So we are back to freak out phase again. AJ has decided to start hitting. Yesterday when I put her in time out she leaned back and kicked my belly hard. I told her she was grounded from ice cream(rice cream)  for a week. Tonight when she had to clean up or time out she hit me again in the belly. I was so angry I spanked her and she laughed. I don't want to spank her, I don't think it helps and it only make me look and feel like things are completely out of control. But I am so, so sad that she is hitting my belly. It makes me dislike her and she is my own daughter. There is nothing that makes me more angry than her showing violence towards the baby. When I spanked her I wanted her to cry and be sorry but she laughed and lay on her back on her bed and kicked in the air. I felt like I was on a bad episode of Super Nanny. I really could have used Super Nanny tonight. I can't leave AJ and shut the door because she destroys everything in her room. I have to sit there and hold her down.  And I just can't believe it when she struggles to get free so she can hit again. She knows there is a baby in there. We talk about it all the time and she constantly want to look at and feel my belly. When she climbs on my bed for a hug we talk about how she has to climb on the bottom of the bed and come around so she doesn't squoosh my belly. She understands that there is a baby in there and that mommy and baby can be hurt by squooshing the belly. She even knows not to touch  my belly button because I tell her it is sensitive. That is why I feel such anger when she hits it because she knows the severity of it. I need to take a time out myself. When I take her away from the situation and sit with her, it is like giving her what she wants. She wanted to not clean up, she likes sitting with mommy, acting out gets her attention. But like I said, if I leave her she destroys her room. I have to think of a plan that involves no hitting on my part,  and of not loosing my cool, no matter what.

So she finally settled down and I said I was done for the night. DH is doing the going in every 10 minutes thing to check on her tonight. We bribe her to stay in bed by saying if you are in bed in 10 minutes we will sit with you for a minute and give you a kiss and a hug. But if she is out of bed we leave.  So DH is in there with her now. I am disgusted and I feel like a terrible mom for being so angry and disappointed and worried and struggling with not holding a grudge against my autistic 5-year-old.  It is just that my belly is so huge now. It is sticking out like a watermelon, I am getting constant comments, and AJ is using it as a punching bag. I want to keep her at a distance at a time that I know she needs me more than ever. But how on Earth do I teach her not not hit and to especially not hit my belly? Why doesn't she  understand that? Why isn't that ingrained in her being and what does this mean when she is a teenager if she so obviously have no self control or concept of not crossing the line.  She is up crying "ma ma" now and I just went and told her that if she hits, mama is done. And I left. I guess that is a way to get her to understand the severity, to not go back and act like everything is OK. 

#2 The kids are having a joint birthday party at a local gym on Sat the 21st. Almost everyone that Owen has invited has already RSVPd and said they are coming. Only one girl from AJ's class has RSVP'd and that is it. So far she has 1 classmate coming to her birthday party and Owen has 8. 

#3 AJ went back to school this Monday morning after being out for a whole week. When her classmate came back to school after being out for a week, everyone gathered around her and gave her a hug. No one greeted AJ. When she went to look at what the boys were doing, Jad gave her a stern look, then looked around for me and looked back at me and saw me looking at him and he looked down at the ground and didn't tell her to get lost. 

I just know she is this amazing child and has so  much inside of her but this autism thing just mixes it all up. It makes it so that she can't present or express herself that allows others to see how magical and wonderful she is. She doesn't validate anyone. Oprah said once that she knows how to deal with people because she validates everyone. If she doesn't agree, she still says, "I understand what you are saying...this is my view/comment." But she first says that she understands, which validates people.  This is something that AJ doesn't ever, ever do. Maybe someday I will be able to teach her that. For now we have to get this fog cleared. She was completely clear of fog the whole 7 days she had a fever. Now that she is better she is in a sensory hell-fog. I gave her way too much sugar over the past few days to try and get her to just eat. Two days ago she had rice cream 3 times a day and lots of fruit. So perhaps we are dealing with a yeast problem and perhaps the fevers help to kill that off. I don't know I don't know and once again, I don't know. I guess I need to make another Dr. appt with her "progressive" Dr who is out of town.

#3 On a better note, I had a midwife appt today and she told me that the baby is head down now and no longer sideways. I actually let her do a sonogram. She  said they had a machine and she would do a quick scan. She literally put the scanner on my belly, said yep, that's a head, and stopped. It probably took about 5 seconds, and I knew it would which is why I did it. I love this practice. I went to check out and told them two weeks (instead of 1) and she said OK and scheduled me 2 weeks out. My midwife doesn't check the cervix until 40 weeks so I don't have to worry about being poked and prodded and malled over the last few appts. That definitely appeals to me. I don't know why they do that anyway. Now that I know the baby is head down I feel like I will be able to labor at home for a good amount of time and I don't have to worry about going in as soon as I go into labor incase the baby doesn't turn and I need a C-section.

All is quiet in the kids room. DH gave AJ a melatonin for the first time in over a month and is now watching the Presidential News Conference.

I guess I will do some editing. sigh.

me.