Facebook is kind of Funny

When I look at my profile facebook page it looks like I have this super-interesting, fun life with tons of amazing friends. It is kind of a reminder of how lucky I am. But what is funny is that the truth lying beneath it is not so rosy. Like, I wrote how we went to Miami yesterday to get passports for the kids since we are going to England next week to attend my Grandmother's memorial service. Anyway, this all looks very interesting, but I don't mention of course how the drive was really scary for me because of my anxiety disorder (and I was the passenger not the driver.) I feel like many of my posts have underlying things in there that I don't mention and I wonder if this is the same for other people. When I look at my high school friend's profile pages, sometimes it looks like everyone has this amazing life, but I have to remember that the profile pages are what people choose for their books "cover."
My friends all do Facebook and when we get together we take lots of pictures and post them all. It is like a big advertizement for how cool we are or something when the opposite is true. We are are struggling and have problems, some of us serious problems, amongst of course, joy also and a strong bond of friendship. But the photos show us all smiling and hanging out and having a great time with the girls. They don't show that we talked about autism or my friend's daughter who is regressing because of her seisures. All people see when they look at my page is the smiles, the friends, the summary of each story that has so much more to it than what is posted.
I feel like I have been posting a lot of deaths recently. My cat/1st baby died two weeks ago and everyone comforted me with their 2 sentence words of sympathy. Then my Grandma died and I posted something about that and got more sympathy. It is just knid of weird really. So why do I post? I don't know. I suppose I want my friend's to know this stuff. It is like letting everyone know without having to email them and if my friend's want to know what is gong on it is very easy for them to check in on my profile page. The very weird part though is the people who I am "friends" with who I am really just aquaintences with. I wonder if they get tired of my "feeds" about my life. I guess they can easily not see my feeds anymore. I wonder how many people have done that.
me.

Won't Do Classwork

Another day of school work strike. She came home with 5 worksheets to complete that she didn't do at school. After speech, we sat at the table and did school work for an hour or more. At one point I took her hand and wrote her sentences for her. This is ridiculous. I don't know why she can't just do her work like she always did before 1st grade. And why is an aid getting paid to let her leave school without completing her work? If I can get her to do it in an hour, her aid should be able to get her to do it in the 6 hours of her school day. I don't know...

me

Bullying....anxiety......getting better....happiness.

So my friends and family do not read this blog. They know I have a "secret" blog and that is about it. Isn't that weird? I like that I can just pretty much say what I want, say the truth and exactly how I feel.. and get some feedback from other autism moms and such.

Bullying the autistic kid:

AJ came home from school yesterday saying that some kid, Thomas told her she was "really stupid," and "not pretty." She said he came over and pushed her in the playground and then when they were back inside the classroom he threw her name tag in the trash and that her teacher didn't have anymore tape...whatever that meant...but she was very upset about it. She said she didn't want to go to school anymore now. So I called her teacher right away.

Her teacher had given me her home phone at the beginning of the year and I decided this was the time to use it. I called and left a message about what AJ had told me. I couldn't help but think though that maybe this Thomas kid perhaps had a crush on AJ. The thing is, is that AJ is quite remarkably pretty and people often comment on her looks and I know the kids in her class do think she is pretty. So he was trying to get a rise out of her (probably because she was ignoring him). But even so, he mustn't be allowed to torment her. She said he had left his soccer match with the boys to come over to her to push her, then went back to his soccer match. That sounds like a 1st grade crush to me really. But even so, she was threatened by it and didn't want to go to school because of it, so it needed to be stopped.

Well her teacher did not call me back last night so I went in a little bit early this morning and her teacher saw me and said, "Ahh! I got your message. We need to talk!!".

We stepped outside the classroom and her teacher told me that she didn't call me back last night because she didn't get my message until 11pm, but then she was so troubled by it that she couldn't sleep afterwards. So she looked online and chatted with other teachers about what to do. She then told me that her plan was that she needed me to tell her 3 things that AJ does, that shows she is super smart, and that she will share these 3 things with the rest of the class.

So I said, "She often tells me, 'Mom, when you are 46 I will be 16' and she can figure out pretty much any age difference between herself and any member of the family at any time in our future."

Her teacher said, "OK, so she can do double digit addition and subtraction in her head. Give me 2 more things."

"Well, she could read small words when she was only 2"

"OK, one more"

"She knew all of her states and capitals when she was 2."

"OK, perfect"

"But I don't think she knows them anymore though."

"That's OK, I've got my 3. What I'm going to do is have her aid take her out of the class and I am going to tell her class just how smart AJ is! Now I have to go in and teach." She hurried back inside her classroom, leaving me standing outside, holding Emmy, feeling a bit dazed.

So I went and got in the car feeling a bit troubled. It didn't seem like a typical way to approach this. I thought that she would take Thomas aside and help him and AJ have a dialogue about what was wrong, and then tell Thomas that it is not OK for him to push or call her stupid etc. But instead her teacher would be taking her out of the classroom, singling her out again, and addressing the whole class about the issue, who are all fine with her. So I sat in the car nd thought about going into the office and asking them to have the teacher call me when she gets a second. But I also didn't want to make a huge deal out of it. You have to pick your battles and since this was in the works of being resolved, I decided to trust her teacher and see how this odd approach went.

So when I went to pick up AJ this afternoon she came out with a huge smile on her face. Her teacher, the assistant teacher, and her aid all told me that AJ had a great day and that their talk with the class worked really well. Her teacher then told me that the kids in her class are very smart, very competitive and judgmental. She said that explaining how smart AJ actually is, made them have more respect for AJ and that she thought it helped immensely. She said that she told the class that they have to treat everyone properly, not just AJ. That sounded pretty good to me.

Taking AJ out of the classroom didn't seem to have a negative affect as AJ was really happy and even a bit chatty which is highly unusual. When we got in the car I asked her how it was with Thomas today and she said brightly, "It was really good!!!"

I couldn't help myself. I said, "See, I told you I could fix it."

I know that sounds totally self-serving, especially since I didn't fix it, her teachers did. But I wanted her to know that if she does confide in me when she has a problem, that I might actually be able to help her. So maybe this connection will keep her communicating with me when she is upset about something so that I can always try and help her.

I used to help my little sister when she was bullied. In fact, the only fist fight I have ever been in in my life was over some girl being mean to my sister. The same day my sister told me this girl was tormenting her in school, I remember I saw the girl that night in a teeny bopper dance club that we all went to and she walked past me and bumped me with her arm so I pushed her. She walked up and stuck her face in mine so I punched her right in the face. She ran away, which is funny because I am only 5'3" and was pretty skinny at that time in my life...I was 18. Anyway, the bullying of my little sister stopped and the girl, Jen, even apologized to me a year later for all of the stupid drama.

I helped my little sister another time when some kid, Ben, was yelling, "jew" at her in the hallway. The dumbest thing about that is that we are not even jewish. Our maiden name is jewish because my grandfather on my dad's side was, but everyone else wasn't and so no one, especially jews, consider our family to be jewish. But it was odd that he was yelling it at her to be, I don't know, racist or something. It was pretty disturbing.

The thing about my little sister is that she was very very pretty and never spoke a word in high school...not one word. So I think this kid was trying to get a rise out of her. But she hated school and didn't want to go because of this odd, nasty, yelling at her in the hallway. So I fixed it because I was friends with one of Ben's best friend's...a best friend who was older than Ben and I figured was kind of a mentor. So I called him up and told him what was going on and asked him to make Ben stop...and he did, and my sister was happy once again.

There is one time in my life that I was not able to fend off a bully. I was the one being bullied and I have always fended off anyone who tried to mess with me. I worked with her. She was my boss. And the difference between her and say, the boss in The Devil Wears Prada, was that she was physically threatening. She had slapped someone in the office before, she was huge, and CRAZY. She even told a coworker once about how she was going to kill everyone in the office. She had it all planned out...what gun she was going to use and who she would shoot in the back of the head and who she would shoot facing them etc. So as you can see, she was not your normal bully. She was a complete nutcase. But I kept working there. It was this terrible toxic environment and when I finally left, on the second to last day of my two weeks notice, I had a nervous breakdown at home, in the middle of the night. I had no idea what was wrong with me. I thought I was having a stroke. My hands were ice cold, my heart was racing and pounding, I could barely breathe. My husband (boyfriend at the time) took me to the emergency room and they examined me and told me I was having an anxiety attack. I was like, WTF?? They gave me some ativan and 3 more to take home with me. Then after that the anxiety came back for no reason. There was like a shelf when I tried to breathe, my heart was constantly racing. I couldn't get a full breath in. So I tried to go jogging but after my run, my heart didn't slow down and my breathing didn't get easier. I skipped my last day of work. Those bastards. Anyway...

I saw my doctor and when I went in there she said, yes, these physical things could be anxiety. I said that I couldn't fathom that anxiety could do make me feel so physically ill. So she gave me some Paxil and told me to try that. I went home and took a Paxil, thinking it would calm me down right away. DH was out somewhere and my anxiety actually got worse. I didn't know what to do with myself. I suddenly realized why people kill themselves and thought about suicide for the first time in my life. I thought about calling 911 but was too worried about what would happen. That was the worst few hours in my whole life. Well, at that time...before my sister's accident. Anyway, I finally called a psychiatrist in town and told her everything. She said it was very serious, to take one of those Ativan I got at the hospital right away and scheduled an appt to see me right away. I have to say that she pretty much saved my sanity, if not my life. I took ativan twice a day for a month until the zoloft she was giving me, kicked in. I went all the way up to 200mg of zoloft. Then it finally started working and I didn't need the ativan anymore. But it did weird stuff to me and I thought the weird stuff was my anxiety but I know now that it was side effects from the medicine. I felt like I had to clench my jaw and yawn all the time. Anytime I did exercize to get my heart rate up I got the yawns. I would get songs playing loudly in my head and I stopped playing and making music because it would stick in my head and screw with me. Especially in the morning. It was like the fight or flight symptoms never stopped, unless I was surpressing them with ativan. I knew the ativan was addictive and after a month, a bad idea to continue to take. So I didn't take more than 2 a day, one in the morning and one in the afternoon.

