It is almost midnight, but tomorrow is MLK Day so Jeff and the kids are home with me. I am missing My sister tonight in a weird way. I feel kind of removed from her and I know how to connect again. I could go and look at photo's and most of all, read the mother's day card from her, the one she wrote only a few weeks before she passed and said such nice things. I don't know, it is easier sometimes to just be numb.
I have been doing facebook recently and my old boyfriend is on there. He has twins, 4 months old now. He has nothing about his girlfriend/wife on there so I don't even know if he is married. There are pics of his twins but that is it. We were togther 7 years and were kind of engaged, he was going to move here after grad school and we had planned to get a place together. But I called it off because I just didn't want to marry him. That didn't mean I didn't love him. I did, and that kind of love never goes away. So it is weird to have him there, hanging around on facebook. It is is almost magical in a way though. I don't have to talk to him, I don't have to do anything to make me feel like I am being disrespectful to DH. But I get a little glimpse into what he is doing and where he is and what his email is. I don't ever plan on using any of it. But just having it accessible give me a kind of joyful feeling, like he is not gone. Just not in my life. I called him a few months after my sister's accident after a friend of a friend emailed me his phone number because she heard I wanted to talk to him. It was weird talking to him. He made me laugh and feel really good because he said that he thought it was going to be some rude contractor on the phone and it was me and he couldn't believe it. He had heard about my sister and was alkwardly terribly sorry. He was never good at that. He understood my relationship with her and I needed that connection. When we got off the phone I was glad I spoke to him and thought that maybe I would call him again maybe in 10 years. I told DH about it right away and he was understanding. If I thought it would upset him I would not have made that call. But now my that old boyfriend is on facebook and we can occasionally make small comments now and then I don't think I will ever have to call him again. He is there, living his life and giving tiny glimples...not more, or less than I want to see. I have lots of pics of my family and of me and DH together. So he knows too. I'm not sure how others/he perceives me from what I put up there, but it is what it is. I think that true love never dies. We would never have made it together. I knew that I would never want to put a child through our tumultuous relationship and I made the right decision. DH is the true love of my life. But just knowing that my old love is not in an abyss, as if he had died or something, well, I'm glad that is not the case.
I have my usual perpetual heartburn. The baby is moving a lot and getting more and more heavy in my belly. I wonder if it is a boy or a girl!! I have no idea. No idea.
goodnight,
me
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