeks. She has decided to stop listening and start screaming when we ask her to do things. It is so tiresome. Yesterday DH gave her gummie worms. I don't think/know if they have anything in them that she shouldn't eat besides preservatives and just crap, but I was annoyed since I have been so strict and she has been doing so well. Last night she had a major tantrum at bedtime. It was after she had been put to bed but was up late playing with her teddy bears and turning on her light whenever she felt like it after we both told her not to. Then she said she was hungry and I said no, because she had eaten a good dinner. And because she was in bed and I didn't want her getting up.
DH said, oh we could give her some toast so I said fine.
Ten minutes later she was at the table eating her GFCFSF toast with veggie shortening on it. Then surprise, surprise, she wouldn't go back to bed. So DH took her back kicking and screaming then he came out and shut her door (she was still screaming) and sat on the couch. H said, "She kicked me in the adam's apple and I smacked her butt. Go see her."
DH never smacks her, ever. As a general rule we don't spank and I knew he was feeling horrible about it although I couldn't help but be a bit glad that she now knew that there is a direct result of kicking someone in the throat.
So I opened her door and said I would come back when she stopped screaming.
"But mom, I have a sore leg." She struggled to say it and to figure out just what to say and I stayed until she finished her sentence. I suddenly wondered if she was having growing pains and if that was making her act like this. I sat on her bed and rubbed her leg and said that, "sometimes when grow it makes our legs feel sore." She was quiet now and then she said, "Daddy smacked my butt, hard."
I said, "Well you kicked him in the throat. That is what happens if you kick someone in the throat you get smacked. He didn't want to. Now go out there and apologize to him right now for doing that."
"Will you hold my hand?" I was stunned at her request, she even held out her hand to me. But I was angry too.
"No, you do this one on your own."
She went out in the hallway and I heard her walk down and say, "I'm sorry for kicking you Daddy, I am just so so sad."
DH said, "Come here" and he gave her a big hug and said he was sorry for smacking her butt. I wasn't sure if he should have apologized for it since I try and act like our decision-making, follow through and any discipline action should be treated like it is on purpose and for a purpose and to help them, even if they don't like it. Apologizing is like saying that you were wrong for your action/reaction. But it felt right to him and he had reacted out of anger so it made sense that he apologized.
She came back to bed and sat down next to me and said, "Daddy said um, nothing"
"Did he say he was sorry too?"
"Um, yes."
"He loves you very much."
"Um, yes."
She said, "I'm not going to be naughty anymore."
"OK" She says that every time after a big tantrum but it doesn't stop the tantrums.
We talked for a little while longer. I enjoyed her focus and willingness to try and find words and sentences and have a back and forth conversation. Then she asked me to lie down with her. I said no because my belly is so huge now that it is hard to get back up but she said please and I wanted a hug, so I lay down with her and pulled her close for a hug and she let out a big sigh. It was such a nice "normal" hug I couldn't believe it. Then she said. "OK all done hug" and rolled over to go to sleep.
When she goes through her "screaming phase" this means we are also dealing with her running away now when we tell her to come and get in the car when we are leaving the park. For DH it was picking her up from school yesterday which he said was very embarrassing. He said that he let her play for a while then when it was time to go she went and sat in a bush, and that is why he promised her gummie bears. I told him, "You just count."
He said he didn't want to seem too stern in front of everyone. I have no problem with it if she is doing something like sitting in a bush and ignoring me. I am more embarrassed about looking like I have no control over my wild child. But I'm not a screamer either so it is very hard to reel her in sometimes. Counting seems to do the trick for now.
Both kids have been tricky this past week. We are also dealing with colds and stuff so I'm sure that doesn't help. When Owen is a little bear it tends to take a toll on all of us too.
So I gave AJ her shot this morning before school, I was 2 days overdue with the shot and I hope this helps her. I have been slacking on the probiotics so I will get that going again too.
I need to set up a positive reward system or something before I pick her up today.
Wish me luck :)
me.
AJ has started screaming again, I wonder if this is marking the end of her wonderful 2 weeks. She has decided to stop listening and start screaming when we ask her to do things. It is so tiresome. Yesterday DH gave her gummie worms. I don't think/know if they have anything in them that she shouldn't eat besides preservatives and just crap, but I was annoyed since I have been so strict and she has been doing so well. Last night she had a major tantrum at bedtime. It was after she had been put to bed but was up late playing with her teddy bears and turning on her light whenever she felt like it after we both told her not to. Then she said she was hungry and I said no, because she had eaten a good dinner. And because she was in bed and I didn't want her getting up.
DH said, oh we could give her some toast so I said fine.
Ten minutes later she was at the table eating her GFCFSF toast with veggie shortening on it. Then surprise, surprise, she wouldn't go back to bed. So DH took her back kicking and screaming then he came out and shut her door (she was still screaming) and sat on the couch. H said, "She kicked me in the adam's apple and I smacked her butt. Go see her."
DH never smacks her, ever. As a general rule we don't spank and I knew he was feeling horrible about it although I couldn't help but be a bit glad that she now knew that there is a direct result of kicking someone in the throat.
So I opened her door and said I would come back when she stopped screaming.
"But mom, I have a sore leg." She struggled to say it and to figure out just what to say and I stayed until she finished her sentence. I suddenly wondered if she was having growing pains and if that was making her act like this. I sat on her bed and rubbed her leg and said that, "sometimes when grow it makes our legs feel sore." She was quiet now and then she said, "Daddy smacked my butt, hard."
I said, "Well you kicked him in the throat. That is what happens if you kick someone in the throat you get smacked. He didn't want to. Now go out there and apologize to him right now for doing that."
"Will you hold my hand?" I was stunned at her request, she even held out her hand to me. But I was angry too.
"No, you do this one on your own."
She went out in the hallway and I heard her walk down and say, "I'm sorry for kicking you Daddy, I am just so so sad."
DH said, "Come here" and he gave her a big hug and said he was sorry for smacking her butt. I wasn't sure if he should have apologized for it since I try and act like our decision-making, follow through and any discipline action should be treated like it is on purpose and for a purpose and to help them, even if they don't like it. Apologizing is like saying that you were wrong for your action/reaction. But it felt right to him and he had reacted out of anger so it made sense that he apologized.