My biggest problem was that I was furious with myself for being "beaten" for not being stronger blah blah. I was so angry and disappointed in myself for being "crazy" although my psychiatrist assured me I wasn't. hmmmm....

Then after a couple of months, everything evened out and got so much better. I was seeing the psychiatrist twice a week and my diagnosis changed from post traumatic stress, to general anxiety disorder (I told her about my anxiety as a kid in middle school.) But it was the crazy boss who triggered this severe, crippling anxiety and it took years to get under control without medication...I would say 6 years to stop cropping up every few months or even weeks.

After my breakdown, I was on the very high dose of 200 mg of zoloft for 6 months. That means I was still on 200 mg on my wedding day. I finally went down to 100 mg after that, then weaned myself down to 50 mg when I got pregnant with AJ. I tried to go cold turkey during my first trimester and it was a disaster. But I think that my anxiety during the "cold turkey phase" was probably worse for AJ than the zoloft.

I only took a teeny tiny bit of zoloft while I was pregnant with Owen, and I took none this time while pregnant with Emmy. I didn't need it. All the anxiety melted away by my second trimester. I had never felt better in my life. I can't help but wonder if the awful shock and grief I felt from my sister's death, kind of rebooted my system. I'm not saying the shock was good for me, I mean I aged terribly over the 6 months following her accident, my whole family did too. But I think that mentally it changed some things, set them on a different paths...moved some paths around.

Now, I still have a bit of anxiety, but nothing like I used to have. My anxiety keeps me from driving out of town by myself or with the kids, and I never never drive on the interstate. That is also because of my sister's accident. But I am afraid of driving where one little mistake could instantly kill you. I am afraid of death, but not like I was when I was having serious issues, now it is in a way that I think most autism mom's fear it. Now I just feel like I need to be here for my kids, so nothing better ever happen to me. I also know that my parents and younger sister couldn't mentally survive another huge loss in our family.

So that is the history after my anxiety disorder was triggered. It had always been lingering as a kid, but didn't blow up until it was triggered. And perhaps that is how autism happens, it is just triggered like that too. Perhaps AJ will get better but always be a bit autistic, just like I am better but will always have a slight anxiety disorder. Who knows, perhaps with all of this new epigenetic research, maybe both my anxiety disorder and her autism will be cured. Hey, if they can cure anxiety in rats, they should be able to give me a little of that medicine.

If you stuck through this whole post, thank you :)

me.

1st grade stuff and some other stuff

So AJ is on the upswing and has been for a few days. In fact, the day after she stayed up with me and ate peanut butter, she had a really good day. This means, I think, that we can add peanut butter back in her diet again and not just for a one-time treat. Her nervous cough is gone now and Her teachers and aid think that they have "figured her out" at school. I guess when she was going through her work strike they were just letting her wander off to the book nook, and sit on pillows and read while everyone else was doing spelling and math. When I found this out I told them simply that she should only be allowed to do this AFTER she completes her assignments. Now, she magically does her work and then gets to have free time. We are still struggling with handwriting getting in the way of her writing stuff freely, although today was the first day that she just wrote a story in her journal. The letters were all mixed up with caps and lowercase and many were turned the wrong way...BUT fewer were backwards than last month and fewer were capitalized. She just has a major problem with the letter a...she only wants to write, A. Oh, well, this seems so minor but once she learns something it gets stuck in her head and it is like we have to unlearn that it is OK to mix up caps and lower case. It is not like most kids where you just kind of change what you do....with AJ you have to teach her to unlearn this way of writing then help her relearn how to do it properly. Then the odd changing in how she is supposed to do it, upsets her. I don't know why they didn't teach the kids how to do it properly the first time around. When I was a kid, I was taught it properly and wasn't left to learn my own way of writing...mixing up all the letters and such.

When I pick her up from school I talk to her teachers and aid almost every day for a few minutes. So when DH and I went to AJ's open house tonight we didn't really learn anything new. I just completed the "parent assignment" which was to draw a picture in her journal and write about it. I drew a picture of our family, wrote our names over our heads then wrote it the book: Hi AJ, Your journal looks great. I love you so much. Love, Mommy (and DH wrote, "and Daddy.")

I noticed at open house when I looked in her journal that she only drew pictures with no writing until a couple of days ago and I thought it was kind of strange that she was left to struggle and just write stuff freely. When I was a kid I was given a book where I drew on one side then I brought the picture to the teacher who asked me what it was then wrote it down on the next page...for example: "This is a beautiful fairy. She has pink wings with blue on them."

Then I would copy the teachers writing undernieth each word. This way I got used to how it should look and such...until I was ready to start writing it on my own. I did this a bit with the kids over the summer but AJ really needs it more. So maybe I will start doing it at home again with the kids. As if I didn't have enough to do :) Target has these cool notebooks where it is blank on the top of the page then lined at the bottom. I'll get a couple of those.

After open house, DH and I went out to eat. My parents were watching the kids so we snuck in a bit more alone time and had a nice dinner. I even ordered a cosmopolitan and didn't get a headache!! I didn't drink the whole thing though since I knew I would be nursing Emmy in a couple of hours. It was nice to relax though. I felt so much better after a small drink and got all happy and chatty with DH. Our food was delicious and a tiny dragon fly landed in my water! DH saved it and we watched it sit and dry out its wings for a little while then fly off. I got a new water. As much as dragon flys are pretty, I still don't want to drink after them.

I did something kind of weird. I asked my sister's husband (the sister who passed away) if I could have her fake Christmas tree. I was thinking about how a few years ago she was obsessing about finding a hot pink Christmas tree, then she found it and paid like, $400 for it. I thought it was really funny that she wanted it, and wanted it so bad that she paid a lot of money for it which wasn't really like her. I thought about how it would be so cool to have since she was always with us for Christmas before and it would be like a representation of her and the kids would decorate it and she would be with us through Christmas. DH was a bit "ugh" about the prospect of a hot pink Christmas tree, especially since he really enjoys picking out real ones each year. But he said if it meant a lot to me that it was fine with him. So I emailed my sister's husband last week, asking him, and he hasn't emailed me back. Now I am starting to feel a bit weird about the whole thing. I'm also wondering if I really want it after all. I mean, maybe it will just be sad when I look at it and glaring in my my living room.

Hm, I have a feeling he will not want to give it up. Although I can't imagine him putting it up. This is the first thing I have asked for. He did bring me her bike, which I haven't ridden yet, and all of her sewing stuff, which I haven't used. It is weird to have that stuff. Hm. Maybe it will be weird to have her Christmas tree. Maybe it will just be sad.

Stuff coming up: DH is going on tour for a week with his band and they are going to play at CMJ in NY. He was all excited tonight because CMJ is giving the bands new shoes. Their new album is coming out next month. Also coming up...For my birthday we are traveling 3 hours south to my hometown where I am going to see all my friends . The fam is going to stay at my friend, Tina's house. I am going to attempt to have a girls night out with my friends there so that will be fun/interesting. DH and Tina's husband will watch the kids who are going to have a fun sleepover. Gosh I would love to go dancing. I think that is a bit too ambitious though. Also coming up...my parents are closing on my childhood house next Wednesday. Holy crap, that is an emotional thing I will have to try and live around.

me.

First Grade and Stuff

I let AJ stay up with me tonight until 10:30 while DH was off feeding my parent's dog while they are in England....then Israel. I also let her eat peanut butter which I thought made her foggy in the past but she asked for it and looked at my eyes and said, "please mommy." I couldn't say no so we put some on a rice cake with a bit of honey. I guess I let her have it because, well, she was hungry and we didn't have anything else in the house, and she has been foggy lately anyway, even though we are following the diet strictly.

Her teacher switched AJ's desk again...to the front of the classroom this time, right next to her teacher's desk. I thought it was a good place for AJ to be but I winced at the fact that she was moved again. I know the kids notice when a "problem" child is moved around the classroom a few times in an effort to make things work a bit better. As I hung up AJ's backpack this morning as AJ put her lunch in her cubby, the girl who used to sit next to AJ told me with with glee that AJ had been moved away from her and sat up front now. That annoyed and worried me. Whatever. I don't know.

I have these forms that the autism society sent out a link for. Here is the link. So I printed them out to show to her teacher and see if she likes any of them. AJ has this tic. She coughs and when she is stressed she coughs about every 10 seconds. This drives people nuts. It doesn't bother me though since I feel very sorry for her. But her teacher this morning asked if there were any tricks to distract AJ from coughing as it disturbed the library visit a few days ago and they were going to that classroom again today. I said that no, there was nothing and that it would probably go away in a few days. AJ told me tonight that she has a bad cough and maybe she shouldn't go back to school until it goes away. sigh.

So we are reading the Wizard of Oz. AJ's teacher is reading it to her class so I downloaded it on my iPhone and have been reading it to the kids while the lights are off and they are in their beds. I wanted to do the same book so that AJ would be able to answer questions better if she was getting a double dose of it. Also I am going to order them some Wizard of Oz Halloween costumes tomorrow. I already have a lion costume that I borrowed for Emmy.

