We got through the weekend, DH is headed back from filming the wedding. It will take him about 3 hours so I gave my body the go-ahead to go into labor if it wants to. Ha ha, my body will do what it wants...but if it made a smidge of a difference, now we have the birthday party and the wedding behind us. My mom's first PTO day is Monday, so OK, body, lets go.  I don't know why mom did that since my due date isn't until Thursday. Talk about pressure.

Wait, I just realized I still need to get the co-sleeper out of storage and the baby car seat put in the car. Great. now I won't go into labor tonight. DH would be very tired too if I did, after driving for 6  hours total today and filming for 8 hours. It would be a bit  much for him to be a labor coach after that. 

The latest autism vaccine issue/case

It looks like they dug up an autism vaccine case from 2 years ago that actually won in vaccine court. I think that when a very public case wins, with the premise that the vaccine triggered the autism, then that will be a true victory...not so this "brain damage" win from a couple of  years ago. All of the "under the table victories" are confusing and offer no credibility to parents who know that vaccinations contributed to triggering their child's autism.  I think the whole brain swelling thing is interesting since AJ's head size soared off the charts during those vaccination years. I used to think that her brain was just growing faster than her head since she was so smart. I wasn't worried. 

I think that overlying issue is that the fear of not vaccinating our children and spreading disease is greater than the fear of not telling the truth.  It is almost like this is an issue that it is socially acceptable to sweep under the rug "for the greater good."

There are so many things that parents just are not told about when autism or any developmental issue is suddenly rearing its ugly head. A tiny example (not an autism one) is that Owen has been stuttering for more than 6 months now. I haven't thought much about it because he is so smart that he wants to get his words out faster than he can say them. But this past week he has been tripping over his stuttering and it is time to get some speech therapy or take some kind of action I suppose. So I called his pediatrician and instead of referring him to the free state program who will evaluate him for free, she referred him to AJ's expensive therapy place where our insurance would not cover a $400-$800 evaluation. 

I told her that we were going to do the state program and she replied that contacting them is my responsibility and gave me the phone number, which I was fine with. Imagine though if I hadn't known about the state program and I would have simply followed this path of shelling out hundreds of dollars when I didn't need to. I didn't think about it at the time but these small oversights by the people we look to for help, are precisely what get new autism parents confused. It is like they are told to go left when they should have gone right. To add to that the foggy vaccine issue is just so overwhelming. We want to be on our pediatrician's side, believing the "strong proven evidence that vaccinations have nothing to do with autism" and feel good to be with our trusted doctor on the side of science. Then we watch our children regress after each shot and suddenly have to change teams to the side that is all but ridiculed by the press and general public (hence that awful episode of Private Practice). Then new autism parents hear about this GFCF diet and are like, "Oh my God."

 So I am glad that I feel like I finally have my black belt in what to do if your kids needs some help. So why is it so hard to help those new parents who are grasping for information and for this to all make sense? The endless conflicts in autism and developmental delay information is detrimental to the important early intervention that our kids need. Sifting through the different advice is a full time job. Making decisions for your child based on  your own findings is terrifying. In 10 years I hope it will be a much more simple, straight forward process. For now, I will blog about it and be one of those small papers in a sea of conflicting information. But at least I speak the truth from my heart and have nothing to gain otherwise. But shoot, isn't that what all autism parents do?

Today

Things have been fairly smooth in the household. I am still trying to keep a handle on messes and food preparation and just all the basics while overnighting photo montages (another one today) and trying to get videos finished when the kids are at school and in bed...between glorious naps. Now when I get up to go to the toilet my back can barely bare the weight of my incredible stomach.

This morning I went to see my midwife, Lilly and she said that I was half effaced and a couple centimeters and could easily go another couple of weeks. So to try and make myself feel better I went to the second hand maternity shop to try and get something to tie me over since I am wearing the same two outfits every day...the only two that fit over my belly. I did this after picking up the kids from school and it was a nightmare trying to get them to stay in my sight while trying on clothes in the temporary dressing room then moving to the soon-to-be-new dressing room to look in a mirror. I got pretty depressed at how ridiculous everything looked. Even XL's didn't fit over my belly all the way. The kids were very upset about having to be in the dressing room with me and AJ couldn't keep her hands off my bare belly which was very annoying to me at that time.

I finally ended up buying a new maternity outfit that they cleverly put near all the used stuff. And it was $60, clearly not what I had planned to spend on two shirts and a pair of pants. I wanted to spend $20. But the pants are gloriously comfy and the shirt looks nice. It is black so I don't look quite so moo moo.  

Then we went to the park and I sat on a blanket with my friends who met me there while the kids all played. We agreed at the park that this was our favorite thing to do...to sit on a blanket in the sun and chill out while the kids had fun. I feel very lucky to be able to do that. Then when we came home it looked like a bomb had hit the place and I suddenly realized that I was giving up a tidy house for a blanket in the park.  The kids needed dinner. The phone rang, it was Tina and she said that she heard that I spend over $1000 month on groceries and that was outrageous and she wanted to help me. She told me that I need to do organic co ops and such. But I was just kind of like, I know it is crazy, but right now we finally know what to buy to keep AJ healthy and happy and out of the fog. We also know what both kids will eat, and it costs us over $1000 a month to do this and keep our sanity. I just don't have the time to make black bean burgers from dried beans, I just don't. In fact the Eden brand black beans are the only cans we buy since they are apparently the only cans that are not line with BPA's.  After talking to Tina and feeling like a big fat failure of a mom for not being more efficient in the kitchen, I made some extra black bean burgers for AJ's lunches. I put some in the freezer and felt good that I have an extra protein to pull out of there that isn't a hot dog. Yesterday I made baked meatballs and the kids loved them with their pasta and sauce. But buying meat without hormones in it is very expensive and not something I am going to give up. I have to serve meat since AJ can't have dairy or soy and only like's beans disguised as burgers. We never go on vacation, we rarely buy things at all. We choose to spend our money on healthy food.