She came back to bed and sat down next to me and said, "Daddy said um, nothing"
"Did he say he was sorry too?"
"Um, yes."
"He loves you very much."
"Um, yes."
She said, "I'm not going to be naughty anymore."
"OK" She says that every time after a big tantrum but it doesn't stop the tantrums.
We talked for a little while longer. I enjoyed her focus and willingness to try and find words and sentences and have a back and forth conversation. Then she asked me to lie down with her. I said no because my belly is so huge now that it is hard to get back up but she said please and I wanted a hug, so I lay down with her and pulled her close for a hug and she let out a big sigh. It was such a nice "normal" hug I couldn't believe it. Then she said. "OK all done hug" and rolled over to go to sleep.
When she goes through her "screaming phase" this means we are also dealing with her running away now when we tell her to come and get in the car when we are leaving the park. For DH it was picking her up from school yesterday which he said was very embarrassing. He said that he let her play for a while then when it was time to go she went and sat in a bush, and that is why he promised her gummie bears. I told him, "You just count."
He said he didn't want to seem too stern in front of everyone. I have no problem with it if she is doing something like sitting in a bush and ignoring me. I am more embarrassed about looking like I have no control over my wild child. But I'm not a screamer either so it is very hard to reel her in sometimes. Counting seems to do the trick for now.
Both kids have been tricky this past week. We are also dealing with colds and stuff so I'm sure that doesn't help. When Owen is a little bear it tends to take a toll on all of us too.
So I gave AJ her shot this morning before school, I was 2 days overdue with the shot and I hope this helps her. I have been slacking on the probiotics so I will get that going again too.
I need to set up a positive reward system or something before I pick her up today.
Wish me luck :)
me.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Bit By Bit, Day By Day
So the cold is still going strong and I asked DH to get me some Vicks vapor rub from the store since it seemed like it would be better than taking medication. Then I read on there that if you were pregnant or nursing to ask a dr first. I thought that was silly since I remembered using it as a child and rubbed some on my chest. Oh my God, now my skin is burning and I don't smell any vapors. So I tried to wipe it off with tissues but it isn't helping. hm.
AJ had a good day today. Her teachers were amazed at her eye contact and talkativeness. These are some reasons why perhaps she could be doing so well right now:
1. We started OT in the pool sessions yesterday and will do it every Monday for half an hour. She talked the whole time in the pool then did very well in speech after it. She also did well talking to the kids in the waiting room between OT and speech.
2. I have been giving her hot Epsom Salts bath every night and she LOVES hot baths so that solves the, screaming-when-it-is bath-time problem.
3. I have been keeping up with the b12 shots and she has been much better about them too.
4. I have been strict about sticking to her diet and have also kept salt and sugar very low.
5. Total coincidence
She is the only on in the family who didn't get sick.
I started to read my book last night that I haven't looked at for 7 months. Some of it was pretty good and some was total crap. So I fixed the parts that were awful and I still have more to read and I'm sure, fix. I wrote 40 pages so far which is a pretty good amount I think. Out of all of my dreams and everything I have ever wanted to do, writing a book was always one that I thought I would do. All this other stuff, writing songs and playing out and making documentaries about autism are all dreams that pop up then sort of linger. But the book one has always been there. I tell myself that no one can read it and it will be in a ficticious name so I can write what I want without being embarrassed. We will see. I guess I could have a "pen name."
Today the local top 40 radio station called and said they want us to do some local business ads to put on their website. We will see how that pans out. Being offered a job right before having baby #3 isn't quite as exciting as when I don't have a million things to do and think about already. We put the crib up yesterday and today at the park a freind gave me some "girl" clothes as I had been complaining that I only have boy baby clothes and if it was a girl she was going to be dressed in blue all the time. Then right after I had chosen all the pink onzies, my other good friend who is also pregnant just 2 months behind me came up to the blanket and announced she found out today that she is having a girl! So we decided that if mine is not a girl I would give her the whole batch. And if it is a girl I will just pass things down right away.
I put the girl clothes in the crib drawer.
I read this article about how all these popular brand products have mercury in them, more spcifically in the high fructose corn syrup. Luckily we only use two popular brand stuff for AJ which is Helmens Real Mayo (2/25/09 we don't give it to her anymore because it has soy in it.) Actually, that is the only thing. I was going to say ketchup but we buy the publix organic which I think is sugar and not HFCS. This is also another reason why I should not drink the Coke I totally crave this pregnancy.
Well, I am tired but I can't stand being so stuffed up when I lie down. I guess I'll just deal. I should be editing but I'm tired.
Good night :)
me.
Well, it is almost 5:00 am and I have been up all night with a cold. I read that you can take Benadryl while pregnant but I just don't want to put anything in my body that won't be good for the baby. So here I am, sitting up with stuff poring from my eyes and nose. When I lie down I am like a leaky faucet, so I am sitting up.
I hope that the next time I write in this my cold/flu crap will be gone.
me.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
stuff
This morning we were a bit late to school because I had a stomach ache and needed to rest until it got better. I got AJ to school by 10:00am and when we got to her classroom her teacher was reading a book and the kids were sitting on the carpet. AJ sat next to a little girl she likes in there and when I looked over to observe as I am way too nosey, I saw this little girl scowling at AJ and giving her a long, mean look. AJ did a kind of laugh thing like she didn't understand, but she did. The little girl looked up at me and smiled at me and I didn't smile, I just looked at her with a serious face. She looked back at AJ and I turned to go. I am so tired of leaving her with children who treat her badly unless they are closely supervised. I think it is better when AJ's aid is there for the 2 hours a day she is assigned to AJ. The kids don't understand her and they feel like they can be mean to her because she is weird. I remember kids in my classes growing up who couldn't help but be different and they were targeted. I think we will make it through elementary school, then for middle school we will go to a school that is really laid back, too laid back. We will see. I always thought that maybe I could home school but I don't think I have the self discipline it takes to keep the kids on task, to stay organized and run my business. I am hoping I will have some answer figured out by middle school in 5 years. But maybe I won't. Who knows what will be happening in 5 years. Tonight when I was lying on the couch resting my belly with my head on DH's lap, I looked around our little living room and thought about how I was not in pain, how I had safe beautiful children sleeping in bed, a little one in my belly and a complete mystery of a future lying ahead of me. I had just been thinking about how beautiful DH's eyes were and how I could tell him that, but decided not to.