Emmy, by the way is doing amazingly well. She just brings joy like a ray of sunshine that doesn't stop glowing all around the house. She was 6-months-old on Sunday and she is already starting to sit up and rock forward, she even managed to do a tiny tiny bit of crawling forwards today. I was so excited. She is super cute and sweet and smiley. We haven't done any vaccines yet but I might follow the Dr. Sears vaccine schedule and take her in next week for the first one. I'm not doing HepB though since I just read today that it is linked to Autism. I knew one of these vaccines would be eventually and it kind of makes sense that it is the one they give the babies at 3 days old. I knew that seemed crazy when I was a brand new mom with her, but I decided to trust the experts, HA! Turns out that the only expert on your kid is yourself. You know, I write that but, you know, taking Owen to the hospital when he couldn't breathe was super-important, and my doctor did save my life when I had appendicitis. So it is hard to criticize when modern medicine saved my life and perhaps even Owen's. But if I blindly trust, well, look what happens.

I'm tired, I'm going to bed.

Goodnight,

me.

Wow so much has been going on

AJ started 1st grade and I was once again reminded that I have a little girl with autism. I guess over the summer I was able to kind of forget. At summer camp she happily played, made friends and had a nice time. She did the little work books that I made for them and things were pretty chill. We just all kind of hung out and gave Emmy lots of attention.

Now...she is going on a "work strike." Her new teacher is sending home pages and pages of homework which are worksheets that she didn't do in class. We spent 2.5 hours yesterday (with breaks) doing homework like writing spelling words and doing math problems that she can do in her sleep. So it has been a tough transition and she started her little cough/tic again. Her little cough comes back when she is stressed out. At speech today her speech teacher was worried about her being so stressed and said she wanted to figure out a way to "help us." I have a feeling that means a psychologist or something. I told her I will take any help I can get to keep my little one comfortable and happy.

me.

Obsessive Doll Arranging

So I decided there are worse things than a husband buying a keyboard for his beloved band. I decided I didn't feeling being mad so I just let it go.

AJ has been obsessing over her dolls. When we are out of the house she wants to get home because she "has work to do." She arranges them into piles and decides who are the brothers and sister and arranges them in to classes and grades. She didn't want to go to sleep tonight because she had "lots of work to do." I think I am going to do what I did before and allow her 6 or 10 dolls at a time because she seems to have about 50 little dolls again. Then she can switch them out each day for different ones. But she gets overwhelmed and obsessive over having so many. I think she will be happier without so much work to do. We will play it by ear, I don't want to take away what she loves, but I have a feeling there will be some relief involved if we cut it way down.

me

this sucks

I'm kind of freaking out right now. DH told me that he bought a midi keyboard for his band. This is at a time when we have no money and I have been busting my butt to get wedding video bookings and editing whenever I get a second between taking care of the 3 kids. The keyboard was $250. I feel like he is pissing away my hard work...on his band. He said he bought it because I got a booking and 2 more inquiries. I have been so stressed lately with trying to keep the business going so we can pay our mortgage, so stressed that it made me sick with this shingles..which you only get when your immune system is compromised and/or if you are suffering from severe stress.

If I spend too much money it is because I went to Gymboree and went a bit nuts on the sale rack or something. It is always for the kids or our family. I am so disappointed that his splurge is for the band while our family is suffering severe money issues. There is so much we could do with $250 right now for the business. This recession is kicking my ass.

His band is really good. They are getting ready to release a new album and go on tour. He loves it and I try hard to support him. But tonight...I hate it. Tomorrow I will gather myself up again and look on the bright side again. Now, I think I will make myself a cup of decaf tea to try and get rid of this migraine, and maybe find something mindless on TV.

me.

The happy panicker

Good afternoon. This morning I slept and slept while DH made blueberry pancakes for the kids and did laundry and then cleaned the kitchen. Please call me the luckiest person in the world. 

Acutally he probably did it because I had really bad anxiety last night for the first time in a long time. I actually had gone to sleep at 10 then woke up at midnight in a panic. I called to DH who finished up his video game level then came in to see what I needed. I told him my skin hurt and I was panicking. I told him that I didn't want to look at these same f....ing walls. He said that the laptop was right there and so was my iphone. I said no, I need a book or photos or something. He left and came back with a big wad of photos from the photo drawer, many of which were from our wedding. That made me smile and we went through them together. Then when we got to the photo of my parent's old house at Christmas time I started to cry. They sold that house yesterday. It was on the market for over a year, almost 2 years I guess. It is a huge 5 bedroom 3 bath, two story red brick house with a huge front and back yard and our swing on the oak tree out back. They sold it for $175,000 which is digustingly low for that amazing house...my childhood house. But the people buying are really excited about it, which makes it better for some reason. 

So I realized that is why I woke up panicking. I also was panicking for a very, very, weird reason. It was this video, this short 4 minute story that I watched right before bed and then seemingly for hours, played in my head like clockwork till I woke up freaking out. If you watch it and can figure out why I was panicking about it, I'd love to hear your theory because I have none. p.s. he didn't give them 50cents.

me.

a couple of things

OK this Shingles stuff is a bit more uncomfortable now. It isn't so uncomfortable that it makes me panicky, and it isn't worse than a headache or stomach ache, in fact it is still better than either of those. But my skin is starting to hurt and my neck is sore too. The weird thing is that it looks like the rash is starting to clear up. This evening I told DH that I think I am getting sick because my neck aches an my skin hurts. He said "You are sick. You have shingles."

"Oh yea."

But my skin hurts all over, not just near the rash, which is what happens when I am getting sick.

Tonight something wonderful happened. I lay down with AJ for a while as she was going to sleep and we chatted a bit. She will chat with me to keep me there since she likes having company when she is fighting going to sleep. So I get to chat. When we were done I told her thank you for talking to me and that I love talking with her. She said, "Mom, you make my heart super happy."

I just about cried right then and there. She is such a beautiful child. I just want to keep her safe and happy every second of her life. I think it is good enough now though that we love each other and hang out a whole bunch.

me.

Breast feeding and Autism

This is sooooooo depressing

http://www.ucsf.edu/science-cafe/conversations/merzenich/

It talks about a study saying that breast feeding causes autism (PCB's) and the source is credible. This sucks. I'm not stopping yet, but, big sigh.

shingles and nursing

It is day 4 of this shingles business. My rash is looking pretty awful but I don't have open wounds. In fact I wonder if it is clearing up without getting revolting. I hope so. I don't know if that is possible though. The Tegaderm plastic cover things are working really well. Emmy is nursing on that side now (no more pumping except to get milk for AJ and Owen) and when Emmy nurses it actually stops the itch, which is really nice. The main bad thing is that if I forget and scratch it, it feels like someone is holding a match to my skin. So I have only forgotten twice. My right eye feels kind of funny. I hope that nothing weird goes wrong with that. It is itchy and kind of sore.

I'm writing this down because I didn't see any day by day accounts when I looked up shingles on the internet, so I wanted to document it a little bit incase anyone else had a mild case of it like me and wanted to see what it is like each day. The very best thing I am doing is resting. DH is coming home for lunch so I can sleep and that makes me feel so much better.

So since Owen hasn't had any dairy, his stuttering has stopped. One of my friends told me that there must be a major genetic allergy to dairy in my family. I told her I think it is totally weird that the allergy is neurological. The she said, "Hasn't your anxiety been much better?" She is right. It has. I am happier now than I have been in many many years. Maybe that is because I have my third baby and we have our own house. But I don't know. Maybe it is because my brain doesn't do well with dairy also? Hm, that seems like a stretch and I miss my pizza for sure.

OK, goodnight for now.

me.

shingles, autism, recession

I'm on day 3 of this shingles rash and I think I must be one of the lucky few that isn't that bothered by it. It is itchy but if I just leave it alone it is OK. If I forget and touch it, then it hurts. But I am being super careful to just ignore the itch. I don't have pain on the nerve where the rash runs so I guess I am very lucky not to have that. I am just really really really tired. I also have swollen glands and a sore throat but not too badly or anything.

So I have been using the plastic stuff, Tagederm, over the rash which helps because I can see where it is. I have started nursing Emmy on that side again since her mouth doesn't go near the rash, where as the pump piece got a bit too close to it and aggravated it a bit.

I have been pumping and giving the milk to AJ and Owen, disguised with chocolate rice milk so they are not totally grossed out. I am hoping the antibodies will help Owen not get it and might help Avery's autism?? Who knows. I was also thinking that I stopped nursing AJ around 14 or 16 months and if autism has anything to do with immune defficiency that breast milk can only help with that. I know she is 6 but its not like I'm putting her on my boob or anything. She doesn't even know she is getting it (she would be grossed out if I told her.) Both AJ and Owen are doing well today. Owen's stuttering seems to be much better too since I stopped giving him dairy a week or so ago. DH noticed that too. Of course, it could be a coincidence, but I don't think so.

So DH is at a meeting but is going to come home from work early so that I can sleep. He came home for a long lunch and I slept for an hour and a half. I might go lie down right now while the kids are watch a movie and Emmy is asleep.

Oh, I finally got a wedding video booking, which means we now have August and September's mortgage covered (if everyone sends their checks in). Maybe that is why I got shingles. I was so stressed about paying the mortgage because we weren't getting any bookings that it made me sick? I don't know.

me.