Tina did inspire me though to try and find an organic co op around here. There has to be one in this college town. She is like the master of organization, money management and keeps a tight organized and clean ship. She is wonderful to learn from. But I will never be as self disciplined which I think is OK. She does inspire me and I feel like if I ever get up the time, money or inclination to do stuff I want to do, like grow my own blueberry plants and such, then I know I just need to give her a call and she will have the answers in a second. 

The baby isn't moving as much now that it is squooshed so tightly in there. I am going to go and have a big glass of ice water with lemon in it to try and get this little one wiggling a bit since I need to do my movement counts and it makes me nervous when it seems a bit quiet in there.

me.

still pregnant

Today was remarkable.  I'm trying to think of why. I am just enjoying this happiness that I feel like my pregnancy has brought me, like an unexpected gift in every form. My clinical anxiety has been almost none-existent after the first trimester and the aches and pains have been minimal. 

This morning after my shower brunch I stopped eating diary. So now I will be able to nurse with no dairy in my milk that might cause colic or stomach problems. My mom made me some bread with no dairy in it. It is yummy and organic and fresh too. I had a turkey and tomato sandwich with mustard instead of mayo, and I put some olive oil on it too since I hate dry sandwiches but oh it was not the same without that Helmens Real Mayo. Oh, I'm cutting out soy too and Helmens has soybean oil in it. 

The happiness of expecting has been soaking in. I fearfully realize though that it might come crashing down if the baby is born with Downs or anything else that is difficult to deal with as a family. This might be my last few days/weeks of blissful happiness well, ever. I know that sounds nuts and I know it is not likely. But whatever. I will deal with whatever comes my way and make the very best of it. I will love and care for my child no matter what...no matter what. 

AJ has had a wonderful weekend. She talked up a storm both days and was excited to talk about her birthday party to her Grandad today who bought us a new washer and dryer. We put them in the shed that now has electricity and water hooked up thanks to DH and my dad. They just have to put outlets in and we can plug em in and not have to go to my parent's house to do laundry anymore. I can't wait to be able to wash towels more often.

A friend gave me a bunch of glass baby bottles and has also offered to give me her cloth diapers. Now that we have a washing machine I  can do cloth. She said they are hot pink though, so if it is a boy he will look kind of funny. I will just have to keep those onzies snapped I guess. It is nice of her to pass those on to me because they are too expensive for me to buy. 

Bye for now,

me.

The party

It is 5am and I'm up feeling uncomfortable. I am in waddling mode now. I can't walk around without looking like I am in pain. I deliberately pick up my feet so they don't shuffle.  My back only hurts for a few seconds though when I get out of bed to go to the bathroom. 

Tomorrow we are having a brunch for me...kind of like a shower, but not a shower since I don't do real baby showers. Maybe I will someday but I'm still like, there is no way I am going to sit through a traditional one when My sister's came and went that I was supposed to give for her.  She would have found that annoying, that I would skip friend's baby shower's because I couldn't have hers. She hated drama and being emotional in ways that are not logical. She would tell me to get over it and go to the damn baby shower. But...I haven't had to worry about it for a while and mine tomorrow is just going to be breakfast and friends and a few gifts, which will be nice. My friends came up from out of town for this and for the kids party so I feel really lucky.

The party went well. There were 28 kids there which was kind of nuts. When I looked at them all in the kids huge indoor play area made of tubes you run through and climb with ropes and slides and mats and all that kind of stuff, I was so glad we were there and I wasn't trying to entertain them all at my parent's house (my house would be too small.) There were 3 instructors and they rounded up the kids and took them back to a large gym area. Here they did relay races and an enormous parachute. Then they went to another huge gym area with a trampoline built into the floor. They did an obsticle course and swang on a trapeze really high then they would land in the foam pit. There were low beams to walk across and little set up tubes to crawl through. The kids had a blast. They really needed all 3 of those instructors though because it was mayhem. 

Then it was time for pizza. The kids barely all squeezed around the huge table and I just had enough pizza for them all and the parents. AJ got gluten free pizza from a local amazing pizza restaurant that our friend's own. We let her have cheese as a one time special thing. My mom made her a gfcfsf cake though that had the same color icing as her Hello Kitty cake. So when the helpers swooped in with the cake (while the kids were eating their pizza). AJ and Owen blew out the candles and then they started to serve the cake before some of the kids were even done. I followed the helpers around with a big bowl of fruit salad that DH had made and put it on their plates with their cake. So they got to eat a little more. I gave some to parents too and felt a little better about the food situation since we really could have used one more large pizza. I had chips and guac there too which was dabbled in.

So that was the end of the party. I paid my $400 without gagging too badly as I had expected it and also some friend's had heard my moaning about it and brought me some cash as a present since we knew the kids were going to get so much stuff that it would be much nicer to get money towards the party. So the money basically paid for the $40 tip. Gosh, we also paid for the pizza and the cakes which brought the party total up to over $500. We could have had a slammin vacation at Disney for that. Anyway, it was really nice to have friends there and AJ and Owen could not believe how much fun it was. They looked so cute sitting together in this big blow up chair throne at he head of the table, and they were given medals to wear around their necks at the end of the party. They thought that meant that they won the relay races and I didn't tell them differently.

So the gym put the presents in huge black garbage bags for us, 3 of them, and helped us carry them out to the car.  When we got back to the house we had a rest before delving into them. DH was really grumpy about it and kept saying how we don't have room for all this stuff and we have to take it back or wrap it up to regift. I told him we could do all that but for now we needed to open the presents and make thank you notes, then take ones away.

It is funny because after the first few presents the kids just wanted to play with some of the stuff they got and not do more an more. AJ actually hung in there a lot better than Owen and would come running to open a new one when I called her name while pulling out a new one from the huge plastic garbage bag. I felt kind of bad too because our friends were there with their kids and had to sit through the debauchery, definition- "Destroy or debase the moral purity of".

I felt kind of weird too since they had more gifts for me for tomorrow. But whatever. It was fine. We got them opened, packed in a huge gift bag and headed out for dinner at a local restarant that serves lots of vegetarian stuff and pasta. We sat outside so the kids could get up when they got antsly, and we were fine in sweaters which was great.  The best part was that they had a kids meal with chicken breast, broccoli and sweet potato fries. We got that for AJ and she just had this amazing meal put in front of her. The fries were different and "weird" enough that she didn't just eat them and not the good food. She ate her broccoli first and then the chicken. Autism mom's know how wonderful this is. Actually, any mom does.