The last time I had a weird kind of revelation in time moment was two days before my sister's accident. We were watching LOST and they showed the guy who lost his son. They were on a raft and some people came on a boat and took his son. He freaked out and yelled and was such a good actor because he was in such agony at loosing his son. I said to DH that I didn't like watching stuff like that because so far I had been spared that kind of grief and agony but it does happen to people every day. This was supposed to be entertainment but people go through this, they loose people that they love in terrible ways and I haven't...I had no idea how it felt.
Then 2 days later my sister and her baby died and when I was crying on my bed on the same spot that we had been watching LOST on the laptop, I thought about how two days earlier I was spared this but now here I was living it.
So lying on the couch tonight as LOST ended, I hope that my looking around at my little safe haven and feeling healthy and ignorant of anything going on with the future of this baby in my belly, I hope that things move smoothly and that I don't get any more doses of how things really feel for too many people.
I guess I should go to sleep so that AJ isn't late to school tomorrow. I have a midwife appt tomorrow too.
me.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
How to Make This Baby Stuff Work
So I have been thinking about what was difficult when AJ and Owen were babies and what I want to do differently with #3. I had a hard time nursing both of them. I had troubles with plugged ducts, latch and then I had to stop with Owen because he had some rare issue with choking on thin liquids (we had a swallow study done) and so I had to stop or they said he would get pneumonia from aspirating on it.
They were both reflux babies too which was horrible, so I have been trying to think of what would help this time around. With both of them I had a sling but it was too big for me and didn't really help me very much.
I remember that when I was in the hospital with both babies I wanted to have skin to skin with him while I tried to figure out nursing properly. It was a bit embarassing to be naked from the waste up and I could tell from the reactions of the constant interupters" coming to check vitals every hour, that they weren't really used to that.
So now it has been a few years since my last baby and I have seen many different slings around that look like I could make work. So last night I looked up slings online and found this one
http://theslingstation.com/inst-wraps.html
I was thinking that since it is kind of stretchy and wrap around and good for newborns, that I could just wear that in the hospital and have the baby next to me pretty much all the time. If it seems realistic I could even sleep that way with DH kind of keeping watch. I'll feel it out. But also, if this is another reflux baby, which I am sure it will be, then this is a way I can keep it upright and against me after feedings and have a hand free. So much of my time with AJ and Owen was taken up trying to keep them comfortable after their feedings as their reflux was so bad.
One other thing I plan on doing is cutting dairy out of my diet starting two weeks before my due date, as it takes two weeks to get out of your system. I am hoping this will cut down on colic and perhaps the reflux. My friend Tina swears by it and her baby is 10 months now. I am hoping we have a better chance though of no reflux since I did not take but one zoloft pill this whole pregnancy and I took it regularly with AJ and 50mg every 3 days with Owen. Another friend told me that a study has been done showing that zoloft increases the chance of GERD in babies.
I don't know how this is going to turn out. I might have a child with autism, even severe autism. I might have a child with Downs, I have no idea since I did no testing, not even an ultrasound. So I will take whatever comes and deal as best as I can. I know it will be hard no matter what and I am not expecting a "normal" baby...whatever that is. I am ready for it to be tough and I will get through it and hopefully have a lovely happy family at the other side of all the hard work of the first 6 months.
All I can do is hope really.
me.
http://theslingstation.com/moby.html
http://theslingstation.com/inst-wraps.html
They were both reflux babies too which was horrible, so I have been trying to think of what would help this time around. With both of them I had a sling but it was too big for me and didn't really help me very much.
I remember that when I was in the hospital with both babies I wanted to have skin to skin with him while I tried to figure out nursing properly. It was a bit embarassing to be naked from the waste up and I could tell from the reactions of the constant interupters" coming to check vitals every hour, that they weren't really used to that.
So now it has been a few years since my last baby and I have seen many different slings around that look like I could make work. So last night I looked up slings online and found this one
http://theslingstation.com/inst-wraps.html
I was thinking that since it is kind of stretchy and wrap around and good for newborns, that I could just wear that in the hospital and have the baby next to me pretty much all the time. If it seems realistic I could even sleep that way with DH kind of keeping watch. I'll feel it out. But also, if this is another reflux baby, which I am sure it will be, then this is a way I can keep it upright and against me after feedings and have a hand free. So much of my time with AJ and Owen was taken up trying to keep them comfortable after their feedings as their reflux was so bad.
One other thing I plan on doing is cutting dairy out of my diet starting two weeks before my due date, as it takes two weeks to get out of your system. I am hoping this will cut down on colic and perhaps the reflux. My friend Tina swears by it and her baby is 10 months now. I am hoping we have a better chance though of no reflux since I did not take but one zoloft pill this whole pregnancy and I took it regularly with AJ and 50mg every 3 days with Owen. Another friend told me that a study has been done showing that zoloft increases the chance of GERD in babies.
I don't know how this is going to turn out. I might have a child with autism, even severe autism. I might have a child with Downs, I have no idea since I did no testing, not even an ultrasound. So I will take whatever comes and deal as best as I can. I know it will be hard no matter what and I am not expecting a "normal" baby...whatever that is. I am ready for it to be tough and I will get through it and hopefully have a lovely happy family at the other side of all the hard work of the first 6 months.