A helpful Yahoo Answer to my question about Shingles

My Question:

When do Shingles start to hurt? I am on day 1 and no pain but worried the rash will start to hurt?
I have covered the rash with bandages and see red lines down my back where I guess it is spreading to. I have no pain and mild itching. My dermatologist prescribed Valtrex but I see no need to take it if there is no pain, but I am worried the pain may suddenly start. Does anyone have any experience with this day by day?
Thank you for any help.



Answer: (from a very smart 13 yr old!)

Yikes. im sorry to hear that you have shingles. im 13 and i got them this year. yes, they will get very painful. but what helped me SO much, (my doctor didnt even recomend it, my mom told me:) is calamine. its a pink liquid. you apply it on the rash and leave it there. what it does is drys out the blister and then they will tend to fall off. i had to gob on the calamine. its very cold also and feels good when you put it on the rash. relief. i put it on with a cottonball. so i would start with that before the pain comes because trust me, it killls. but dont be scared. because you'll feel a whole lot better with calamine on(: aha. and also, when the calamine starts to work and dry the blisters out, DONT scratch at them or pick at them. it will leave scars:/ i have a collage of dots on my side and chest because of these nasty little thingss. and dont pop them either. this will spread the diease.

P.S. sorry i dont have a day by day.. but the first couple of days i didnt feel anything. i thought it was acne or something. but when the blisters start to really pop out of your skin, you will feel it. just be strong.(: and good luck!
Source(s):
experience.. *sigh*

Oh Crap I've Got Shingles (I thought you had to be old)

So last night I was getting these weird hot flashes and I was having a bizarre waking dream that I was in the show, Merlin. (I love that show). I didn't realize I was sick, I just thought I was hot because Camelot was hot. But then I got up and turned the AC down, get this...so the kids wouldn't be too hot in Camelot (I was out of it). About a half hour later I felt fine, but not sleepy. At that point (about 1am by now) I felt something itchy on my breast and it felt like a bug bite or something but then I realized it was bigger than a bug bite. I got out of bed and went into the bathroom to check it out in the mirror. I was dismayed to see I had an awful rash on there...itchy red bumps. So for the rest of the nights feeding with Emmy I made sure the rash was covered with my T-shirt so her lips didn't touch the affected area.

This morning I felt fine but the rash looked so soft and lumpy and disturbing that I called my dermatologist and made an appointment for tomorrow morning at 8am. Then this afternoon I noticed that the rash had spread in a line all around my breast and I got very nervous about nursing Emmy so I called back my dermatolgist and begged them to see me today. They said they weren't a walk in clinic but when I told them I was worried about my 4 month old nursing near the rash, they fit me in this afternoon.

So when the doctor came in and I showed her the rash she backed away and hurried out of the room saying she was going to get another doctor. I thought that was kind of nerve wracking. Then she stuck her head in the room and said the other doctor was coming. She said that she was pregnant and if I had what she thought I had, that was very contageous and horrible for a pregnant woman. Then she left again and my heart was pounding out of my chest.

The next doctor came in and looked at it and said it was shingles.

I said, 'I thought only old people get shingles."

She said, "Anyone who had chicken pox as a child can get it. Doe it hurt?"

"no."

"You are very lucky that it doesn't hurt because it can be very painful."

"No it just itches a bit."

She prescribed me Valtrex and said it would be fine for nursing. I asked if Emmy could get the virus from my breast milk and get chicken pox. She said she would call my pediatrician and find out for sure. A half hour later they told me that the milk was not affected and this is what I needed to do:

1. bandage the blisters well

2. put plastic stuff over the bandages (Tegaderm)

3. pump on the affected breast making sure that no part of the rash touches the plastic of the pump. Pump while she is nursing on the other side.

4. feed her the milk that I pumped.

Now I am home and showered and bandaged up. My boob is wrapped in enough plastic to pack it in a box and ship it off somewhere. I did pump and Emmy finally took a bottle after I tried 2 different kinds. She likes the Born Free bottles and nipples and would only take it sitting on my lap and facing away from me, go figure.

I'm really tired and about to go to bed now. I decided not to take the Valtrex since I am nursing. I gave some of the breast milk that Emmy didn't drink and mixed it with AJ's favorite, chocolate rice milk and gave her a cup. I think that if autism has anything to do with viruses from shots still living in her system, maybe my antibodies fighting the shingles will help her. I'm going to give Owen some too although he isn't vaccinated for chicken pox and I might take him to get vaccinated tomorrow.

They also took a mole off to send away for a biopsy.

I'm off to bed now. I hope it isn't a bad idea not to take the Valtrex.

me.

Gluten Free, Casein Free, Soy Free

I hear about people trying Gluten Free Casein Free and it not working but I wonder if they took out soy or not, or if they tried it for a good period of time. When we were off the diet, AJ lived in a fog. If I mess up the diet, she goes back into her fog. On the diet, she is aware of her surroundings. On the diet (very strictly) with methyl b12 shots added, she is awesome.

I have to be so strict about keeping any trace of soy, gluten or casein out of her diet and it is such a pain. Soy is almost as bad as gluten too. I have a feeling that most people do not do the diet this strictly and I have a feeling that if they did, that the results would be different. This means also cutting out fast food and anything that is processed. It means keeping the salt and sugar intake low and simply getting rid of anything with a long list of ingredients on the label.

I don't think that the diet is given a good enough chance. Maybe I'm wrong, but I have that feeling. I want to know if I am wrong so tell me if I am wrong.
me.

Today was day 1 of the 5 weeks till school starts and it was a really nice day. I met friends at the park since it wasn't 100 degrees out this morning and realized that they both were doing the 5 week no camp thing too and so we will do play groups and such together. This is actually going to be fun. I slept in a bit too while the kids played educational computer games until I got up. I was nice and rested since I didn't have to get up and get everyone ready for camp. 

I talked to L's husband tonight. More on that later

me.

Oh my god

So I am going to be home with the kids for 5 weeks before school starts. FIVE WEEKS. I can't afford more summer camp or babysitting. And I have a huge wedding video that needs to be done in 3 weeks that will take about 80 hours to edit. How do I do that with 3 kids at home with me during the day...one being a 4 month old? So I am up tonight working on it. This post is my break, along with some chips and hummus.

So I have decided to change my game plan a bit. I am now going to offer less expensive videos and do less editing. I never wanted to do that before. I just wanted to do super fun challenging stuff, with lots of cool effects and music, and charge a good amount for it. But I am FREAKING out right now because I am getting no bookings. I guess no one wants to spend $3000 on a wedding video these days. For the big ones I was traveling, even out of state. But now I won't travel because of Emmy and no one in our little college town is snatching us up, or even knows about us really. I have been trying to shmooze the local wedding vendors this past month but with no bookings I don't even have $ to buy more business cards to give out. I am doing everything I can on all the social media sites short of completely spamming people, and we are having a photographer and his family over for dinner on Friday. I am going to do a bridal show in September that is breaking the bank for us now. I didn't think the economy would affect us since people don't stop getting married. But it has...and we are buying groceries on the credit card this week that we just paid off with our taxes a few months ago.

This sucks.

me.

me.

The positive side of autism?

Today was our babysitter's last day. She was AJ's aid during the school year and she has been coming over in the afternoons, picking the kids up from summer camp and watching them 3 days a week while I edit my wedding videos on the computer. She is getting her special ed certification and she is a lovely 22 year old, brilliant teacher/friend. She is already married and building a house at age 22 which I find baffling but don't harp on.

Anyway...today, her last day, she told me that she read a book recently about the positive side of autism. Of course I have already forgotten the name of the book and the author (memory lapse due to either nursing or past large doses of Zoloft before my anxiety disorder magically disappeared by itself with my most recent pregnancy). Sorry, I digress. So she told me that in this book the author visited different autism families and asked them what was positive about autism and at first they were shocked or confused by the question. Then they answered with things like, now they look at the small achievements instead of expecting large ones.

I didn't think that seemed like such a positive thing although I have a feeling that there are probably some amazing positive stories in this book and I probably need to get it. So at that point of the conversation with our babysitter I was thinking about what I think about autism. I don't really think it is positive really but it is hard to sit on that conclusion since my little girl is so completely amazing and happens to have autism. I used to think that the autism made her amazing. Now I think that her being amazing has nothing to do with the autism and that the autism actually makes it difficult for her to express herself properly. I have another way of explaining this that goes a little below the service. Here is the disclaimer...if you are squeamish about grief, stop here.

Let me start with the phrase, "All Souls Are Equal." I first heard this phrase when I was doing a photo montage honoring an amazing psychiatrist who ran the Center For Autism and Related Disabilities, and had passed away. For the montage, his former employees and his freinds sent in little notes and blurbs and recordings of what they found special about him.
I had no idea what his friend was talking about when she made this whole recording about how she loved that he taught that all souls are equal. I had no idea what on earth she was talking about and I didn't really care because I just needed to get the photo montage done and looking good and it wasn't my job at that point to try and digest the meaning of peoples sentiments.

And I didn't think of it again until a couple of months after my sister's funeral. My sister had an open casket funeral and I remember when I went to look at her I was shocked that she wasn't in there. Her body was there looking alarmingly strange, but after my first glimpse I found myself looking frantically around the room and in the air around her for her soul. I have never understood what a soul was before but now I knew exactly what it was and I suddenly knew that her body there in the casket was a house for her soul. Now her body couldn't house her soul and her soul did not have a way to express itself and I wondered where it was now. Perhaps her soul is in heaven, whatever that may be. What I know more than ever is that in this lifetime I will never know where her soul is...although I have a feeling that it isn't that far away. In fact I remember feeling an odd pang of relief when I saw that she wasn't in there because she wasn't going to be buried. Her body was, but her soul, the part that I loved, was somewhere else and was not going into the ground.