So now my friend is sleeping on a blow up mattress in the baby room, my two little ones' are in bed here with me. DH is on the couch because he went out with friend's to see some bands play and came home to find his place taken by his kids. And my friend's kid is sleeping on the crib mattress placed between AJ and Owen's bed, on the floor (only they aren't in there anymore!) Our other friend's are at my parent's house. 

When I got up at 5am and went into the kitchen to get a drink of water. I came back to the living room and put a blanket over DH on the couch, then I looked at the huge bags of presents. I wondered if towards the end of month if we were going to be scavaging presents from the bag to take back for grocery money. It is nice to live for a few days as if we have money. But then it runs out. I will finish my photo montage for this next wedding after everyone goes home tomorrow, then bug my next bride for her payment and try and finish her wedding this week...before I go into labor. But, I am having a weird contraction right now...not a bx one. Oh boy.

DH is at band practice. Their label prospect told them he wants them to re-record the album, which none of the 5 members wants to even dream of doing. So they might have to shop the album around again. 

Then today his band found out that a compilation tribute album they were supposed to have a song on with some well known artists, finally came out. They were asked to contribute a cover song to this album two years ago and so DH's band learned, recorded and sent the song. Well, like I said this was 2 years ago and the compilation is finally coming out and was reviewed on Pitchfork. BUT...It turns out that their song was not put on the album, and to rub salt in the wound, a different band is on there who recorded the same song. They were really disappointed and insulted.

So DH said he hasn't mentioned my younger sister's big success story to his band.

I cleaned part of the house today. I cleaned the baby's room so it is spotless, even wiped the baseboards clean, that weren't even really dirty, and mopped with vinegar and mint oil. I cleaned my room too and we need to get the co-sleeper and car seat out of storage asap. I don't think I can wait a whole two weeks for this. I guess this is what nature does to you to make labor a little more bearable. It just makes the alternative seem worse. The baby is posterior. That means possible back labor. Whatever, I'm sure it will be fine. 

I'm dreading spending so much on this bday party. But the weekend will be fun with friends coming up.

me

getting close, maybe, maybe not

So this morning I was having Braxton Hicks contractions that were pretty intense. I was even wondering if I was in early labor. I had DH take the kids to school and be late to work and felt kind of guilty. But I slept for hours. I went in to see my midwife this afternoon and she said I was 1cm dialated and 60% effaced, which means it could be tonight or two weeks. So it means nothing. I knew that though. 

I am watching the Oprah clutter show and I am going to go and get rid of some clutter right now.

me.

This morning another mom from AJ's school stopped me in the hallway and told me she appreciated the letter. She said she is a child therapist and that she understood a lot about children on the spectrum and what the family's are dealing with. Then she told  me I was very accurate about a lot of stuff in my letter, which I couldn't help but think to myself, of course I was accurate. But I am so grateful to be getting these responses from the parents.

I ordered the kids bday cakes today. AJ got a Hello Kitty cake, like she has been asking for since Christmas and she knew her bday was coming up next. I took in a picture of the Rock Band DVD cover for Owen's cake and the baker thought she could recreate it at no extra cost.  I hope the kids love their cakes :) After we sing happy birthday I plan on whisking the cakes away to cut them so that when AJ gets her cake on a plate it isn't totally obvious that she is eating something different.

me.

the success is OK

So I wanted to add that I spoke to DH (who brought me flowers tonight BTW) and he said that my younger sister is a talented song writer, but if it weren't for her husband, the song that was chosen for the retailer's ad campaign would not have been written, and also her husband is a great marketer and if it were not for him the song would not have been heard by anyone, except maybe my sister would have emailed it to me. 

So without her husband there is no way the song would  have been sold or even known by a huge company. It is only because of his incredible management and marketing skills that it is known by anyone.  Not only that, a movie is a great thing to spend the money on and this one door of creativity is enabling them to open up another door of creativity. So that is a much better way of looking at their success. 

me.

So now it is the evening and it has been a little bit of an emotional day. I have been keeping my feelings in check very well this last home stretch of the pregnancy. But today I was a bit weepy. 

Something really good  happened though...

The mom who I have been asking over and over to get our girls together and who said yes but no plans, (who said I was amazing) called me today. She said that she got the letter about AJ and that she  had no idea that AJ had autism and that it was a really great letter. She told me that she had often suggested to her little girl that she get together and play with AJ but her daughter said that AJ just wasn't interested in her. She said that now she knew why. She said that she also wanted to rsvp for the party and that her daughter was coming.

So that made me weepy with relief. It was like a problem solved really. Oh the wonders of communication. I guess this time, in this situation, it was worth the risks of communication.

I spoke on the phone to a friend this afternoon about everything that is going on and that I have been blogging about. She was totally there for me and after I talked to her I felt refreshed and validated and relieved. I realized that out of all the stuff that is weighing on me right now, the thing that was bugging me the most was the completely minor issue of no Valentines present. So when DH called this afternoon I told him that, even though it felt petty and embarrassing to say. He was nice about it.  He said he would have to pick the flowers since we are waiting on a few late checks from clients. I said yes, that would be nice. The Azaleas are starting to bloom all over town :)

Something else good happened today. I got a thank you letter from a client about a photo montage I did for her. She completely gushed about it, saying amongst other things that it was "Completely magical and exceeded their every expectation." It was a bit much but definitely made me feel like it was worth the hard work with the of tons of quotes and scrolling text,  and the issues of trying to edit photos to music of which the specifically meaningful lyrics were in Greek. The very best part of her note was that she included a check $  that she owed, and that I had expected last week. So tonight after DH got back from his late meeting, he went right out to deposit the check and buy groceries.

So today was a good day...not quite sure why I cried through it.

Me.