All I can do is hope really.
me.
http://theslingstation.com/moby.html
http://theslingstation.com/inst-wraps.html
Beginning Ideas of GFCFSF diet help (will be continually continued)
Diet free of gluten, casein, soy, peanut butter, preservatives, MSG, BPA's
There are more dinner ideas than I am listing, but my kids don't like salad, mushrooms and really quite a lot of good stuff. What I have listed is what I give the kids for breakfast, lunch and dinner. My dinner is often different because I like my cheese and wheat bread. Our favorite dinner though is rice pasta with sauce. I put fake meat in my sauce but AJ can't have it as it is made of soy. We all have our rice pasta with red sauce and I also eat garlic bread with mine. If we have some of AJ's gfcf bread on hand she will dip it in olive oil. She loves olive oil and it is good for her. Every family is different with different likes and dislikes. This is a list that works for us and can be tweaked and expanded upon by other families trying to figure out what to eat with this limiting but nutricious diet.
dinner ideas:
1. black bean burgers
note: make a bunch and freeze them for your little one so they always have a protein dinner staple when you don't want to eat GFCFSF with them.
a. Just mush up a can of black beans. Use Eden brand canned black beans as that is the only kind that does not line their cans with BPA's.
b. . Health food stores carry the bread crums you can use, they are Gillians bread crumbs and can also be found on GilliansFoods.com and here is the link right to the bread crumbs:
http://glutenfreegilliansfoods.netfirms.com/glutenfreegilliansfoods//catalog/product_info.php?products_id=64&osCsid=c55acec532117e81560e15622e8a86da
2. I barely cook fish because I am worried about mercury, but when we do have it I buy Wild Alaskan Salmon or Tilapia, as currently they are the two types of fish with the lowest mercury. I usually just bake it on the oven for 20 minutes with lemon juice pored all over it and cut up garlic. It is delicious.
3. Organic chicken for parmasan chicken (with no cheese of course.) Just get a kitchen hammer and hammer out some chicken breasts until they are flat (and will cook quicly in the frying pan)
a. get out 3 paper plates and in one put some rice or bean flower, the next put some beaten eggs and the last have some bread crumbs
b. coat the flattened chicken first in the flower, then the egg, then the bread crumbs and put right into the pan.
This is so delicious that the whole family can eat it and you can melt cheese on the chicken that is for family members who are not on the diet. This can be put on rice pasta with organic red pasta sauce. Always check your ingredients on the sauce label.
4. Nitrate-free organic hot dogs...cut them up to be dipped in ketchup or mayo
note: I pair these main course dinner staples with organic fresh veggies, mostly spinach, broccoli, corn and peas. These can be bought in the frozen organic section too. I get the kids to eat their peas by having them count them as they pop them in their mouth.
Desert:
I don't do a regular desert since I like to keep AJ's sugar intake low as it promotes yeast growth and she seems to get stumbly and agitated after a lot of sugar. But we do have some "ice cream" on hand such as frozen coconut, acai berry and rice dream vanilla. I don't give her chocolate because it seems to have a negative affect on her.
I keep organic suckers on hand from the health food store. They are sweetened with fruit juice. But again, these are a rare treat.
My mom makes amazing GFCFSF chocolate chip cookies that I will get the recipe for.
I keep GFCFSF chocolate chips on hand for a small treat and bribe
At birthdays I make the cakes that come in the box, but I haven't checked them recently for soy which I will have to do as taking soy our of her diet over the past few months has been a major help.
LUNCH:
1. egg salad
I boil the eggs for about 12 minutes then cool them and grate them. Then I add mayonaise. AJ loves Helmens Real Mayonaise. I would rather her have organic but this is one thing that she LOVES and we don't have to take away. If you buy the little jars of the may you can get it in glass rather than plastic. I put this in her lunch box in a dollup with a spoon and some organic blue corn chips which she dips into the egg salad.
2. Organic chicken lunch meat. I never buy turkey anymore because it puts her to sleep. Sometimes we get ham which she loves, but I am already squeamish about not being vegetarian anymore and so we don't often.
note: I either pull this into little peieces that she can dip in mayo or roll them up like how you see on an appetizer plate.
3. organic nitrate-free hot dogs
4. Almond butter and jelly on rice cakes.
5. bacon
I pair this stuff with:
a. Soft cubed carrots in the gerber baby food section. They are in a glass jar and can be dumped in a lunch box tub in seconds and she loves to eat them as finger food. She doesn't like crunchy carrots so this works better. I like that it is in glass but they don't have organic ones yet.
b. Soft green beans in the gerber jar
c. steamed organic carrots cut up
d. fruit (cut up apples with a bit on lemon juice on them so they don't turn brown, organic grapes, organic blueberries as often as possible, organic strawberries and she loves kiwi fruit
e. peas
d. sometimes she will actually eat cold, left over steamed broccoli when I put it in her lunch
e. hummus (check and make sure there aren't lots of preservatives. Local made stuff at the health food store is best).
f. organic baby tomatoes
g. rice cakes
h. organic raisins
There are more dinner ideas than I am listing, but my kids don't like salad, mushrooms and really quite a lot of good stuff. What I have listed is what I give the kids for breakfast, lunch and dinner. My dinner is often different because I like my cheese and wheat bread. Our favorite dinner though is rice pasta with sauce. I put fake meat in my sauce but AJ can't have it as it is made of soy. We all have our rice pasta with red sauce and I also eat garlic bread with mine. If we have some of AJ's gfcf bread on hand she will dip it in olive oil. She loves olive oil and it is good for her. Every family is different with different likes and dislikes. This is a list that works for us and can be tweaked and expanded upon by other families trying to figure out what to eat with this limiting but nutricious diet.
dinner ideas:
1. black bean burgers
note: make a bunch and freeze them for your little one so they always have a protein dinner staple when you don't want to eat GFCFSF with them.
a. Just mush up a can of black beans. Use Eden brand canned black beans as that is the only kind that does not line their cans with BPA's.
b. . Health food stores carry the bread crums you can use, they are Gillians bread crumbs and can also be found on GilliansFoods.com and here is the link right to the bread crumbs:
http://glutenfreegilliansfoods.netfirms.com/glutenfreegilliansfoods//catalog/product_info.php?products_id=64&osCsid=c55acec532117e81560e15622e8a86da
2. I barely cook fish because I am worried about mercury, but when we do have it I buy Wild Alaskan Salmon or Tilapia, as currently they are the two types of fish with the lowest mercury. I usually just bake it on the oven for 20 minutes with lemon juice pored all over it and cut up garlic. It is delicious.