So how does this relate to autism? Since I now realized that our bodies are simply a house for our soul, I also realized that our bodies fail us sometimes and make it more difficult for our souls to express themselves. When our bodies are no longer able to express our souls, our souls have to leave our bodies. So yes, all souls are equal even though not all bodies are equal. It was a life-changing moment the evening a month or so after my sister's funeral that I remembered that phrase and realized exactly what they were talking about.

I think that autism makes it a bit harder for AJ's soul to express herself. BUT there is something positive in this because she is able to express herself in many different ways that she would not have done without the autism. Maybe I am reaching here, and we do "reach" for the sake of love and happiness. But she is able to live in an amazing world that seems to me, from the outside, to be a beautiful one. I have learned a new level of patience that I didn't know existed in me. I remember reading that Madonna said that very same thing, now that she was a parent, yes, Madonna the singer. And I remember that weird tidbit of information because when I read it i was like, yes, me too, wow. I digress again. Sorry. So the positive side of autism. In conclusion, I don't think that autism is who my little girl is. I think it is a complicated maze that mixes up how she expresses herself. Sometimes it is wonderful and amazing, sometimes it is heartbreaking and down right frustrating for everyone. Do I think she would be even more amazing if her autism wasn't in the way? Well, yes I do. I think that autism "got" her because she is such a sensitive brilliant little girl. She was one of these babies who spoke at 10 months and was singing full songs at 12 months. She was a genius child, then autism struck and it was like the book, "Flowers For Algernon." Her skills just started to back track on themselves. At first, at 14 months she could work the CD player like a teenager, finding her favorite song, memorizing the number of it and then dancing to it. Then at age 2 she suddenly couldn't do it anymore and I remember both she and I were shocked and scared. That is when I called the pediatrician and the autism journey really began.

So did I answer this question OK? Is there a positive side to autism? I think my final answer is, yes. But I do reach for it, and I do hold on to it...cling on to it. What I DO know is that I have an incredible child who happens to have autism. That, my friends, I am certain about.

Hello Again

I haven't posted in ages for a few reasons
1. I am in baby world and loving it
2. I am working hard on building up my business in town so I don't have to travel to film the weddings
3. AJ is doing really well and I haven't had much to report
4. I started a blog for my business and have been spending time on that

So, for an update. Emmy is all roly poly cherubby tubby little thing. But it is all from breast milk, not Cheetoes. She is happy and calm and sweet, not fussy. Although over the past couple of days she has started teething and being a bit grumpy. When I realized I had an easy baby on my hands and not much money, I decided to really get the business going and to get it going here in town so I don't have to be away from Emmy for long. So nursing is going well. After I took Diflucan for a couple of weeks everything got better and it was smooth sailing from the on (despite 2 mastitas bouts that I kicked without antibiotics).

AJ is in summer camp now and has made a friend...another little girl who is on the spectrum. I saw her the other morning when I dropped AJ off and was a bit surprised that her hair wasn't brushed at all in a way that looked a bit neglectful and her outfit was like she had found it at the bottom of the dirty clothes hamper. But this camp is expensive so there isn't poverty involved. I almost said something to AJ's teacher but then decided that a kid could look that that sometimes over the summer and I perhaps next time I see her she will be a bit more groomed. But then I saw her again and it was even worse. I thought, well, maybe they take hippie to new levels? I don't know, but this is AJ's new great friend. She has a twin brother who is also in the summer camp with them. AJ wants me to invite her over and I will, but as usual this is very nerve wracking for me as I have no idea what the reaction will be from her family. I will post about it after I send the note/invite.

We are going on a beach vacation next week. This is our first real vacation that will last for a whole week. DH's family is renting a beach house and we are going to drive up and meet them there. The kids are so friggin excited. I think it might be a bit of a challenge with a baby on the beach, but I am going to get one of those beach tents from OneStepAhead.com

OK, I'm finally tired.
goodnight,
me

Late Sunday Night Post

AJ's doing really well. Some days she is still a bit foggy, but I have noticed that lack of sleep seems to be a huge reason for fog. It is like everything just affects her more than typical kids. But she is talking up a storm and I LOVE getting to see what is inside of her head. It is pretty amazing. She is trying to make jokes these days and has about 90% misses because of saying inappropriate things then laughing, for example: "I'm going to eat Emmy!" so, slightly disturbing and not really funny. But sometimes she gets a winner, for example, she and I and Emmy are all not having dairy so AJ likes to say that the girls are allergic to dairy. Then she heard me say in the car that Owen is allergic to cats and DH chipped in and said he was allergic to cats. So AJ said, "The no-dairy's are not allergic to cats."

Our summer break started last week and the kids have been making lots of artwork. They have been making books...drawing lots of pictures then dictating the story to me while i write type it on the computer and print it out so they can paste the words in their books and read them to me. It is great for getting them to learn to read new words because they love reading the books that they created. The artwork is wonderful too.

I'm just really happy and satisfied with my life right now. Of course there could be improvements. I wish I were more caught up on my wedding video editing that is alarmingly behind. But AJ's aid, let's call her C, is going to start babysitting the kids this summer and so I will get some work done. I am going to pay her $100 a week but it will be worth it to catch up on my work. It feels good to have a plan to fix this problem. I have the house clean now, the laundry caught up and everyone is asleep (and not sick). So I feel pretty good right now.

(Read the following only if you are not squeamish about death.)
It has been a strange time though in a way. I feel almost an urgancy to enjoy my life because I have been so alarmed by death. It was my sister's birthday last weekend. She would have been 39. Our family and my parents went out to her and the baby's grave (they were buried together) it says, "Eternally in our hearts, eternally in mommy's arms." I chose that wording actually. I chose the wording for my sisters side of the stone too. She would be glad about that I think. So even though her death it is getting to be a bit more normal, it is still more shocking than anything else. I don't think that will ever go away, which is OK. I didn't bring her flowers but my mom did. She brought her white lilly's which were in her wedding bouquet, and mine too. I stood there by myself and talked to her for a while. I was annoyed when anyone came up and interrupted me. I just wanted to talk to her privately then say goodbye and leave...which I did eventually. My shrink from a while back told me that there is more energy at graveyards than in other places and this is somehow scientifically documented. I think this is one of the reasons I want to go there, because of what he said. Otherwise I would think that it wouldn't matter because she is with me wherever I go anyway and I don't need to go there...when she is here right? I dunno.

Then, my friend's mom died of cancer two weeks ago. I held her mom's hand and told her I would take care of her daughter, an hour before she passed. I only was in there for about 2 minutes and was shocked by what she looked like. only a few weeks before that she had looked great. Here her face had nothing between the skin and the skeleton it seemed. Her eyes seemed to be popping out. It was shocking and I thought that no one should have to ever be in that position. I thought about how labor and having a baby even by C-section, is so difficult and intense. It is like a right of passage and I think that the life that is born takes so much out of us, the pain is shocking and dreadful. BUT the light at the end of the tunnel is that we have a beautiful baby to hold in our arms. There is a miracle in the room afterwards. So when I looked at my friend's mom, at the shocking and dreadful time she was going through, I realized that I had previously thought that labor was the worst pain and right of passage I would have to go through in my life, besides the ocean of grief I have also had to wade through. But now, seeing her, I realized that there in more in store. I realized that dying is terrible and it scared me. But I can't help but wonder...we get such a miracle at the end of giving birth, that perhaps..just perhaps...there is a miracle waiting for us at the end of dying? Probably not. BUT, my other friend who works for hospice told me that people who are minutes from dying talk to people in the room that she can't see and it give her goose bumps. I liked that. She is a trustworthy person and doesn't make shit up.

Finally, I think of a quote, "Life is the good part between tragedy." That is where I am at right now. I am so glad to be alive and I am working on keeping thoughts and feelings like this at bay and in perspective so that they are something I write about at night and not something that bothers me during my daily life routines and playing with my kids. Instead it gives me permission to be happy with what I have now, that it is enough..more than enough. And this makes the fact that I don't know when I am going to die, a little less relevant.
me.

funny stuff

Yesterday AJ and Owen were being very quiet and when DH and I looked for them on the couch, Owen had some tape and was wrapping it all over AJ's head, all in her hair and across her forehead and they were both laughing. They had the Macbook on the couch with them and DH saw that they had been using the Macbook to take pictures of their escapade using the Photo Booth app. They also used one of the weird effects that they have in photo booth. We thought that was hilarious. Luckily it wasn't too hard for AJ to get all the tape out of her hair and off her skin. I liked that they did something together, even if it was a bit naughty. Check out some of the pics...

L thoughts

Tonight I thought about after my older sister's accident, we will call her L, my younger sister, Claire was crying in her room at my mom's house. Let me clarify. This was only a few days after L's accident and Claire had flown from Israel with her husband...boyfriend at the time. I was there with DH and the kids were there and my parents. They have a big house (that they are still trying to sell now that they live up here.)

So it was morning and I heard Claire crying so I opened her door and went inside. Her husband was on the bed too but I just went right over to her and held her while she cried. She said she had a dream and I made her tell me the dream. She said she dreamed we were at the baby shower, it was one that we had just been to a few days ago for our good friend. But in the dream, L was there and she had a bandage on her stomach and that she knew she was going to die in a few days.