Last night when I was sleeping I thought I heard my older sister call my name out loudly and clearly. I woke up and the baby was wiggling. I was comfy but decided to take it as a sign and moved onto my left side to make sure I wasn't on the cord or something like that. Her husband tried calling me last week, the day before Valentines day. I didn't call him back until the next evening when I thought he might be working, because I knew I wouldn't be able to handle the conversation. I finally talked to him this morning and he told me he was having a hard time last week. I told him about my dream, or whatever it was last night. But I was a bit removed talking about everything and I hope that wasn't hard on him. I just need to get through these next few weeks of having the baby and keeping it healthy or whatever is going to happen. I can help my sister's husband grieve after I make it through these enormous changes.

My younger sister in Tel Aviv called me yesterday and told me that a huge store in Israel, kind of like Israel's equivalent to H&M is offering to pay her band $20,000 to use on of their songs in an ad campaign. My first thought was that they could use that money to move back and put a down payment on an apartment in NY. But she said  that her husband isn't getting funding for his movie that he wants to make before they leave Israel and so they are going to use the money for that. It all sounds exciting and whatever, but I can't help but think that her wonderful creative imagination and song writing talents that are going to fund her husband's movie, is kind of bunk. It just seems typical of stuff in my family. We just piss away money. So I say that and his movie might be a success and I will eat my words and feel really guilty for writing this. But I just feel like us three girls sometimes are/were under-appreciated by the men in our life. I can write good songs too, but my husband is more interested in making songs with his guy band. He said that he can't believe that my younger sister's band got that song deal and his band is struggling to get a new record deal after being dropped by Sub Pop. I told him that if he wanted $20,000 for a song he should be playing in my band. He kind of laughed. Oh, and I got nothing for valentines day. Nothing.

This morning when I took AJ to school a mom that was dropping off her son told me thank you for the letter. My eloquent response was, "Oh, I'd forgotten about that." Then I kicked myself for not saying something normal like, "you are welcome, I appreciate your acknowledging it."

Oh well.

I'm exhausted. 2.5 weeks left?

me.

Tomorrow, even with my new due date, I will be 37 weeks which is considered full term. So if I went into labor they wouldn't give me drugs to stop it. I have a freakish looking belly and I'm a bit self conscious about what I look like. I pretty much look like Mr. Greedy, but my stomach is even more pointing out like a bullet rather than rounded like most pregnant people. Maybe it is because I am only 5'3" and pretty skinny.  The baby just lives in the front of my belly and sags it down a bit and points out. When I lie down in bed on my side it is like putting the baby next to me on the  bed too because my belly just rests like it is a layer of skin over a baby.

We had another wonderful day with AJ. How many is that now? She is talking and playing and answering and asking questions. Her conversation skills over the past 6 or 7 months have just exploded. She knows how to make sentences now. She knows how to communicate. Of course this is null and void when she is in a fog, but we have had no fog and she has been going to sleep with no melatonin.  I have been very strict about our new bedtime routine and it is working. I am just in shock over the success of the past few days. Tomorrow I will be sure to give her the shot and not forget.

My Mom admitted that seeing me now is a reminder of what should have been with my sister...when I confronted her about it/ discussed it with her on the phone. I feel a bit resentful in a weird way that the fact that I am alive and well, most likely going to have this baby and such...that she should get any pain out of that at all. But I know it is life and you can't help how you feel. I will never be her precious oldest daughter, and I don't want to be. I miss her too. But please don't look at me and be sad.

me.

So a separate post for separate feelings. My sister's husband (the sister who passed) called and left a message today and I didn't call him back yet. I didn't want to deal with his call. I know he is freaking about about Valentines day and that he is looking for comfort and support in me. I will call him tomorrow I think. I would like to go and see her grave mabye this weekend but I don't know. I am very conflicted about having this baby in my tummy for almost full term now. It doesn't seem fair that I will be standing at her grave with everything she ever wanted about to happen to me again while her baby lies next to her. It all seems so terribly wrong and I am in a place where I can't face it right now. I am working really hard to not panic. I am working hard to not panic that I know nothing about this baby because I didn't have a 20 week ultrasound or any tests. I don't even know if it has Downs. It is all so primitive how everything will be a surprise. 

So I am riding this wave of happiness that my pregnancy has given me as a gift. I have very little pain, except for when I think things are hard on AJ. I have been standing furthar from grief than I usually am and not feeling guilty about it because I need my head to be in the right place and not wracked with fear, panick or grief. I am worried that if I call her husband tomorrow that it will be too much for me. I can't be his leaning-post tomorrow. He can't lean on me or I might break, but how do I tell him that. He is probably feeling resentful that my path is where his should have been only a year an a half ago.  

I thought about my sister today, about how she spoke and about calling her and talking to her on the phone. I wondered how much drama over her son would have happened since he was supposed to have been born as she had a dramatic relationship with her husband that used to drive me nuts (another reason it is hard for me to give up my sanity to comfort him.) I thought about how I would like to be talking to her right now about these last few weeks and comparing notes. 

When I think about it I am shocked at how tragic it is over and over and over again. I wonder if I got in an accident if my baby would live because she/he is full term now. I am scared to drive to this wedding because I want to make it to my due date. But we are going to go anyway and I am not going to let fear make the decisions for me. 

So...that is what is plaguing me, and other weird fears that I don't feel like writing down. So I try to keep them away, and be healthy and happy and busy. Because what else am I going to do?

me.

Another good day today.  The kids had a lot of fun, starting in the morning. AJ wore her new Valentines dress with hearts all over it. My mom got it for her from Gymborie with even a head band and baretts to match. I secured the headband with the heart barretts so it didn't slip off and it was still in place when I picked her up in the afternoon. Owen also had a new red shirt to wear with guitars on it and we called it his rock-n-roll Valentine shirt. He liked that. AJ's aid called me this afternoon and told me that AJ had a really great day and she did lots of talking and made lots of eye contact. She said that she made sure that at the food party, that AJ only took fruits and meat and veggies and that there was so much of that, that AJ didn't have less on her plate than the other kids. She said she also made a sandwich out of the GFCF bread I sent, and diluted her juice. Wow, it is like having a nanny in class with her! She said that AJ played with a preschooler girl on the playground who was wearing the same dress as she.

When I picked up Owen he was very happy although he has a bit of a cold which is making him tired. I went through his bag and removed all candy except for a few pieces, so he could go through it at home and not know I had taken half of his stuff!