3. Organic chicken for parmasan chicken (with no cheese of course.) Just get a kitchen hammer and hammer out some chicken breasts until they are flat (and will cook quicly in the frying pan)
a. get out 3 paper plates and in one put some rice or bean flower, the next put some beaten eggs and the last have some bread crumbs
b. coat the flattened chicken first in the flower, then the egg, then the bread crumbs and put right into the pan.
This is so delicious that the whole family can eat it and you can melt cheese on the chicken that is for family members who are not on the diet. This can be put on rice pasta with organic red pasta sauce. Always check your ingredients on the sauce label.
4. Nitrate-free organic hot dogs...cut them up to be dipped in ketchup or mayo
note: I pair these main course dinner staples with organic fresh veggies, mostly spinach, broccoli, corn and peas. These can be bought in the frozen organic section too. I get the kids to eat their peas by having them count them as they pop them in their mouth.
Desert:
I don't do a regular desert since I like to keep AJ's sugar intake low as it promotes yeast growth and she seems to get stumbly and agitated after a lot of sugar. But we do have some "ice cream" on hand such as frozen coconut, acai berry and rice dream vanilla. I don't give her chocolate because it seems to have a negative affect on her.
I keep organic suckers on hand from the health food store. They are sweetened with fruit juice. But again, these are a rare treat.
My mom makes amazing GFCFSF chocolate chip cookies that I will get the recipe for.
I keep GFCFSF chocolate chips on hand for a small treat and bribe
At birthdays I make the cakes that come in the box, but I haven't checked them recently for soy which I will have to do as taking soy our of her diet over the past few months has been a major help.
LUNCH:
1. egg salad
I boil the eggs for about 12 minutes then cool them and grate them. Then I add mayonaise. AJ loves Helmens Real Mayonaise. I would rather her have organic but this is one thing that she LOVES and we don't have to take away. If you buy the little jars of the may you can get it in glass rather than plastic. I put this in her lunch box in a dollup with a spoon and some organic blue corn chips which she dips into the egg salad.
2. Organic chicken lunch meat. I never buy turkey anymore because it puts her to sleep. Sometimes we get ham which she loves, but I am already squeamish about not being vegetarian anymore and so we don't often.
note: I either pull this into little peieces that she can dip in mayo or roll them up like how you see on an appetizer plate.
3. organic nitrate-free hot dogs
4. Almond butter and jelly on rice cakes.
5. bacon
I pair this stuff with:
a. Soft cubed carrots in the gerber baby food section. They are in a glass jar and can be dumped in a lunch box tub in seconds and she loves to eat them as finger food. She doesn't like crunchy carrots so this works better. I like that it is in glass but they don't have organic ones yet.
b. Soft green beans in the gerber jar
c. steamed organic carrots cut up
d. fruit (cut up apples with a bit on lemon juice on them so they don't turn brown, organic grapes, organic blueberries as often as possible, organic strawberries and she loves kiwi fruit
e. peas
d. sometimes she will actually eat cold, left over steamed broccoli when I put it in her lunch
e. hummus (check and make sure there aren't lots of preservatives. Local made stuff at the health food store is best).
f. organic baby tomatoes
g. rice cakes
h. organic raisins
Breakfast:
1. Rice Krispies with rice milk and a little bit of organic sugar
Monday, January 19, 2009
It is 11:15 and I don't have heartburn tonight and my gaul bladder is not bothering me which is nice, since it kept me up all night last night and was threatening to bug me tonight too but went away.
I am going to put together a blog about how we do the GFCFSF diet so that when people ask me...it is right there.
I am going to put together a blog about how we do the GFCFSF diet so that when people ask me...it is right there.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
facebook stuff
It is almost midnight, but tomorrow is MLK Day so Jeff and the kids are home with me. I am missing My sister tonight in a weird way. I feel kind of removed from her and I know how to connect again. I could go and look at photo's and most of all, read the mother's day card from her, the one she wrote only a few weeks before she passed and said such nice things. I don't know, it is easier sometimes to just be numb.
I have been doing facebook recently and my old boyfriend is on there. He has twins, 4 months old now. He has nothing about his girlfriend/wife on there so I don't even know if he is married. There are pics of his twins but that is it. We were togther 7 years and were kind of engaged, he was going to move here after grad school and we had planned to get a place together. But I called it off because I just didn't want to marry him. That didn't mean I didn't love him. I did, and that kind of love never goes away. So it is weird to have him there, hanging around on facebook. It is is almost magical in a way though. I don't have to talk to him, I don't have to do anything to make me feel like I am being disrespectful to DH. But I get a little glimpse into what he is doing and where he is and what his email is. I don't ever plan on using any of it. But just having it accessible give me a kind of joyful feeling, like he is not gone. Just not in my life. I called him a few months after my sister's accident after a friend of a friend emailed me his phone number because she heard I wanted to talk to him. It was weird talking to him. He made me laugh and feel really good because he said that he thought it was going to be some rude contractor on the phone and it was me and he couldn't believe it. He had heard about my sister and was alkwardly terribly sorry. He was never good at that. He understood my relationship with her and I needed that connection. When we got off the phone I was glad I spoke to him and thought that maybe I would call him again maybe in 10 years. I told DH about it right away and he was understanding. If I thought it would upset him I would not have made that call. But now my that old boyfriend is on facebook and we can occasionally make small comments now and then I don't think I will ever have to call him again. He is there, living his life and giving tiny glimples...not more, or less than I want to see. I have lots of pics of my family and of me and DH together. So he knows too. I'm not sure how others/he perceives me from what I put up there, but it is what it is. I think that true love never dies. We would never have made it together. I knew that I would never want to put a child through our tumultuous relationship and I made the right decision. DH is the true love of my life. But just knowing that my old love is not in an abyss, as if he had died or something, well, I'm glad that is not the case.