Then Claire told me that she woke up and the dream was true. That L was really gone and it wasn't just a dream. I told her that no that wasn't how it happened so her dream wasn't true. I said as I held her while she sobbed, that L didn't know she was going to die and that she was happy and that she didn't know at all and that one minute she was there and the next she was gone. I said that it was very different. I think I made her feel a tiny bit better but we were both kind of freaking out. It was terrible.

I keep waiting for L to come back. I keep waiting for all of this to not be real. Even after almost 2 years it doesn't seem real. It doesn't seem possible that she would be gone and the rest of us, my parents, me and Clair, to still be here. That just isn't how it was supposed to be. I still can't wrap my head around it. It helps that Emmy's middle name is after L. It somehow softens it all a little which is a bit strange but I think it even helps my parents. And when people send gifts for her they include her middle name on the card. No one ever did that for AJ and Owen.

Emmy is doing wonderfully well.

My Book

Emmy is sleeping...all wrapped up like a papoose here on the bed. I didn't swaddle the first two...oh how I missed out on a wonderful calming tool. She has been going to bed at 10:00pm and waking up at 3:00am to eat, then again at around 6am. This is a good schedule. I hope she keeps it up. Her fussy period is for a couple of hours at night before bedtime and is contained by DH and I taking turns with her and me nursing her quite often. With both of us working to keep her comfortable, the crying is minimal and that is kind of amazing. She cries in the car. Owen calls it the "waaa song." It is uncomfortable but I am not too bothered by her crying in the car since there is nothing I can do about it. If I have learned anything in the past couple of years it is to tune out things I have no control over. It makes life easier.

I have been writing a book. I haven't added to it since before we moved to this house. I put some of the problems I was going through, in the book, as the character's problems. When I read it last night for the first time in months, I was kind of shocked at how bad my anxiety was and how DH and I were going through a bad patch. We do much better together now on a team, parenting a little one. We are so proud of the little beautiful person we created together that how can we be angry with each other?

Before I got pregnant I was starting to get antsy and wanted to connect with him somehow, either by writing music together again or him helping me with the business again. But he was instead spending more time with his other band and pulling away from helping me with the business. So I was feeling kind of alienated. But we were also living with my parents at that time and that is pretty bad for our relationship. That was when they had just moved here and were living with us for a few months.

I guess I kind of worry that when Emmy gets older that DH and I will drift apart again. But I also suppose that every couple has bad patches and I know that we will fight for our relationship. I was also grieving very badly at that point, an DH seemed to be acting like I was supposed to be getting better, not tanking. When I found out I was pregnant, DH was suddenly way nicer to me. I suppose we suddenly had that connection that was missing and that I was craving. Then when we moved to this house it was like a weight lifted and we were both happy again.

So the book is over 40 pages long. It is pretty good actually. It needs a lot of work too but it was interesting which is a good thing I think :) I just need to figure out how to spin it into a plot a bit more and make something happen and then be resolved. I'll have to think about that.


We had a good night tonight. The kids went to bed OK and last night they went to bed well also. I have been bribing them...saying that if they go to bed well they can have chocolate the next day. Today they got chocolate and so at bed time they wanted to be good again. I was also in a good mood which I know sets the whole positive tone of the routine and makes things much easier.

I ordered some more b12 today so I will give AJ a shot tomorrow.


We are filming a wedding tomorrow. I have to be away from Emmy for hours while my mom watches her and the other two. The wedding is near my house so I will be able to nip home to feed her while DH films. But I also have some bottles saved up and I will bring the pump with me to the wedding. Goodness knows where I will go to pump in a church. I just hate being away from Emmy for any amount of time. She is 6 weeks old today. I don't know how people can bare going back to work at 6 weeks and putting their babies in day care. I know many people just don't have the choice and I feel beyond lucky that I do.

me.

Kinda weird

Last week when I was having a morning sleep-in, I had a vivid dream that a government company was laying huge pipes in our streets and came in our yard and even had to come in our house to do it. When I woke up I heard big trucks drive up outside the front of my house. I looked out of my bedroom window and was stunned to see 2 enormous trucks with a huge pipe on the back of one. I realized later when I went outside that it was not a pipe, but a telephone pole...and the work they did was 2 houses down, putting up a new telephone pole. So it wasn't exactly like my dream. But then today we got a notice from the electric/water company, a leaflet left on the gate to the front picket fence, that they would be working on our street tomorrow and possibly have to come in our yard. I just think that is very odd. They said the electric would be out all afternoon.

We went and got pizza for dinner tonight...we let AJ cheat and I cheated too...hopefully Emmy won't have green poop. The result for AJ was a huge melt down at bed time. I suppose that could have happened anyway, but I found out today that the pizza crust is made of millet and flax, which seems to make her crazy...never mind all that cheese too. I think that we are done cheating. I always say that and always end up cheating. Her behavior was horrible tonight:

1. She dumped her sippy cup of water on rug because she was angry it wasn't rice milk (we said only water since she had already brushed her teeth).

2. When I put her in time out she was trying to hit me and succeeded a few times.

3. I sat on the floor with her in time-out to restrain her and then when she said she would stop hitting we just sat there. I was so angry but when I am being challenged like that I pretend I am on TV, on super nanny and I have to act perfect for the cameras. This helps me do the right thing when I want to give her a good hard smack on the butt, but know I shouldn't. Super Nanny wouldn't like that, and neither would I after the fact.

4. I got her some paper towels and she wiped up the water quite happily, almost proud of the mess she had made. It was both frustrating and a relief that she enjoyed it.

5. Back in bed she wanted me to lie down with her and I said I didn't want to lie down with her because she hit me and I don't want to lie down with someone who hits me.

6. She said, "Oh I'm sorry". She learned about "sorry" in social skills a couple of weeks ago.

7. I told her that words don't fix it. Only actions...and being good and lying down for 15 minutes quietly with her head on her pillow will show me she is truly sorry and that will fix it.

8. She did this and I ended up going in 15 minutes later and lying down with her and talking to her for a little while. I asked her what we could do to make her go to bed at night without hitting or having bad behavior. She said, "I don't know."
I don't know either.

I feel like such a failure when this stuff happens. I know it will help to have a clean house so I will try to work on that. Right now is it after midnight and I am waiting for a DVD to burn. It will take hours. I have most of them burned and printed up and I will send them out to the bride on Friday. I had to turn down work today from a company who wanted me to make them an instructional video. I told them I couldn't help until August and they didn't want to wait that long of course. I am just so behind on my weddings, I couldn't make the brides wait even longer while I took up a new project. But I hate turning down work too. Its not like we have money or anything.

Tomorrow is a new day.

OK, I'm off to clean.
me.

Good Morning

I have got the sweetest, prettiest, most laid back baby and I attribute it to a few things. The first is because I am exclusively breast feeding and although it hurt at first and although the thrush thing has been a struggle, it is worth it to not have to listen to her cry after a bottle and not know what to do next, to always have food with me where ever we go and to have that closeness with her. I am not worried about her food because she is growing and pudging up really well.


This morning we slept in until 1 in the afternoon (right now). Jeff dropped the kids off at school this morning and is picking up Owen this afternoon. I was up this morning actually, getting the kids ready for school. But the rest of the morning I slept cuddling with Emmy and feeding her every few hours. She didn't even spit up because I held her upright on my chest for 20 minutes after each feeding. Then she was fine and didn't even have any cramping. This is a very different experience for me!! And this morning she gave me the best smile. I thought I would melt. Yesterday, a mom at AJ's therapy waiting room saw me nursing Emmy in the car and came over to say hi. She told me that when babies smile at this point, it is because the angel who looked after them in the belly are coming to visit them and check on them now, and it makes them smile.

I worry that our mornings are too decadent. I shouldn't be allowed to spend this much amazing quality time with my baby. But I am just going to soak it in while it lasts and enjoy every single tiny second of it. This is what life is all about right here and for some reason, I don't have to rush by it right now.

Emmy is allergic to dairy too

So I don't know if I mentioned this before but I am not eating anything with casein in it because I wanted to cut down the chances of Emmy getting bad colic while nursing. It seems to be working. She is a fairly easy baby unlike my previous 2 difficult little ones. She still has reflux and chokes sometimes, but I so know what to do, that it all feels pretty normal. She doesn't freak out crying for hours every night either. What I do to help her with reflux and stomach cramps seems to calm her and we are both happy.

I cheated:
After my mamagram the other day, Jeff and I got lunch at a local restaurant that I like because it it posh, well priced and all organic and localy grown food. I totally cheated and ate lots of dairy, including cheese and a creamy artichoke dip that was so yummy. Right after that meal, Emmy nursed and her next poop was flourescent green. Today it was finally back yellow again and I think that is so weird that it took a whole week to get back to normal. I know that not getting enough hind milk will turn poop green. But Emmy gets tons of hind milk. In fact, if there were milk behind hind milk she would get that too with how much she treats my boob as pacifiers. We are also dealing with yeast and I have to put All Purpose Nipple Cream on like, every day. That probably isn't good for her stomach either.

I told DH tonight that I am so attached to Emmy that it is like still being pregnant, except louder since she cries at her fussy time...which is only for like an hour at night after I get tired of cluster feeding her and let her cry for a bit while I hold her or while DH holds her.

OK, I'm tired
Goodnight,
me.

I have been looking for a Hello Kitty lunch box for AJ since she has been asking me for one and it is quite unusual for her to ask for specific things...so when she does, I enjoy indulging and getting it for her. Something as small as a Hello Kitty lunch box is quite easy, but I hear there are lead in lunch boxes sometimes so I checked it out on http://www.goodguide.com/products/211185-hello-kitty-lunch-box

It said that it has lead and PVC in it and rated it one of the most toxic things you can buy.