After getting AJ we just came home. We went through her bag of Valentines and I was amazed at how many parents had opted out of candy and did pencils and tiny activity books instead. I only had to take away one little packet of mnm's and AJ gave them to me and I traded them for some cookies my mom had made for her. She was very happy with that.  I turned on some music and cleaned the kitchen, then made DH some Toll House cookies for V day tomorrow. 

When the the cookies were cooled I took some big ones and put white icing on them in heart shapes and wrote a letter of his name on each heart with tiny chocolate chips. I would have liked to have done this with the kids but they would have begged for the icing at least and I just didn't want them to have any more sugar at all today. Owen typed fake names on the computer while I made the cookies, and called it his party list. AJ played with dolls in her room. Her play was interesting, very different from Monday and Tuesday. Today she had the dolls talking to each other but on Monday and Tuesday she was just lining them up and having them all say their age, one by one. I don't know why she had such autistic behavior on those days, and lots of typical behavior today. My guess is that she had too much sugar in her system, not enough protein...something was triggering sensory dysfunction. I have been strict about the diet (except for the cream cheese icing on yesterday's school cupcake, but the cupcake had no gluten and no soy) doing the Epsom Salts baths and keeping up well with the b12 shots, that she seems to not mind at all these days for some reason. I have been slacking on the probiotics.

The past 3 nights she has been going to sleep well. I started a strict bedtime routine. It is, get in bed at 7:30 and they can play or I can read them books or both. Then at 8:00 (and they have a clock in there to look at and I show them the time) it is lights out an they put their toys and books away. They can have teddy bears. They seem to have become used to this routine after only a few days of it and accept that this is how it is. In fact, tonight Owen called me in there when the clock turned 8:00 so that I could turn out the light. I thought that was pretty interesting. These kids like routine more than I realized. It is easier since they are both in the same room and see each other following the routine. I thought it would be harder with them in the same room but it weirdly seems to have worked well the past few nights. Owen still comes into our bed every night though and last night I was sleeping and didn't hear him get into bed, usually I sent him off to pee first. But not last night, and yes he did pee in my bed. I think he wakes up because he has to go to the bathroom then just comes into our room.

DH was saying that he wants Owen to stop coming into our bed before the baby is born. But I think that I can have the baby in the co sleeper and Owen in bed with us. I will see. If it doesn't work then I will change it, but I want to have as little change as possible at this point and I like having Owen there too. I know it won't last forever. He is not going to want to snuggle with mommy and daddy his whole life. So for now, we will see. Maybe it isn't the best idea since the baby will probably wake him up with crying for feeds. Maybe I will just have DH take Owen back to bed after 5 minutes of hugs, when he is starting to settle back to sleep. We will see. I am really glad that AJ hasn't been coming in our room until the morning. When she is up at night she stays up for hours and keeps me up too. So I am very happy that she is not doing that these days. That phase of hers seems to have passed for now.

I have finally had a few Braxton hicks contractions. It is so weird that I got them all the time with the first two pregnancies and am only starting to get mild ones now with this pregnancy. I kind of wish I could just have the baby now. I know I am not far enough along and I need to be wishing for the due date, no earlier no later. But  I am no good with anticipation, the house is clean, it would solve some scheduling issues with work. I don't know. I just want the waiting to stop. But then again....DH and I are planning on going to see a movie tomorrow night while my parents watch the kids. That won't happen for a long time after the baby is born.

Oh! I almost forgot. AJ got her doll tonight for being good the whole rest of the week and not hitting. DH and I went in together to her room and DH gave it to her while I explained that here was the doll we promised on Friday as her reward for no hitting, and for her good behavior. She was so excited, more so than I realized she would be. She came and found me a half hour later and showed me that she had put tiny flower stickers all over the dolls shirt and how pretty it looked! I was excited that she brought something to show me...another typical behavior. Then tonight when she got stroppy about going to bed I told her that if she was a good listener all week again, that she would get another surprise next Friday.

I know it doesn't seem fair that Owen isn't in on this. But he is perfectly happy playing Rock Band whenever I let him (only at night when Daddy gets home.) And I just bribe him with that, or tell him he can't play Rock Band tomorrow if he doesn't clean up his toys. Then he gets a big high five when the cleaning is done. He seems happy with it and I am not completely comfortable with using material things/dolls/toys as bribes. But I needed something for AJ and this seems to be working well for now. I have a feeling that she views this doll as a symbol of her good behavior. She wanted that to be one of her sleep teddy bears tonight. She is very proud of it.

Goodnight for now,

me.

(Have I written yet that the baby is in the right position now? yay!)

I just finished 26 valentines instead of the wedding video I was supposed to be working on.

The kids are asleep and DH came back from evening soccer practice just long enough to take a shower before he was off to band practice. At least his guilt made him very sweet. He keeps disappearing saying he won't be able to after the baby is born. It is kind of annoying, but tonight I don't mind. He would just be playing video games anyway which is annoying.  OK, so even though it sounds like it I am not mad at him. I am just happy right now. I am happy that AJ had a wonderful day at school (I talked to her aid on the phone and got the scoop.) That automatically puts me in a good mood. And I only have about 3 weeks left of being preggers for the last time. I am so antsy but I just keeping telling myself to enjoy the last pregnancy. I am happy that AJ has the prettiest dress from Gymborie to wear tomorrow that my mom got her with Gymbucks. It has hearts all over it and AJ has been so excited to wear it to school. She has tried to put it on every morning but I keep telling her to wait until Friday. She also gets her doll for not hitting for the rest of the week. I got the doll from Owen's preschool because they have a share shelf where you can bring old toys you don't want and take other toys that you like that are on the shelf. So I can get AJ and Owen some reward toys from the table and get rid of stuff they don't play with anymore, its great!

Tomorrow they are having a food party at school, which is why I called her aid, who promised to be there during the party so she could closely monitor AJ and make sure she doesn't eat a bunch of food that she shouldn't have. Her aid is great, I really like her and I really like how much she likes AJ. 

I took the letter in this morning and it went home with the kids tonight. I wonder if I will hear anything back from it tomorrow or next week. hmmm. 

I am going to have a  huge glass of water then go to bed.