I have my usual perpetual heartburn. The baby is moving a lot and getting more and more heavy in my belly. I wonder if it is a boy or a girl!! I have no idea. No idea.
goodnight,
me
I have been doing facebook recently and my old boyfriend is on there. He has twins, 4 months old now. He has nothing about his girlfriend/wife on there so I don't even know if he is married. There are pics of his twins but that is it. We were togther 7 years and were kind of engaged, he was going to move here after grad school and we had planned to get a place together. But I called it off because I just didn't want to marry him. That didn't mean I didn't love him. I did, and that kind of love never goes away. So it is weird to have him there, hanging around on facebook. It is is almost magical in a way though. I don't have to talk to him, I don't have to do anything to make me feel like I am being disrespectful to DH. But I get a little glimpse into what he is doing and where he is and what his email is. I don't ever plan on using any of it. But just having it accessible give me a kind of joyful feeling, like he is not gone. Just not in my life. I called him a few months after my sister's accident after a friend of a friend emailed me his phone number because she heard I wanted to talk to him. It was weird talking to him. He made me laugh and feel really good because he said that he thought it was going to be some rude contractor on the phone and it was me and he couldn't believe it. He had heard about my sister and was alkwardly terribly sorry. He was never good at that. He understood my relationship with her and I needed that connection. When we got off the phone I was glad I spoke to him and thought that maybe I would call him again maybe in 10 years. I told DH about it right away and he was understanding. If I thought it would upset him I would not have made that call. But now my that old boyfriend is on facebook and we can occasionally make small comments now and then I don't think I will ever have to call him again. He is there, living his life and giving tiny glimples...not more, or less than I want to see. I have lots of pics of my family and of me and DH together. So he knows too. I'm not sure how others/he perceives me from what I put up there, but it is what it is. I think that true love never dies. We would never have made it together. I knew that I would never want to put a child through our tumultuous relationship and I made the right decision. DH is the true love of my life. But just knowing that my old love is not in an abyss, as if he had died or something, well, I'm glad that is not the case.
I have my usual perpetual heartburn. The baby is moving a lot and getting more and more heavy in my belly. I wonder if it is a boy or a girl!! I have no idea. No idea.
goodnight,
me
Friday, January 16, 2009
Day to Day
I am constantly baffled by how different AJ is on a day to day basis. This evening she has a quick response/processing time with eye contact, answering questions and just good behavior. This is following three day of sensory misery...stumbling around, practically falling off the bed when I was trying to do her hair this morning for school, ignoring me, making odd noises and screaming randomly. But tonight, she was happy, no weird noises, no falling about or stimming off my pregnant belly by wiping her nose on it. She was just happy, talkative, responsive, had eye contact and I just don't understand it.
We gave her her shot yesterday evening and sometimes is takes some time to work. But I think it probably has more to do with that a few days ago she had about 4 good days in a row and I gave her m-n-m's in the car when she was doing well and we let her have some real cheese on her rice pasta. I think that if I cheat with the diet, then in a couple of days she will just loose it. The confusing part is when it doesn't happen right away...so it is very hard to pinpoint the cause.
I'm still sad about her lack of friend situation at school, and my lack of ability to connect with the parents of the other girls in her class. I will keep working on it, gently, and try not to worry so much. I have a feeling that things may change or get better. And if they don't, we will still figure something out for my little one.
I'm 33 weeks now and starting to see elbows move under my skin. It is remarkable and a little overwhelming at the same time. I think we are going to be OK though. I am trying to get these next two weddings edited before the baby is born so I am going to have to really work hard over the next two weeks, as I also have photo montages to do asap as they are going to be shown soon.
goodnight,
me.
We gave her her shot yesterday evening and sometimes is takes some time to work. But I think it probably has more to do with that a few days ago she had about 4 good days in a row and I gave her m-n-m's in the car when she was doing well and we let her have some real cheese on her rice pasta. I think that if I cheat with the diet, then in a couple of days she will just loose it. The confusing part is when it doesn't happen right away...so it is very hard to pinpoint the cause.
I'm still sad about her lack of friend situation at school, and my lack of ability to connect with the parents of the other girls in her class. I will keep working on it, gently, and try not to worry so much. I have a feeling that things may change or get better. And if they don't, we will still figure something out for my little one.
I'm 33 weeks now and starting to see elbows move under my skin. It is remarkable and a little overwhelming at the same time. I think we are going to be OK though. I am trying to get these next two weddings edited before the baby is born so I am going to have to really work hard over the next two weeks, as I also have photo montages to do asap as they are going to be shown soon.
goodnight,
me.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
still 32 weeks, same that my sister was
So no mom's have contacted me back about getting the girls together to play. I feel like I am in middle school again which is a very odd feeling. I swear I will get a play date for AJ if I have to kidnap one of these parents and make them bring their kid over.
Number 3 is kicking up a storm in my belly. It is both alarming and wonderful and uncomfortable all at the same time. The house is a mess and I wonder how I am going to survive with 3 when I can barely stay afloat with 2. But I am still foolishly happy and optimistic alongside my steadfast realization that anything can happen. I guess that is natures way of preparing your or something...The third trimester is intense but comes with a numbing shot of joy.
I had DH tell his brother and wife not to come to visit when the baby arrives, like the week of my due date is what they were proposing. I had this horrible image of me trying to clean the house when I was in labor, although I suppose it would keep me busy. The worst image in my head though was them seeing how I will probably be topless for the first two weeks trying to figure out how to breast feed without getting an infection or a plugged duct, cracked and bleeding or all those lovely things that happened over and over and over with my first two. I don't expect or plan for a smooth ride. I am planning for it to be very very hard. So the last thing I need is relatives who don't understand why people have children in the first place. I think that after seeing the first two weeks with a new born they would probably be horrified. So I don't feel like dealing with that, or having DH taken away on canoe trips when I will need him by my side.
Wednesday will be 33 weeks. If I can just make it till then...
Number 3 is kicking up a storm in my belly. It is both alarming and wonderful and uncomfortable all at the same time. The house is a mess and I wonder how I am going to survive with 3 when I can barely stay afloat with 2. But I am still foolishly happy and optimistic alongside my steadfast realization that anything can happen. I guess that is natures way of preparing your or something...The third trimester is intense but comes with a numbing shot of joy.