Emmy calls...
me.

Not Cancer

I do not have breast cancer. That is one less strike against me in the possibilities of death before my children are raised.

OK, enough with the dramatics and I have to say that the best part of the mamagram this morning was that the mamographer controls the squoosher with a pedal, it doesn't just come down on its own and gauge the pressure automatically like an automatic bloodpressure cup does. I was so scared that the machine was just going to come down on its own and clamp my breast until it was so horribly squeezed. The mamographer was in control of the squoosher with a pedal and yes, my boob was flattened like a pancake, but I had a human in control of it so I could ask her to change it if it ended up being excurtiating...which is wasn't. In fact after nursing Emmy and then pumping and pumping and pumping, it really wasn't half as bad as I thought it was going to be.

The Doctor came into the room finally (no men were allowed past the waiting room...weird) so it was just me. The Dr. put my boob pics up and showed me that they looked fine. I just saw a bunch of white swirly lines in what looked like an outline of my breasts and didn't really know what she was talking about, but glad she said they looked fine. She then did an ultrasound on the lump in question and said that since it was white and not black it showed that it was just breast tissue and not "trouble."
Then she said, "What do you think it is?"

That surprised me. She seemed to really want to know. I said that I guessed it was breast tissue like she said, because it wasn't a plugged duct because it didn't change when I nursed or took a hot shower and it wasn't tender or anything. She said that she didn't know why they were called plugged ducts, because there wasn't milk stuck in there or anything. That confused me, because....yeah, there is milk stuck in there when there is a plugged duct and I started to wonder if she knew what she was talking about. She must have sensed my fear because then she said that I looked totally fine to her and she spotted trouble very well and she had seen over 65,000 patients so she wasn't a newby.

I said OK and she said that I can go to a surgeon too if I want. I sat there, a bit confused. Why did I need to go to a surgeon if I was fine? Then she said, "Why don't we have you come back in 6 weeks and have another look and see if it has changed."
I said, "Do you think it will go away?"
She said, "Well, yes!."

So........we shall see.

In the mean time I feel pretty good that I don't have "trouble" in there. I can go on establishing the routine with Emmy in the house and trying to get things kind of back to normal. No more elephant in the room.

OK, time to change Emmy's diaper.
me.

Fever gets rid of autism...sweet validation and exciting article

I am so excited about this article and so glad I didn't delete it from my inbox before looking at it. I am going to paste in here for you. I have been saying for years AJ's autism just goes away when she has a fever. During her flu bout a couple of months ago we had a week of conversations, no sensory issues at all (I could have her in bed with me and she didn't drive me nuts with wiggling around constantly) and her behavior was wonderful with no tantrums. She was my typical little girl that week of the flu. Now, FINALLY here is an article about autism and fever, validating what I have been shouting from the roof tops:

New Theory Of Autism Suggests Symptoms Or Disorder May Be Reversible

ScienceDaily (Apr. 2, 2009) — http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/04/090401145312.htm

Scientists at Albert Einstein College of Medicine of Yeshiva University have proposed a sweeping new theory of autism that suggests that the brains of people with autism are structurally normal but dysregulated, meaning symptoms of the disorder might be reversible.

The central tenet of the theory, published in the March issue of Brain Research Reviews, is that autism is a developmental disorder caused by impaired regulation of the locus coeruleus, a bundle of neurons in the brain stem that processes sensory signals from all areas of the body.

The new theory stems from decades of anecdotal observations that some autistic children seem to improve when they have a fever, only to regress when the fever ebbs. A 2007 study in the journal Pediatrics took a more rigorous look at fever and autism, observing autistic children during and after fever episodes and comparing their behavior with autistic children who didn't have fevers. This study documented that autistic children experience behavior changes during fever.

"On a positive note, we are talking about a brain region that is not irrevocably altered. It gives us hope that, with novel therapies, we will eventually be able to help people with autism," says theory co-author Mark F. Mehler, M.D., chairman of neurology and director of the Institute for Brain Disorders and Neural Regeneration at Einstein.

Autism is a complex developmental disability that affects a person's ability to communicate and interact with others. It usually appears during the first three years of life. Autism is called a "spectrum disorder" since it affects individuals differently and to varying degrees. It is estimated that one in every 150 American children has some degree of autism.

Einstein researchers contend that scientific evidence directly points to the locus coeruleus–noradrenergic (LC-NA) system as being involved in autism. "The LC-NA system is the only brain system involved both in producing fever and controlling behavior," says co-author Dominick P. Purpura, M.D., dean emeritus and distinguished professor of neuroscience at Einstein.

The locus coeruleus has widespread connections to brain regions that process sensory information. It secretes most of the brain's noradrenaline, a neurotransmitter that plays a key role in arousal mechanisms, such as the "fight or flight" response. It is also involved in a variety of complex behaviors, such as attentional focusing (the ability to concentrate attention on environmental cues relevant to the task in hand, or to switch attention from one task to another). Poor attentional focusing is a defining characteristic of autism.

"What is unique about the locus coeruleus is that it activates almost all higher-order brain centers that are involved in complex cognitive tasks," says Dr. Mehler.

Drs. Purpura and Mehler hypothesize that in autism, the LC-NA system is dysregulated by the interplay of environment, genetic, and epigenetic factors (chemical substances both within as well as outside the genome that regulate the expression of genes). They believe that stress plays a central role in dysregulation of the LC-NA system, especially in the latter stages of prenatal development when the fetal brain is particularly vulnerable.

As evidence, the researchers point to a 2008 study, published in the Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, that found a higher incidence of autism among children whose mothers had been exposed to hurricanes and tropical storms during pregnancy. Maternal exposure to severe storms at mid-gestation resulted in the highest prevalence of autism.

Drs. Purpura and Mehler believe that, in autistic children, fever stimulates the LC-NA system, temporarily restoring its normal regulatory function. "This could not happen if autism was caused by a lesion or some structural abnormality of the brain," says Dr. Purpura.

"This gives us hope that we will eventually be able to do something for people with autism," he adds.

The researchers do not advocate fever therapy (fever induced by artificial means), which would be an overly broad, and perhaps even dangerous, remedy. Instead, they say, the future of autism treatment probably lies in drugs that selectively target certain types of noradrenergic brain receptors or, more likely, in epigenetic therapies targeting genes of the LC-NA system.

"If the locus coeruleus is impaired in autism, it is probably because tens or hundreds, maybe even thousands, of genes are dysregulated in subtle and complex ways," says Dr. Mehler. "The only way you can reverse this process is with epigenetic therapies, which, we are beginning to learn, have the ability to coordinate very large integrated gene networks."

"The message here is one of hope but also one of caution," Dr. Mehler adds. "You can't take a complex neuropsychiatric disease that has escaped our understanding for 50 years and in one fell swoop have a therapy that is going to reverse it — that's folly. On the other hand, we now have clues to the neurobiology, the genetics, and the epigenetics of autism. To move forward, we need to invest more money in basic science to look at the genome and the epigenome in a more focused way."

Journal reference:

1. Mehler et al. Autism, fever, epigenetics and the locus coeruleus. Brain Research Reviews, 2009; 59 (2): 388 DOI: 10.1016/j.brainresrev.2008.11.001

Adapted from materials provided by Albert Einstein College of Medicine.

I called the radiologist this morning and they got me in for this Friday morning, just two days from now... and said that I will have a mamagram  that morning too. I am feeling pretty cheerful that I got an appt so quickly, although I am not looking forwards to the testing and stuff. I really hope that from the tests that they will be able to tell that there is nothing wrong and it will just go away or just not be a big deal or something. 

me.

not just a plugged milk duct

I went to see my midwife, Lilly, this morning. When I called yesterday and told her about the lump in my breast she said I could come in today if I was worried about it. So I did and when she checked me out she said that I was right and this was not a plugged milk duct but a mass and that I needed to go to a specialist. She referred me to a radiologist who also does ultrasounds and such. After the exam she walked me up to the front desk. She is a big woman and her voice is rather booming. She said loudly to the receptionist and pretty much everyone in the waiting room, "Call to get her an appt. She has a mass in the left breast, she is breastfeeding, see that the Dr. gets her in as soon as she can." 

When I walked through the waiting room to leave, with Emmy in her car seat, I felt like everyone was looking at me and I felt like I was in a bad dream.

So now I wait for the phone call for the appt. But I'm not going to wait. I will call the radiologist office tomorrow and set up the appt since I don't have too much faith in front desk operations and procedures. I have a few very good reasons why I can't die of breast cancer and my biggest one is my child with autism. DH said something kind of weird. I know he is terrified and he said, you don't have anything to worry about, I'm the one who has something to worry about...implying that he doesn't want to be left a single father of three kids. It was kind of a joke but a little alarming anyway. 

I'm not going to mention anything to my  mom or younger sister until I get the all clear or otherwise, because they don't need to do the waiting game with me. I wish I could talk to my older sister about this. If I prayed... I would pray about this.

me.

I don't think this lump is a plugged duct. I have had many plugged ducts before and they were nothing like this. I am going to go and see my midwife tomorrow and she said she will have a look at it. She said if it isn't a plugged duct we will do an ultrasound and she will set me up with a consult with a surgeon. I just talked to another friend who just went through the same thing...I talked to her about it like, last week. Now it seems to be happening to me.  She was fine after her biopsy. I really hope this is nothing and I really hope I don't have to even get a biopsy. I am terrified of surgery. I am more terrified of dying of breast cancer. This sucks. I haven't told my mom or younger sister and I am going to keep it that way.

me.

a bit scary

So last night I found a lump in my left breast. I had DH check it out and he said,  yeah, you need to go to the dr about that. But this morning I mentioned it to my friend who came over, and who's mom has struggled with breast cancer said that she didn't think I needed to worry because it was probably just a plugged duct from nursing. I said that it doesn't feel like one because it isn't sore and it doesn't drain at all and it is at the top, not near the areola. She said that she got all sorts of weird lumps and bumps while she was nursing and that we have milk ducts everywhere. So I will still go to the dr about it tomorrow but I'm not going to worry about it in the meantime.

me.