Goodnight,

me

Well here is the happier post  I promised. AJ had a much better day today and was an angel. I don't know if it is because over the past few days I have kept sugar out of her diet and been strict with the GFCFSF and got her back on schedule with her b12. Or because she had a very hard time adjusting to going back to school and now she simply has settled. But tonight at bed she was calm and happy and talkative, completely different from this little wild enraged animal kicking her legs in the air while lying on her back on her bed. I was amazed kissing her head tonight as she smiled up at me with her huge brown eyes. I said, "I love you,"

She said, "I like you."

"Do you love me?"

"Yes."

I said, "I like you too."

"I like Darby" (a little girl in her class.)

"Yes, I like her too. She's a nice girl." 

Now I just need to find out if Darby will come to her party. :)

So based on a blog comment, (thank you to those who comment, it does make a difference!) I decided it was time to put together a letter to the parents of the children in AJ's class. I typed it up this afternoon before I went to pick her up, then took it with me and showed it to her teacher when we were all sitting outside at pick up. I told her teacher that it was a rough draft and I wanted to make sure that the tone was OK (not negative at all) and if she thought it was even necessary. She read it and told me that she thought it was perfect and that we should have done this at the beginning of the year. She said that I need to send this home to the parents now and be sure to do it again in 1st grade.

Here is the letter (I am printing out 24 copies now and will send it home with the kids tomorrow):

Dear Parents,

I am writing a note to talk a little bit about autism. I am not sure how many parents know that my daughter, AJ, has high functioning autism. It is hard to tell at first because she does not have many of the “classic symptoms.” I don’t know if your child has mentioned AJ at all, or her differences, but I would like to give you a brief explanation about how the autism affects her and perhaps your child in the class.

AJ is a remarkably intelligent little girl with many gifts. She is able to think in a creative way that is surprising and enjoyable to her progressive teachers. Although there are many things that she can do very well and beyond her years, socializing is not one of them. It is difficult for AJ to make eye contact for more than a few seconds at a time. Sometimes she will walk away while her classmates are talking to her and even speak to them while walking away from them. I think this is confusing for her peers and may often be perceived as her being rude or that she doesn’t like them. It also may imply a lack of intelligence, which simply is not the case.

At one point we had a friend from the Center for Autism and Related Disabilities come and talk to the class about AJ and during this talk she mentioned that when AJ ignores her classmates she is not being intentionally rude. I think, however, this is a difficult concept for children to really understand and the guidance of a parent will help. AJ does very much enjoy interacting with her classmates but a real connection takes a patience on the part of her peers which just isn’t practical to expect in a kindergartener. Surprisingly though, I have found that many of her peers are very sophisticated in their ability to interpret her actions and are very sweet to her. This is huge for AJ and keeps her happy while she learns. (A small gesture such as making a space in the morning circle for her to sit down goes further than you can imagine!)

One of the most interesting things about AJ’s autism is that she does completely understand facial expressions and actions towards her, although she does not have the ability to consistently and effectively express back what she is also thinking and feeling…thus ending a conversation. She does know who are best friends in the class and she often plays at home with toys that represent the kids that she spends the most time with. I am sure she is much more interested in her classmates than they would ever guess or imagine.

On a final note, we are able to help her enormously by taking wheat-gluten, soy and casein (a protein found in cows milk) out of her diet. We do low sugar and salt, and keep preservatives out of her diet. The difference that diet makes in her ability to interact and focus well is incredible. Autism is not “who she is.” It is a barrier that we are able to shed at times and we get remarkable, occasional glimpses of “typical behavior.”

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I wanted to offer up some information as I am sure some parents have heard different bits and pieces so I wanted to be more clear. I will be happy to answer any questions and so will Ms. Darry. AJ is having such a great year with her class and we are proud of her huge accomplishments and the insight and encouragement that her teachers bring to the table on a daily basis.


(our names) parents to AJ, Owen, and soon #3


p.s. Ms. Darry wanted me to add that she has an article available in the classroom for any parents who are interested in reading more general information about autism in young children.

4 weeks to go till due date

Today AJ's aid told me that AJ was crying a lot at school today. She didn't want to do her work and was very upset throughout the afternoon. This evening DH asked her who her friends are, and she named all of my friend's children and no one in her class. 

I asked her tonight why she was sad at school today and she said it was because Kyle (her new aid) wouldn't let her have fun. So maybe she is just having trouble adjusting to having to do work after a week of relaxing. I don't know. 

I'm still checking my emails for those birthday party rsvp's. I only invited the girls in AJ's class because it is $200 to have the party at the gym then $12 per child after 10 kids and I don't want to end up paying $400 for their joint birthday party. But it looks like now that maybe I need to send those invites out to the boys too. I can't have only two kids from AJ's class showing up and lots from Owen's. When I picked AJ up from school today I told a little girl Christine who is in AJ's class and who was showing me her teddy bear, that she was invited to AJ's birthday party. She said very unenthusiastically, "Yea, I got the invitation" and that was it. I can't let one little girls negativity get me down about all the kids.  I did this party at the gym because I thought it would be easy on me to not have to do anything. Now I'm thinking that Disney World might have been the way to go!

Oh, I just remembered this...this morning when I dropped AJ off at school, another mom who I have asked 3 times to get the kids together with lots of  yes's but no plans happening...was walking her child behind me and said to me, "I just want you to know that I think you are amazing."

I was very surprised and said "Oh thanks." Then in the car I thought to myself, what the hec does that mean? Is it because I was walking my autistic child to class with my watermelon baby belly, attending Daisy Scout meetings (that this mom was at), organizing a birthday party and begging people to push their kids into being friends with my daughter? Or did she really mean that she thinks I am crazy? 

me.

p.s. I do realize these haven't been the happiest posts, but I do stay optimistic and am very excited about the new addition to the family on the way. I promise to have some more upbeat blog posts coming up!!

Catch up blog:

I did put the kids in the same room and now we have a lovely baby room that we put together this weekend. I cleaned the house so it was spotless and put all the clean laundry away so everything is now organized.

I have not talked to my dad about the love letter Christmas card. I'm not sure if I am going to. A friend told me that it was a huge stress to take 0n and this might be something I should leave for my parents to work out between themselves. I don't know, but for now I am going to lie low.