I had DH tell his brother and wife not to come to visit when the baby arrives, like the week of my due date is what they were proposing. I had this horrible image of me trying to clean the house when I was in labor, although I suppose it would keep me busy. The worst image in my head though was them seeing how I will probably be topless for the first two weeks trying to figure out how to breast feed without getting an infection or a plugged duct, cracked and bleeding or all those lovely things that happened over and over and over with my first two. I don't expect or plan for a smooth ride. I am planning for it to be very very hard. So the last thing I need is relatives who don't understand why people have children in the first place. I think that after seeing the first two weeks with a new born they would probably be horrified. So I don't feel like dealing with that, or having DH taken away on canoe trips when I will need him by my side.
Wednesday will be 33 weeks. If I can just make it till then...
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
When I brought AJ into school this morning none of the girls were interested in playing with her and she could tell. I stay with her in the morning until the bell rings and they start the morning meeting. This morning a little boy, Cameron was playing a game by himself and she has talked about him before and he seems sweet. So I encouraged her to ask him if we could play and he was happy to say yes...probably the only kid there who would be happy to say yes to playing with her except perhaps one other little girl, Marley, who has a kind heart. So we played this board game until the "line leader" of the day rang the little bell which means put the toys (which they call "work") away and get in a circle. I left and peaked in the door. I saw AJ sit next to Clara who kind of bristled and looked annoyed. Then I saw AJ decide to move and go and sit next to Marley who I feel like tolerates her politely. I left feeling pretty depressed and went by the office to find out when this new aid is supposed to start. The assistant director, Jennifer told me that the aid was going to start next monday and would be in this week meeting the class and getting to know AJ and the kids. I think it is a shame that AJ has to struggle through the first week back on her own, then when it gets easier the next week, her aid starts. It will be 2 hours a day.
When I went to pick AJ up I spoke to her teacher at pick up, her teacher stays for 15 minutes after so if the kids are collected early I get a chance to chat which is really nice. I told her how I got a weird vibe this morning, and yesterday too really and she said yes, and that this afternoon she asked 2 girls to help AJ with a project, and that the girls really tried to help and the three of them had a good dialogue going together. I told her thank you and that this is what AJ needs, because the girls feel a sense of responsibility towards her and AJ gets to enjoy the comrodary.
After I dropped her off I went home and tried to think of what I could do (this seems to happen after every break.) So I called a mom of one of classmates, the one who lives closest and she has a strong personality. In fact she wasn't nice to AJ the first few weeks of school and the teacher had to talk to this little girl, Talula's mom. It got straightened out. Talula still isn't that interested in being friends with AJ but I have a feeling that since she has a strong personality and I think, is a good kid really, that if we do some activities together outside of school that she will learn how to befriend AJ and that it might translate to the classroom a bit better. Talula's mom anwsered the phone which kind of surprised me because I was hoping I would just be able to leave a message and not have to actually speak to a real person. She was very nice though and said they couldn't meet at the park today but maybe Thursday. So I hope that works out. She also said that her friends were meeting at the park today and that it was a mom's group she belongs to and that perhaps I could connect with them. That sounded promising.
I also wrote two notes in little butterfly cards to two parents. One is the parent of Marley and I was cringing to do it because they are very very wealthy and the father is in a popular band so I was terribly nervous and feeling rediculous that I was reaching out to try and make a connection. But I did it since Marley is so sweet to AJ and I put my own middle school fears aside to try and make something happen for AJ. I also put the same play date note in a card for a little girl, Elisabeth's mom because AJ often talks about Elisabeth and her old aid told me that Elisabeth is kind to AJ.
So when I picked up AJ, and when I spoke to her teacher, I also gave her these two cards and I was very nervous about it which was kind of embarrassing. Her teacher is so sweet though. She told me the mom's names to write on the envelopes and when I messed one of them up she got me a new envelope from the classroom...(that is how far out of my comfort zone I was, that I couldn't even get the envelope right.) Her teacher held up the cards and said she would put them in the kid's cubbies and she said, "This is good, this is how you do it!" That made me feel a bit better because I kind of feel like I am putting myself out there to basically be ignored. It is not very likely that they will call at all and I don't feel like being sad or frustrated about it. So, I just won't be. I will just be happy that I tired I guess. We will see if someone wants to meet us at the park.
Now I pretty much like most people and I certainly don't judge people. I especially like quirks, odities and most of all, kind and open hearts. But I will end this story of today to talk about Kevin's mom. Kevin is in AJ's class and is also picked up right after school like AJ and doesn't go to play group after like most kids their class. He sometimes likes to play with AJ after school, just running around while his mom and I and other parents talk and also chat with the teachers. Kevin is kind of Aspergers so AJ's mixed messages don't phase him at all, he just obliviously persists and she complies and follows him to look for bugs around the side of the school and such. But even though Kevin's mom is a nice, kind hearted lady, I have to say that I have a hard time spending more than 10 minutes around her. She doesn't stop talking and her conversations are shockingly open, slightly crass and sometimes pitiful, often exposing herlself to be a little bit crazy (which hey, who isn't) but she is so nuts that it is exhausting and I often look for an escape exit when she catches me in conversation. BUT today was "get AJ some class friend's day" and she was playing so well with Kevin after school, that when I was done talking to her teacher I told Kevin's mom that I was going to the park near my house and would they care to join us? She immediately said yes so I gave her directions and off we went.
More tomorrow...I'm tired and have to try and figure out how to get rid of this 32 week preg heart burn.
Good night,
me.
When I went to pick AJ up I spoke to her teacher at pick up, her teacher stays for 15 minutes after so if the kids are collected early I get a chance to chat which is really nice. I told her how I got a weird vibe this morning, and yesterday too really and she said yes, and that this afternoon she asked 2 girls to help AJ with a project, and that the girls really tried to help and the three of them had a good dialogue going together. I told her thank you and that this is what AJ needs, because the girls feel a sense of responsibility towards her and AJ gets to enjoy the comrodary.