So what kind of an autism mom am I? Recently I have been deleting articles in my in-box and avoiding the autism month thing. I have been just completely avoiding autism and kind of pretending like it isn't in our house anymore. I am playing house like I have 3 typical children but I don't and I am wondering if/when I need to change my tune. 

One email from the Generation Rescue site was asking for stories of recovered children. As I looked at it I realized that I do not have a recovered child. I have a little girl who is brilliant and who is hurdling the barriers that autism shoves in front of her daily, hourly...by the minute. But she does have autism and it wasn't that long ago that we were dealing with endless reverse pronouns and limited speech...no real conversations. In fact that was at the beginning of this school year. Now she will carry on a conversation and ask questions. She will play well with her brother, even make eye contact and she will approach children on the playground when we go to the park in our neighborhood, and she will end up playing with them. She is not typical. Her conversations are often quite odd, and often repetative, "Mommy how old are you?" I get that multiple times a day even though she knows how old I am but that transitions into endless questions about how old I will be when she is 27...and how old Owen will be when she is 45 and how old Emmy will be when she is 76. This goes on all day and I go through it all with her doing the math in my head like a rusty swing. When she talks to other children she seldom looks at them and her speech is very musical. But she has all sorts of phrases and expressions memorized and she uses them appropriately in a way that makes DH and me smile. She even says, "Oh OK!!" in a huff when we ask her to wash her hands for dinner. This is so great for me because it is so typical, but somehow it is a little more rehearsed sounding than a typical child. 

So even though she plays the part of a typical child, she is not recovered, she still has autism and so maybe I shouldn't be playing the part of a mom with a recovered child. I should still be reading the articles. But I think I avoid them because I don't want to delve into more biomed. I wonder if I do more that perhaps I could help her even more. But it is such a huge commitment to do this diet so strictly and it is such a huge expense that I don't want to take it further. I am afraid to drive to where the DAN! doctors are ( OK so not recovered from anxiety disorder completely either I guess) and I don't want to shell out hundreds and hundreds of dollars for the  appointments and the testing. I have so little time as it is, and researching and implementing biomed is a huge investment of time. So I play the part as if I am done with autism, but it is not done with us. Thank goodness many of my friends email me stuff because I do actually read those.

We still do the B12 shots and they still give us amazing results. I am very interested in the hyperbaric oxygen treatments but she will be terrified to sit in one of those tanks. I don't want to do that to her, but it might be amazing for her. I could take the articles with me to her pediatrician and ask her to prescribe it as a treatment perhaps. Or maybe I could ask her psychiatrist who diagnosed her (saw her once) to prescribe it as a treatment so our insurance would pay. Maybe it still wouldn't though. 

I should be sleeping since Emmy is sleeping. I have a bit of mastitas sp?? or thrush or something, another pain in my butt..or boobs I should say. So nursing hurts. I have some "all purpose nipple cream" to put on but I need to bug Emmy's dr for some stuff to put in her mouth because we are passing the yeast back and forth. But I hope she will just call it in for us because I hate taking Emmy into the germiest place ever, the pediatrician's office. Fun stuff eh?

Bye for now,

me.

I am so absurdly behind in my work that I am going to have angry brides beating down my door pretty soon. 

Today I baked cookies. I haven't made anything from scratch in years, but when I looked at this recipe that a dear friend emailed to me, I saw with surprise that it was super duper easy. I had all the ingredients and both me and AJ could eat it because all it was, was almond butter, sugar, an egg and baking soda. I threw it all in a bowl and stirred it up then made little balls and stuck them on a baking sheet. They were done in only 10 minutes and I suddenly had delicious GFCFSF cookies that were actually good for you because of the almond butter.

OK, I'm off to fee Emmy, she's fussing.

me.

update

My older sister's husband came today and brought belated birthday presents for DH, AJ and Owen. He sat on the couch and looked at Emmy and said that her fingers were so small. I knew he was thinking about his son and it made us both cry. His mom was with him but she stayed in the car and didn't come inside to see me. I was so relieved. I haven't seen her since the funeral and I know that I would remind her so much of my sister it would have been too much for her, especially with a newborn in my arms. It would have been too much for me too. I would have just cried the whole time I think. 

It was nice to see him anyway but so so hard. It doesn't seem to get any easier. He is just struggling  without her. He said he never knew what nervous breakdowns were before but now he is dealing with them, although they are starting to get better. We talked about how we try and stay in a  world where she is still there in a way. We can't think about the tragedy. We live kind of how we lived when she was in our lives, only well, she isn't, but we can't face  that or something. We don't let ourselves think about that too much. I think of  her all the time but I can't face that she isn't accessible. I can't imagine that so I just sort of block that part out. I picked up my cell phone a few days ago and spoke to her on it. I know that is weird and I didn't expect her to talk back and I didn't dial any numbers or anything. It is just how I used to talk to her every day, sometimes more than once a day so it seemed like the best way to somehow reach her with what I wanted to say. I don't even remember what I said...something about how hard it is without her but how she is still with me every day. I gave Emmy her middle name to honor her.

Well, Emmy wants to nurse again. I have her in a sling here. I can't believe she sat here without fussing at me for 15 minutes so I could write this post.

Bye for now (things are still going well)

me.

Well it has been 12 days and I have been able to nurse without supplementing so far. This is huge for me...huge. It isn't easy but I do like that I am not living with my parents this time around so I don't have to fee weird in front of my dad if I'm leaking milk all over my shirt or something. I'm not stuck in my room with the door shut when I want privacy from my parents. She is such a good little thing and so so dang cute. AJ and Owen are still taking it well and it is all still very new. Well, she is crying now. I'm off to feed her.

me

Happiness Prevails

Emmy had her first dr appt today. She said that Emmy was "perfect." I figure that if you are going to be perfect at any time in your life, it is when you are baby and you can't mess things up too much. So she is perfect at looking dang cute, eating, pooping and sleeping. I think I am pretty perfect at the last three too though so it must run in the family.

She was 1 oz more than her birth weight which means she is getting breast milk and after my trauma with AJ not getting enough colustrum and her blood sugar being low because of it and having to suppliment in the hospital, well, it feels good to not be going through that again. I didn't have any milk for AJ because I was taking Zoloft and Zoloft inhibits the let down reflex, kind of like how it inhibits an orgasm too. Your body just is kind of numb from feeling stuff, which is great if you are numb from being anxious about stupid things...but not great if you can't feel natures gifts. Anyway, Zoloft-free for the past year, I have enough milk but am still in major, major pain from the latch but it goes away after a few seconds. I wonder, wonder when that pain will go away. What if it never does. What if months from now I am still wincing in terrible pain every time she latches on? I doubt it but I don't know.

DH is playing video games right now as I type. The kids are sleeping, including Emmy, in her sleep positioner on our bed. I think she is getting used to that being her place to sleep. She lay happily on her floor mat in her bedroom as I sat in there and folded laundry and put them into piles. She lay there for about 10 minutes without crying or anything...just kicking and making noises and cooing and looking at me while cramming her tiny fingers in her mouth. Amazing.

AJ was good today. Emmy slept while I was able to do the night time routine with the other two. They were clearly happy that they had me back for an evening to do that. They even let me wash their hair without too much fuss. Tomorrow morning I am going to go and buy some flowers to give as thank you's to freinds who have been bringing food and gifts to help us this past week. My friend Sally has brought me tons of stuff, like a bathtub she found at a garage sale which is small with a kind of insert that is perfect for sponge-bathing Emmy on the kitchen counter. She has made dinner (chicken rice-pasta salad with nuts and grapes) and hummus and two batches of butternut squash soup...while managing to not stray from our absurdly difficult list of food requirements and no no's. I told her that I don't expect anyone to cook for my family since it is hard to know what to do or how to put anything together with no casein, gluten, soy, MSG, food from cans lined with BPA's, preservatives...and preferably all organic. But she still made us food and so did another friend using rice pasta, ground beef, peppers and pepperoni made a type of goulash, is what DH called it. A mom from Owen's school gave us a bunch of hot pink cloth diapers, a bike trailer and the cutest girl clothes from Gymbore and little fancy boutiques...stuff I could never afford. Usually when you get clothes from friends/acquaintances they have weeded out the best stuff for close friends or to save. But this is the stuff that I remember her baby girl wearing and thinking she had such beautiful clothes. So I kind of feel like I have struck the lottery with this. The amount of generosity and giving and kindness from people over the past week is really baffling and appreciated. So tomorrow I will get the flowers and vases and do some delivery's around town, or well, DH will. I don't really like leaving the house since our nursing sessions are still so close together and still painful at first. I was really nervous about taking her to the dr this morning but it worked out just fine. I even nursed in the room waiting for the dr, which I really didn't want to do in such a germy environment. But it went just fine. My mom was with me which was a comfort. I don't want to drive Emmy anywhere though, I just want to keep her in a bubble...not realistic I know.

Finally, AJ brought her Kindergarten report card home today and got all 1's...all of them, which is like straight A's.

me.