So we are back to freak out phase again. AJ has decided to start hitting. Yesterday when I put her in time out she leaned back and kicked my belly hard. I told her she was grounded from ice cream(rice cream)  for a week. Tonight when she had to clean up or time out she hit me again in the belly. I was so angry I spanked her and she laughed. I don't want to spank her, I don't think it helps and it only make me look and feel like things are completely out of control. But I am so, so sad that she is hitting my belly. It makes me dislike her and she is my own daughter. There is nothing that makes me more angry than her showing violence towards the baby. When I spanked her I wanted her to cry and be sorry but she laughed and lay on her back on her bed and kicked in the air. I felt like I was on a bad episode of Super Nanny. I really could have used Super Nanny tonight. I can't leave AJ and shut the door because she destroys everything in her room. I have to sit there and hold her down.  And I just can't believe it when she struggles to get free so she can hit again. She knows there is a baby in there. We talk about it all the time and she constantly want to look at and feel my belly. When she climbs on my bed for a hug we talk about how she has to climb on the bottom of the bed and come around so she doesn't squoosh my belly. She understands that there is a baby in there and that mommy and baby can be hurt by squooshing the belly. She even knows not to touch  my belly button because I tell her it is sensitive. That is why I feel such anger when she hits it because she knows the severity of it. I need to take a time out myself. When I take her away from the situation and sit with her, it is like giving her what she wants. She wanted to not clean up, she likes sitting with mommy, acting out gets her attention. But like I said, if I leave her she destroys her room. I have to think of a plan that involves no hitting on my part,  and of not loosing my cool, no matter what.

So she finally settled down and I said I was done for the night. DH is doing the going in every 10 minutes thing to check on her tonight. We bribe her to stay in bed by saying if you are in bed in 10 minutes we will sit with you for a minute and give you a kiss and a hug. But if she is out of bed we leave.  So DH is in there with her now. I am disgusted and I feel like a terrible mom for being so angry and disappointed and worried and struggling with not holding a grudge against my autistic 5-year-old.  It is just that my belly is so huge now. It is sticking out like a watermelon, I am getting constant comments, and AJ is using it as a punching bag. I want to keep her at a distance at a time that I know she needs me more than ever. But how on Earth do I teach her not not hit and to especially not hit my belly? Why doesn't she  understand that? Why isn't that ingrained in her being and what does this mean when she is a teenager if she so obviously have no self control or concept of not crossing the line.  She is up crying "ma ma" now and I just went and told her that if she hits, mama is done. And I left. I guess that is a way to get her to understand the severity, to not go back and act like everything is OK. 

#2 The kids are having a joint birthday party at a local gym on Sat the 21st. Almost everyone that Owen has invited has already RSVPd and said they are coming. Only one girl from AJ's class has RSVP'd and that is it. So far she has 1 classmate coming to her birthday party and Owen has 8. 

#3 AJ went back to school this Monday morning after being out for a whole week. When her classmate came back to school after being out for a week, everyone gathered around her and gave her a hug. No one greeted AJ. When she went to look at what the boys were doing, Jad gave her a stern look, then looked around for me and looked back at me and saw me looking at him and he looked down at the ground and didn't tell her to get lost. 

I just know she is this amazing child and has so  much inside of her but this autism thing just mixes it all up. It makes it so that she can't present or express herself that allows others to see how magical and wonderful she is. She doesn't validate anyone. Oprah said once that she knows how to deal with people because she validates everyone. If she doesn't agree, she still says, "I understand what you are saying...this is my view/comment." But she first says that she understands, which validates people.  This is something that AJ doesn't ever, ever do. Maybe someday I will be able to teach her that. For now we have to get this fog cleared. She was completely clear of fog the whole 7 days she had a fever. Now that she is better she is in a sensory hell-fog. I gave her way too much sugar over the past few days to try and get her to just eat. Two days ago she had rice cream 3 times a day and lots of fruit. So perhaps we are dealing with a yeast problem and perhaps the fevers help to kill that off. I don't know I don't know and once again, I don't know. I guess I need to make another Dr. appt with her "progressive" Dr who is out of town.

#3 On a better note, I had a midwife appt today and she told me that the baby is head down now and no longer sideways. I actually let her do a sonogram. She  said they had a machine and she would do a quick scan. She literally put the scanner on my belly, said yep, that's a head, and stopped. It probably took about 5 seconds, and I knew it would which is why I did it. I love this practice. I went to check out and told them two weeks (instead of 1) and she said OK and scheduled me 2 weeks out. My midwife doesn't check the cervix until 40 weeks so I don't have to worry about being poked and prodded and malled over the last few appts. That definitely appeals to me. I don't know why they do that anyway. Now that I know the baby is head down I feel like I will be able to labor at home for a good amount of time and I don't have to worry about going in as soon as I go into labor incase the baby doesn't turn and I need a C-section.

All is quiet in the kids room. DH gave AJ a melatonin for the first time in over a month and is now watching the Presidential News Conference.

I guess I will do some editing. sigh.

me.

The baby has more room by lying sideways. Perhaps it is already really smart?

Transverse

I looked up "sidways baby pregnant" online and found out that my baby is in the transverse position. This happens 1 in 2500 births according to the last website I looked at. It is risky if my water breaks apparently and I have to get a C-section as soon as I go into labor. I'm starting to kind of wish I was at the other, more organized practice. Maybe I should have gotten that ultrasound.

But...I am going to try acupuncture since that is what got my friend's baby to turn. I have a few weeks too. But why does this little one have to bee so different already when I so yearn for normal and boring.

I cleaned the house tonight after finishing a wedding video I promised would be out this week. I have been very busy working because of this wedding and the photo montage I overnighted on Tuesday. So when I was done with this wedding and waiting for the DVD to render (it takes hours) I cleaned the house. I was furious with DH for playing video games while I cleaned and eventually turned the Playstation off in the middle of his soccer match. He went into our room in a huff. I know it was very rude to do but oh so satisfying. I almost apologized to him an hour afterwards, but since I was still cleaning away and he was lying in bed watching TV shows on the laptop, I decided I didn't feel like apologizing. 