After I dropped her off I went home and tried to think of what I could do (this seems to happen after every break.) So I called a mom of one of classmates, the one who lives closest and she has a strong personality. In fact she wasn't nice to AJ the first few weeks of school and the teacher had to talk to this little girl, Talula's mom. It got straightened out. Talula still isn't that interested in being friends with AJ but I have a feeling that since she has a strong personality and I think, is a good kid really, that if we do some activities together outside of school that she will learn how to befriend AJ and that it might translate to the classroom a bit better. Talula's mom anwsered the phone which kind of surprised me because I was hoping I would just be able to leave a message and not have to actually speak to a real person. She was very nice though and said they couldn't meet at the park today but maybe Thursday. So I hope that works out. She also said that her friends were meeting at the park today and that it was a mom's group she belongs to and that perhaps I could connect with them. That sounded promising.
I also wrote two notes in little butterfly cards to two parents. One is the parent of Marley and I was cringing to do it because they are very very wealthy and the father is in a popular band so I was terribly nervous and feeling rediculous that I was reaching out to try and make a connection. But I did it since Marley is so sweet to AJ and I put my own middle school fears aside to try and make something happen for AJ. I also put the same play date note in a card for a little girl, Elisabeth's mom because AJ often talks about Elisabeth and her old aid told me that Elisabeth is kind to AJ.
So when I picked up AJ, and when I spoke to her teacher, I also gave her these two cards and I was very nervous about it which was kind of embarrassing. Her teacher is so sweet though. She told me the mom's names to write on the envelopes and when I messed one of them up she got me a new envelope from the classroom...(that is how far out of my comfort zone I was, that I couldn't even get the envelope right.) Her teacher held up the cards and said she would put them in the kid's cubbies and she said, "This is good, this is how you do it!" That made me feel a bit better because I kind of feel like I am putting myself out there to basically be ignored. It is not very likely that they will call at all and I don't feel like being sad or frustrated about it. So, I just won't be. I will just be happy that I tired I guess. We will see if someone wants to meet us at the park.
Now I pretty much like most people and I certainly don't judge people. I especially like quirks, odities and most of all, kind and open hearts. But I will end this story of today to talk about Kevin's mom. Kevin is in AJ's class and is also picked up right after school like AJ and doesn't go to play group after like most kids their class. He sometimes likes to play with AJ after school, just running around while his mom and I and other parents talk and also chat with the teachers. Kevin is kind of Aspergers so AJ's mixed messages don't phase him at all, he just obliviously persists and she complies and follows him to look for bugs around the side of the school and such. But even though Kevin's mom is a nice, kind hearted lady, I have to say that I have a hard time spending more than 10 minutes around her. She doesn't stop talking and her conversations are shockingly open, slightly crass and sometimes pitiful, often exposing herlself to be a little bit crazy (which hey, who isn't) but she is so nuts that it is exhausting and I often look for an escape exit when she catches me in conversation. BUT today was "get AJ some class friend's day" and she was playing so well with Kevin after school, that when I was done talking to her teacher I told Kevin's mom that I was going to the park near my house and would they care to join us? She immediately said yes so I gave her directions and off we went.
More tomorrow...I'm tired and have to try and figure out how to get rid of this 32 week preg heart burn.
Good night,
me.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
It is 11:37 and I have been working on the photo montage again tonight. But before that we had a very fun evening playing the Rock Band video game with friends. The kids had a blast and AJ did some really great singing for 1 song to "Maps" by the "Yeah Yeah Yeah's." They both stayed up late but didn't have major freak outs about going to bed which was nice. The house is clean since, well, we cleaned it before our friends came over. DH made dinner, he made pasta and fake meat sauce (AJ had to have sauce with no fake meat as it has soy in it, and her own rice pasta.) Our Ikea dining room table is so small we could barely fit around it but we managed and the salad and garlic bread were outstanding.
I've been very nervous about what is going on in Israel since my younger sister is there. She is in Tel Aviv which is hopefully far enough away from the bombings. But I hate that they are angering the rest of the world with their attacks and I wish this could be resolved quickly without people dying. Most of all I wish she would move back tomorrow and not wait.
I've been very nervous about what is going on in Israel since my younger sister is there. She is in Tel Aviv which is hopefully far enough away from the bombings. But I hate that they are angering the rest of the world with their attacks and I wish this could be resolved quickly without people dying. Most of all I wish she would move back tomorrow and not wait.
It is late Friday night and I am fighting off a headache. It is actually Sat by now. I worked on a photo montage from 10 till 2 and it was one that was done until the bride told me she had emailed me music choices previously. I found the email and it was buried at the bottom and they were mp3 attachments that I hadn't been looking out for.
It is 2:23am. I can't just go to sleep after working. I have to decompress or something. I need to be up until I pass out or I will just worry.
I can't let myself just think that my pregnancy is going to go well and that things are going to be good because I feel like if I think that I will be punished or something. I allowed myself to think that with my sister. I feel like if I am terrified that something bad will happen that I will either be prepared or spared. I know that is crazy, I do, and I don't want to fee like that. But I am trying to protect myself from being caught off guard or something,
I think I might go and see my counselor guy that I visited a few times after my sister passed. Maybe I will go see him next week when I am 32 weeks, where she was when she and the baby passed.
OK, sorry that I am writing about this and not AJ stuff. This is just what is on my mind and has to be peeled off before I can focus on my little one. I will write this though, I have discovered that if I give at least 10 mintues to each child, after books, lying down and cuddling and chatting a little bit, they are much much happier about going to sleep.
me.
It is 2:23am. I can't just go to sleep after working. I have to decompress or something. I need to be up until I pass out or I will just worry.
I can't let myself just think that my pregnancy is going to go well and that things are going to be good because I feel like if I think that I will be punished or something. I allowed myself to think that with my sister. I feel like if I am terrified that something bad will happen that I will either be prepared or spared. I know that is crazy, I do, and I don't want to fee like that. But I am trying to protect myself from being caught off guard or something,
I think I might go and see my counselor guy that I visited a few times after my sister passed. Maybe I will go see him next week when I am 32 weeks, where she was when she and the baby passed.
OK, sorry that I am writing about this and not AJ stuff. This is just what is on my mind and has to be peeled off before I can focus on my little one. I will write this though, I have discovered that if I give at least 10 mintues to each child, after books, lying down and cuddling and chatting a little bit, they are much much happier about going to sleep.
me.
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