So a separate post for separate feelings. My sister's husband (the sister who passed) called and left a message today and I didn't call him back yet. I didn't want to deal with his call. I know he is freaking about about Valentines day and that he is looking for comfort and support in me. I will call him tomorrow I think. I would like to go and see her grave mabye this weekend but I don't know. I am very conflicted about having this baby in my tummy for almost full term now. It doesn't seem fair that I will be standing at her grave with everything she ever wanted about to happen to me again while her baby lies next to her. It all seems so terribly wrong and I am in a place where I can't face it right now. I am working really hard to not panic. I am working hard to not panic that I know nothing about this baby because I didn't have a 20 week ultrasound or any tests. I don't even know if it has Downs. It is all so primitive how everything will be a surprise. 

So I am riding this wave of happiness that my pregnancy has given me as a gift. I have very little pain, except for when I think things are hard on AJ. I have been standing furthar from grief than I usually am and not feeling guilty about it because I need my head to be in the right place and not wracked with fear, panick or grief. I am worried that if I call her husband tomorrow that it will be too much for me. I can't be his leaning-post tomorrow. He can't lean on me or I might break, but how do I tell him that. He is probably feeling resentful that my path is where his should have been only a year an a half ago.  

I thought about my sister today, about how she spoke and about calling her and talking to her on the phone. I wondered how much drama over her son would have happened since he was supposed to have been born as she had a dramatic relationship with her husband that used to drive me nuts (another reason it is hard for me to give up my sanity to comfort him.) I thought about how I would like to be talking to her right now about these last few weeks and comparing notes. 

When I think about it I am shocked at how tragic it is over and over and over again. I wonder if I got in an accident if my baby would live because she/he is full term now. I am scared to drive to this wedding because I want to make it to my due date. But we are going to go anyway and I am not going to let fear make the decisions for me. 

So...that is what is plaguing me, and other weird fears that I don't feel like writing down. So I try to keep them away, and be healthy and happy and busy. Because what else am I going to do?

me.