AJ has no fever tonight for the first time in 7 days, but I am going to keep her home tomorrow anyway and so she will be fresh and healthy and ready for school on Monday. She barely ate again today and her stomach has been off all day. So she needs some time to fully recover and this weekend will be the time she needs. The house was a disaster and I feel so much better now that it is tidy. I still have to do a big clean this weekend. We have all Ikea furniature and it cleans up quite nicely. 

DH's Dad has been emailing me lots of evangelist emails and I think he is kind of sad and looking for answers to why his son died and why he is watching his wife suffer through alzheimers. So I emailed him a picture of AJ and then sent him an email about what is going on, just a chatty one. I need to email him more often so he feels a part of things. 

So this weekend for sure we are going to put AJ and Owen in the same room and have a baby room. Gosh I would love to have one of those rockers in the baby room...a yellow one. But I doubt it will happen. We have way more important stuff to spend our money on right now.

Bye for now,

me.

Sideways

It is almost 6am and I have been awake since 4am. This happened with both of my last pregnancies too so I'm not too worried about it. There is only so long I can lie on my left side and it seems like 5 or 6 hours is the max. AJ is up too and it lying down on the couch. She might have dozed off. We are still dealing with fevers but now they are at 101 which seems low to me now after the 103's of a couple days ago. So no school again tomorrow. That will be 4 days of missing school and I have a feeling I will keep her out on Friday too since she still won't eat more than strawberries for dinner, or lunch for that matter. She usually is such a good eater.

So I have talked to a few friends about my Dad, one who worked with him too and they all think that it was some crazy lady who sent him the card. I tend to agree and I'm not too worried about it anymore. I will talk to my mom about it again soon I think.

So the baby is still sideways. I have never heard of a sideways baby. I have only ever heard of breach or right way round. This should be interesting.
me.

Fever gets rid of sensory issues

We are now on day 4 of AJ's flu. I took her to her pediatrician today after more than 3 days of 103+ fevers and they did a flu test which is a swab on the back of the throat. I didn't know they could do that. And yes, she has it. But her throat, ears and chest are all great. The pediatrician said for having the flu, AJ looks really good and that the fevers aren't too worrysome.

 I told her pediatrician that this flu we have been dealing with is bitter sweet though because AJ seems completely shed of all sensory issues. She is focussed and interested and makes great eye contact. She is calm and if she was like this all the time I would consider her very close to being recovered. I love it when she is like this. She has been sleeping in our bed which usually is awful because she picks at me. But these past few days she is calm and doesn't need to constantly fidgit. Her conversation skills are flowing and make sense and she looks at me while we talk. This is not something that happens like this when AJ is not sick with a fever. I have been getting lots of hugs randomly. It is wonderful. I wish I could bottle it.

But when the fevers get really high she is very sick and very upset and I get really worried about her. We have been doing warm baths when it gets into the high 103's and she hates that but is very well behaved. This whole thing is so odd. I don't know what her body is fighting off while she has a fever but it comes back when her fever and illnesses have gone and her sensory issues kick in again. Why isn't this being studied? I know I am not the only mom saying this.

me.

Falling to Bits

So yesterday my mom and I went out to lunch. She has been grumpy with my dad recently and while we were driving to the restaurant she told me that she was not mad at him but wanted to punish him. I asked her why, a little alarmed. 

I said, "What did he do?"

"When I was opening up the Christmas cards on the morning of Claire's wedding, I looked in it and there was a love note to him. It said, to the man I love, then there was a love note inside."

"What?"

"And it was when all our relatives were sitting around the table. I just handed it to him."

When we got inside the restaurant she pulled the card out of her purse and handed it to me. I read the note that said stuff like, "Why did you stop calling me? I still love you."

Mom told me that Dad just blows it off and said it is some crazy lady from his old work. But she is furious.

I'm angry too but I knew he had contacts like these. He enjoys the attention and he doesn't know how to tell people to get lost. He has no judge of character when it comes to letting crazy people into his life, especially desperate women. He listens, he tries to help and doesn't understand when they are trying to manipulate him because they have a crush on him. He has always been like this. If people are crazy he deems them eccentric and accepts them because he has always been a bit pretty much a social outcast. He is a nice guy and a magnet for people who want to attach themselves to a nice guy.

Recently though, since my sister passed he hasn't been the same and I have a hard time connecting with him. I will never be my sister, whom he had a very close relationship with. And he has just always driven me nuts, even though I love him dearly. 

Now my Mom, who has always been a bit alarmingly impatient with him, feels betrayed. She said she knows that it is some crazy lady from his work but she just can't shake it. He won't talk about it and she doesn't want to press the issue so she is just fuming. He has to live with her anger and she has to too. The thing is that her pain, and my Dad's pain gives too much credit to this person who sent the card. It is not worth their pain.

I don't know what to do. My sister would have known what to do. I told mom pretty  much what I wrote here, that dad just lets people into his life and tries to help them when no one else will and so they "fall in love" with him, because he isn't mean to them. He doesn't find it disgusting when a woman attaches herself to him because she is desperate. He doesn't realize this is not a compliment. My mom appreciated my explanation. But I also told her that if she still has unanswered questions, then she will never get closure and that she needs to bring it up and demand real answers. Maybe that was wrong advice but I don't know, I can't imagine just sitting on this.

For me, I am at a loss. I don't know if I should bring it up or talk to him about it. I was thinking about calling him or going for a walk with him and talking about it with him without any anger and just discussing it with him. I know it isn't my business but it hurts my heart too. My family was my rock and now with my sister's death and then my Mom reading love notes to her husband written by another woman, it just seems like things will never be right again. I know they are not horrible. I don't think my dad is or ever was cheating on her. I do think he might have looked for comfort in someone who wasn't grieving when my sister passed because it is impossible to seek real comfort in someone who is going through the same terrible pain. But what about my mom? It isn't fair for her if he looked for that elsewhere while she struggled on her own.

So I am sad tonight and conflicted. So much stuff is going on but this is sitting at the front of my mind, hence, the blog.

 I don't know what to do. I guess I will keep thinking about it but I feel so sorry for my Mom, and my Dad kind of too.

me.