stuff

This morning we were a bit late to school because I had a stomach ache and needed to rest until it got better. I got AJ to school by 10:00am and when we got to her classroom her teacher was reading a book and the kids were sitting on the carpet. AJ sat next to a little girl she likes in there and when I looked over to observe as I am way too nosey, I saw this little girl scowling at AJ and giving her a long, mean look. AJ did a kind of laugh thing like she didn't understand, but she did. The little girl looked up at me and smiled at me and I didn't smile, I just looked at her with a serious face. She looked back at AJ and I turned to go. I am so tired of leaving her with children who treat her badly unless they are closely supervised. I think it is better when AJ's aid is there for the 2 hours a day she is assigned to AJ. The kids don't understand her and they feel like they can be mean to her because she is weird. I remember kids in my classes growing up who couldn't help but be different and they were targeted. I think we will make it through elementary school, then for middle school we will go to a school that is really laid back, too laid back. We will see. I always thought that maybe I could home school but I don't think I have the self discipline it takes to keep the kids on task, to stay organized and run my business. I am hoping I will have some answer figured out by middle school in 5 years. But maybe I won't. Who knows what will be happening in 5 years. Tonight when I was lying on the couch resting my belly with my head on DH's lap, I looked around our little living room and thought about how I was not in pain, how I had safe beautiful children sleeping in bed, a little one in my belly and a complete mystery of a future lying ahead of me. I had just been thinking about how beautiful DH's eyes were and how I could tell him that, but decided not to. 

The last time I had a weird kind of revelation in time moment was two days before my sister's accident. We were watching LOST and they showed the guy who lost his son. They were on a raft and some people came on a boat and took his son. He freaked out and yelled and was such a good actor because he was in such agony at loosing his son. I said to DH that I didn't like watching stuff like that because so far I had been spared that kind of grief and agony but it does happen to people every day. This was supposed to be entertainment but people go through this, they loose people that they love in terrible ways and I haven't...I had no idea how it felt. 

Then 2 days later my sister and her baby died and when I was crying on my bed on the same spot that we had been watching LOST on the laptop, I thought about how two days earlier I was spared this but now here I was living it. 

So lying on the couch tonight as LOST ended, I hope that my looking around at my little safe haven and feeling healthy and ignorant of anything going on with the future of this baby in my belly, I hope that things move smoothly and that I don't get any more doses of how things really feel for too many people.

I guess I should go to sleep so that AJ isn't late to school tomorrow. I have a midwife appt tomorrow too.

me.